living with an abusive alcoholic

[vxm123]

I'm in a really unhappy marriage with a guy who won't control his drinking, and is emotionally abusive. I have a gorgeous 2 yr old & no support in rl. I didn't know where to post do hoping someone can point me in the right direction.

Baby steps. I will be strong. I will take some time for my son & I. I am fortunate that I have somewhere to go where people will look after me & love ds. I have no financial problems yet. I have so much more than some others & better than everything I have my beautiful baby boy who is a sunshine in my life

One day at a time, don't think about how you will cope, what will happen. Just leave, it's the greatest gift you can give your son.
Hugs xx

Never ever ever think it's something you've done - ever!

An alcoholic chooses to drink - nothing and no one makes them do it!

vxm123 I could cry for you, reading your posts. A few years ago I had to get my alcoholic DH to leave. I sold my big house, now I live in a very small one. I had put up with his alcoholism for too long and because I thought it was better than taking their Dad away from them, I put my small DSs through it too. One day I realised I could not do it any more and chucked him out. My boys, young as they were, were totally relieved. They had become terrified of their lovely Dad and were taking on caring and protective roles towards me that were (obviously) completely inappropriate for little children to assume. I would get handwritten notes from them pushed under my door as soon as they learned to write - I'm talking Reception age. Asking me to call other relatives/ the police for help. Their Dad is sober now but I have absolutely no regrets. I did the right thing by my boys then and I only wish I had done it sooner. The peace in the house was amazing.
My very best wishes to you and your lovely boy, OP.

vmx

You have tried love, but this is not your battle. You can't wield his sword for him. It doesn't work like that. You know that, but until you are long, long gone, he probably won't.

Being with your family will help. Becuase it will take you out of the pressure cooker. It won't be a miricle cure, it takes time to recover from trauma. However I can make you one promise, that it will be the start of the road away from pain, and that sooner than you think, you'll realise that it doesn't hurt so much anymore. And not much longer after that, you'll notice that you don't live with a constant ache. Until the day it hits you that it has been a while since you felt the twinge of loss and pain.

It's going to be alright love. It really really is. It feels like the end of the world right now, becuase it is. Your world with him has been drunk and abused into oblivion. The end of that world is painful.

However it is also the start of an infinitly better way to live. You'll make a new one world for you and your boy. With a lot more sunshine and no more frequent tornadoes+hailstones.

Bottom of my heart love, I admire you. How low we fall is not what defines us, how willing we are to climb out of a scary, deep hole does.

Had your husband had a parent like you, things may have been very different. You can't change the past, but you are making an almighty blow for a little boy's brighter future.

You need to remember that when you are driving. This is not an act of leaving a man behind, but taking a boy forward. And thank god that boy has a mother willing to make him the absolute prioirty by holding the wheel tight and keeping on going even when her heart is breaking.

You have my upmost respect.

Hope: caring & protective roles : yes. & playing the joker/ pleaser too.

Carpe. I am howling. I cannot even read ur post it makes me cry & cry and cry (and I am not a cryer). It is the 1st time I have cried in months

Dedum: thanks. I will have faith that what u wrote is what will happen.

Carpe: I don't know what you have been through in life, but you are a lovely person and have spoken to my heart. I hope that one day I will give others the kindness that you are giving me. Life can't have been easy for you. I thank you do much for ur kindness

vxm My past is like a different country love. It's like it happened to somebody else. And I owe that in no mean part to other people. Some random strangers.

I'm happy. Have been for nearly 20 years. Like everybody else here, I want you over here on our side of the mine field. And you will be, in just a few days.

Having a massive cry is good, bottled up feelings can make you postivley vibrate with the tension you've been forced to absorb around you. You deserve a release.

What you are reading here is nothing special. You are probably just so used to being treated badly that what you are reading might seem almost sureal in its contrast.

But the truth is, most people want to be kind not cruel, help not hinder, lift up not push down. He took that reality from you. We'll give it back. All the way to Sat and beyond.

You are no where near as alone as you believe yourself to be.

((((((((huge ginormous hug.)))))))))))))

Hand on heart : I have really tried. In every way possible I have tried.

We believe you. It's ok for you to stop now and take your boy forward. I was blubbing at CV 's post too.

When you have been away for a while I can assure you that he will probably come begging, pleading, and swearing on his life that things "will be different this time".

Please please do not do as I did and listen to him. I had to pluck up the courage to get away twice because I forgave him and took him back. I did not have children so could kid myself that he would change "for me". Of course, he didn't. In the end I got a removal van and just packed up my house and left. I also left my job so he couldn't find me.

Slowly slowly you will recover - and the relief will be wonderful.....I promise you.

Carpe's post also made me sob - she puts it so eloquently

Can someone talk to me? I don't feel too good

I'm here love.

What's going on ?

I"m getting my things organised so it will be easier to go tomorrow. I know my family will be full of questions & suggestions.

I don't know what is wrong anymore. I just know it is wrong. Nobody should live this life. I don't think dh will ever get any insight unfortunately so I'll probably be fighting him all my life. And protecting my ds from the shit that his dad will invariably inflict once we are separated

Right now, all eyes on the bigger picture. Not the details. DS out, you out... becuase his and your future demands it if a multigenerational cycle is to be wholly avoided.

The details... they may take a decade to make sense of.

Just like right now it is a case of grabbing important docs that don't require turning the house upside down to find, and a few essentials... so too in your head it has to be a case of "to hand, and of upmost importance only"..... cos it is too big, too chewy, too fishbony to digest whole right now.

I'll be online most of this afternoon. Just post a fullstop if you want contact but have no words left.

I was thinking of you earlier. ai was remembering the day before I stepped on the road away from pain.

I am a philistine with appalling taste in music. I had to put to stop the thoughts crowding my head and bringing me to my knees. And yes, I know, appalling taste in music, but it worked. The day went and I was able to drown put my poor raging head so I could do, not think.

There is no right way to get through today. Whatever works, song, prose, poem, posting... anything and everything that takes you away from warpy thoughts and "what ifs & whys" rabbit holes. Baby steps to the road away from pain. For you and your boy.

Vxm - are you ok?

Carpe has written everything you need - follow her advice. It will prove to be the best thing (apart from having dc) that you've done or will ever do

Be strong - your family will help, you are not alone!

Vxm

Would you like to borrow the one fridge magnet I allow to actually live on my fridge ? for today.

Without wanting to put too fine a point on it, choosing to live that, (by way of "fake it until you make it" cos I was so fragile and beaten down at the time to actually be it) long long before Nora actually said it... saved me from a long term world of hurt.

It's OK if it feels "but I'm not that strong" when you look at it. For now you let your inner actress carry you through. Be Meryl. Or Shirley. Let them take the strain, you can just go along for the ride till you have had time to heal.

I promise in the not too far future you'll have your own fridge magnet, and know that you were, are and will be.

((((((((mammoth hug))))))))))))

It's the enormity of what I'm doing.

It was tempting to pack a quick bag & run in my nighty like a refugee. I don't want that trauma in my sons memory.

Small bites. What you are doing is opening a door, walking through it and driving. That's all you need to call it for now. Don't let it be big and dragon shaped. Think it down .... it's one foot in front of the other in the now. What happens next... leave that for when next is here.

You son won't remember any of this love. You want to go now, you go right now. You don't have to wait until tommorow, that was a loose plan, not one set in rock.

All opu need are important docs that are to hand (the buried ones can be got later by somebody else), his fave cuddly, and a change of clothes each. This does not have to become overwelming by being a proper "move".

If planning ahead is too hard, it's ok to revise your option and just walk out the door to go and see your folks so you can feel warmed and loved by their physical presence.

I can't eat. Not toast a biscuit, or even cup of tea.

I think he's waiting for me to go. I can't trust myself to talk to him so I just avoid him/ pretend he's not there.

Somebody said (on mn I think) that its better to come from a broken home than live in one. I'm holding o to that.

But its so hard. I'm going to have to build a life for us, cos these 4 walls have come crashing down

vxm. So sorry you are having such a miserable time. I understand some of it; my ex was an alcoholic and was very emotionally abusive too.

I was always wrong/ stupid/ lazy/caused fights/ had bad taste in music etc etc. you name it I was atrocious.

I kind of believed it. And I didn't want to break up the family. In my psyche I always believed families should stay together. Problem was I was the only one trying. He was also a major sulker and major stropper. As well as a binge drinker. I honestly thought I'd wake up and find him dead on many occasions.

Steps that helped me:

1). Telling the truth to others. Somehow I was ashamed of his drinking and if his horribleness to me. I felt out of a misplaced sense of loyalty that I had to pretend everything was ok

2). Hearing his 7 year old son saying to him once- "I hope you've learned your lesson" after he fell down drunk. Not something a 7 year old should say to an adult.

3). Sober recovery website. Has a forum for friends and family of alcoholics. Good support, but also keeps you strong by reminding you of the commonalities faced by people in our position (ie we are often kind types who go so far in trying to help others we forget to help ourselves)

4). Working on a plan

Good luck, you will do it; the hardest part in many ways is what you've done already- it's realising this isn't right and you're the only one who can change things.

My ex has given up the booze now. That would never have happened if I'd still been there, enabling etc. He's still a moody bastard though.

All best to you - you're on the right path

How about grab little boy, go to a cafe and try tea and toast in a place where the atmosphere isn't thick with tension.

Once you are out of the house, there is more balance between going back or going away. It's more of a crossroads. At the moment going away is dynamic compared to the static of staying still. And it is all too easy to freeze and hunker compared to make a move. If you are out of the house already, then which direction to head in your car is like compared to like, free of the freeze of staying still.

You have to eat something love. ayou don't want to, but as Queen of the not eat for days due to tension ... trust me, once something is down half the tension will disappear as your poor starved brain gets what it needs.

Go grab your coats. It's not a big huge thing, it's just going to get a bite to eat in a much nicer atmosphere. That'll all.

PS I should have said; you're getting fantastic advice here. It really is baby steps. You don't have to do anything major straightaway. Agree with the getting out of the house too. Atmospheres like that are so draining. No wonder you are exhausted.

Do you have an internet enabled phone or device to take with you love ? If you do, bring it along for tea and toast in Nice Atmosphere Cafe.

If not. Well... we are all still here thinking of you. Even when you can't "hear" us. You aren't alone.