How to move on after an affair

[Chunked32]

I am a husband who recently found out his wife has been cheating. One of the reasons given was that MN forum supported her sadly insecure thinking. She was vulnerable and was gullible enough to listen to strangers rather than balance her views by talking to her friends and family.

My responsibility is that sadly I had been neglecting my wife in favour of prioritising home, kids, work and security. Not an excuse for either of us, I am just a bigger picture guy and don't believe two wrongs make a right. When I hold my children, I realise I should have spent more time holding my wife... That's my burden and responsibility to change.

We are now in counselling and have what most would consider to be a lucky, lovely lifestyle. It still worries me that I cannot trust my Dw as she lied about so much to save face in the past.

So advice please: If any of you have taken back a cheater for the sake of your family ( I possibly would not if we had been single!) what would you look for as signs that your partner can be trusted again? What would be a reasonable amount of time? What would be reasonable to ask of your wife to prove she can be trusted?

It isn't comparable doesn't. Mumsnet relationships, as the op is aware, is usually a safe place for women to receive support which counter acts the usual misogynistic expectations that women must put up and shut up with crap situations.

This pressure is lesser for men but equally this is a place he has targeted, not to get support, but to publicly humiliate his wife and to blame mumsnet for the breakdown of his relationship - it is not just his wife that's bad but all of mumsnet!

Unsurprising that he has got a negative reaction. I would expect the same thing to happen to a woman posting the same post on dadsnet, knowing her h was a dadsnet user and telling him what she was doing.

But obviously would be different if a woman posting on mumsnet in a similar vein although not as different as you suggest. I've never seen a woman (or a man) not be held responsible for cheating in any thread but just because the op's wife cheated doesn't mean he gets to publicly humiliate her and smugly attack the whole of mumsnet with impunity.

I doubt that there was a thread by the wife as OP has declined to link it.

To be fair to him he may not have seen any thread she may have posted. It may simply have been raised in an argument.

I think it is a red herring anyway.

This thread is a 101 on how not to handle an affair well.

I agree 100% offred. She has blamed Mumsnet and he's just here to get his revenge.

He's lashing out.

I'm not condoning her affair AT ALL. It totally stinks. However, the fact that op chose to come to a forum where she received advice smacks of controlling behaviour. Not a nice thing to do at all.

(And isn't it interesting he chose two misogynists to reference in his attempt to assert his assumed intellectual superiority)

I find the thread title and the post really triggering, actually. I never cheated on xh, I did my best to provide a nice and loving home, but one of this things he liked was 'discipline'; none of it was serious, all a bit of fun, of course, to make a more submissive wife.

His post shows no respect for his wife 'sadly insecure... gullible' - whereas he paints himself as a hard-working guy who has prioritised his children (implies she did not); demonstrated their privilege (lovely, lucky lifestyle... implies all provided by him, how could she not appreciate that??, plus did she do nothing to contribute to this?) and while slating her for being gullible enough to ask strangers, he is here doing just the same to ask how she can prove she can be trusted... which suggests that the whole point is nothing to do with resolving the marriage and everything to do with undermining her support system and showing who is in control.

Yuk. Taking the cheating out of the equation, would you stay with this man? I am really sorry she cheated, but only because it now provides him with a nice stick to beat her with till kingdom come. No-one condones cheating, but this is really a horrid post.

Oh, and for the record, I have been cheated on by my DD's dad. I would not have dreamed of responding in this manner.

I think if you want to stay together you have to trust her from the start. Maybe I'm been naive but I wouldn't want to stay with someone who was checking on me all the time even if I'd cheated in the past. But I guess if dh cheated I'd want to check his phone....so I don't know.

Counselling is good. You realising that there are things you can do to improve the relationship is good. I've read that women tend to cheat when they feel neglected. I'm not saying its an excuse to cheat but if she doesn't feel neglected she's less likely to cheat. My mum cheated on my dad for this reason. They split up.

Similar titles have also been slated when posted by women.

And if a woman sounds controlling and abusive she will also be called on it.

You just need to hang around relationships for a while.

...and while slating her for being gullible enough to ask strangers, he is here doing just the same to ask how she can prove she can be trusted... which suggests that the whole point is nothing to do with resolving the marriage and everything to do with undermining her support system and showing who is in control

I think this is what comes shining through, not a man in pain, looking for support. Of all the forums, he has to come here, where he believes his wife posts.

If he wanted advice would he start with a 'jokey' thread title? If he wants support, he should keep posting or start a new, sensible thread to discuss the issues.

yeah, he is allowed to hurt. He's not allowed to behave vindictively and use mumsnet to publicly humiliate his wife. Point is he isnt posting for his hurt or for any advice. Those things are secondary only to his vindictiveness.

Have to say I think you are crazy to have chosen the path you did. Your h is just a man, it is just a relationship you could be with someone else and be happy. By what you say you've handled it incredibly badly and I can't imagine what it would have been like to live through all that vindictiveness as a child. Ultimately what you have taught them about relationships is extremely toxic. My exh grew up in the relationship you describe, it ultimately ruined our relationship - him having been taught to swallow his feelings and silently hate.

Bloody hell, this man is in incredible pain and some of you are blaming him for lashing out.

Provocation is not a defence, though, is it?

My first boyfriend, he locked me in a room and beat me into a corner, because he was in so much pain that I had ended the relationship.

That okay too? Quote: "You have hurt me, so I will hurt you"

That it is not physical here does not make it any better.

^My dh cheated 6 years ago. It was a terrible time, the hurt was indescribable and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I lashed out by doing some really silly things, I completely understand why you're here, you want to ruin her life, like she has ruined yours. Coming onto the internet and belittling her is just your pain shining through. I joined affair websites lambasting my dh and offering myself up on a plate, I made it very easy for him to find me, the more pain he felt, the better it made me feel. I contacted old boyfriends and had lovely chats with them, the more jealous dh was the more he saw other people still saw me as desirable the better I felt.

That eventually stops, then starts again, then stops. It really is a roller coaster. My dh just rode it out, he remained totally steadfast and determined to win me back. I put him through hell, I know now I was testing him. He'd put me through hell, he deserved it!

He hated himself, I hated him, we had a terrible time but we got help, went to counselling. It was the best thing to do, we slowly worked things out, it was hard! ^

You are utterly delusional if you think this has had no effect on your children.

Haven't read the whole thread because it gives me the heeby jeebys for some reason. Chunked32's wife....if you need to talk please continue to use MN. It sounds like you could do with it.

I similarly delusionally thought my deep unhappiness and extreme stress whilst still with xh was having no effect on my dc and that it was better to keep it together if we could for their sake.

Have more than had that proved wrong! Since the split they have been much happier and more settled. There was nothing like the level of conflict and animosity involved in our split.

I think you're kids might have picked up on their parents hating each other and their mum 'lashing out'

Your kids not you're

That's a much better title op.