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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to move on after an affair

114 replies

Chunked32 · 23/12/2013 08:13

I am a husband who recently found out his wife has been cheating. One of the reasons given was that MN forum supported her sadly insecure thinking. She was vulnerable and was gullible enough to listen to strangers rather than balance her views by talking to her friends and family.

My responsibility is that sadly I had been neglecting my wife in favour of prioritising home, kids, work and security. Not an excuse for either of us, I am just a bigger picture guy and don't believe two wrongs make a right. When I hold my children, I realise I should have spent more time holding my wife... That's my burden and responsibility to change.

We are now in counselling and have what most would consider to be a lucky, lovely lifestyle. It still worries me that I cannot trust my Dw as she lied about so much to save face in the past.

So advice please: If any of you have taken back a cheater for the sake of your family ( I possibly would not if we had been single!) what would you look for as signs that your partner can be trusted again? What would be a reasonable amount of time? What would be reasonable to ask of your wife to prove she can be trusted?

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 23/12/2013 08:40

What Pictish said....

Lazyjaney · 23/12/2013 08:41

"What a very odd choice of title!"

And there I was thinking it was about spanking....

Ledkr · 23/12/2013 08:41

I think that if one partner has an affair then the long term effects will be lack of trust and its up to the cheater to try and minimise this and reassure the partner.
Is your wife doing this?

Original poster
Chunked32 · 23/12/2013 08:42

Agree with a lot of common sense stuff said on here. It's a huge learning for me. Honesty comes in many forms. And all of you have offered advice. Feed back is a gift. Yes my wife knows about this thread.

I just wish a few more people would answer the question...

OP posts:
Buzzardisnotina4birdroast · 23/12/2013 08:43

You need to link to the thread where she was encouraged to cheat. I have never seen anyone bring encouraged to cheat by the majority. Maybe 1 in a hundred posters but never more than that.

Why would she be encouraged? If she painted a bad picture of you she would have been told to 'LTB', never cheat and stay.

Doesn't make sense.

HorsePetal · 23/12/2013 08:45

I think we should give the OP a break here - he has explained that the thread title was just a joke.

He has been cheated in so the jokes on him surely.

Despite being cheated on (leaving him feeling utterly heartbroken I would imagine), he is still trying desperately to keep his family together.

OP - maybe ask for thread title to be changed as done posters won't be able to see past it unfortunately.

Offred · 23/12/2013 08:46

As stated by many. People don't think it is wise to indulge you because what you are doing by asking for advice is attempting to undermine your wife's source of support. The fact she knows about a thread you have called "mumsnet cheater needs discipline" clearly shows that is your aim. I doubt many people want to support you to those ends.

Mumsnet is normally very against cheating but equally is very against behaviour like this. Whilst I think many people would be sympathetic to your hurt, you're going about this in the wrong way and you can't get support here without harming your wife.

musicismylife · 23/12/2013 08:47

Hi, op, not good that you are going through this.

I took my ex back after cheating on me with a selection of women. In theory, it seemed the right thing to do - kids, still loved him, etc.

In practise, definitely the wrong thing to do. Because while he was thinking he was Adonis Hmm, I was, understandably, broken hearted. Things went from bad to worse. He did it again and again and again. After a long while (due to New baby and lack of self-worth), I saw a pattern emerging Hmm. Well, I saw it months before but was in denial. Fell out with a lot of people because I was trying to defend the indefensible.

Run for the hills.

My only regret is that I did not sling his sorry arse out sooner.

Oh, and to make it worse, the women he were cavorting with were all married, so it wasn't as if either party had plans of leaving, just getting their cake and eating the lot!!

Thebluedog · 23/12/2013 08:47

You will never fully trust her again and your relationship will always be different. I saw trust as a piece of paper. When my husband had his affair he took that paper and ripped it and screwed it up. We've repaired that paper, cellotaped it back together and ironed it, but it will NEVER be as it was.
But don't stay just for the family, IMO that will never work. You need to WANT to work it out with her because you love her (even if you don't particularly like her right now)

As for mn encouraging her to have an affair, I find that v difficult to believe. I've never once seen anyone encouraged to have an affair!

Discipline Shock you will need your hard hat on for that one.

Lweji · 23/12/2013 08:47

Answering the question, you can ask her to give you free reign of her phone, e-mail, and never walk out of the house without you.

But she could get another phone, open another e-mail account and meet people at home.
And you'd be her controller, not her husband.
I wouldn't want to be in either position.

I don't think there is an answer to your question. Sorry.

Buzzardisnotina4birdroast · 23/12/2013 08:47

And in answer to your actual question. I could not say there were any signs a cheater could be trusted again, I guess you would be looking for genuine remorse? The time scale would be your choice as everyone is different. The 'punishment' is self inflicted by the deed they have done.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/12/2013 08:48

To answer your question about taking back a cheat I'd say that it isn't something everyone can or should do. Depends entirely on the individuals involved. IME taking someone back is relatively easy in the early days when all the other options seem so miserable. The adrenaline kicks in & emotion takes a back seat while you try to apply a rational fix. You think you can handle it. You're determined to make it work.

Again IME it's only when the dust settles and you have to chance to think about your decision that the problems start.... resentment, upset, mistrust, anger. Regardless of whether the cheating partner is half-hearted or 100% committed at that stage, feelings can even turn to hate and contempt. You already think she's gullible for listening to strangers. I'd say the contempt has started already.

FloWhite · 23/12/2013 08:49

I'm fairly sure you have probably read other threads about affairs where tons of advice about trust is offered.

GhettoPrincess001 · 23/12/2013 08:50

I wonder how many times this thread has been reported already ?

She broke under the weight of being married to you. You took your eye off the ball. OP needs to be a better husband.

Just play the blame game for a couple of years and she'll leave you and your attitude for someone who sees her as an equal.

Drop the arrogance, pal.

aaaaaaa · 23/12/2013 08:50

I think you should leave mumsnet as your wife's place. And find a different place for yourself to gather opinions/advice

musicismylife · 23/12/2013 08:52

Agree, cogito

Noctilucent · 23/12/2013 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

musicismylife · 23/12/2013 08:56

Op, I don't want to jump on the bandwagon, but what are your motives for being on here?

Don't get me wrong, it's your call but if you are doing it to shame her then shame on you.

Did you find threads on here that she had written?

Puttheshelvesup · 23/12/2013 08:57

OP, no one can possibly give you a definitive answer to your questions. We don't know you or your wife or what sort of people you are. If I were in your situation I might feel the need to keep a check on dh's phone and emails, with his permission of course, or I might take the stance that there is no point in 'keeping tabs' since someone will find a way to cheat if they really want to and I may as well try to trust them. Again, the time frame is really subjective and nobody can give you an answer. TBH I don't know anyone who has managed to get any trust back. It's your DW who should be trying to show you that she is trustworthy and wanting to make the relationship work.

BTW, your choice of title is in really poor taste and is not funny.

mammadiggingdeep · 23/12/2013 08:59

You want people to answer the question.

Is there a dialogue between you and your wife at the moment about what is reasonable to expect from her now and she's not agreeing with you? Are you using this thread to perhaps prove a point?

I agree- perhaps you could link to the thread where she was advised to cheat. Would help us get background...

WinterWinds · 23/12/2013 09:01

I very much doubt that MN supported your wife in having an affair.

If someone comes here and openly admits to this, the responses are not usually encouraging to continue.
But having said that, advice may have been given in supporting your DW to try and get her head straightened out and figure out herself what she needs to do for the best.

Since finding out of the affair, your trust will be gone and your thinking will be a bit skewed, so I understand that you are looking for someone to blame.

But You have to ask yourself "why" she felt the need to cheat in the first place. We are not married to your wife. You are!

You will both need to work on this, If its both what you want.
There was an issue in your marriage for this to have happened in the first place. So you need to get to the bottom of those issues first before you can start the long process of learning to trust again

QuintessentialShadows · 23/12/2013 09:03

How can you actually expect people to answer the question when your post read half as a mickey take, and half as a serious allegation, and one third as juvenile tosh?

The question, I fear, got totally lost in a stupid headline, and the insinuation that people here have advised your wife to cheat on you.

Confused

I have been posting here for over 8 years, spent a lot of time on the Relationship board, and although we are a million voices of individuals, the theme is always "dont cheat, it will not solve any problems, end your relationship before you start a new one"

And if you had taken the time to read a few threads here on the topic, you would see that cheaters themselves get quite a hard time, as well as people having affairs with married people.

If you want serious advice, I suggest you start a different thread where you get to the point, enough with the cheeky hilarity and actually seek advice on what is on your mind.

Lweji · 23/12/2013 09:04

Disagreeing with Winds.

You should be looking for what in her psychology led her to the affair. Many people have problems in their marriages and don't have affairs.

She chose to have an affair. Why did she make that choice? Because the answer to that should tell you (and her) if she's likely to do it again or not.

WinterWinds · 23/12/2013 09:11

Yes you are right lewji, I did word that wrong didn't I?

I guess that's what I was trying to say, but you put it so much better than me!

ashamedoverthinker · 23/12/2013 09:22

I think of trust as having layers. You add new layers as you go a along.

For example trusting someone to

Share feelings - discssing how you feel then/now/in future
Behaviour - just basics of spending time together, what you do for each other, re building intemacy
Reliability - to remain committed to things you've agreed on.
Showing each other respect.

I suppose I see trust as an overarching term. Work on its component parts and it will begin to add up. It will take time. You will both need to re-state things, provide reassurance when necessary.

I dont like you thread title.