Should I report historical "statutory rape?"

[GotMyGoat]

Sorry about length of post, good to write it all down.

I'm feeling angry today, 10 years on about what I felt was my being groomed into sex at 13 years old by my 17 yo bf. this continued so for a few months he was 18 and i was 13, then generally 18-14, 19-15, 20-16, until finally split up at 21-17.

I had sex because I was flattered that he found me attractive and he thought I was mature, and I did feel I wanted it - though was terrified the first few times as I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse so was really prime pickings for abuse again. I had an unhappy home life, had a specific learning difficulty so was always outcast, and saw him as my ticket to escape - it was always the plan that once I was 16 we could live together.

In the end I realised he was emotionally abusive and he became physically violent (dragging me around the house, punching walls etc.) I think this all happened as I had matured a little and started to express my own opinions and didn't always do what he wanted.

As I became older, when I was at uni particularly, I would look in disgust at teenage girls and boys as I couldn't find them attractive - It pointed out to me how disgustingly abusive and unbalanced the relationship was and just how wrong it was to want to invite 13 year olds into a sexual relationship.

I've been wondering about talking to rape crisis, and possibly even about reporting him. He has never admitted what he did was wrong - although we did meet once, about a year after the split where he apologised for playing games with me and asked if I would get back with him (I ran a mile!), but then I know that I did enjoy the sex at the time - though it disgusts me know i look back, I know I did sometimes do things just to keep him with me. I know that he would not consider himself a rapist, but I believe that with my background I was not capable of giving consent at that age and he should not have sought it.

Because I feel guilty and ashamed, I feel it is in part my fault and a court would rip me to shreds. I don't want to see him in prison, but I do want an apology, and for somebody to make him see how wrong his treatment of me was. I still look for him in crowds in my home town, and feel panicked. He added me on facebook once (I ignored) but it just proves he doesn't realise what he did to me.

Do you think it is all my fault, or are my feelings about reporting right?

It would be interesting to have some guidance from police/social services what the gudiance is.

24 months is ok, 25 months is not?

that sort of thing......

I do feel for the OP.

But the culprit in this case had conensual unlawful sex with a child a decade ago.

Does he deserve a criminal record, to lose his job...

I dont know....

i'm feeling angry today, 10 years on about what I felt was my being groomed into sex at 13 years old by my 17 yo bf. this continued so for a few months he was 18 and i was 13,

So he was 17 and 13, and then 18 and 13.

We both are right, we both are wrong.

Point taken though.

they had sex when He was 18 and she was 13.

That is wrong. 18 year old men should not be wishing to have sex with 13 year old children

The whole point is that a 13 year old can't give consent. She is a child and cannot consent to sex.

That isn't the whole point; there is a legal stance and there is a biological-species reality. The law only tries to approximate a cultural morality that shifts over time with changing cultural values, anyway.
OP is struggling between these.
Only OP knows how abusive it was. She can't decide what to do on simple external rules.
Which is why I think she should put herself first; if that's too hard, think of your kids and how you want to be the best person possible as their parent. So what will help you put this painful history to rest.

so a 15 year old is a also a child and cannot consent to sex

so anyone over 16 who has sex with anyone under sixteen is breaking the law?

Yes, Steven they are. Whether there is a prosecution or not is a different matter.

"so a 15 year old is a also a child and cannot consent to sex

so anyone over 16 who has sex with anyone under sixteen is breaking the law?"

The extract above makes it clear that 'sexual activity with a child' is an offence only committed by persons over the age of 18.

"The Sexual Offences Act 2003 introduced a new series of laws to protect children under 16 from sexual abuse. However, the law is not intended to prosecute mutually agreed teenage sexual activity between two young people of a similar age, unless it involves abuse or exploitation.

Specific laws protect children under 13, who cannot legally give their consent to any form of sexual activity. There is a maximum sentence of life imprisonment for rape, assault by penetration, and causing or inciting a child to engage in sexual activity. There is no defence of mistaken belief about the age of the child, as there is in cases involving 13–15 year olds. FPA

The key word above is teenage...

It started when they were both teenagers..and it was a number of years before he was not a teeneager..

Did it involve abuse or exploitation.

Only the op and ex BF know that

Actually, glasgowsteven, the Sexual Offences Act 2003 goes on from the section 9 (stated above) to say in section 13 that a person under the age of 18 commits the offence if he/she does anything which would be an offence under section 9.

The key word above, Steven, is not teenage, it is "similar ages" - 18 and 13 are not similar ages.

OP, I hope rape crisis give you the support you need

The key word above is teenage...

It started when they were both teenagers..and it was a number of years before he was not a teeneager..

Did it involve abuse or exploitation.

Only the op and ex BF know that

Actually Glasgowsteven, I told you that it did in fact involve abuse - so you know too.

I took your post to be

"sexual coercion" and

"physical abuse later on"

Apologies

If you feel it was abusive then you report it.
When I was 15 I was in a sexual relationship with a 22 year old man, I have never felt this was abusive so I wouldn't ever report him.
The very fact that you are considering it means that you should.

None of the men I know in RL would have problems seeing that there's something wrong with an 18 year old having sex with a 13 year old. They would, however, be highly suspicious of an adult man who wanted to defend that sort of behaviour. I think they are absolutely spot on in this assessment.

I remember my Dad telling me that he started seeing a girl when he was 18. He genuinely thought that she was 16. They had only started dating a for a few weeks when he found out her true age and he dropped her like a hot potato. Because he's a decent man who knew that age mattered, whether he liked her or not.

I dont think I defended his behaviour - I did say that the idea of a 18 year old with my 13 year old daughter was wrong.

I questioned 2 things -

is criminialising him a decade later the correct thing to do.

should all individuals who are 16 or over who have sex with a partner who is under 16 also be criminalised.

1. The law has been pasted on this thread; that law was broken; therefore he is already criminalised.

1. The legal practice has been posted on this thread and answers this question.

HTH, Steven.

It really is a shame that the OP posted on here for support and it has become a debate about the legalities of underage sex.

OP, I hope you are ok. I'm sorry if you haven't got what you needed from this thread. I'm always happy to talk if you want to PM me.

Thank you very much Princess - I appreciate that, I've taken what I needed from the thread and ignored what I didn't.

I think the important thing to remember for some posters was that I did feel it was abusive, and I am not happy about it and so for people to laugh about the fact that it was just a horny teenager using me for gratification is quite hurtful.

Quite.

Horny teenagers don't need to have sex, any more than any other person does.

I do think you should get some advice on this, GotMyGoat.

Others have suggested Rape Crisis, but could I also suggest NAPAC.

for you and a big (((hug)))

The question of law is relevant when OP is asking if she should report.

The law in 2003 may not be the only one relevant - it all depends on when intercourse took place as it is not retroactive. And as OP says it's been 10 years.

A few posters are suggesting expert counselling. This could look at the exact legalities (dates of events and dates when legislation came into force, precise prima facie offences under old and/or new law).

But much more importantly, it could be a safe space (something an open site such as MN just cannot be) to explore the effects on OP of making a statement. I think she needs to look at the whole process, what it involves and decide whether it is likely to help or harm her journey to come to acceptance of events then. It is that journey, to personal well-being, which matters most. And there may be much more to that journey than consideration of use of the law - again, something for a safe space not an open website.

Not read all of teh posts.

I can only assume that Steven would excel in a job in child protection or the police forces around the country who utterly failed victims of child grooming on a collossoll scale.

No-one should turn a thread about one person's appalling experiences (grooming of a very vulnerable child by a much older male, the child experiencing terror within the "relationship") into a highly offensive crusade into the question of "Why can't men have sex with schoolgirls WAAH it's not fair".

Absolutely INTOLERABLE.

OP. Yes absolutely I think you should call rape crisis and talk to them. Telling people about these events can help with processing them. I am so sorry for what he did to you, of course it was wrong.

I know I'll get jumped on but I'm not sure what you hope to gain if you go to the police. It may have turned sour but you were in a relationship with him for 4 years, you said yourself you wanted the sex. He was older but in a pretty standard way if you see what I mean?

Technically it's an offence. I lost my virginity at 14 to a 17 year old. I did so willingly, though with persuasion. He def used me, after a few weeks he didn't even speak to me. Would I consider reporting it? No. I wasn't forced into anything and I knew my own mind. He doesn't now look for young girls, he's a proper adult in adult relationships. Teenage girls date older guys. Older guys aren't looked at twice by girls their age, so go younger. Isn't this as old as time itself? There's always been at least 3/4 years between me and my partners.... Until DP toyboy :)

Don't get me wrong, looking back I think it was a bit grim. Though I imagine a lot of what teenagers do is probably quite grim!

If it has effected you in some way then by all means speak to a counsellor etc. it's prob more linked to the previous abuse you suffered than this relationship.

I'm not a rape apologist or whatever stupid names you want to call me. We know now as adults, real adults in our thirties and forties how stupid we were in our teens and early adulthood. At the time we were certain we were right. If you were still together you wouldn't report it, it's only many years later you've even thought about it.

It may be the letter of the law, but I think it's against the spirit of it.

I was a criminal defence solicitor for over 20 years. If OP reported this situation to the police it is doubtful whether it would result in a prosecution, it is a historic allegation, it involved two young people without a large age difference and - probably the deciding factor - the relationship continued until some time past the OPs age of consent and began after she was 13. I believe for complainants who brave come forward to learn that a case cannot be brought can be a very traumatic experience in itself. There can be other repercussions amongst a social set that involves both parties. I wonder if there is some other reason that the feelings about this matter have re surfaced now?