How to move on after an affair

[Chunked32]

I am a husband who recently found out his wife has been cheating. One of the reasons given was that MN forum supported her sadly insecure thinking. She was vulnerable and was gullible enough to listen to strangers rather than balance her views by talking to her friends and family.

My responsibility is that sadly I had been neglecting my wife in favour of prioritising home, kids, work and security. Not an excuse for either of us, I am just a bigger picture guy and don't believe two wrongs make a right. When I hold my children, I realise I should have spent more time holding my wife... That's my burden and responsibility to change.

We are now in counselling and have what most would consider to be a lucky, lovely lifestyle. It still worries me that I cannot trust my Dw as she lied about so much to save face in the past.

So advice please: If any of you have taken back a cheater for the sake of your family ( I possibly would not if we had been single!) what would you look for as signs that your partner can be trusted again? What would be a reasonable amount of time? What would be reasonable to ask of your wife to prove she can be trusted?

Yes, what a difference that title makes.

I find there are some MN who for whatever reason chose to end their marriages and seem hellbent on convincing others they should do so or should have. They do not seem to be able to respect that different couples are able to achieve happiness through different outcomes. So if an outcome is different to their own they can't cope.

I have encountered this in RL too. The person who thought I was 'soft' for foriging me husband and him me is now a very bitter single person. I realise now they were quite toxic.

It does take two people to put a marriage back together as that is what it is made up of.

I also disagree with Viva from up thread you cant just trust from the start - you have to be prepared to build the trust and respect back up. That takes two - granted one may have more work to do than the other.

I think the OP needs to let go of a lot of anger first. I think you can forgive without having to forget what happend (had my own trgger for a scar yesterday so know this only too well)

Sorry that should read:

I have encountered this in real life too. The person who thought I was 'soft' for forgiving my DH, and DH me is now a very bitter single person. Pride definately came before their downfall. I realise they were quite toxic.

OP are you really taking your wife back purely for the sake of your family? If so I suspect it will not work.

Rebuilding a relationship after such a massive breach of trust really does require both parties to be on board with it, 100%, not just 'for the kids'. You need to want your wife, for her, and she needs to want to repair things with you. If either one of you is just going through the motions you won't have the strength as a team to get through the bad days. For there will be a lot of bad days.

I took my DH back, and I think I can finally say that after 19 months it is no longer the foremost thing in my mind every day. It takes a minute to forgive but forever to move on.

In answer to your questions:

The signs: your partner should of their own volition show you they are desperately sorry and will do anything to make things easy for you. Whatever it takes. If you are the one pushing for changes they aren't really in it for the long term.

Reasonable time: As long as it takes, this is a personal one. Perhaps forever. You'll go through an emotional roller coaster and perhaps think everything is fine again almost immediately, only to be blind sided by it again after a random trigger.

Proof: I'm of the opinion that if you feel you have to police your partner, and need endless proof you probably aren't in a good place. I don't check up on my DH or ask him for anything. I don't need to, he does everything himself to make me feel secure. I wouldn't have the mental energy to keep tabs on him. I'd walk if he gave me reason to think I needed to.

Finally, accept that your marriage will be changed forever, and to make it work you may need to change too. Don't use the affair as a stick to beat your partner with every time you have a disagreement. You both have to move on.

Good luck. Plenty of marriages survive affairs, successfully and amicably. Those aren't the ones people talk about though.

I read it as - they went through the mill, she admitted she did some stupid things but now they are happy.

I cant see where she is said she is proud. But I will day I am proud of what DH and I have got through. I am not proud of some of the things I did or said during the time and neither is DH. The proudness comes from what you manage to do to get to a place where you are happy again - if that means working at it or seperating then thats what it means for that person/couple.

We had our decree nisi thats how far we came back. I agree absolutle there has to be forgiveness and trust. She has said 100%, I think I would agree with that in relation to my situation. It was deeply hurtful what we went through I had my eyes opened. I saw a side to my DH I didnt knw existed...I experience stress and hurt like no other time in my life.

So yes a little part of me is always reserved just for myself. I feel it's a protective mehcnaism there to serve me as to what can happen if i dont respect myself, partner and marriage. Its stops me from being smug and complacement. I have learnt lessons from it that serve me well today.

Some people are ot prepared to live with a person who has wronged them in what ever way that maybe even of the forgive them, and I can understand that too.

I never commented on the children.

If a parent is stressed then this affects how you parent. No one can denie that. I am sure mine was aware of my stress on some level.

We feel we did the right thing for us, for our situation and that our DS and now DD benefit from that.

I didn't mean you, over-thinker.

I think you might be an over-thinker. ;)

! this yes im currently in self help mode/recovery hence NN - not related to this topic though!

You must pay attention to your wife, clearly a neglected wife/partner will look elsewhere if she is not getting the intimate, loving attention that every wife deserves. It is not enough to provide money and support for your family. If you don't give the intimate love required on an on-going basis then a woman will seek it elsewhere. Not intentionally, it often begins with a crush. Your wife deserves attention if you love her. Of course you can't turn back the clock but you can make sure you don't neglect her in the future. Take the time to really notice her, talk to her, really listen and appreciate her.

Because there is huge pressure on mothers to suck it up supposedly for the sake of the children. I think making out that you have entirely contained such described venom without any ill effects and are happy now even though you still don't trust him and havent talked it through in RL is highly likely to have, in reality, been a choice to prioritise your codependecy and fear about being left over your children's welfare. Especially when you use that experience to encourage another person's vengeful abuse of their spouse. It reads like a 1950's handbook. I certainly wouldn't congratulate anyone simply for still being in the relationship matissy described. It's really toxic that description for all kinds of reasons but for many all that matters is not ending a marriage and screw everything else. It isnt even about the infidelity, it's about the abusive dynamic that matissy described as resulting from the infidelity/the choice to stay together against her own personal feelings.

First step to not appear a total tool is to learn to spell the names of the intellectual men or philosophers you want to quote. Not knowing how their names are spelt has the opposite of the desires effect.