broken hearted

[oskybosky4]

I am a mum of 3 grown up sons and have just had a terrible shock, my middle son has just broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years and i love both my son and his GF like she is a daughter. I feel a terrible loss.

This has all come out of the blue he told me 2 weeks ago on the phone but I didn't speak to him again until this week when he came to visit, they live in another city. He told me that he is happier than he has been for the last 6 months but he doesn't look it, he looks exhausted and sad.

They had had a bit of a row and she told him to get out so he did, nowhere to go or anything and she fully expected him to go home later but when he didn't contact her she became very worried and tried to get hold of him but he wasn't answering he phone to anybody.

After speaking with my son it seems that he felt she was telling him what to wear etc, he couldn't go out after work, as she needed him to go and take the dog out. They both work in hospitality and work long shifts frequently at different times of the day. He said it got to the point where he didn't recognise himself anymore and felt trapped. They were planning to buy a house together

It transpires however that there is another young woman, a work colleague of his involved, 10 years younger than his GF and he says he can talk to her and has more in common with her. I and my husband think this is a case of 'the grass being greener' maybe he confided in her when he was feeling a bit down and she responded and flattered him and maybe he began to feel more dissatisfied becuase of this attention. immature I know but we all know it happens.

I sent his GF a birthday card and gift I had already bought her and a letter saying how sorry I was this had happened, nothing about this other girl though. She phoned me back yesterday in floods of tears, she is heartbroken, can't eat, sleep or function properly. She is in complete shock and doesn't know why he has left, her life has completely changed in a heartbeat. He won't speak to her he has just sent one text saying that he feels happier now and that he felt he wasn't himself anymore. She is in absolute bits after 4 years she deserves more than a text message.

He isn't heartless, he is a very kind and caring young man and this is so
out of character. He waited a full 12 months before she would go out with him and then I have never seen him happier I would have sworn they were made for each other, even a couple of weeks ago everything seemed fine they seemed like a loving couple.

I don't know what to do, I think I may have made a mistake writing to her but at the same time I wanted her to know how special she is to us, to the whole family. She doesn't have family in this country but does
have a good friend who rents a room in their house.

do I risk loosing my son by advising him that he should see her and at least talk to her even if there is no hope of reconcilliation or do I just keep well out of it and keep my grieve to myself do I contact his Gf again. I am 64 and thought I would know what to do but am at a complete loss.

Yes you're upset because you think your son is making a bad choice, but I think also because she IS your friend and you want to help her feel better and are grieving the loss of friendship (and I don't think you should. he broke up with her, you didn't. Just like if she was just a friend you had met through him you wouldn't stop being their friend when he did).

So personally I would do this. Let your son know that you respect his choice in regards to his relationship but that you really like ExGF and you are going to try and remain friends with her. Tell him you will not discuss her with him and vice-versa but that you felt you had a relationship OUTSIDE of their relationship and want to continue it.

Do not talk to him about his relationship. Don't talk to her about it either except to offer support when she's feeling down and offer your condolences and then move on with continuing your friendship with her... if she wants it.

But Leavenhealth we don't really know who treated who badly here, we can't know and nor can the OP. Didn't the gf tell him to leave? And of course everyone should be treated with consideration during a break up, but break ups are usually messy. And when no kids are involved, only two people should be involved, the son and the gf, it really shouldn't be anyone else's concern. Yes it's ok for the op to feel sad, even think he is doing the wrong thing, but it is not her life, her relationship, or her business to get involved.

And I would have hated my mum to have stayed pals with any of my exes, or to have got involved in my decisions regarding splitting up, this man is almost 30 iirc after all, not a kid,

So personally I would do this. Let your son know that you respect his choice in regards to his relationship but that you really like ExGF and you are going to try and remain friends with her. Tell him you will not discuss her with him and vice-versa but that you felt you had a relationship OUTSIDE of their relationship and want to continue it.

But the OP didn't have a relationship outside of her son's relationship did she? Not really. She met this girl because her son was dating her. That's all. When I think of some of the people I dated, I would have been absolutely furious if my mum tried to stay friends with them after we finished. That really is not fair.

They weren't 'dating', they lived together for years.

I think the OP has said that she loved this girl like a daughter - and that they were good friends. Two things, both hard to cut off, especially the former.

And the op was only looking for support with regard to her strong feelings of sadness and didn't know how to deal with those feelings. She has had some great advise and has moved on. See her last post

Well, its seems this is provoking quite a lot of comment. If my posts are too long and rambling Levenheath has got it completely and has summed up accurately.

I came on here because I had no one to talk to who had been in a similar position and I was hoping for some advice from someone with grown up children who maybe had been in this position. I felt truly at a loss about how why this break up had hit me so hard and how to deal with the extremely sad emotions I was feeling.

There are no sides in this, they are both people who I love and like. Yes I would never have met her if she had not been going out with my son but that doesn't mean that just because she is no longer with him that I can suddenly stop my fond feelings for her or for that matter caring about her in the immediate future.

She is a genuinely nice person, a hard worker, kind and generous there was nothing for me not to like. How many MIL or potential MIL's say that. Of course I am going to feel for her. I do think he ended it badly and she could probably accept it quicker if he told her himself there was this other girl involved too. I was in a dilemma whether to say this to him or not. I didn't in the end.

Maybe in the next few weeks I will, I don't know yet.

As for getting too involved or interferring - I have not.

I have moved on now.

It does still sadden me to think it didn't work out.

I have taken notice of the very helpful and sensible advice I have had from some people on here.

I am not naive, I know relationships don't work out. I also know how some women enjoy the challenge of a man who is with someone else. And this girl did know about his gf. I have worked in enough mixed sex environments to see this happen many times and never with a good permanent outcome.

It maybe that he has done the right thing for him, he certainly appears to think so at the moment. On the other hand, in is own words 'I may be making the biggest mistake of my life' - Its up to him.

We havn't fallen out, we aren't going to fall out. I asked him if I should post her the gift I had bought for her, he said if I wanted to then send it. So he knew about that before I sent it.

It is a very very hard position to find yourself in and at least one other person on here is going through exactly the same thing as me now.

I am very surprised that some people think I should be entirely ambivalent about his ex gf - we have spent a lot of time with her she became part of the family, parties, holidays, special occasions and just plain ordinary visits. If I like and respect her then of course I am going to care about her. I am not putting her before my son.

Sorry this was so long - it baffles me that some people are so ready to take sides and slag her off as a control freak or me off as in interferring busybody. Neither of which are true.

I really do have bigger issues to think about, my 96 year old mum was seeing a man under her bed yesterday. Real to her but totally in her head.

Before anyone jumps in and castigates me for putting all the blame on the the girl at work - I don't - I don't know her. She could well be a lovely person as well. all I was meaning that 'some' women and men for that matter enjoy the challenge of the chase and conquest and then move on to the next one, it doesn't matter if the person is married, in a relationship or single. He had no need to respond I know that, but as we all know and has levenheath has put it so aptly 'shiny new baubles make the familiar ones look old and jaded'

OSKY. When I first read your post I was worried that you wanted to interfere and try and get them back together. It is very clear that isn't what you want now, so i hope posting here has helped you.
I am sorry that you are also struggling with the health of your DM. Life can be more than confusing at times can't itxxx
Hope you enjoy your grandchild. I have 5 and they are all the most wonderful people.xxxxx

cjel, thanks for your message. I won't lie, I secretly hoped they would get back together, but had I no intention of trying to get them back together. Posting here has definitely helped. If I had had someone to talk to who would understand it would have been different, I didn't so thanks everyone on here.

Caring for your very elderly parent is quite emotionally draining at times, half the time she doesn't even know who I am until I have been there for some time. But thats a completely different topic.

Its very early days just yet but we are hoping and praying the pregnancy is successful and can't wait to meet this new little person.

I think you need to keep well out of it. I left a boyfriend for the man who is now my DH and my family were gutted- everyone loved my boyfriend and thought he was marvellous but alas, I didn't really but the fact that my parents, sister and grandparents loved him probably contributed to my staying with him longer than I should and then moving in with him.

When I left everyone was gutted but my parents wisely stayed out of it. They were kind to him when he came to drop stuff off etc but otherwise didn't show their upset. My nan on the other hand- who is an interfering old cow at the best of times- made a huge fuss, wrote him a heartfelt letter etc and all that did was cause resentment on my side and the side d my now DH. At the end of the day however little you approve your son will remain your son always and this new girl may end up your new daughter in law at some point. Your loyalty has to be with your son whatever you think of his decision.

And a pound to a penny you will probably forget about your sons ex pretty quickly. When I split with my ex my dad was doing the whole "he was a son to me" bit (he is a bit dramatic!) and now he says "oh I never much liked him" with a straight face and dotes on my DH.

Good luck love and glad this thread has helped. I completely get where you're coming from and would I'm sure feel exactly the same as you. I want you to hang on to the positives in this, especially as you're caring for your mum right now.

It's a really good thing that you've developed such close relationships with your children and their partners and it speaks volumes that this young woman trusted you enough to cry on your shoulder. Maybe some folk are projecting their own mum/mil experiences on to this thread and haven't had good experiences with partners' relatives or their own, but a few of us recognise that the flipside of getting close and attached to these 'bonus young people' who we welcome into our families is that the loss is greater for them and us when relationships end.

But I'm sure you wouldn't have it any other way and the rewards always outweigh the occasional sadnesses and disappointments when they leave our lives. My view is that our own lives are better for even the brief time they are in them and so we can't regret those welcomes and strong attachments and in any case, we couldn't be any other way with the people our children love.

IME, most kids prefer mums like you than ones who are disinterested and only try to form relationships with in-laws once it looks like they are sticking around and have produced grandchildren.

Don't change.

Thank you Levenheath you have been an enormous help and really did get where I was coming from. You are very wise.

I love the relationship I have with my sons now, it wasn't so easy in the teenage years as I was more of a referee half the time - they are very close in age! - developing testosterone! Now they are all older they get along very well and are close for brothers.

The eldest and dil have gone back to the Highlands today and its great to have the house back again, the dog is ecstatic he has room to move around again. It always fabulous to see them and spend time with them, but its also nice to get back to normal again and catch up with all the tv we missed.

I don't think I would have kept my mouth shut about the way he ended it tbh.

I'm also suspicious that you have 'moved on' so soon ie suspicious that the castigating you got on here has perhaps prompted you to bury your hurt and grief. I hope not. I didn't read into your OP that you were planning to get them back together - honestly, some people do read an awful lot more into things than are said - just that you were very hurt. Which is understandable imo. As leavenheath says, it is a Good Thing that you have such good relationships with potential ILs.

(just as an NB: my nephew broke up with his LT girlf and we were all devastated - even me, and I wasn't that involved really. My sister, who was in the middle of a knitting jag, knitted the exgf a cardigan for her birthday which was soon after the split. A lot of love went into it and it was received in that spirit, as a token of love. Nothing creepy about it. The poor girl's heart was broken and it was considerably soothing to her to know that she had not been rejected in total by everyone.)

springysofa, thanks for your message. Maybe when I say I have moved on then what I mean is that its not constantly on my mind like it was before christmas. I guess being so busy with house guests and the recent problems with my mum [which have been emotionally draining] has sort of pushed it to the back like you say. In other words I havn't had time to think. I havn't forgotten about her and do want to know she is ok - well as ok as she can be just now and I also wanted her to know how sorry we all are. Which she does now.

He will probably phone on NY day if not I will ring him and ask how things are. I think my eldest or my DH has told him how upset I was with him that he finished it by text and couldn't bring himself to see her face to face or tell her about the other girl.

She may well know about this now, a friend of hers works at the same place that he does and although he says they were keeping their friendship low key you can't hide it forever. This is of course the easy way out for him.

I am sure he feels some guilt and knows that he has been a complete a* the way he has gone about it.

Talking about complete a*'s I have just had a little spat with my DH over the tv remote, his third hand - he likes to control what we watch on tv and if I put anything on he hasn't 'planned' to watch he goes into a complete sulk. I have told him I have had enough of this now. I just can't cope with it anymore so he hands me the remote and says do I plan to be up until 11 - knowing full well I won't be - so I give up and thats why I'm on here now.

I don't normally let him get away with it but have had enough upset to last me all year. He is what you might call passive aggressive. Can normally cope with this but not now.

Ah now, that's a fresh thread... It's a bit like a doctor's surgery in here: one item at a time!

(I didn't quite get the 'up until 11' thing btw. You posted at 11!)

(and I can't help noticing that if his dad is an arse, it's not surprising your son can be too... Kids copy what they see...)

Fresh thread OP - we'll follow you!

Sorry I didn't mean to complain about DH I had just had enough for one day - mum still seeing men in the house and my sister found her up the garden path in just a nightie yesterday morn. and the tv thing was the last straw - got over it now.

The 11 thing - I wouldn't normally watch tv until 11 - the programme I put on finished at 11. I didn't notice the time when I was on here.

DH really isn't that bad - its just the tv thing - its almost a running joke in the family. Only sometimes I don't find it funny like last night.

I told him properly what I thought before going to bed and said I'm not putting up with it anymore - no more about him now - I promise.

I said start a fresh thread because it's a legitimate gripe imo. Nothing wrong with complaining - complain away.

oskybosky4, firstly I will apologise as I haven't read the entire thread. Just wanted to say that I have been in a similar position to you.

My DS 23 split up with his GF of 4 years last July. She initiated the break up. DS was devastated - I even felt it necessary to check he was still breathing every morning for weeks afterwards. I loved his gf very much, she became part of our family and was included in family events, including visiting relatives living long distances away. Since July, they have occasionally met up and have tried to remain friends but it is not helping my DS to move on. Then in October, she decided she missed him and asked to get back together, which they did (briefly). She then changed her mind and dumped him once again. Obviously there are ishooos between them, but I have stayed out of it. I have never commented on it or judged his or her behaviour. They are adults and it is up to them. All the family are upset but we have to carry on supporting DS and letting him decide if, or whether, we stay in touch with his ex GF If they decide to get back together, I will be delighted, if not, well that's not my choice to make. I miss her but I have to respect that staying in touch with her is not fair to DS or any future GFs he has. My DS and his ex-GF both attended a work Christmas party a few weeks ago (they work for the same company), and his ex-GF apparently was crying and screaming with anger because DS was dancing with other girls he works with. I don't know what that's all about but surely, if two people are not together, then it is ok to flirt and dance with other people. DS says he was not trying to upset her, but he wanted to enjoy the party and needs to put her in the past. It would seem that his ex-GF doesn't want him but doesn't want anyone else to have him.

I don't have any advice for you oskybosky, other than you have to let your DS make his own decisions and his own mistakes, if nothing else it will be a life experience with lessons learned.

Thank you Spickle - its so hard isn't it. I am sure he is OK, its what he wants but I also know ex is devastated and shocked. She may have moved on a bit now, I suppose everyday it gets a little easier. But just as you were worried about your son I am worried about her - I know a lot of people on here think this is unreasonable and disloyal to my son but she is a real person with real feelings too. If it were the other way round and she had dumped him and he was as devestated as she is I would be wanting to know he was alive every day too, like you.

I havn't spoken to her since CD when she rang to wish us all a happy christmas and thanking me and DIL for caring.

I have no intention of interfering or trying to get them back together, like you I would be delighted if they did but as you say thats got to be up to them.

You son must be in a right state, not knowing whether he is coming or going - maybe at the party she was drunk and created a scene because she could see he was moving on and she didn't like it. All you can do is be there for him and love him.

I wish him luck and hope he finds someone who appreciates him and loves him.

Thank you oskybosky4 for your kind words. Likewise, I hope in a little while, things will settle with your son's ex GF and you are able either remain or not remain in contact with her, without any bad feeling on either side.

If it helps, my OH's mother and father are still in contact with OH's ex GF to the point where they meet up from time to time and attend shows together. I did find it very unsettling at first, a feeling of me not being "quite" good enough for his parents, but now I have accepted that their friendship with ex GF is not harming my relationship with OH and he is happy that his ex wasn't abandoned by his parents just because he and ex GF didn't work out. OH says his ex is a lovely lady, just not the "one" for him.

Had 3 phone calls in last half hour, DIL, SIL and eldest son. DS exgf has posted the text message he sent on her on facebook.

With a message - is this the way to treat gf of 4 years.

I don't have facebook and don't want facebook and don't want to know what they all post on facebook. And I don't want them ringing up and telling me either.

I don't know why she did it, I suppose it gets it 'out there' if she is fed up of people asking her about the break up.

Sorry don't really know why I posted the above, just needed to get off my chest I suppose - they all know what I think about facebook so why tell me?

I feel for you Oskybosky.

I was like that gf about 15 yrs ago ( I was young and we were totally happy in love). I loved his family, they lived close by, especially loved his mother who was so full of joy and hugs and always had time to chat to me. We went to various classes together and had fun.

We were together over 2 yrs and then he dumped me in a letter ( he was in the forces and away). I can remember going to his mother's home sobbing my eyes out holding out the letter. He'd phoned to tell/warn her that same day I got my letter.

Turned out there was another girl. He loved being in love and lived in a love bubble ( but that is with hindsight and knowing what's happened to him since).

I found it hard to lose his family as well as him. Really painful. I did used to see his mum sometimes for coffee but we had to stop as it was too painful for me and divided her loyalties.

I still miss his family but it's his family. His mother knew he was a hopeless romantic and breaking hearts but it was her boy.

That thing about time being a great healer is true. I would ignore her texts. I think you need time to miss her and you'll all move along.