broken hearted

[oskybosky4]

I am a mum of 3 grown up sons and have just had a terrible shock, my middle son has just broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years and i love both my son and his GF like she is a daughter. I feel a terrible loss.

This has all come out of the blue he told me 2 weeks ago on the phone but I didn't speak to him again until this week when he came to visit, they live in another city. He told me that he is happier than he has been for the last 6 months but he doesn't look it, he looks exhausted and sad.

They had had a bit of a row and she told him to get out so he did, nowhere to go or anything and she fully expected him to go home later but when he didn't contact her she became very worried and tried to get hold of him but he wasn't answering he phone to anybody.

After speaking with my son it seems that he felt she was telling him what to wear etc, he couldn't go out after work, as she needed him to go and take the dog out. They both work in hospitality and work long shifts frequently at different times of the day. He said it got to the point where he didn't recognise himself anymore and felt trapped. They were planning to buy a house together

It transpires however that there is another young woman, a work colleague of his involved, 10 years younger than his GF and he says he can talk to her and has more in common with her. I and my husband think this is a case of 'the grass being greener' maybe he confided in her when he was feeling a bit down and she responded and flattered him and maybe he began to feel more dissatisfied becuase of this attention. immature I know but we all know it happens.

I sent his GF a birthday card and gift I had already bought her and a letter saying how sorry I was this had happened, nothing about this other girl though. She phoned me back yesterday in floods of tears, she is heartbroken, can't eat, sleep or function properly. She is in complete shock and doesn't know why he has left, her life has completely changed in a heartbeat. He won't speak to her he has just sent one text saying that he feels happier now and that he felt he wasn't himself anymore. She is in absolute bits after 4 years she deserves more than a text message.

He isn't heartless, he is a very kind and caring young man and this is so
out of character. He waited a full 12 months before she would go out with him and then I have never seen him happier I would have sworn they were made for each other, even a couple of weeks ago everything seemed fine they seemed like a loving couple.

I don't know what to do, I think I may have made a mistake writing to her but at the same time I wanted her to know how special she is to us, to the whole family. She doesn't have family in this country but does
have a good friend who rents a room in their house.

do I risk loosing my son by advising him that he should see her and at least talk to her even if there is no hope of reconcilliation or do I just keep well out of it and keep my grieve to myself do I contact his Gf again. I am 64 and thought I would know what to do but am at a complete loss.

that's not good is it. I use Facebook a lot but hate it when people air their dirty laundry on it or I find out family stuff on there- quite important things too. but I think you've hit nail on the head that its a way of getting it out there in the social media age. people dont always think of the wider consequences of it. sometimes to their detriment later on and definitely of others, as you are discovering.

my husband has just left me and the different status updates I've wanted to give are endless. however i equally dont think its the place personally for that. but it is personal choice. in fact I've categorically told people I dont want it all over Facebook.

hoping things settle down for you soon as you genuinely sound like a lovely lady

Oh OP, I feel sorry for you, I hope she doesn't turn into bitter ex for youx

Ah, it's not ideal to air your relationship breakdown in public, but I expect the anger is kicking in for the lass and it's a low-risk way of expressing it and getting the information out there. Maybe she's got suspicions and hopes the OW sees it, putting paid to any stories he might have been telling about the relationship being 'over in all but name' or somesuch.

I'd just ignore it and not mention it.

Yes thats what I thought too. She must be very angry and hurting now but she will get some support from her 'friends' on facebook. When/if I speak with her again I won't mention it, she knows I'm not on facebook. I just hope I don't keep getting phone calls updating me on anything that is put on facebook. I will tell them I really don't want to know.

My mums odder than ususal behaviour this last few days is due to a urine infection. We had the doctor come see her today. apparently can cause hallucinations even though she had no temperature or anything like that.

DH full of apologies after the other night and is now asking me what I would like to watch on tv - RESULT!!

I suppose everyday it gets a little easier

erm no, not really. Or it's a great many (many) 'days' before it even starts to get a little easier, certainly not the barely a week since it happened. Try about a year before it starts 'getting a little easier'.

Just being realistic, let's not sweep this under the carpet as though it hasn't really happened. re the FB thing - I don't blame her for getting out there how shoddily he did it.

Yes I think it's best to tell the others that you don't want to know about what gets said on networks.

I've had elderly relatives who've had the same symptoms with a urine infection. On a couple of occasions it was a relief as we thought it was dementia. I hope mum responds to antibiotics, poor thing.

Good to hear about DH's volte-face! Life has been stressful for you both recently I guess.

Hi, you are right of course it does take a long time and I was really meaning that the initial shock lessens a little bit and other feelings start to take over maybe anger, depression, loss - strong, strong feelings that you don't always know what to do with. This is why I am worried about her.

Years ago I was very troubled and anxious about things, money problems among them. I went to see my doctor because I thought I was getting depressed. [ I had postnatal depression and I was feeling the same sort of way]

She gave me a piece of advice which I have never forgotten and some anti-depressants - she listened and among others things she just said 'What can YOU do about it'. I did give this some thought and I have sort of lived by this ever since - then I sorted out my immediate money problems by selling some of my childhood book collection - paid off the big and unexpected bill that I had been worrying about. I now have my own business, don't make a fortune but it pays some of the bills and it really is up to me how much I earn. This was the something I could do.

I guess this is one thing that she is DOING about it and I'm not annoyed with her - I am just vexed that everyone is ringing me about it, when they know my views on facebook. Its fine if you like it and use but I don't.

Leavenheath, thanks you are so kind. My mum is a bit better now, she isn't seeing men in her house anymore. It was very difficult to reassure her she was so frightened. She is forgetful, but she is very old so its only what you would expect.

Dh is being very attentive just now, seems my outburst made him think. I am going to make the most of it while it lasts!!!

Still unsure about ringing ex gf - my heart says yes because I want to know how she is but my head is saying maybe not a good idea - I don't want to make things worse for her.

Just a little update. Spoke to my son today he seems fine. He is going to get a flat with a guy from work but not until end of January when this other lads lease runs out. In the meantime he is just staying with who ever can put him up. I did ask if he had seen ex gf but he said not yet, he thinks she is still too upset, I don't know if he intends to see her in the future or not. He knows about the facebook message, one of his mates told him but no one else has commented.

I did tell him I was worried about his ex but that I hadn't spoken to her since CDay and I wondered whether to ring her. He did ask me not to.

Well Done, How do you feel now?x

Osky you sound like such a lovely warm and kind hearted person.

I just wanted you to know that.

From an anonymous person on the internet

I'm glad you asked him first. I think you are going about it all in the right way.

Thanks everyone, Cjel, the problems with my mum these last few days have had to take priority. I am still saddened by the break up of what I thought was the perfect partnership, obviously I was so wrong. I am still worried about his ex but will respect his wish and not get in touch with but if she rings me I will be more than glad to talk to her but will make it clear that I can't discuss whats happened between them. i am worried about her, I can't deny that.

You are going on alright and then life just comes and kicks you up the butt. After a difficult couple of years, DH has had Ulcerative Colitis and Pneumonia, has had to have his bowel removed because he was really ill and unresponsive to drugs, then suffered from medical negligence and had to have 2 further ops to put it right. I had a hip replacement. Last year we were finally getting things together, we both lost over 2 stone in weight, I started going to gym classes and we both joined an art group. My new DIL actively involved me in their wedding preparations which was really nice of her. My business is doing well and my husband though not working since his operation is now going to join me in my business [he has been learning how to use computer]. I thought all my sons were in happy relationships, my mother was doing fine for her age and all was well with the world. DH and I had even rekindled our love life, absent for over 2 years because of health problems.

Then within a space of 4 weeks I feel is if I have been put in a bag and shook up. My reaction to my sons breakup hit me harder than I have thought it would and I couldn't handle it on my own, my mum has deteriorated very quickly, may be temporary due to infection but has got to the stage where we have to set something in motion for her to be assessed and make some really difficult decisions. I am comfort eating and have put on pounds, havn't been to any gym classes or the art group.

We have had good news about the new baby but then have been TOLD that we can look after the baby for 3 days and DIL mum can have baby for 2 days when DIL goes back to work. Of course we want to help all we can and we will but 3 days full time care is a bit daunting.

I have never ever used mumsnet, I had thought it was just for new mums but its been a Godsend and I am so grateful for all the help support and advice given, its helped me tremendously. Thank you everyone.

You are doing all the right things, love. You really are. I wouldn't spend too much time dwelling on how it can't have been the 'perfect partnership' either. Well, only in the sense that a partnership's made of two people and if one person either isn't happy or- what I personally think is more likely here- doesn't yet have the maturity to cope with a new crush or infatuation, it can't be perfect. It might be in the future, if he's honest with her and decides he's made the biggest mistake of his life, to use his own words. And if she's willing to try again, of course.

Alternatively, there will undoubtedly be a great relationship for him in the future, once he's learnt from his mistakes a bit more and realised that ending a committed relationship doesn't have to involve unkindness, dishonesty and cowardice.

You're not alone either in feeling that just as life seems to be going swimmingly, a butt kick appears. It's an age thing. All of my friends report similar, because the older you get the more likely it is that someone will get ill, or there'll be a death. Parenting is also being done at both ends of the food chain- the elderlies and the young adults who still have a habit of fucking up and thinking the world revolves around them! As you've seen, even happy news like a birth comes with strings attached! I'd tell son and DIL that you'd like to think over their proposal please, as you're not sure you want to take on that sort of commitment now.

What you said about thinking this site was only for new mums made me smile too. As someone with older kids, I rarely use it for parenting advice and although I'm sure it must be a godsend to new parents, there's a lot of me that's glad it wasn't around when I was an under-confident new mum. There's a lot of judgement of motherhood on here- and it seems to me, far less judgement of fatherhood or parenthood. I'm so glad that when I often took off for weekends of hotel sex with DH leaving the kids with grandparents or friends, I didn't have to read pages of 'I'd never leave my kids overnight' nonsense which only ever seems to be applied to mothers and not fathers who regularly take golfing holidays or business trips abroad.

Small mercies eh

I can relate to a lot of what you say about thinking lifes ok then it isnt.
I had to leave H after 30 yrs, visit mil every night in hospital with him for couple of months till she died, had my aunt die, day before her funeral mil died, day after her funeral dil ad prem baby, all in 3 months!! My dd has ulcerative colitis as well!!

One thing I would advise is don't have the baby! I've been there and done that and there is nothing so tiring and if you are not sure then tell them now that because of you H and work you won't be able to. Please don't get dragged into it. They want this baby and they have plenty of time to make other arrangements,

Sounds like a plan. I would be delighted to have the baby for half a day even a couple of times a week but its not just the lovliness of a new baby, they grow, get bigger and heavier need taking to playgroups, then school etc. I am hoping that she will stay at home with the baby, but they don't these days do they. I had to simply because I had 3 in very quick succession and couldn't have earned enough money to pay a childminder, also I had waited a long time to have children and I didn't want anyone else to bring them up. I was 34 when I had the first and 38 when I had the last. I don't want her to get the wrong idea though and keep the baby away from us.

Because I work from home people don't actually think I do any work and think they can call on me at any time.

My DH cousin left her H of 30 years last year just before christmas. She said she had never been happier as she was miserable in her marriage.

Hope your dd is managing her UC, my youngest has it as well and after a very bad flare up a few years ago it seems to have more or less settled down now, though he still has to see specialist for monitoring.

Neither us wanted to stay at home full-time when we had ours and we couldn't both work part-time given our professions and needed two incomes. But our joint decision was to pay for childcare out of our earnings. We didn't feel guilty then asking GPs or friends to babysit and our view was that our parents had done their share and needed to enjoy their retirements when they came, or to work before that.

So even though that was a few years ago now, it won't be an avant-garde suggestion to say to your son and DIL that neither of you fancy child-minding that much at this stage of your lives, but you might piss your DIL off if you give any impression this is her decision and not your son's too. Goes back to what I was saying earlier, this stuff is parental and not maternal.

She would probably want to stay at home but they say they need 2 incomes, which they probably do these days.

It wasn't practical for me to go back to work as 7 months after the first was born I was pregnant again, 7 months after the 2nd I was preganant again. I had had investigations as to why I wasn't conceiving after 4 years of trying the outcome being that it was unlikely I would ever conceive. At that point we decided to just enjoy our life and not go down the having children route. Imagine my surprise and utter joy at finding I was pregnant. We didn't take precautions before the 2nd as we thought it may take another 4 years and the 3rd pregnancy was us not being careful enough.

I couldn't earn enough even working full time to pay for childcare for 3 pre-school children so waited until they were at school then was really lucky enough to get a job at home that I could do when they were are school. I wouldn't have dreamt of asking my mum or sister to look after all three of them while I worked although they did do some babysitting so I could have some 'me' time now and again.

I can see there is going to have to be some conversation about the childcare with both of them but not just yet as its still very early days in the pregnancy. It was DIL that told us not asked us about the babysitting and I had the impression she hadn't discussed this with my son - didn't say anything to either of them at the time but I think I probably must have looked surprised.

Don't get me wrong we are absolutely delighted they are having a baby and that we are to be grandparents - and will do what we can to help , but just didn't expect to be such a major part in their childcare plans.

Its going to have to be handled carefully as she is the DIL who is a bit of a control freak, thats how she is and always has been since we have known her, a lovely woman, kind hearted, will do anything for her friends but likes her own way too.

Yes My dd manages her UC with meds although she had a lot of stress this last couple of years and had a couple of flare ups.
I now have healthy relationship with regards to having dgcs but at one time I was nearly in nervous breakdown because H thought I was evil and wicked if I said no!!(another thing I don't miss about him)
In the end I had to say I was too ill and now the last 3 have been with me when I can and when I want to then I enjoy it
DD and DIL have adjusted their expectations and their jobs!x

Oh its a minefield isn't it. We weren't expecting to be part of the childcare plan but we do want to be part of the grandchilds life and to enjoy having him/her, like you, when we can and enjoy it.

UC is a horrible condition, more so for a young person I think. My son was devasted when it looked at one time like he was going to have to have his bowel removed -he was in hospital at the time and was warned that this might happen if he didn't respond to the drugs. Fortunately he did at that time. DH developed it later in life and struggled with it and working a physical job for years but in the end he developed undiagnosed pneumonia, it was only diagnosed when his UC specialist admitted him after finding his pulse was too high during a routine consult. The drugs they gave him for the pneumonia made his UC worse and in the end non-responsive to drugs.

Osky - please listen to levenheath about the childminding. Especially if the mum is a " control freak " . Three days a week is a huge commitment. If you don't speak up now it will be assumed that you are happy to do it.

And if you do it for the first child, how will you refuse for the second? And if you child mind for your first son, will you do it for the others as well?

Kristina, oh my goodness! I hadn't thought that far in advance. I will wait until she is past the risky early stages, the baby isn't due until beginning of august. She is too full of exitment and morning sickness just now. In a way its nice she trusts the MIL [me]to look after the baby but as you say its a massive commitment at my age. As I said we are only too happy for the half day or couple of half days a week but 3 full days is a bit much.

I wouldn't commit to any time at the moment. Even 2 half days turns into whole days by the time you've done handovers and tidying!!!

I think a small piece if well placed advice or a question. You say he is kind - you've raised him this way yes? Then he needs to offer some sort of explanation to the now exGF. I think being completly silent is condoning this behaviour - one text?

You dont need to be pushy or interfering to remind your son of what is the right thing to do wrt the gf. He has made his choice which you have to respect but give him a nudge in doing the right thing re closure.

The above is influenced by splitting up with a exBF in horrible circumstances when I was 20. I hated him for years - I too kicked him out. Now I can see he was an immature wanker that didnt know any better really but I still think ill of his mother for 'allowing' her son to treat me like he did. My DM rang her and said she hope her daughter was never treated in the same way as her son had treated me.

I have also stayed very good friends with an exBF family and they have attended my wedding, and visit us and my DC's. We visit them too and sometimes exBF is there. I know someone else wh is still in touch with the mums of two of her ex's one a BF and one an exH. In time you may forge a new type of contact..