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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to move on after an affair

114 replies

Chunked32 · 23/12/2013 08:13

I am a husband who recently found out his wife has been cheating. One of the reasons given was that MN forum supported her sadly insecure thinking. She was vulnerable and was gullible enough to listen to strangers rather than balance her views by talking to her friends and family.

My responsibility is that sadly I had been neglecting my wife in favour of prioritising home, kids, work and security. Not an excuse for either of us, I am just a bigger picture guy and don't believe two wrongs make a right. When I hold my children, I realise I should have spent more time holding my wife... That's my burden and responsibility to change.

We are now in counselling and have what most would consider to be a lucky, lovely lifestyle. It still worries me that I cannot trust my Dw as she lied about so much to save face in the past.

So advice please: If any of you have taken back a cheater for the sake of your family ( I possibly would not if we had been single!) what would you look for as signs that your partner can be trusted again? What would be a reasonable amount of time? What would be reasonable to ask of your wife to prove she can be trusted?

OP posts:
HorsePetal · 23/12/2013 08:18

Others with more experience/wisdom will be along soon. There is usually lots of very good advice on here for those that have experienced infidelity.

I just wanted to ask whether MN posters actively encouraged her to have an affair? Pretty shocking if so - or was just that she interpreted the advice that way?

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 23/12/2013 08:19

I personally think that once the trust is broken, it is never fully redeemed. Sorry not what you want to hear I know.

elizadofuckall · 23/12/2013 08:20

Mumsnet cheater needs discipline! Shock

thornrose · 23/12/2013 08:21

What a very odd choice of title!

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 23/12/2013 08:21

I don't think it's a great idea to seek support from the same place that your wife is/has been getting it.

If she is really saying that one of the reasons she had an affair was that 'Mumsnet' told her to, then you have a big problem - not least that dw is
In massive denial about her own role.

I'm sorry, you sound very hurt.

Noctilucent · 23/12/2013 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 23/12/2013 08:23

This thread will not end well.

ouryve · 23/12/2013 08:24

What are you going to do, OP? Spank her? Sit her in the naughty corner?

I've never seen anyone encouraged to have an affair on here.

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 23/12/2013 08:25

Actually Shock at "discipline" in the title!

mammadiggingdeep · 23/12/2013 08:27

Er....so mumsnet is partly to blame for your wives affair??

Is she still posting here?

Is that why you've posted?

She needs discipline??? A 'mumsnet cheater'?? Wtf? Was that thread title to get her attention?

I'm sorry you've been cheated on but I think the only blame can be laid at the feet of the cheater.

FloWhite · 23/12/2013 08:27

I've been on MN for some years now and I've never, ever seen a poster encouraged to have an affair - quite the reverse in fact.

Lweji · 23/12/2013 08:28

I wouldn't trust a cheater again.

But then I don't think I'd want to be with you either. Why exactly do you want her back? Do you want to discipline her? Do you not want to lose your children?

Don't take her back for the sake of the family, for god's sake.
You either love and trust her or you don't.

Is she now listening to friends and family instead of strangers? That can be good. Or bad. Depending on whether they are bullying her to stay with you.

How did you neglect her?

We would never condone cheating, but we might have encouraged her to leave you, yes.

Original poster
Chunked32 · 23/12/2013 08:30

The title?, just a bit of cheekiness... because despite being hurt I still have a sense of humour, and a great points made already! Thank you!

OP posts:
BabylonReturns · 23/12/2013 08:30

7 years and counting.

Trust still not restored fully. Not sure it ever will be.

CinnamonPorridge · 23/12/2013 08:30

Discipline? Is she a dog?

SolomanDaisy · 23/12/2013 08:31

You might as well have put her name in the bizarre title. Do you use a wide variety of methods to get at her?

CinnamonPorridge · 23/12/2013 08:31

Ah, sense of humour. Well, I'm foreign, I don't get it.

clam · 23/12/2013 08:33

Bear in mind too, that there is no "MN view." There are several million posters on here, all with differing opinions and views of their own, according to a wide range of experiences. They offer them freely, and your wife took what she wanted to hear from them.

elizadofuckall · 23/12/2013 08:33

Oh right...cheekiness, affairs are hilarious Confused

Offred · 23/12/2013 08:33

Mumsnet normally has a hard line complete intolerance of cheating tbh. I very seriously doubt that mumsnet would have advised or encouraged her to have an affair. Whatever mumsnet did advise her I think is pretty irrelevant anyway since she is an adult and she must take responsibility for her own choices.

I agree with pp that it is not wise for you to seek support here if she uses it.

All I will say is unless the both of you grow up and start behaving like adults - her with her blaming of everyone but herself and you with your 'needs discipline' etc I think you're on a hiding to nothing trying to keep the relationship together and you'll just damage your children.

pictish · 23/12/2013 08:34

Is this a mickey take?

Mumsnet advised your wife to have an affair? Nah.

fortyplus · 23/12/2013 08:34

I can't imagine that anyone on here would be encouraged to cheat. I once started a thread about problems a male friend was experiencing in his marriage and was immediately slapped down and told that my relationship with him was inappropriate. I think it's almost the the opposite views to those you've expressed - the slightest wavering is pounced on and people are told to buck their ideas up, seek counselling and either work at their marriage or get out.

I don't always agree, to be honest, but I'd say very strongly that in the 6 or 7 years I've been on here I've never once seen anyone encouraged to have an affair.

oldbaghere · 23/12/2013 08:35

How on earth did MN make her cheat?

And "needs discipline" - are you for real?

And I think posting here when she uses it for support makes me feel a bit uneasy. Rather manipulative, don't you think?

FloWhite · 23/12/2013 08:36

Maybe get the thread moved to dads net.

Lweji · 23/12/2013 08:40

You know, OP, we usually tell people here that when a person tells you who they are, believe them.
They will often say they were just joking, but if they say it that's what's they are thinking.
See where this is going?

Nice title. How on earth did you come up with it?