Should I report historical "statutory rape?"

[GotMyGoat]

Sorry about length of post, good to write it all down.

I'm feeling angry today, 10 years on about what I felt was my being groomed into sex at 13 years old by my 17 yo bf. this continued so for a few months he was 18 and i was 13, then generally 18-14, 19-15, 20-16, until finally split up at 21-17.

I had sex because I was flattered that he found me attractive and he thought I was mature, and I did feel I wanted it - though was terrified the first few times as I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse so was really prime pickings for abuse again. I had an unhappy home life, had a specific learning difficulty so was always outcast, and saw him as my ticket to escape - it was always the plan that once I was 16 we could live together.

In the end I realised he was emotionally abusive and he became physically violent (dragging me around the house, punching walls etc.) I think this all happened as I had matured a little and started to express my own opinions and didn't always do what he wanted.

As I became older, when I was at uni particularly, I would look in disgust at teenage girls and boys as I couldn't find them attractive - It pointed out to me how disgustingly abusive and unbalanced the relationship was and just how wrong it was to want to invite 13 year olds into a sexual relationship.

I've been wondering about talking to rape crisis, and possibly even about reporting him. He has never admitted what he did was wrong - although we did meet once, about a year after the split where he apologised for playing games with me and asked if I would get back with him (I ran a mile!), but then I know that I did enjoy the sex at the time - though it disgusts me know i look back, I know I did sometimes do things just to keep him with me. I know that he would not consider himself a rapist, but I believe that with my background I was not capable of giving consent at that age and he should not have sought it.

Because I feel guilty and ashamed, I feel it is in part my fault and a court would rip me to shreds. I don't want to see him in prison, but I do want an apology, and for somebody to make him see how wrong his treatment of me was. I still look for him in crowds in my home town, and feel panicked. He added me on facebook once (I ignored) but it just proves he doesn't realise what he did to me.

Do you think it is all my fault, or are my feelings about reporting right?

So in your opinion it is OK for emotionally and physically violent men, to pick out vulnerable much younger girls who have been sexually abused and have learning difficulties, groom them for sex and then have sex with them despite the fact they are "terrified".

That's nice

I now come to realise why the child grooming cases around the country and all the stuff around jimmy saville and others all went on for so long and no-one did anything. Lovely

OP ignore anyone who posts stupid shit on your thread

Surely people who have experienced this type of thing in childhood should be encouraged to report, so the police have an opportunity to link where a person is doing this to multiple people.

If only the police had listened and acted on all the reports they have had over the years - linked them up and looked at them rather than ignoring them, then a lot of serial offenders and at least one murderer might have been stopped much earlier.

I don't understand the way that on these threads people are told that (for a variety of reasons) they ought not to report historical crimes.

He became abusive towards the end of the relationship. Learning difficulties could be anything, OP could have dyslexia which would make no difference to their relationship. We don't know about the guy, maybe he has similar issues too.

She was terrified the first few times as it was her first consensual sexual encounter after abuse. From then on it was freely wanted.

She wasn't much younger, that age gap in common.

It's not about saying yeah it's ok, it's about saying you had no issue before and now years later you want to report your older ex boyfriend because you think as an adult you shouldn't have done what you did as a teenager.

It's not the same as a Jommy Saville preying on girls that didn't want his attention. She did.

Jimmy

Nicetabard
No-one should turn a thread about one person's appalling experiences (grooming of a very vulnerable child by a much older male, the child experiencing terror within the "relationship") into a highly offensive crusade into the question of "Why can't men have sex with schoolgirls WAAH it's not fair".

I never said why cant men have sex with schoolgirls

My point was actually that if the law should be enforced it should be both ways - any 16/17 year old girl with a 15 year old sexual partner shoud be prosecuted.

A much older male - 17 - 13 really - much older..........

I have said before I have a 13 year old daughter, the idea of her having sex (at all) with a 17 year old terrifies me.

So in your opinion it is OK for emotionally and physically violent men

He was a man, but he was not an adult, he was not old enough to drive or vote... so in law not a clearly defined adult......

fifi according to your thoughts, the men convicted for grooming around the country should not have been convicted. The police and care agencies at the time described their actions as consensual. Now the men are in prison, the girls are recognised for the vulnerable victims they were rather than the "streetwise" young women they were viewed as by so many people.

I am really glad that despite what some sections of society (and MN) may believe about young girls and their "consensual" relationships with older men, most in society and hopefully within the authorities are starting to take grooming coercion etc seriously.

I would also point out that people who have had consensual relationships do not years later randomly decide to go to the police. That is a misogynistic view that paints females as vicious creatures who enjoy causing trouble for men for nothing more than their own amusement. The FACT is that people who go to the police about childhood abuse do so because they were abused. The sooner people realise that the sooner we will be able to make some progress in society around child abuse and certain predatory individuals. The situation at the moment is that someone says "I am disturbed by what this man did to me when I was young" and a whole bunch of people spring out and say "It was nothing, don't be silly, don't tell anyone whatever you do" and nothing ever changes.

Steven

"My point was actually that if the law should be enforced it should be both ways - any 16/17 year old girl with a 15 year old sexual partner shoud be prosecuted."

That wasn't in fact your original point but anyway.

The law is clear on sex offences, and there is no distinction around male/female. The law applies as much to females as it does to males. The only difference being rape, which can only be committed by a man, however a woman carrying out an assault of that type would be prosecuted under the relevant part of the law which carries the same max term as rape.

HTH.

This isn't an older man. This was her older teenage boyfriend. They then grew older together. Different to a proper adult don't you think?

My point on page 3

glasgowsteven Mon 23-Dec-13 16:33:34
so a 15 year old is a also a child and cannot consent to sex

so anyone over 16 who has sex with anyone under sixteen is breaking the law?

The inference anyone being any male or female

Exactly Fifi

He was her boyfriend.

and he was not 20 until she was 15.

and that is not an uncommon age difference at 19/20

What exactly are you getting out of this thread, GlasgowSteven? You've been corrected on points of law, on matters of standard practise by social services, and the OP has indicated (albeit obliquely) that your attempt at derailment is not helping her (fortunately she's got her head screwed on well enough to simply ignore the stuff she finds unhelpful). If you want "debate" would it not be more sensible to start a new thread, couched in more general terms? Because, frankly, what you're doing here is coming across as more than a little bit creepy (and I don't think I'm alone in feeling this).

So in both of your eyes it is reasonable for 17/18 yo males to groom 13 year old girls who have previously been sexually abused, and have learning difficulties, for sex. As long as they can get the girl to say "yes" and describe them as their "boyfriend".

Well that's just peachy.

Some of the men behind bars now for grooming are 18 / 19 / 20. They won the trust of vulnerable girls and put themselves in the position of "boyfriend" in order to get what they want from them.

It is really nice at xmas to hear from people who would have let them off. Luckily you guys weren't on any of those juries

Steven, what's the relevance of saying he wasn't 20 until she was 15? He was an adult at 18 when she was 13.

So in both of your eyes it is reasonable for 17/18 yo males to groom 13 year old girls who have previously been sexually abused, and have learning difficulties, for sex. As long as they can get the girl to say "yes" and describe them as their "boyfriend".

I dont often have my mind changed

That is a very good way of putting things.

What he did was wrong.

I dont think I have ever said it was not wrong.

Would putting him through the full process of law be the correct thing to do.

I genuinley dont know

The chance of prosecution is very low, as higgle said. I would certainly talk through your feelings with a counsellor before reporting it.
I speak as the mother of a vulnerable 15 year old who reported a rape by a 30 year old who had groomed her online. He wasn't charged - police said 'he most definitely took advantage' but not enough evidence for a prosecution. I was relieved - she would never have managed court.

He is very unlikely to be prosecuted, obviously.

I still think that people should be encouraged to report things like this, so that for the men who are predatory and doing it to multiple victims / over years links can be made and possibly a case made.

All too often people are persuaded not to report anything like this and for a wide range of IMO spurious reasons. However if everyone did then the authorities would be in a better position to catch and imprison some really awful criminals. This has been shown up in the wake of Jimmy Saville, where stacks of victims have come forward (often not for the first time), but for the first time the people they were telling put it all together and are putting some long-time serial serious offenders away. Why this approach isn't taken generally I don't know.

I don't understand what your problem is with putting a criminal through the full process of the law is, though. What do you mean by "is that worth it?"

I mean, it's what the law is there for.

Maybe it will be now that this has happened. Although it didn't happen with abuse in the church, it didn't happen with abuse by "celebs", it didn't happen with children living in some children's homes... the list goes on and on it's appalling.

The point of reporting it would be that maybe he has form for this that the police are aware of, and another potential witness could tip the balance to a prosecution, and maybe take a dangerous man off the streets.

It's up to the police & CPS to decide what to do.

I don't understand why victims are so widely discouraged from saying anything in the first place. (Well actually I do but still).

Before police and CPS make any decisions, OP does.

Once in the hands of third parties, it's hard to predict what will happen. And all likely scenarios need to be considered, and OP needs to decide if launching that course of action will help her (directly, or from angle of protection of others, or any other angle) whether it leads to conviction or no action.

We have no idea if he is potentially dangerous, or if he was an immature teen in a sexualised society. And there is no point in guessing or poin scoring in a debate on that.

OP - have you RL support (organisations already suggested earlier in the thread) who can help you safely towards the decision that is right for you?

I agree meditrina. It just gets my goat when someone writes a post like that and is told in no uncertain terms that he did nothing wrong and she must not tell anyone!

The whole thing goes fundamentally against the "We believe you" MN ethos.