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Original poster

Should I report historical "statutory rape?"

97 replies

GotMyGoat · 23/12/2013 13:54

Sorry about length of post, good to write it all down.

I'm feeling angry today, 10 years on about what I felt was my being groomed into sex at 13 years old by my 17 yo bf. this continued so for a few months he was 18 and i was 13, then generally 18-14, 19-15, 20-16, until finally split up at 21-17.

I had sex because I was flattered that he found me attractive and he thought I was mature, and I did feel I wanted it - though was terrified the first few times as I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse so was really prime pickings for abuse again. I had an unhappy home life, had a specific learning difficulty so was always outcast, and saw him as my ticket to escape - it was always the plan that once I was 16 we could live together.

In the end I realised he was emotionally abusive and he became physically violent (dragging me around the house, punching walls etc.) I think this all happened as I had matured a little and started to express my own opinions and didn't always do what he wanted.

As I became older, when I was at uni particularly, I would look in disgust at teenage girls and boys as I couldn't find them attractive - It pointed out to me how disgustingly abusive and unbalanced the relationship was and just how wrong it was to want to invite 13 year olds into a sexual relationship.

I've been wondering about talking to rape crisis, and possibly even about reporting him. He has never admitted what he did was wrong - although we did meet once, about a year after the split where he apologised for playing games with me and asked if I would get back with him (I ran a mile!), but then I know that I did enjoy the sex at the time - though it disgusts me know i look back, I know I did sometimes do things just to keep him with me. I know that he would not consider himself a rapist, but I believe that with my background I was not capable of giving consent at that age and he should not have sought it.

Because I feel guilty and ashamed, I feel it is in part my fault and a court would rip me to shreds. I don't want to see him in prison, but I do want an apology, and for somebody to make him see how wrong his treatment of me was. I still look for him in crowds in my home town, and feel panicked. He added me on facebook once (I ignored) but it just proves he doesn't realise what he did to me.

Do you think it is all my fault, or are my feelings about reporting right?

OP posts:
PrincessFlirtyPants · 23/12/2013 14:32

Lets be clear, he committed an offence as he was 18 and she was 13.

Here's an extract from the Sexual Ofdences Act 2003:

Sexual activity with a child

(1)A person aged 18 or over (A) commits an offence if—
(a)he intentionally touches another person (B),
(b)the touching is sexual, and
(c)either—
(i)B is under 16 and A does not reasonably believe that B is 16 or over, or
(ii)B is under 13.

Quite clear it is against the law. Lets not dress it up to be anything other than that.

PrincessFlirtyPants · 23/12/2013 14:32

*Offences

Original poster
GotMyGoat · 23/12/2013 14:32

ok sorry, I thought it was used in relationships 13 and under, or where there is a power imbalance. I don't think unlawful sex is the right term though, that implies two similar aged teenagers exploring together - whereas I was used.

OP posts:
CogitoMerrilyOnHigh · 23/12/2013 14:33

Glad you're ignoring the rape apologist OP. I've reported them.

Original poster
GotMyGoat · 23/12/2013 14:33

xpost with princess, thank you - it's very useful to see it in black and white.

OP posts:
Original poster
GotMyGoat · 23/12/2013 14:34

Thanks Cogito. I feel better already because some of you have supported me and told me that my feelings are valid.

OP posts:
PrincessFlirtyPants · 23/12/2013 14:35

Here's a link to the section, OP.

Original poster
GotMyGoat · 23/12/2013 14:39

So that doesn't say anything about whether it was forceful, or whether 'B' wanted it. just that it is an offence.

OP posts:
PrincessFlirtyPants · 23/12/2013 14:47

Exactly. It doesn't have to be forceful or violent or anything else. This case makes it quite clear.

The law is very clear, OP and the law would be on your side.

EdithWeston · 23/12/2013 14:56

Statutory rape doesn't exist in E/W (or I believe) Scottish law. It is a US concept and does not read across directly to laws relating to age of consent in any part of UK.

Whether and how the 2003 Act applies will depend on when intercourse took place.

Given the duration of the sexual relationship, I think this might be an area where OP would benefit from specialist counselling before considering making a formal statement to police about unlawful activity.

PrincessFlirtyPants · 23/12/2013 15:02

Yes, you are right Edith Statutory Rape as a term doesn't exist in the UK. OP has already acknowledged this up thread. Smile

As I've said before OP, I think counselling may help.

Vivacia · 23/12/2013 15:05

Yes, thanks to those who have clarified and corrected the misinformation I posted.

Original poster
GotMyGoat · 23/12/2013 15:14

Wow - Mumsnet don't mess about with deletions do they.

OP posts:
glasgowsteven · 23/12/2013 15:42

If it doesn't feel like rape it's not rape??? That's really offensive rubbish glasgowsteven

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1945644-Sleep-sexYoDiggityYou KNOW when you've been raped or sexually assaulted. If it felt like it at the time then it was. If it didn't feel like it at the time then it probably wasn'tFrom another thread

I took that from another thread...that is all.....

PrincessFlirtyPants · 23/12/2013 15:45

Just because its been posted on another thread Steven, doesn't make it right.

glasgowsteven · 23/12/2013 15:45

I will reiterate, I am sorry the OP is feeling this way.

It appears to be unlawful sexual intercourse.

He was a horny 17 year old (man/child) any of us who were 17 or who have 17 year old male children will know this.

She consented.

10 years down the line he gets a knock on his door.

But. He borke the law, he deserves all that is coming to him no doubt.

glasgowsteven · 23/12/2013 15:47

No it does not make it right.

But I am hardly a lone voice on MN.

If we think that all over 16s should be given a criminal record if they have sex with under 16s then so be it.

ImperialBlether · 23/12/2013 15:52

The fact is, Steven, that if the police knew about this at the time, they would have charged him.

lljkk · 23/12/2013 15:55

I think it depends what you hope to achieve, OP.
Do you want him punished?

Or do you need to come to terms with what happened in another way?
Putting yourself first, what would help you most?

Vivacia · 23/12/2013 15:56

YoDiggity's quote is taken out of context in my opinion.

glasgowsteven · 23/12/2013 15:57

Indeed they would I agree.
To any M Netter with a 16 year old son or daughter.

Should they have a criminal record if they have intercourse with their 15 year old bf/gf?

As that is the law

ImperialBlether · 23/12/2013 16:03

But can't you see that the police wouldn't be interested in a relationship between a 16 year old boy and a 15 year old girl, where they would be interested in a relationship between an 18 year old man and a 13 year old girl?

glasgowsteven · 23/12/2013 16:06

17 and 13, not 18.

So how about 17 and 14 is that ok,

or 16 and 13?

the Law is quite clear on this.

One over 16 partner and one under 16 = illegal

LurcioLovesFrankie · 23/12/2013 16:07

Glasgow - I damn well hope by the time my DS is 17 that I'll have done a much better job of parenting and he will know that it is wrong for a 17 year old to have sex with a 13 year old.

The size of the age gap is taken into consideration in this sort of case by police/social services/CPS. A 16 year old and 15 year old - almost certainly would not lead to prosecution. A 17 year old and 13 year old - almost certainly would, and that's absolutely right in my opinion.

Do you really think so little of men that you think they are slaves to their hormones, incapable of knowing right from wrong?

ImperialBlether · 23/12/2013 16:15

Maybe you are seeing what you want to see, Steve?

The OP actually stated, "this continued so for a few months he was 18 and i was 13."