Should I report historical "statutory rape?"

[GotMyGoat]

Sorry about length of post, good to write it all down.

I'm feeling angry today, 10 years on about what I felt was my being groomed into sex at 13 years old by my 17 yo bf. this continued so for a few months he was 18 and i was 13, then generally 18-14, 19-15, 20-16, until finally split up at 21-17.

I had sex because I was flattered that he found me attractive and he thought I was mature, and I did feel I wanted it - though was terrified the first few times as I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse so was really prime pickings for abuse again. I had an unhappy home life, had a specific learning difficulty so was always outcast, and saw him as my ticket to escape - it was always the plan that once I was 16 we could live together.

In the end I realised he was emotionally abusive and he became physically violent (dragging me around the house, punching walls etc.) I think this all happened as I had matured a little and started to express my own opinions and didn't always do what he wanted.

As I became older, when I was at uni particularly, I would look in disgust at teenage girls and boys as I couldn't find them attractive - It pointed out to me how disgustingly abusive and unbalanced the relationship was and just how wrong it was to want to invite 13 year olds into a sexual relationship.

I've been wondering about talking to rape crisis, and possibly even about reporting him. He has never admitted what he did was wrong - although we did meet once, about a year after the split where he apologised for playing games with me and asked if I would get back with him (I ran a mile!), but then I know that I did enjoy the sex at the time - though it disgusts me know i look back, I know I did sometimes do things just to keep him with me. I know that he would not consider himself a rapist, but I believe that with my background I was not capable of giving consent at that age and he should not have sought it.

Because I feel guilty and ashamed, I feel it is in part my fault and a court would rip me to shreds. I don't want to see him in prison, but I do want an apology, and for somebody to make him see how wrong his treatment of me was. I still look for him in crowds in my home town, and feel panicked. He added me on facebook once (I ignored) but it just proves he doesn't realise what he did to me.

Do you think it is all my fault, or are my feelings about reporting right?

Fucking miserable post for christmas, sorry. I think when everyone is having a good time it makes me think more about the sore points in my life.

I had thought about it - spelling it out to him. But I feel like to express my vulnerability to him could just open up to more abuse. I would like him to think that I have strength and dignity towards the matter, whereas I just crumble every now and then in private instead

Of course it is not your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed off. I think it is a good idea to contact rape crisis and get some help and advice. This has clearly left you with some wounds which need healing. I would suggest some counselling to help you process this. Hopefully rape crisis could advise on accessing counselling. Or do they provide it? Processing it some more in counselling might then clarify whether you want to report it.

The reason there is an age of consent is that, as a society, we've decided that children are not really capable of making sound decisions about sex, even if they think they're in control, enjoying themselves and so on. Obviously children need protecting from adults who want to exploit and abuse them. Where it gets a little less clear is when you've got people engaged in sex who are just the wrong/right side of 16, although the difference between 17 and 13 is big enough to be a concern. That he later got violent says that 'abuse' was running through everything he did.

I would definitely suggest you contact Rape Crisis. You'd have to be prepared that you're going to get neither a prosecution nor an apology but you may get other kinds of help. I expect the police would still be interested in your story. Violent abusive men tend to carry on the same way and there may be others

assuming you can give consent at 13

You can't. That's the point of statutory rape.

OP sorry you're dealing with these memories, I wouldn't know what to advise.

Personally I don't think you can consent at 13. That's why we have a legal age limit. He committed statutory rape.

I think you should talk to Rape Crisis or a similar agency and take advice from them.

It sounds like you are beginning to process a very difficult time in your past. Good luck, I hope it means the future is better for you.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1945644-Sleep-sex

YoDiggity

You KNOW when you've been raped or sexually assaulted. If it felt like it at the time then it was. If it didn't feel like it at the time then it probably wasn't

From another thread

Just spend 2 minutes googling the concept of statutory rape steven.

"However, was it consensual - assuming you can give consent at 13....."

You can't. That's the whole point. Just like these poor girls who are victims of gangs of men who groom them for sex often make reluctant witnesses because, like the OP, they see these abusers as 'boyfriends'.

The man in this story was a violent and abusive criminal just 10 short years ago and is probably exactly the same now. I don't think any decent person would be worried about his life being ruined.

I've just come home for christmas to the town where I met him, which is why it's feeling very fresh recently.

I think I'd just like to talk to someone professional, if they could tell me it was wrong and not my fault I think I would feel a lot better. What scares me about calling the helpline is that they might not be sure, and say "well... you did consent..." and then I would have to take responsibility for it all.

If it doesn't feel like rape it's not rape??? That's really offensive rubbish glasgowsteven.

A 13yo is not capable of consent OP. You will not be told that you were at fault.

I don't agree with the above advice from GlasgowSteven. Are you able to explore it through counselling, or talk to a charity such as Rape Crisis Centre, or Women Against Rape, where you can talk confidentially and safely in a non-judgemental manner, so that you can explore how (if) you want to take this further.
I believe the law states that it is non-consensual under the age of 16, regardless of whether your 13 year old self enjoyed it, wanted it or not. If you grew up in an abusive family you may have equated having sex with receiving love when they are two different things (though obviously not mutually exclusive). However I am not a counsellor and so am only making an assumption, which may or may not be what you experienced. You have my sympathy and I hope you are able to move on.

GotMyGoat they won't blame you. It wasn't your fault. You were under the age of consent i.e. you couldn't consent even if you thought you were.

I think it's a really good idea to talk this through with a professional. Get the facts and sort out the conflicted emotions you're feeling.

You KNOW when you've been raped or sexually assaulted. If it felt like it at the time then it was. If it didn't feel like it at the time then it probably wasn't

I don't think terror is normally part of loving consensual sex. I feel really pleased with myself that I felt outraged about that - I know from mumsnet that so many victims blame themselves and so how I feel is not unusual.

With respect, Steven is uninformed about this. I would ignore them on this topic.

GlasgowSteven

That's a really, really unhelpful post. You should be posting to help the OP, not to minimise her experiences and be a rape apologist.

OP, I'm sorry you are still battling your experience. I am too. I have considered counselling as I think it will help me and it may help you. At 13 you weren't able to consent, none of this is your fault so please don't blame yourself.

Actually, this really pisses me off. The OP is bound to latch on to the one, lone, misinformed voice because it plays on her precise fears. Steve, albeit I'm sure unintentionally I'm sure, is causing more harm than good.

Thank you -Reindeerfromhell, it sounds so simple but I'm sure my background has a lot to do with how I ended up in that relationship for so long. You are quite right.

After christmas, once I'm back home, I will get in touch with my local rapecrisis centre so I can ask about counselling. I would like to be able to shake off the last of the power he has over me, but am not sure how to do it.

How you feel isn't unusual OP. Abusive people are often highly manipulative and persuasive to get what they want. What chance does a naive young girl stand against someone like that? I'm not surprised that you still feel anxious about the experience. Please do talk to Rape Crisis.

It does make me a little bit sick when I see things like "Guilty or not guilty, his life would be ruined.....". Luckily I have read a lot on the relationships board and of the mumsnet campaign and can see really obvious rape apology when I see it! But I know that lots of other people look through the archives who are in similar situations and how damaging things like that can be.

If people commit crimes, then it is not the victim who chooses to ruin their life.

PrincessFlirtyPants - thank you, and I'm so sorry that you have suffered too.

If OP was 13 at the time it is "unlawful sexual intercourse" not statutory rape - under 13s cannot consent, 13 -16 can but it is still unlawful.

Statutory rape in UK law applies under 13 - so 12 or less.

That's not to say the police can't look at other offences if you were underage, especially where there was coercion. If he was grooming then there's a good chance he is still unsafe around children.

You'd do well to report it. Sorry this happened to you.

X post higgle