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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has announced he is bored and lonely... again...

547 replies

MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 23/12/2013 10:28

Hi all,

Ive posted before about my relationship under the name s0fedup. Not sure how to namechane when doing a thread...

Anyway, I dont want to drip feed but tjis time last year I was newly pregnant (unplanned) dh didnt want baby, wanted to leave...

fast forward to baby being 5 weeks old. All ok I tjought, then we had a huge row when he pushed me whilst i was holding the baby.

He has form for making huge swweping statements where he says he doesnt love me blah blah blah

Anyway, baby got the D&V bug on friday night. Dc2 got it yesterday, i got it last night.

I was a wreck and he just got so wound up with the baby not settling. Its because he has never put the baby to bed or done any actual childcare. I have done every night since they were born (6months ago) in fact me and bubs sleep in the nursery together...

Anyway, I ended up settling baby after vomiting but she would only sleep on me. Not a kind work from DH.

Other dc stayed downstairs with dh until je came to bed.

I had to look after baby all night even though I was ill, a d even went into dc when he was sick at 4.

By 7am I had all 3 in thr nursery, i had to go into him at 7:45 to ask him to take 2 of them so me and poorly dc could rest.

He then and hour later cant settle baby, comes up gives her to me and says he needs a shower and is going out.
All grumpy, I ask whats wrong and he anmounces in a pained voice how bored and lonely he is!

Have i not noticed?? errr no,

Bit dramatic sighs, he leaves

WTAF???

He has done this so many times i am really angry, we have family coming today then my Dm for xmas!!!!!

Sorry for marathon rant, not sure how to feel?...

OP posts:
Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 28/12/2013 18:23

i have ignored.its all so fucking wretched.

My mum called my dad to tell him.

Dh just wants a final decision.

I so want my husband back

OP posts:
bunchoffives · 28/12/2013 18:25

READ THIS

Oh dear you must be so distressed and distracted with upset that when you go out tomorrow you will lose your keys. And then anyone could pick them up. You will not feel safe and so you will have to get new barrels for your door locks with new keys immediately from B&Q. You will have to google how to do this (very easy 10 min DIY job)

Unfortunately you will only have one set of keys with the new barrels and not be able to give H a spare set. It will take ages to get round to getting any more cut.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 28/12/2013 18:26

the husband you thought you knew left the building some time ago

Greenkit · 28/12/2013 18:27

TBH I would play the game, be nice make him think there is a chance of sorting out the marrage. At the moment he has all the money in an account away from you, you dont have proof of his earnings and you havent actually had any advice from a solicitor.

I dont mean allow him back in your bed, but make sure the house gets sorted, he puts the money in a joint account and you get some evidence of earnings, payslips bank statements etc. Then when you are ready you can make your move.

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 28/12/2013 18:28

they were in the next room, and dc 2 kept coming in.

He is right we shouldnt do in front of the children. I just dont want to talk.

Because we keep going over the same shit.
He thinks it was over anyway and it was just a drunk kiss.

I think if i hadnt found out he would have continued to text and then meet her next week. tben he would be back at eork and sre her as much as he wanted.

Be said he has felt shit since oct. I said well thats 2months of thinking compared to my 36hours

OP posts:
Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 28/12/2013 18:31

I have his last couple of payslips and his latest P60.

The only evidrnce of the £30k is that the sols put it into the joint account on the completion day. I imaging if i request a statement print out it will show which deposit it will be paid into.

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 28/12/2013 18:37

Stop being pulled back in by him, just stop it.

He is gaslighting you.
He is saying 'it's your fault' when he says 'next time can we talk when the boys are asleep - I'm not blaming you for this'. He is.

He's pretending to be nice one minute then showing his true colours the next.

  • Solicitors. Find one now, do not discuss anything financial with H. Start the divorce.

  • It doesn't matter what you want - it really doesn't, because you cannot have it. Harsh lesson in life. You cannot have your husband back - this git is not fit to be your husband & he doesn't want a marriage with you. Yes he wants to come back to the house and yes he wants you there, he wants a skivvy that knows her place and will be controlled by him - that is all. That is not 'having your husband back'. That fairytale is over.

  • Forget the kiss, even if he hadn't kissed her your relationship is over, it's a train wreck that cannot be rebuilt - he doesn't want it and you are woth more than that. Your kids are worth more than that.
  • Get copies of anything and everything you can (financial) esp a screen shot of the money he has effectively stolen from you.

Stop stop stop stop stop thinking 'I want my husband back' - the husband you want doesn't exist. There is a bloke here who you are trying to turn into that man, you can't do it.

You have to focus on getting out of this with your sanity intact, you kids as unscarred as possible and as much equity as you can - that is what you have to focus on!!

I know it sounds harsh, but I think you need harsh.

GlaikitInAPearTree · 28/12/2013 18:42

fast forward to baby being 5 weeks old. All ok I tjought, then we had a huge row when he pushed me whilst i was holding the baby.
3 weeks ago he had a massive go at me because "Im lazy"
He said "Ive come to a decision and its non negotiable" " I will be joining a football team again on sat or sun, and we need to spend more time together"
I said we need to talk, he was calm, polite and informed me how boring I am and he is so depressed and lonely because he cant talk to me becauase I have nothing interrsting to say. He is soooo bored. Hes not inyerested in anything I say because its baby crap. He doesnt care about my friends or their kids.
His oldest friend is trying to have a baby. They have paid for 3 rounds of IVF and now r travelling abroad to have one last go.
He sat with my angel in his arms telling me I ruined everything by getting pregnant. He knows i did it.on purpose. We were sorted with Dcs getting older. He knows he hates the baby stage and we have it for years. All while holding this precious gift that his friends can only dream of...

You want this man back?? Seriously, the man you married may have been wonderful, but he comes with this alter ego that he pulls out anytime he feels like it to keep you in your place.

Because you have cow towed to his pitiful grovelling today, he is pulling out all the stops to get y back in the place he wants you with threats.

The sooner you have severed the matrimonial ties with this many the sooner you can get on with you life with your lovely children in a home where no one is tiptoeing round anyone.

NettleTea · 28/12/2013 18:44

you may not have the account number, but you have texts now where he has acknowledged that £30K and that it is in another account. dont delete them, and maybe try to talk about them a bit more on text so he cannot hide it

GlaikitInAPearTree · 28/12/2013 18:45

Sorry for the typos, had ds climbing all over me!

NettleTea · 28/12/2013 18:47

he only wants to come back because he wants the comfort of home. he isnt homeless - he could go to his mums, but he would rather return to where he can keep an eye on you and make sure you are not getting too strong,m you are doing all his cleaning and cooking, and you might just STFU and forget about it, at which point he might contemplate shagging you again. Meanwhile he can concentrate on playing perfect daddy to get the kids onside. Surprising how much they want to play dad when previously they have been so disinterested.

NettleTea · 28/12/2013 18:48

how long before he claims desperate depression and says life isnt worth living in an overly dramatic fashion??

NewJerseyHousewife · 28/12/2013 18:51

One thing I noticed on threads like this.

Someone is being controlled by their dp/dh who ever. Posters with good intentions come on telling the OP what to do to get out of the situation. The thing is then they get angry at the OP for not doing as they are told. It is not a surprise the poor op was being emotionally abused by their nearest and dearest and then some strangers off the internet are taking the controlling role the dh/dp had at the very same time the OP is trying to escape from being controlled.

Give op a break for not doing as she is told by posters.

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 28/12/2013 18:51

i do need harsh. Its just a rollercoaster.
I dont want him to be homeless but i dont want him here

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 28/12/2013 18:52

What olives said.

I am more worried about you, OP, than frustrated. You read but don't seem to understand and keep posting every tiny thing that happens but what is missing is any actual action.

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 28/12/2013 18:52

shit sorry loads more to read

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 28/12/2013 18:54

He said he wants a final decision. Why the hell haven't you given him one?

MadameLeBean · 28/12/2013 18:58

Come on Malcolm! You can do it. Who cares if the selfish arse has to find somewhere else to live? That's his problem.

Original poster
MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO · 28/12/2013 19:01

i told him it wasnt mu prob but he says he has a home with plenty of space

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 28/12/2013 19:04

I am frustrated too - but not with you, just with the fact that he's done such a good job on you that you are falling for his shit :( I want to be able to talk to you IRL, make you see sense and keep that fucker away from you :(

He isn't homeless FFS he can go to his mothers and if he stops playing silly fuckers with the money you can sort the finances out and neither of you will be homeless.

Your kids & you deserve more than this - especially DC3, who does not deserve to grow up in a house with this utter utter wanker who thinks she is a terrible thing you did to trap him.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 28/12/2013 19:05

He had a home - he no longer has a home, he has a share of a house which he will get in the future - that is all.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 28/12/2013 19:07

Don't be sucked into this - he is OUT keep him OUT. The minute he gets back in he will be fucking unbearable.

SandyDilbert · 28/12/2013 19:13

he doesn't have a home any more - that is the whole point.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 28/12/2013 19:21

NJH to be fair, Malc has made it clear she needs unvarnished truth here

if she was getting upset (with us)/defensive/pulling away then fair enough but she isn't

people are getting a little frustrated yes, but they are still here and so is she

anybody can just stop posting any time they like, including Malc

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 28/12/2013 19:22

(although I really hope she doesn't)