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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OH walked out on me yesterday. Still no word. WWYD?

119 replies

LapisBlue · 20/12/2013 15:05

Hello, Mumsnetters

I'm in such turmoil and emotional pain I don't know what to do. My OH (fiance, actually, or he was supposed to be) has really unpleasant emotionally abusive tendencies. He is totally unable to cope with conflict and insults me appallingly. He never says sorry and shows no remorse. Oh, and he gave me Herpes.

He regularly threatens to leave me (he knows how much it hurts me as I've told him) and has now left me. Again. He did it two weeks ago but came back the following morning.

There has been no word from him for over 24 hours. What shall I do? I don't want to call his Mum and ask him if he's there (his Dad died recently and she has enough on her plate). He's been ignoring my texts, calls and emails. He has no money, or very little.

I'm just not sure what to do for the best. I feel sick. I reckon I need a big hug and a strong word.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 20/12/2013 15:10

I'll give you a strong word!

Thank your lucky stars he's gone. He sounds absolutely dreadful. On no account have him back.

Happy Christmas!

lougle · 20/12/2013 15:10

What was his emotional state when he left? Does he have local friends/relatives that he could rely on for shelter? Could he get money if he had to?

I'd be looking at that first, because it will change whether you should be angry or worried.

PassAFist · 20/12/2013 15:12

I would consider yourself to have had a lucky escape and I would not let him back in.

Be strong!

mcmoonfucker · 20/12/2013 15:15

This sounds like good news for you.
He's a grown man so I'm sure he can look after himself.
Why would you even be worried about him/considering marrying someone who is so mean and unreliable?

Original poster

LapisBlue · 20/12/2013 15:15

He was in an angry, emotional state when he left. Sorry to drip feed but I made it clear that if he did it again our relationship would be over and one of the last things he said was that he "knew what he was doing".

Like many EA men, he doesn't have close friends so he could only go to his Mums and I don't think he's going to do that.

I am angry AND worried. VERY angry that someone who claims to love me (but has been so very very cruel) could do this to me again. I do not deserve it, I'm a good kind person - not perfect of course.

OP posts:

MinnieBar · 20/12/2013 15:16

What would I do?

Celebrate that you get a peaceful Christmas now.

And if the house is in your name, change the locks.

Guiltypleasures001 · 20/12/2013 15:17

Dodged a bullet there op, pack his stuff and stick it outside

Original poster

LapisBlue · 20/12/2013 15:18

mcmoonfucker - you're right. I never thought I'd even consider marrying someone who's so horrible to me. I have a very high degree of emotional intelligence and I KNOW about EA but still I'm here. As with all EA men, or so it seems, he's not abusive all the time.

But it's got worse. I am in physical pain. Bloody hell.

OP posts:

cloudskitchen · 20/12/2013 15:21

Turn the tables and stop texting, calling and emailing him. He's probably loving it. He'll soon get in touch when you go quiet.

He sounds blimen awful however he has just lost a parent which is not something you get over in a month or 2 or even a year or 2 so this could be contributing. That said, it is no excuse to treat you shabbily and you should not accept that treatment.

gleekster · 20/12/2013 15:22

Yep, change the locks, dump his stuff at his mums and do the "I dodged a bullet dance."
I bet next year will be a lot happier for you than this one has been without this abusive wankbadger in your life.

NatashaBee · 20/12/2013 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lougle · 20/12/2013 15:25

I hope you're all right...

Original poster

LapisBlue · 20/12/2013 15:25

cloudskitchen (and all of you lovely ladies), I've now stopped calling, texting etc as you're right - bizarrely, it's probably making him feel like the big I Am.. I am genuinely worried about his safety/whereabouts but as one of you said, he's a grown man.

I feel utterly humiliated. We run business networking meetings together and I had to lie for him today. I left early, I felt so awful.

OP posts:

VivaLeBeaver · 20/12/2013 15:32

Yep, change the locks and throw a party.

Seriously I am sorry that you're upset but would you honestly want to spend the rest of your life with a man who treats you like this? It would only get worse.

Preciousbane · 20/12/2013 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DwellsUndertheSink · 20/12/2013 15:37

Pack his stuff, put it outside the door, change the locks and do what you said you would do. You told him you wouldnt put up with it, and he's called your bluff. So stick firm. Let him run home to mum. Ignore all texts from him, and see how he likes it.

After Christmas, if you and he still wants to be together, you will have a more equal relationship.

Or the break will allow you to gain perspective on how controlling he is, and end it with him.

MadameOvary · 20/12/2013 15:39

My ex did this, exactly as you describe. It has happened countless times to countless people who did not deserve it, who thought that it was somehow ok for them to hang around and wait to be forgiven by the arseholes they supposedly upset.

If i could give some advice to my past self, it would be "i know you're hurting (It felt like my skin had been pulled off, it was so painful) but this is a big fat sign of things to come, and if you get out now you'll still have to heal and move on, but at least you won't have wasted six years on the woefully inadequate abusive prick"

He couldn't take criticism either. No one loves criticism, let's be fair, but using it as an excuse for shitty behaviour pretty much says "I'll never responsibility for anything, cos i cant help it, i'm so fragile and damaaaaged"

Hope you see the light soon OP.

Jan45 · 20/12/2013 15:42

If I was you I'd be more worried about the way he is treating me per se, not just on this occasion, and I certainly wouldn't worry about someone who clearly does not give a fuck about me.

Celebrate, enjoy xmas and look for someone who doesn't treat you like something they've stood in.

Original poster

LapisBlue · 20/12/2013 15:44

Thanks for all your responses.

Oddly I'm VERY aware of emotional abuse, the damage it does and would be giving the same assertive, well thought out advice to others. How crazy is that?

What I don't understand is the cruelty he has demonstrated here, blanking me and not even letting me know he's OK (assuming he is OK). Conflict simply makes him run away, like a child would do.

OP posts:

MadameOvary · 20/12/2013 15:46

It's not a case of "He's not abusive all the time".
It's actually a case of "I can't be arsed pretending to be a decent human being all the time, it's too much effort, so I'll do as much as is necessary to get Lapis to toe the line, then I'll ramp it up if she's showing too many signs of getting comfortable. Because she doesn't call the shots - i do. I'm the only one who matters after all".

Lastofthepodpeople · 20/12/2013 15:47

You are right, you don't deserve this. He is being childish and manipulative, and you deserve better.

I second what DwellsUndertheSink. Pack his stuff and change the locks.

It will be hard at first but you know it will only get better from here and you won't regret it in the end.

Lastofthepodpeople · 20/12/2013 15:48

That was supposed to be 'what Dwells said'

MadameOvary · 20/12/2013 15:48

Don't waste your time trying to figure out the cruelty. It's unacceptable and that is all you need to know. It's as impossible as trying to figure out why the majority of people treat each other with kindness and decency. They just do.

gleekster · 20/12/2013 15:50

OP you are wasting all your energy trying to get a PhD in "him" all his needs, all his issues, all his problems.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?????
He clearly isn't going to change. You have given him various chances. You gave him an ultimatum and he still treated you badly.
You now choose whether to live a life of pain and cruelty with a man who is unable and unwilling to treat you properly who gives a shit about why? or you realise you are worth more than this.
Instead of analysing him you should be analysing yourself and asking "Why would I put up with this shit?" "What work do I need to do on my own self esteem to make sure I don't fall back into this, or any other abusive relationship?"
Life is too short for all this shit and drama.

tribpot · 20/12/2013 15:53

I'm not sure why you don't understand his refusal to contact you. Every text you send, every desperate voice mail, is a victory to him. It tells him you are growing increasingly likely to take him back and give him the green light to escalate. There's nothing in it for him if he responds.

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