broken hearted

[oskybosky4]

I am a mum of 3 grown up sons and have just had a terrible shock, my middle son has just broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years and i love both my son and his GF like she is a daughter. I feel a terrible loss.

This has all come out of the blue he told me 2 weeks ago on the phone but I didn't speak to him again until this week when he came to visit, they live in another city. He told me that he is happier than he has been for the last 6 months but he doesn't look it, he looks exhausted and sad.

They had had a bit of a row and she told him to get out so he did, nowhere to go or anything and she fully expected him to go home later but when he didn't contact her she became very worried and tried to get hold of him but he wasn't answering he phone to anybody.

After speaking with my son it seems that he felt she was telling him what to wear etc, he couldn't go out after work, as she needed him to go and take the dog out. They both work in hospitality and work long shifts frequently at different times of the day. He said it got to the point where he didn't recognise himself anymore and felt trapped. They were planning to buy a house together

It transpires however that there is another young woman, a work colleague of his involved, 10 years younger than his GF and he says he can talk to her and has more in common with her. I and my husband think this is a case of 'the grass being greener' maybe he confided in her when he was feeling a bit down and she responded and flattered him and maybe he began to feel more dissatisfied becuase of this attention. immature I know but we all know it happens.

I sent his GF a birthday card and gift I had already bought her and a letter saying how sorry I was this had happened, nothing about this other girl though. She phoned me back yesterday in floods of tears, she is heartbroken, can't eat, sleep or function properly. She is in complete shock and doesn't know why he has left, her life has completely changed in a heartbeat. He won't speak to her he has just sent one text saying that he feels happier now and that he felt he wasn't himself anymore. She is in absolute bits after 4 years she deserves more than a text message.

He isn't heartless, he is a very kind and caring young man and this is so
out of character. He waited a full 12 months before she would go out with him and then I have never seen him happier I would have sworn they were made for each other, even a couple of weeks ago everything seemed fine they seemed like a loving couple.

I don't know what to do, I think I may have made a mistake writing to her but at the same time I wanted her to know how special she is to us, to the whole family. She doesn't have family in this country but does
have a good friend who rents a room in their house.

do I risk loosing my son by advising him that he should see her and at least talk to her even if there is no hope of reconcilliation or do I just keep well out of it and keep my grieve to myself do I contact his Gf again. I am 64 and thought I would know what to do but am at a complete loss.

Thankyou

I just can't work out why you are so over invested in this situation. And before you say otherwise, yes I have been in your position and I am sat here looking at a Christmas card from the ex of one of my DC's after their relationship broke up a couple of months ago. The card thanks me for the welcome into our family and it is so warm and nice and puts into words how much that welcome was appreciated. We have all been on holiday together etc, the relationship lasted 3 years.

HOWEVER, it is nothing to do with me and I will not poke my nose in to what is their business. I will pleasantly acknowledge the kind words in the christmas card but I do NOT want to get involved. I just find it strange that you say this girl is 'a friend'. No she isn't. She is the ex girlfriend of your son. You may well have really liked her and that's great but there is a distance to be kept here... all they were doing was going out together, they weren't married, they didn't have kids. It's a shame my DC's relationship has finished, there will be reasons, but my priority is supporting my DC, not her ex. You only knew her 3-4 years and relationships come and go and the trouble is the more a mother gets involved in a child's relationship, the less likely they are to tell you things. My DC's know I am there for them but I try very hard not to be totally immersed in their relationships for the exact reason you are posting.

The OP is feeling the way she does because she actually was friendly with the ex girlfriend. It does happen when kids boyfriends and girlfriends, fiancée and fiancés spend a lot of time at your house and you are in their company and you genuinely care for them and form a relationship of your own. They do become part of the family when they have been together for a long time so I think it is perfectly natural to feel a sense of sadness and loss when their relationship ends.

I can't see anything wrong with currently staying in touch with her. You'll probably find in time that contact will drop from both sides. I think you feel guilty because you suspect their relationship broke up because of this other woman. If so at least he did the right thing and wasn't playing the 2 of them. Just let time take its course and see what happens. Fwiw my husband split with me for a couple of months when we were bf &gf after being together for 3 years, we got back together and I think he was questioning if we had durability, fast forward 20 years and it's me considering the break but children and family issues prevent this. I remember being desperately upset at losing contact with his family so empathise with your sons ex.

She's not your daughter. He's your son. Butt out

Rude!!

She is just bleating on "I love her like a daughters. Well she bloody isn't. Christ the thought of my mother involving herself in basically my sex life makes me heave

Milly Christmas... of course you feel a sense of loss especially if you really like the ex girlfriend and you can see them fitting into your family forever. I felt the same about my DC's ex and it was the first one that I could actually imagine being part of our family for good. However, it wasn't meant to be and I have to accept that it's an ex and never will be part of our family.
I think it would be totally out of order to keep in touch... haven't we seen threads on here when a marriage has broken up and someone's mother insists on taking sides with the exH? Unless the OP's son treated his ex GF appallingly (PA or DV) it will seem like a sense of betrayal if his Mum is actively seeking a relationship with his ex GF. It was only 4 years after all! My DC felt that this Christmas Card with the long message that arrived here was a manipulative move on behalf of her ex, and I respect what she feels.

all you can do is support his choices

Really? What, always? Not necessarily. imo it is blind to blindly support your children's choices. For goodness sake, people make crap choices sometimes, you don't just blindly support whatever choices your children make. You support them but not necessarily their choices.

I had a sharp word with my boy at one point when he was very rude, in public, to a girl he had broken up with. He may not have wanted to be with her but it didn't give him carte blanche to treat her like shit. If my boy had abandoned a relationship in the way OP's boy has abandoned his, I'd have a sharp word with him too. Accountability: if he doesn't want to be with her then fine (even if it hurts everybody else, that's besides the point) but do it properly, with respect.

Nobody knows what went in between them. Keep out of your kids love life and don't poke your nose where it isn't wanted... being rude is one thing..just breaking up with somebody as this dude has is another.

Do wish her a happy birthday OP - I agree that the relationship between you could fizzle out eventually (if the split is permanent) but it will help her to know you still love her and care, particularly as she is really going through it at the moment.

I would never blindly support my DC's choices as sometimes they just need telling if I think they are wrong. However, the OP's son has put over very eloquently how he felt his life wasn't his own, he was changing and losing himself because of his gf and her control over him and he now feels reborn. Maybe it's a load of bunkum he is saying to justify his actions. On the other hand, maybe it isn't. I just think you (meaning anyone) has to take a step back when it comes to affairs of the heart and DC's.

It's very touching that she feels she can talk to you, and I'm not surprised she is as she probably hopes you'll have some kind of answer. I agree with others that this relationship will fizzle out, but you shouldn't feel you have to cut her off because your son has.

I think there's no harm in telling your son that he needs to break up with people in a better way. It's very unlikely you'd lose him for correcting his poor etiquette. After four years she deserves an explanation, not a text message. I imagine he is embarrassed to talk to both of you because he's leaving for another woman.

My feeling is that if the advice on this thread has caused you to act any differently as a mother to your son, stop acting in a way that is inauthentic and is unusual in the relationship you have with him.

Parenting doesn't stop when our children become adults. It's still important to praise them for treating people well and to comment if they don't.

Your son was living with his girlfriend. She was his partner. Their situation was just like hundreds of mumsnetters.

It doesn't matter that they weren't married. It doesn't matter that they have no children.

They were in a committed relationship.

He kept staying out till the early hours without telling her where he was and he engineered a row to get himself kicked out.

He then failed to answer his phone or speak to her.

He's in a relationship with an OW and was before he left.

That's a really crap way to treat someone and you're right that it's harder for both her and the rest of the family because it's such a shock. You know now he didn't talk to her about any 'problems' and he didn't talk to you or anyone else in the family either.

I believe you when you say they looked happy before he met this colleague. You're his mum and if you've always had a close relationship, I believe you when you say you'd have known if he was faking and covering up unhappiness.

Lots of mother/children relationships really are that close and we can often tell how a child is feeling sometimes before they know it themselves.

I understand why you're upset. If it was me, yes I'd be sorry for the girlfriend's shock and pain, but a part of me would also be feeling sorry that despite bringing him up to treat people with dignity and respect, he'd behaved this badly.

I think you've had some odd responses on this thread, quite unlike those that the girlfriend would have had if she'd posted what had happened.

My advice to you remains the same. Try to maintain the close relationship you've always had and behave authentically with him. Trying to be a different sort of mum with a different sort of mother/son relationship might drive more of a wedge than you might think.

I think There is a difference between encouraging your adult child to behave decently and responsibly ( eg not cheating ) and telling them

" you must go out with /break it off with/stay with this person because they are the right/wrong person for you "

Surely all of us who are old enough to have adult children are also old enough to know that no one really knows what goes on inside a relationship except the people in it. So unless it something clear cut, such as DV or abuse, I think it's wise to keep your opinions to yourself, unless asked.

Yes. Massive difference.

I've always advised my kids that they've got the right to end a relationship that's no longer working for them and they don't need to give anyone else their reasons for it. I've also said though that just because they don't want a partner any longer, that person deserves to be treated with respect and dignity.

Overlap relationships, storming out and ignoring thereafter are really not necessary factors in a relationship ending.

This isn't so much about a relationship ending as the manner in which it did.

Crime: not got time to read the whole thread!
And I'm sure I won't be the only one who's said this but...
we think this girl encouraged him

Can you please STOP with the woman-blaming here?
If your son has cheated, it is his fault - I don't care if this new woman stripped to her sexiest pants and danced round him at work. He had a choice.

Of course, he may not have cheated. Or he may have done and new woman is the love of his life. But let's not blame her, when he was in a relationship.

Yep, that's been said already Cabrinha. Though I didn't say the other woman was blameless because she's not, unless he lied to her about being single and living alone.

But no way is she more to blame than him and I don't think the OP really thinks that.

Leavenheath, you have summed it all up exactly. He knows I think he ended it badly and possibly for the wrong reasons ie he was looking for the slightest exuse. I thank you for this.

We got a postcard this morning sent 5 weeks ago by my son telling us how they were having a really fantastic time on holiday. He had no need to say that. He wrote it.

I had a quiet word last night and just asked him if he really was happier now, he just said yes he was and didn't I think he was, I just said I wasn't too sure and he replied that he was very very happy and not to worry. I asked him to keep in touch and let us know when he got a new address. That was it. He gave me a hug and a kiss as he always does when he leaves.

I didn't see him this morning, he left at 6am - distance to travel and starting work at 9am - the presents for his gf were gone and the portrait of their dog. I certainly didn't ask him to take them, he knew from the givers that they still wanted gf to have them as they were chosen with her in mind. He must be intending to give them to her or pass them on through a mutual friend. He could have just left them behind no one would have said anything.

We have had a lovely time together as a family this christmas, our relationship and his relationship with the immediate family is just as it always is.

For those posters who think I am somehow obsessed with my sons sex life and their lives in general you couldn't be more wrong. I have more than enough going on in my life, my own business, my 96 year old mother who I have to see to 4 times a day, a chronic illness and my husband isn't well either. I don't need to know what my adult kids are up to 24/7. They do tell me when they want me to know things and I don't have to ask them questions they make entirely their own decisions. If they do want my input they ask.

Why I came on here is simply because it was such a shock, so unexpected, that I didn't know how to deal with the fact that I was so upset and when he told me about the girl 'friend' at work I suspected that the reasons he gave about 'not feeling he was himself' might not be strictly the truth. He dropped a bombshell and only he was prepared for it. His gf or should I say ex gf is heartbroken, she is a nice person, yes she may have told him what she expects or wanted him to do, but we all do that to our partners sometimes if we are honest.

She needs to know the truth from him I am still convinced of that. They had a relationship, they have a joint account that they were saving for a deposit with, both their names are on all the bills, rent book etc. They were living together and she thought they were planning a future together.

And no, I do not tell him what to do, I would have advised him that it would be better to see her face to face or at least talk to her on the phone, she should not be entirely blaming herself and wondering why he wouldn't talk to her. But I didn't.

all the ladies that seem to be blaming her as a control freak, well frankly I can't understand why they should say that - they don't know her - I do. It would have been very hard to cover this up for the past 3 years and for me not to suspect. one of my other DIL's is a bit of a control freak and its very plain to see but my son handles it very well, he just lets her go on and then puts a stop to it when its getting to much. Its just her nature and he knew this when they married.

Some ladies on here have helped me very much and I appreciate that, I just really wanted to know what other people in the same situation would do if they had the strong emotions I was feeling. I have had my questions answered - I have gone against my instinct to ask him to go and see her face to face - I do know that relationships end for all sorts of reasons, from my own experience if nothing else.

On a more joyous note, by youngest told me last night they he is going to be dad and he and DIL are very excited about it. First much wanted child for them and first grandchild for us.

Congratulations on your good news GrannyOsky

I'm sorry about your other news though, it is sad when things like this happen and you are close to the other person :(

If it were me, I would be having words with DS along the lines of 'You were brought up better than to treat someone like this, I assume you are having an affair with young-thing and you owe ex-gf more than that. The very very least you owe her now is a full, face to face, explanation and apology'.

He might normally be lovely, kind yadda yadda, but right now he's acting like a complete shit and if his Mum or Dad can't tell him that - who can?

Oh congratulations on the lovely grandchild news! How exciting

Mumsnet is weird sometimes.

If his GF had posted My DP of 3 years stormed out of our home after a row which only happened because he'd been behaving strangely recently and not coming home till 7a.m without letting me know. He hasn't contacted me since and he's telling his family the relationship is over

there would be lots of posts about cherchez la femme, what does his family know and think? poor you, how awful that he gave you no explanation etc.

All you can hope for is that he finally has the courage to see his ex and talk to her. She deserves that much, though I doubt he'll mention the other young woman.

If she's a bright woman with good friends, I'm sure someone will have suggested there's someone else though.

I'd remain on friendly terms with both of them, cos it wouldn't surprise me if he soon tires of a 21 year old who doesn't have the life experience and maturity of his ex- and tries to get back with her at some point. If that happens, she will remember your kindness and decency now and even if they are never a couple again, it's a good thing that you've treated her with love and concern.

Oskybosky4 I just wanted to tell you that I am still in touch with my ex boyfriends mum, 15 years since we broke up. We developed a strong friendship whilst I was with her son, and I didn't want to lose that completely. She was like a mother to me. It was nothing to do with her wanting to be involved in her son's life, it was about our friendship.

I think it's totally possible to continue to be friends in this situation (obviously depends on your son's feelings too). We had an amicable breakup, and I do see her son, my ex, too.

I think you sound lovely and thoughtful, and I hope you have a good 2014.

Osky wonderful news on your grandchild to be. Im so glad you did write this thread as it has helped me enormously as as you know, I am in the same position as you and have been so very upset over it all. Reading the "helpful" posts on here has made me see that although im grieving for the potential loss of a son in law who was like another son to me, it is my daughter who needs my support.

So again, thankyou for your thread and good luck.

Leavenhealth if his girlfriend had posted I agree that that is the response she would have got, and it would have been good advice, but this is the boyfriends mum, who really doesn't have the whole story ( no one outside the relationship does). And it's really, really not her concern, her son was unhappy and left, which was obviously the right thing for him to do. Of course she can feel sadness and empathy for the ex, but beyond that she shouldn't get involved, they weren't married and there are no kids after all. She can even be a bit pissed off if she thinks her son treated his ex badly, but she won't have all the facts so shouldn't get involved. Her son is a grown man after all.

I don't get this 'they weren't married and there were no kids' thing.

Being married and having kids doesn't entitle you to better treatment from a partner when a relationship ends, does it?

And being unmarried and childless doesn't mean that you're fair game to be treated badly when a relationship ends, does it?

I don't think the OP is pissed off because this relationship has ended and I don't get the sense that she wants her son to stay in a relationship that allegedly made him unhappy.

I think she is pissed off that he walked out on his live-in partner without a proper explanation and did so for an OW. I think she's got fears that he's not viewing his former relationship very clearly and has ditched it not because it was untenable, but because having two simultaneous relationships was.

That's understandable, in my view.

So it's okay to make a judgement about how he ended the relationship (because objectively the way he went about that was awful) but not about whether the relationship was good, bad or indifferent because as you say, only the people who were in it know that for sure.

It's not judgemental however for a concerned person who loves her son and only wants what's best for him to check out whether he's sure about this and to point out the obvious that bright shiny new baubles have a tendency to make the old ones look jaded and tired...

If he insists that's not the case though, all the OP can do is to accept it and hope for his happiness in the future.