How to move on after an affair

[Chunked32]

I am a husband who recently found out his wife has been cheating. One of the reasons given was that MN forum supported her sadly insecure thinking. She was vulnerable and was gullible enough to listen to strangers rather than balance her views by talking to her friends and family.

My responsibility is that sadly I had been neglecting my wife in favour of prioritising home, kids, work and security. Not an excuse for either of us, I am just a bigger picture guy and don't believe two wrongs make a right. When I hold my children, I realise I should have spent more time holding my wife... That's my burden and responsibility to change.

We are now in counselling and have what most would consider to be a lucky, lovely lifestyle. It still worries me that I cannot trust my Dw as she lied about so much to save face in the past.

So advice please: If any of you have taken back a cheater for the sake of your family ( I possibly would not if we had been single!) what would you look for as signs that your partner can be trusted again? What would be a reasonable amount of time? What would be reasonable to ask of your wife to prove she can be trusted?

As a man i have never seen MN condone cheating - it tends to be a very black and white issue around here.

However more often than not the man is ALWAYS at fault. Man has affair..mans fault, women has affair...mans fault. So it wouldn't have been justified as a discrete act but i can easily see your wife turning up here telling everyone how shit you are - mumsnet LTB chorus - and maybe that led to her feeling her actions were justified on account of how much of a terrible person you were. (A link would be a good start though)

You aren't going to get much good advice here, its unraveling already.

It's NOT your fault your wife had affair! Just remember that - she has to earn your confidence back. She has obviously asked for another chance..she needs to earn it.

"women has affair...mans fault."

Utter crap. MN fairly consistent in saying it's always the cheat's fault. If there's a common refrain from cheated partner it's 'DP has affair... OW's/OM's fault'. Soon set straight.

Its never the cheated fault

But both have to take responsibility to get things back on track. Understanding why they got that place where one cheated is useful so you can avoid the same mistake (whether in this relationship or any new ones) BUT this should not be used as a blaming exercise they should both look at their behaviour not the others and see where they get to.

This does not in anyway mean the person having the affair was justified.

And besides, when did "cheater" become acceptable English?

They don't both have to take responsibility to get 'back on track'. There are other options open to the cheated partner that don't involve the track at all. Very important.... even if someone wants to get back on the track and is 100% committed if they find they can't forgive and forget, 'move on' or whatever, then they are under no obligation at all

Cogito.. There has been three poster already blam the man on this thread... Can you put them straight please

I don't believe mn advised your wife to cheat. I think it's most likely that she was advised to leave the unhappy relationship.

Instead, she has chosen to cheat and, instead of taking responsibility for that, she has tried to lay blame on a) you and b) mumsnet (bizarrely )

I also think that you now want tit-for-tat by starting a thread to show her what mn thinks about it all. Very odd behaviour and a goady thread title.

Why not start a new thread just with the facts about your wife's affair and you will get a better response.

Well as another man, rpitchfo, I've seen women get slaughtered on here for having affairs/cheating and have received no sympathy whatsoever. It's one of the things I've found most refreshing on here. Right and wrong is called exactly as it is regardless of gender.

OP, you need to provide a link to the posts where your wife was encouraged to cheat.

Rubbish that MN blame men for women's affairs...

If a poster said that a man was to blame for his wife cheating that poster would be totally flamed.

It is never the other persons fault. A cheater is the person who decides to cheat, it is therefore their fault.

Some very sound advice and opinions, some not so useful. In a nutshell: my title is misleading and insulting. Sorry for any offence caused. Sadly I don't know how to change it. My bad.

I could quote twain and Neitsche for those who like some intellectual banter. I have learned as much about myself as my wife during the process.

The advice given on the question alone is generally balanced. Thank you.
And my best wishes for those that have been hurt in the past.

Lesson of the day: I think being emotional by internet is probably not a good thing. Especially for logical, men! Have a brilliant Christmas.

Are you trying to humiliate your wife. Show her how stupid she has been?

"Look wifey, all the ladies who told you to cheat are now saying the opposite. It was all I your head"

I am sorry she cheated on you, but I really find this thread very worrying. Are y going to take over every part of your wife's life now. In an effort to rebuild trust?

I also find it questionable that you lambast your wife for taking advice from strangers on the internet, but here you are doing exactly the same. Female strangers at that (with the odd male thrown in for good measure)

I would love to know what threads are your wife's, as there is always two sides to every story.

You can change the thread title by reporting your thread to HQ (using the report button) and ask them to change it.

Intellectual banter is a bit of a knobbish remark.

HTH

Glaikik- I agree that this is worrying. I think this is all for his wifes benefit. :(

GlaikitInAPearTree, I'm not odd. :)

Neiljames

Bizarre thread!

OP, I am sorry you have been cheated on and I feel your unfortunate topic title, albeit as you said, tongue in cheek, may have set everything wrong here. You say your wife knows this thread is on here, I would find it a bit humiliating and I hope that you haven't done it for some kind of retribution for her.

I would delete this thread and start another, you will get lots of support and advice regardless if you are a man, woman, or a.another.

If you have gone now from this thread, I wish you and your wife all the best in moving forward.

It isn't about being emotional. It is about letting your emotions translate into vindictiveness. Both yours and your wife's primary concern should be for helping your children through this.

Neither your wife (as you describe her) not yourself seem to be able to own your own behaviour and take responsibility for it.

You are not coming off in the best light because of what you are choosing to write. Everyone understands your hurt but your vindictive, smug and irresponsible attitude is not going to fix your marriage. It is going to damage your children.

Unless you can forgive her and get past this reaction you will not rebuild your relationship. Personally I don't think I would be trying given you've indicated you would not try if you were not married/had no children.

What the children need is for you to resolve this, whether you stay together or not, with the least amount of vindictiveness possible and with their welfare at heart.

Thanks. have done.

One of the reasons given was that MN forum supported her sadly insecure thinking

I suspect that her thinking was dead on target judging by your title and your subsequent posts.

I do wonder what the advice would be for a woman in this situation. Probably hand holding and a chorus of "leave the bastard". Also, it would be pointed out that the H cheated because he wanted to and not because some internet forum told him to. Advice of counselling and to work on any underlying issues for the affair would then be offered to a woman who wanted to stay.

I doubt there would be nit picking about a poorly chosen thread title.

OP- do you want to make the marriage work? Trust can't be simply reinstated and I suspect it would be difficult. I think it's easy to forgive, less easy to forget. Good luck.

If you read it that way NeilJames, it says more about you than me

Mnet wouldnt have advised your wife to have an affair, they would have advised her to leave you. Looks like we might have been right - my dad always used to say (and my dad was right most of the time) "many a true word said in jest" so while you think that your OP title shows a sense of humour, i think it shows a controlling attitude.

One of the reasons given was that MN forum supported her sadly insecure thinking

That is just an excuse. She cheated because she wanted to and because the opportunity was there. It was her decision alone. She needs to accept that.

Exactly LEM.