DH has announced he is bored and lonely... again...

[MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO]

Hi all,

Ive posted before about my relationship under the name s0fedup. Not sure how to namechane when doing a thread...

Anyway, I dont want to drip feed but tjis time last year I was newly pregnant (unplanned) dh didnt want baby, wanted to leave...

fast forward to baby being 5 weeks old. All ok I tjought, then we had a huge row when he pushed me whilst i was holding the baby.

He has form for making huge swweping statements where he says he doesnt love me blah blah blah

Anyway, baby got the D&V bug on friday night. Dc2 got it yesterday, i got it last night.

I was a wreck and he just got so wound up with the baby not settling. Its because he has never put the baby to bed or done any actual childcare. I have done every night since they were born (6months ago) in fact me and bubs sleep in the nursery together...

Anyway, I ended up settling baby after vomiting but she would only sleep on me. Not a kind work from DH.

Other dc stayed downstairs with dh until je came to bed.

I had to look after baby all night even though I was ill, a d even went into dc when he was sick at 4.

By 7am I had all 3 in thr nursery, i had to go into him at 7:45 to ask him to take 2 of them so me and poorly dc could rest.

He then and hour later cant settle baby, comes up gives her to me and says he needs a shower and is going out.
All grumpy, I ask whats wrong and he anmounces in a pained voice how bored and lonely he is!

Have i not noticed?? errr no,

Bit dramatic sighs, he leaves

WTAF???

He has done this so many times i am really angry, we have family coming today then my Dm for xmas!!!!!

Sorry for marathon rant, not sure how to feel?...

Ladies, save your breath. I don't think the OP is hearing you. He's back in.

I haven't given up yet.

Nice nice nice. Here he is. Mr Nice Guy. Will do anything you want.

If you believe him, take him back, get your family back together and then...brace yourself.

Here comes Mr Nasty. Nasty nasty nasty...

And so it goes on. For every nice word, there will be 10 disgusting insults. For every soft touch there will 20 aggressive outbursts. For every nice gesture there will 30 hideous let downs.

This is a game you can't win. You have one option. Stop playing.

(Nice to see you again AF. Struggling to keep up with all your name-changes!)

Thanks, clam.

Stick around a bit longer here, Malc is still listening and still interacting. All is no lost.

*not

The tart he was messing with has scampered back to her better half.

Yours now doesn't have a better offer. If he did you wouldn't see him for dust.

You are at present the better option of little wifey to cook, clean and bend over backwards to make things better for him plus live with his kids while he can go out and carry on messing around or living in a smaller place and do it all himself until he finds the next person stupid enough to do it all for him.

The broken wretched act is to raise your sympathy and stop the man love hurting so he gets what he wants.

It is not in the slightest because he is upset he has hurt you. Just because his cushy life may change.

He is not sorry. He is still making excuses and saying he did it as the last year your relationship has been dead.

That cannot magically change overnight unless he us lying. There is only one reason he would lie. For his own gain.

You would be a fool to accept his offer.

Mince Pies talk good sense.

Malc, do not fool yourself that his offers to "do whatever you want" now place you in the position of having the upper hand

This is a common mistake women in this position make

They see an abject man offering them the world and think "yesss ! Now I am the one in control! I can make him be nice to me now and get my family back!"

It's all a mirage, love. Lies. Like all the ones that went before. It's just at the moment he seems to be saying the things he knows you want to hear. It will not last, because it is built on deceit. He will be shagging around quicker than the trailing chords of Auld Lang Syne and you will hate yourself.

i kmow you are all right.
I am listening.
Dont give up please, I only found out about this stupid kiss 24hours ago. As I keep telling him. I dont know what I want yet.

To you lot I can be honest and admit my rollercoaster feelings. I have not let on to him any of it. I tbink thats because Im getting it out on here and to rl pals.

IF the stupid dalience with that little whore hadnt happend It would be easy to start again and pretent the other shit hasnt happened.

I suppose it is helping because I know my trust has been shattered so its making it impossible to ever reconcile.

Maybe thats what he wanted? (he has said that he wishes that hadnt happend as now its not a clean break, and he has caused hurt)

Sorry OP, It won't last.

Nice to see you back Af, and not giving up on OP.

i said in a thread ages ago that if turns up it must be bad ;-)

Thanks, NJH

Malc, he wants to split. Bottom line. You know this. How this happens should be on your terms, not his. He has been calling the shots for far too long. He has your head wrecked. Get him out love and you will be able to think straight. Don't worry how you will get through the next few days. You will live (and we will help you)

This man is not worth it. He's just a man.

That's no kinda family that I would ever want. He's no kinda role model I would want for my kids. Actually you haven't had a family since he disengaged and started being bloody nasty to you. He was nasty to you whilst you were pregnant and when you were vulnerable with a new born. When you needed love and compassion.

FFS does he deserve your compassion?

I will guarantee that the dicking around started when he started being nasty to you too. He was just setting up an excuse for your marriage to fail without his infidelity coming out and you getting pregnant probably meant he had to put his plans on hold.

Seriously the script was written years and years ago and the cheating bastards rarely deviate.

Wishes it hadn't happened!

I wouldn't be bloody surprised if he engineered it to make damn sure it is the end and she is being played as much as you are.

Sorry to be harsh but this has happened to 2 of my best friends and you DH is doing exactly what they did.

even the 'making life as easy as possible for you wife' is that normal? even though he wants to split. Could he just be trying to make it easier for all of us?

You can't pretend the other shit hadn't happened. You can't just pretend he treated you the way he did can you though?

You are the mother of his children, he should have been bloody cherishing you not acting like a self obsessed twunt!

He is wanting it easier for himself

1. to salve his conscience
2. so he can say to all those that will judge him for dumping his young family "look how I am still putting the kids to bed, I'm not such a bastard after all! And malc is ok with everything!"
3. so he can still have all his domestic needs taken care of and a submissive wife at home who daren't rock the boat in case he takes off
4. so he can shag around and you will have to STFU because he is "making your life easier" by reading the odd bedtime story and tidying the lounge

he is trying to salvage his conscience, plus make himself look like a hero. He needs to believe that he has done no wrong, so he will pretend to be nice now. He cannot admit he is a lying cheat, so he will have to pretend to be the good guy now. This is stage 1 of rewriting history. Next step will be him promising you shedloads of maintenance and for you to keep the house - it won't last sadly. Which is why you need legal advice and to protect your assets Monday morning.

He's trying to make life easy for himself, not you! Moving back into his home, being 'friends' and not a husband meaning he can do what he likes with other woman and opt out of being a couple. Please don't fall for it!

what about if I just accept the kindness from a distance?
so he still moves out, we r not together but I dont beat him up for trying to be nice?

That might work?
Then we might split amicably?...

No, he just wants a bed.

He's thinking ENTIRELY of himself (naturally!!-when has he ever done my thing else?! Would he know how to think of anyone else?!)

He is saying absolutely anything, pulling out ANY available stop, to get you to let him stay.

This is the danger point for him. He knows, you know, that this is the ONE moment where you could get him out if the house. If he can contain you right now, get into the spare room, he's home and dry. And from there, he'll be back to business a usual - bullying, nastiness - with his aim being to get the house sold. You'll be in such hell after a week you'll be on your knees.

Don't cave. Stay MAD. Things in bag, him OUT.

From there, YOU'LL be in pole position. He will have to sort somewhere to stay and that will become the new status quo. You will be moved automatically along the path to separation with the default being what you want - him out, you in the house. Set that up now and it's easier to argue that it is maintained.

Fucking kindness now!!

That would be chucked back in his face!!

He should have been kind all along not now he has what he wants.

you can split amicably without him living under the same roof as you. You can be in control here. He can stick his kindness where the sun don't shine. He was not being kind or amicable when he was with the OW. Wasn't thinking of you or your kids then was he??

Reading his own boring children a bedtime story is a kindness to you?!!!

Look - tell him to give you a few days of no contact to get your head round things. You can drop the kids at his mum's for him to see so he doesn't come to the house. Lock from the inside when you're there so he can't let himself in.