DH has announced he is bored and lonely... again...

[MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO]

Hi all,

Ive posted before about my relationship under the name s0fedup. Not sure how to namechane when doing a thread...

Anyway, I dont want to drip feed but tjis time last year I was newly pregnant (unplanned) dh didnt want baby, wanted to leave...

fast forward to baby being 5 weeks old. All ok I tjought, then we had a huge row when he pushed me whilst i was holding the baby.

He has form for making huge swweping statements where he says he doesnt love me blah blah blah

Anyway, baby got the D&V bug on friday night. Dc2 got it yesterday, i got it last night.

I was a wreck and he just got so wound up with the baby not settling. Its because he has never put the baby to bed or done any actual childcare. I have done every night since they were born (6months ago) in fact me and bubs sleep in the nursery together...

Anyway, I ended up settling baby after vomiting but she would only sleep on me. Not a kind work from DH.

Other dc stayed downstairs with dh until je came to bed.

I had to look after baby all night even though I was ill, a d even went into dc when he was sick at 4.

By 7am I had all 3 in thr nursery, i had to go into him at 7:45 to ask him to take 2 of them so me and poorly dc could rest.

He then and hour later cant settle baby, comes up gives her to me and says he needs a shower and is going out.
All grumpy, I ask whats wrong and he anmounces in a pained voice how bored and lonely he is!

Have i not noticed?? errr no,

Bit dramatic sighs, he leaves

WTAF???

He has done this so many times i am really angry, we have family coming today then my Dm for xmas!!!!!


Sorry for marathon rant, not sure how to feel?...

[RollerCola]

My first time posting on this thread Malc, but just wanted to let you know I was in a similar position in July.

I was desperate for my h to move out. I couldn't think straight with him in the house, and the atmosphere was truly unbearable. He refused to move out at first, he insisted that the house was still his & I couldn't 'make' him move out (despite him being the one who wanted a divorce)

He said he wouldn't move out until the house had been split legally - I think someone had told him not to leave in case he lost everything. But he did absolutely nothing to sort any legal affairs out. He didn't get a solicitor, he just sat there and waited for me to do it all. He literally sat at home night after night on the sofa, not speaking to me, just waiting for something to miraculously happen.

I couldn't physically do anything fast enough - I work full time, 2 dcs, I was doing everything in the house and he wanted me to sort out mortgages/solicitors etc all by myself & just refused to budge until I had.

We limped on for weeks & it was the most horrendous time ever, worse than deciding to split. In the end I told him there was no way I could sort anything out by myself. It would be months until anything was sorted and I wasn't prepared to live in the same house as him for that long.

He finally moved out after 10 of the worst weeks I've even lived through. As soon as he'd gone the fog lifted and I could think clearly again. Things are now a million times better.

Please don't let him stay at home. It will drive you insane. Get him out as soon as you can, it will make things so much easier to deal with.

[themidwife]

Don't worry Malc, we understand this is early days for you. A shock hearing about his dalliance & you not only have a baby but maternity leave soon over. Get some time to think.

[Fairenuff]

I know you want space and I'll give you that

This is what he has said.

First he says he'll do anything you want and he hasn't done that.

Now he says he will give you space. Let's see if he will.

It's not a lot to ask is it. So far all of his words have just been hot air.

[SandyDilbert]

Malc - you must be reeling, such a shock and upset. The reason why we are sort of nagging you is so many of us have been in exactly the position you are in now. We know just how dreadful you are feeling now. By taking action then it does make the situation real, and it would be lovely to just bury your head in the sand and do nothing. But denial will not protect you or your assets sadly.

Every step you make towards independence is a step away from him and your old life - and that is utterly heartbreaking. But you have to make those steps, and every one you make is going to secure yours and your childrens' futures so you really have to do it.

I would advise not communicating with him until you have sought legal advice on Monday - then you will be clearer how you can proceed.

[antimatter]

ex staying with me and the kids after the split was the most soul destroying experience

in my case in the end it lead to depression and after over 3 years I am myself again
very, very expensive lesson, I would never wish it on anyone

[themidwife]

Yes I had 6 months of it. It was awful. He, like your "D"H pushed me over when I was holding a newborn baby. Eventually he was made to leave by the police & courts & bound over to keep the police. You must phone the police if & when he lays a hand on you or the DCs again.

[Ally90]

Same experience here...first of all he was going to move out, went to view a house, then a week later after no progress he tells me he's decided that he's staying as why should he move out? 4 months later (after a lot of very uncomfortable evenings and a number of lectures on my many shortcomings) he moved out.

One solicitor said to me that many go into denial, but eventually as the divorce progresses it sinks in that you are divorcing and they start to accept it and do something. Right now he is thinking that you can get back together and nothing will change.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Malc, you ok ?

[MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO]

still here

spoke to dad and brother last night.

Im so confused.
i keep changing my mind about what i want.

Could this be rock bottom, like alcholhics and drug addicts get wherr they have to losr everything to sre what they have got?
could he not be having a breakdown. Thats not to say tbe previous behaviours are acceptable. They are not, but maybe he is so wrapped up in himself and his needs and wants he had lost any understanding of me...

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Has he said any of this ?

[EirikurNoromaour]

Why would that make it ok? Read back what you just wrote.

[Fairenuff]

What did you dad and brother say about it?

No, this is not rock bottom for him or you. It could get a lot worse. He is just facing a bit of disruption to his comfortable set up and he doesn't like it.

Tough.

See a solicitor tomorrow. Find out what benefits you could get. Focus on the things that you can do to help yourself. It doesn't hurt to find out and you will feel stronger for it.

Try to rest. Are you eating? Soup is a good option if you have no appetite. Set yourself small goals and be kind to yourself x

[SandyDilbert]

do not excuse his behaviour on a breakdown - is that what your Dad said?

Please strop trying to understand or justify his behaviour - he has done what he has because he wants to and this is the type of man he is. Don't minimise it by saying he is unwell.

[MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO]

he hasnt said any of this.
I havnt spoken to him since he left last night except for confirming we will will talk again but aeay from the housr. (after i have seen sol hopefully) he said he woulf sort babysitter.

I am eating, dm is forcr feeding me. Quite like the heartbreak diet, got a skinny tum again

My dad is angry and dissapointed and insistent i stay in the house.

My brother is very sad. We dont see each other as he lives abroad but we speak once or twice a week so we are close. He is also very heavily into the church (we are not) so he is hoping we can get through it.
He is a man obviously so knew all the midlife cliche crap. Hr was joking that he dreams of a motorbike to ride off for the day on and maybe we should get Dh a Harley (joke)

[MistressDeeCee]

Breakdown? What is this thing, when men are being outright silly and unkind, women explain it away as a breakdown? I dont mean to sound harsh but sorry, I see that mentioned in so many threads on relationship boards. Its ridiculous that this diagnosis is reached (not by a GP, either, but by the 'wronged wife') when a man is ill-treating her. I agree with SandyDilbert stop trying to minimise his behaviour by saying he is unwell.

OP youre the one who will become unwell if you dont face and deal with this man who is gaslighting you and causing you untold stress, which could impact on DC as well as yourself if you're not careful.

[Fairenuff]

Just to prepare you Malc, if you continue with this he will probably also threaten to kill himself. It's part of the script. I don't want to alarm you but just to let you know it's all for show.

Getting out of a relationship like this is a bit like getting past all the waves so that you can swim in the sea. You can see them coming, they build up to quite daunting heights and come crashing around you.

Sometimes they knock you all the way back to the shore but if you keep trying and are determined, eventually you get past them into the calm blue waters.

Don't stop trying. It's worth the effort. He's got you confined to a tiny island but once you're past the waves, there is a whole world out there for you.

[NettleTea]

believe me, this isnt rock bottom by a long way.....

He has been moaning about how he isnt happy in his marriage for a long time, has told you the marriage was over, but now you have taken him up on his offer he is back peddling furiously.
That shows you 100% that all his guff about bored and lonely was exactly said to put you in your place and make you run about after him, etc etc, or to frighten you into doing what he wanted, in case he took the marriage away.
My ex used to do this all the time - any time he was called on his bad behaviour it would be 'wahh wahh, I dont know if I want to be married' and Id be jumping about trying to save it, a great distraction from what he had actually done/not done.
But when I finally said, 'OK, go then' he didnt have that over me and suddenly he wanted to 'work on it'
the work on it script was a different script, but it was a script none the less - just a new tactic for him to get his domestic needs met and to get me to STFU while he basically carried on doing what he wanted. And he didnt have to leave the house.

So, going back to what your OH said - about the marriage being dead, about being bored and uninterested, etc etc. what did he expect you and DCs to do? did he expect all of you to go rather than him? In purely practical terms it is much easier for a working man, on his own, to find a sofa to crash on, and then a room, than for a non working mum with kids to find a friend for you all to go to.

[MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO]

what makes me most angry is that I have no control over my feelings. I am like a tornedo, calm, then sobbing, then... I didnt do this, he did. I hate this feeling.

[RollerCola]

Emotions like this are normal, just try to ride through them.

The thing to remember is this. He said he was bored, that you are boring. He didn't want to talk to you because you never had anything interesting to say. None of this is true, it's him being a twat and not taking a role in his family life.

So why does he want to try again? What will be different? He'll just want YOU to change. He won't, things might be better for a few weeks and then you'll be back to square one.

You deserve SO MUCH MORE respect than this. How dare he say those things about you. You have raised his children while he sits about moping and moaning like a pathetic shit. If he didn't get up and take control of his life before he never will.

Don't stand for it. Be strong and kick him out for good. Let him go and be 'bored' somewhere else with someone else. Eventually he'll realise that he's the boring one.

[Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie]

I remember upthread you mentioned how your parents split up when you were a teen. It seems likely you are not just evaluating your feelings for H but you are worried about your DCs. At the back of your mind are you fearful of what you and H separating will do to them?

[MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO]

yes donkey

[Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie]

A man who fathers a child then sits holding his baby DD and tears strips off his DW for having her is not someone interested in being an involved loving parent.

You said DC1 adores him, very often DCs sense when Dad rations time and attention and work all the harder to attract his interest. If there is genuine mutual affection, if you and H split up, they can still have contact and he can still be a parent. He has been coasting for so long, you've been picking up the slack. I hope you weren't pinning hopes on him somehow coming good once your ML ends and you are back at work. Isn't it more likely he will still contribute as little as he can get away with? Still demand more 'man time'?

At the moment you can find excuses for him: work, DIY, some kind of brainstorm that only impedes his connection with you and the DCs but otherwise allows him to function perfectly fine in all other areas. Really?

I am very sorry your idea of a family is not shared by H. You will have your work cut out as a single parent but without his selfish antics you may find life a lot easier.

[MalcolmTuckerIsMyHERO]

he makes me sick.

I have only recently been using facebook to pit pics on. Im only friends with family and close friends. Ive put loads on of dc over the last month and when i would say did u see that pic of ...
No i dont go on fb.
No interest.

Just put one on, and he likes it almost immeadiatly.

So he is on facebook when the ow is involved and hes interested in cute pics of the kids when he is not with tem

[RollerCola]

Ah yes, facebook is a great way for him to show his friends what a great dad he is.

My ex never posted pics of the kids on fb. Suddenly there's lots of them doing things at his house. All happy and smiley. And all his pals are liking them. Makes me sick too as he never wanted much to do with the kids when he was at home

Just ignore him.

[ScrambledSmegs]

I think you can block him from seeing stuff on your timeline. Somewhere in privacy settings. It would give you some psychological space, if you want it.

Sorry you're going through this. What an idiot he is.