broken hearted

[oskybosky4]

I am a mum of 3 grown up sons and have just had a terrible shock, my middle son has just broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years and i love both my son and his GF like she is a daughter. I feel a terrible loss.

This has all come out of the blue he told me 2 weeks ago on the phone but I didn't speak to him again until this week when he came to visit, they live in another city. He told me that he is happier than he has been for the last 6 months but he doesn't look it, he looks exhausted and sad.

They had had a bit of a row and she told him to get out so he did, nowhere to go or anything and she fully expected him to go home later but when he didn't contact her she became very worried and tried to get hold of him but he wasn't answering he phone to anybody.

After speaking with my son it seems that he felt she was telling him what to wear etc, he couldn't go out after work, as she needed him to go and take the dog out. They both work in hospitality and work long shifts frequently at different times of the day. He said it got to the point where he didn't recognise himself anymore and felt trapped. They were planning to buy a house together

It transpires however that there is another young woman, a work colleague of his involved, 10 years younger than his GF and he says he can talk to her and has more in common with her. I and my husband think this is a case of 'the grass being greener' maybe he confided in her when he was feeling a bit down and she responded and flattered him and maybe he began to feel more dissatisfied becuase of this attention. immature I know but we all know it happens.

I sent his GF a birthday card and gift I had already bought her and a letter saying how sorry I was this had happened, nothing about this other girl though. She phoned me back yesterday in floods of tears, she is heartbroken, can't eat, sleep or function properly. She is in complete shock and doesn't know why he has left, her life has completely changed in a heartbeat. He won't speak to her he has just sent one text saying that he feels happier now and that he felt he wasn't himself anymore. She is in absolute bits after 4 years she deserves more than a text message.

He isn't heartless, he is a very kind and caring young man and this is so
out of character. He waited a full 12 months before she would go out with him and then I have never seen him happier I would have sworn they were made for each other, even a couple of weeks ago everything seemed fine they seemed like a loving couple.

I don't know what to do, I think I may have made a mistake writing to her but at the same time I wanted her to know how special she is to us, to the whole family. She doesn't have family in this country but does
have a good friend who rents a room in their house.

do I risk loosing my son by advising him that he should see her and at least talk to her even if there is no hope of reconcilliation or do I just keep well out of it and keep my grieve to myself do I contact his Gf again. I am 64 and thought I would know what to do but am at a complete loss.

I haven't read all this, but the bit you said about all being well in Scotland and him showing no signs, I was with completely abusive man and the only time I could say what I thought was in 'safe' company. Tis woman may also have shown him how controlling his relationship was by how free he felt with her,
You will never know the truth. I told my DM some of what my marriage was like but she would never have guessed,

Also you may want them to get back together but just think if she has been controlling and manipulating and that could even be a reason her last relationship broke up - if her bfs have just gone along with it she wouldn't even realise. Would you really want your son in an abusive relationship? Treat him as if hes just come out of one like that and don't go on about how bad you and she are feeling.

The son of a friend of mine broke up with his fiancee 2 weeks before the wedding. He'd been at a conference and met someone to whom he was hugely attracted. Nothing happened, but it made him realise that he shouldn't be getting married if he could feel like that about a complete stranger.

Naturally, it caused an enormous upset to both families and especially the jilted bride. But I think he was very brave. He is now v happily married to someone else, not the woman he met at the conference - he never saw her again.

OP I know it's hard, but it does seem to me as if you are too invested in this relationship and identifying too strongly with the gf. You seem to be casting the girl at work as the villain of the piece. Be careful with that. She could be your next dil.

well ladies, my son is here, the break up has barely been mentioned and not at all my me. I havn't been alone with him, apart from late last night but I sort of avoided having any conversation by going to bed. He did get a couple of gifts from his 'friend'.

He is still homeless, i.e. sleeping on the settees or spare bed of friends but says he is looking for a flat/house share but christmas isn't a good time for finding one.

I got the phone call from his GF on CDay and she just wished us all a happy christmas, I took the phone into another room in case she was very emotional again, she was on the verge, I could hear it in her voice and she thanked me for the support me and my DIL had given her but she didn't ask any questions and I didn't volunteer anything I knew either although.

When I went back to the others I said it as her on the phone and son just said oh I didn't wish her a happy christmas, [not sarcastically] which I thought was a bit odd considering he had left her. He gave me the impression that he would have spoken to her if I had handed him the phone.

I do feel for her and missed her yesterday but didn't say anything, apart from to my DH, who thinks son is upset too.

We have gifts for her from aunts and grandma and other son and DIL gave them a canvas portrait photo of their dog, already bought before the break up and DIL said she would still give it to him. The aunts and grandma still want her to have the presents.

Should I post them, ask him to take them or just return them.

I am only up now at 2.30 because I can't sleep I still feel so unhappy about them breaking up.

You are really over involved in this, they weren't married, there are no kids involved, people break up all the time! Really take a step back, no one knows the ins and outs of any relationship, perhaps she treated him terribly, perhaps not, but your son was obviously unhappy and you should support his decision.

I don't know the relationship between you and your son, but do Yoh really think you'd risk losing him if you advised him (unsolicited advice never a good idea) to meet with his ex? You're in a tricky situation as you don't want to abandon or lose his ex. Must be a v sad time for you. I doubt whether our DS will want to meet up or speak to her as his guilt will be a huge barrier to him doing so.

Listen to your son. He is a man so he won't react like the girl friend will. You will find more in common and understand the girl friend better but that's not really fair.

He is happier than he has ever been. That is the best CHristmas news you could get. Delight in it. He is free. Plenty of us are much happier single or not living with someone. Living together and married is not the only true path to happiness.

This girl told him to get out so he did what she said and now she's upset. Well more fool her. It sounds lke she just wants to control him and make his life a misery.

Leave the decision about her presents to your son.

You. Are. Too. Involved.

I agree with posters who are concerned about your anxiety and over-involvement. What do you think will happen if you just step back and do nothing.

I wonder how many posters have children your ds's age. Theory is all very well but doesn't necessarily incorporate emotions. There is no law against emotion, you just are very upset, which is very understandable imo. Perhaps if it had been an honest break, you wouldn't be quite as upset. Maybe you are reacting at a gut level?

Don't send the presents back, send them to her. It's going to get awkward though if you aren't telling her any details - the gap will get wider and wider. I don't envy you, this is a very awkward situation

Set yourself a time limit if you want to say anything , say I'll leave it for a month and see how I feel then. Get DIL to sort out the passing on of presents. Even if rhis is the best choice he had ever made there will still be some greif at the end of his relationship so don't read tooo much into his sadness. You have done well so far to stay out of it. Keep your resolve strong and maybe one day you can talk about it, but I think its one of those things best kept to yourselfxxx

Springysofa good point about some of us (and I include myself) not having experience of this from the OP's point of view. However, I still think our advice is good advice. What's the alternative? Spend more and more time dwelling on this, talking about this, taking the ex's side, berating her son until he either goes back to an unhappy relationship or distances himself from the OP?

ok, my son has been part of my life for 28 years, I love him and I actually do like him and we get on very well. His GF I met 3 years ago at youngest sons wedding and since then she has become a great friend and I genuinely like her very much.

It seems some people think I am too involved in all this. I really am not trying to be - I still have feelings and I still care about both of them. So thats why its affecting me so much - he has dropped a bombshell on her and the rest of the close family and friends are feeling the shock waves.

I do identify with her simply because the same thing happened to me, ok its over 45 years ago now but I can still remember what it felt like. I can also identify with him as I did a similar sort of thing and just up and left my first husband. I had left it too long with him and didn't talk about what was wrong and then it was too late.
My parents or MIL didn't offer any sort of advice and to be honest I went off the rails for a few months and I wish now that someone had stepped up and made me look at my life - it took a long conversation with a complete stranger from Denmark to make me come to my senses. The following day I met my husband of 33 years and I was simply first attracted to him because he resembled this man in looks.

None of this is relevant to my sons situation of course but I just wanted to say that I have had a life and experienced many emotions and I don't feel ashamed or guilty because I feel for his GF as well as him.

I came on here because I was properly heartbroken and in a dilemma and I have taken note of the advice and kept out of it since. I agree that if he had broken up with her more honestly, it wouldn't make it any better but at least it would help her move on - she doesn't understand what she had done wrong or why he wouldn't talk with her about it.

I had hoped that someone who had been in a similar situation or who could at least identify with the situation of grown up children and their partners breaking up would come on and several posters have helped me a lot and thank you so much for that.

I usually trust my own intuition to lead me the right way but this time I was just floored, more so because she was more than just my sons GF she was a friend to me as well.

Hi OP. I'm in the same position ad you and I'm heartbroken. I feel like my world has turned upside down. Your not over involved your just a good Mother who bloody cares. I have cried or this past week. My daughter got engaged last year and was getting married this year. Everything booked. They have been together 8 years and he is like a son to me. They loved and adored each other and she was so sure. She has now got cold feet and has pulled away from him and he doesn't know what he has done wrong. There is actually no one else involved. She is just freaking out. I feel so sad. Unless you have grown up kids I don't think you can know how this feels .

Your feelings are not reason to interfere. What do you actually want to achieve? What do you want your son to do?

Vivacia, I am not going to prolong this and have never berated anyone in my life, never had need to. If my son feels he has made the right decision for the right reason then so be it. If in a few weeks or months he feels he has made a mistake then its up to him to try to put it right.

I simply didn't know how to deal with my own feelings and of course I feel for her, she is a friend and how many people can just abandon or not feel for friends if you know they are heart broken.

I am concerned about him not having anywhere to live but he will sort this out himself. I just asked him if he wanted any washing doing before he goes back tomorrow, the answer = no its ok I'll do it when I get back to hers! a few words but it speaks volumes doesn't it.

Op I don't think you are too involved , . You sound like a wonderful person and a great mother. I hope you all get through this . Sending love and best wishes

you sound like a lovely person who genuinely felt caught between a rock and a hard place.

I do agree you need to let your son do the talking to her. I think to show your concern for her is admirable and heartfelt. if there were children involved I think you having a relationship with his girlfriend would be a very different matter. speaking as someone in a similar situation to your sons girlfriend I'm appreciating contact although small with his side of family but there are children involved.

wishing you well

Millychristmas, thank you for understanding, you sound like you are going through the same emotions as me - of course you alway want is best for your child whether they are 6 or 60 and yes you can't interfere in your adult kids lives but you never stop loving them or caring about them and worrying when things are a bit rough for them.

My sons have all gone through relationships before that havn't worked out but I have never been so upset as this time - before there have been signs, this time there was nothing.

Reading some of these posts back it seems as if this is all about how I feel in in some ways it is, because I couldn't handle my own feelings, the advice on here has stopped me from asking him questions or even how he is feeling now but its hard as I can usually talk to him about anything. Its her birthday today and I want to ring her and wish her happy birthday but it doesn't seem appropriate.

Yes I do want happiness for my son and if this is what he wants and its making him happy then good for him, I'm just not sure he's doing it for the reasons he has told us.

V - you ask what do I want my son to do - well tell his Gf the truth would be a start. I know he hasn't told her about the girl friend at work.

Really? Well, you could say to him, "you know, I think it'd be a good idea to tell your ex about your new friend from work because..." (and put why you think this is a good thing to do. But just say it the once?

He doesn't have to tell his EX because you keep calling her his girlfriend. He's left.. he's not putting on you and all you can do is support his choices.

He may have ran screaming from a relationship that become intolerable.. you just don't know.

I do hope that you can step back enough to welcome his new girlfriend if it develops to that point.

When I read the thread title I assumed your relationship had ended on Christmas Day or something. It is sad when relationships of a family member end but your son says he is happy. You seem to be feeling more for her personally than for your son or the future of their relationship which is unusual. That is not to criticise you but I am trying to understand it. Support your son. She will have to find support elsewhere.

OP, I would definitely send her a message by text to wish her a Happy Birthday. She has been your friend for years and even though your son is not seeing her anymore your friendship doesn't just stop, does it?
My daughter has given me her blessing to answer her fiancé when he talks to me as he has been like a son and I cant just switch that off as I care for him. But, my daughter and her happiness obviously comes first and I am there for her and support her and guide her if she needs me. She is in pain in her own way and I am in pain too.

OP, I do know how you feel because I have two adult children who are in relationships and neither of them are making choices that we agree with. But it's their lives and we have to let them both get on with it.

You might think that your sons gf is perfect for him, but consider this. How will you feel if you push them to reconcile, they marry, have a couple of kids and them he walks out on her again?

Or he he becomes depressed because his marriage is so unhappy but he feels he can't leave because of the kids?

Do you want to feel responsible for the this?

One of our children married earlier this year, to a person we disliked very much. The marriage only lasted a few months and was a complete and utter disaster. But they wouldn't have listened to us if we had told them.

You must let them make their own choices and not interfere. By all means , if you are asked, give your opinion, tactfully and sensitively. But otherwise stay out of it

KristinaM. Thank you for your post. Im struggling with my feelings with my daughter and her fiancé and cant sleep. But you have reminded me that as much as I love her fiancé and have been very close to him I was not entirely happy that they were getting married.

Milly, I'm sorry to hear this is upsetting you so much :-(