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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH walked out on me yesterday. Still no word. WWYD?

119 replies

LapisBlue · 20/12/2013 15:05

Hello, Mumsnetters

I'm in such turmoil and emotional pain I don't know what to do. My OH (fiance, actually, or he was supposed to be) has really unpleasant emotionally abusive tendencies. He is totally unable to cope with conflict and insults me appallingly. He never says sorry and shows no remorse. Oh, and he gave me Herpes.

He regularly threatens to leave me (he knows how much it hurts me as I've told him) and has now left me. Again. He did it two weeks ago but came back the following morning.

There has been no word from him for over 24 hours. What shall I do? I don't want to call his Mum and ask him if he's there (his Dad died recently and she has enough on her plate). He's been ignoring my texts, calls and emails. He has no money, or very little.

I'm just not sure what to do for the best. I feel sick. I reckon I need a big hug and a strong word.

OP posts:
Ginocchio · 21/12/2013 08:29

Lapis but you know he'll tell you all that - he'll say he's going to change, that he's sorry, that he'll sort himself out - and then he'll carry on being abusive to you.

As pp have said, he doesn't love you. You don't abuse someone that you love.

The worst thing that you can possibly do now is to take him back. Then you'll be showing him that it doesn't matter in the slightest what he does to you, or how badly he treats you, because you'll always take him back.

Walk away. Walk away now, and consider yourself lucky to have avoided a lifetime of his shit.

ItsBiggerOnTheInside · 21/12/2013 08:41

Hope you find something lovely, you deserve to treat yourself.

notoneforselfies · 21/12/2013 08:44

He won't ever change, as you seem to know, so why present that as a condition/option to giving it another go? Just don't give him an opening to retrying anything at all. Make up your mind now that you are worth more than this. Do pack up his stuff and give it to his mum - leaving it all just potentially exposes you to prolonged contact and for him to do some emotional wheedling/play mind games and test your will when he does come back. Don't allow yourself to be out through that.

Hissy · 21/12/2013 08:54

There are way more hens teeth than there are repentant abusers.

Game over love.

And bin bag his stuff. Him coming to get it gives him access to you, that's not going to happen.

Sweety, when my abusive ex left I had a horrific pain in my throat (trapped tears pain) it was physically excruciating.

I felt monumentally stupid, I felt so idiotic I felt sick. I didn't even feel entitled to post on MN, as Wtf did I know about anything.

little by little, mners helped me see that it wasn't me, and that I had every right to feel sad, but never, ever blame myself.

I found reading Why Does He Do That? Totally revolutionary in my life, it really helped me see.

You're in shock, the adrenaline is coursing through your veins, fear too. Just talk it out, and be kind to yourself. Know that in a few days only you'll start to feel better. This is the hard bit.

BREATHE! (((hugs)))

Buzzardisnotina4birdroast · 21/12/2013 08:54

Lapis (lovely name) you said earlier that he said "i know what I'm doing". He does know what he is doing...this is all planned and he will do it every time he needs you to feel this bad. When this stops having the desired effect he will notch it up a gear. This is your future unless you break the cycle.

Take this opportunity to break the cycle now, get a better life for yourself.

Being alone is a million times better than being abused.

Buzzardisnotina4birdroast · 21/12/2013 08:57

And do bag his stuff up, we all know that by not doing that you are creating an opportunity to take him back.

gleekster · 21/12/2013 09:53

Lapis. I am going to be a little bit tough with you now.
Sorry.
I have been where you are. I have actually rocked back and forth with the pain of it. I totally lost myself. I lost my way.
He will easily tell you he can change, and that a lot of it was your fault anyway and he does love you how could you think otherwise, please give him one last chance. Blah blah blah.
But it will all be meaningless. And, this is the dark part. Next time he screws you over it will feel even worse than this time. I know you don't want to believe me but it is true. He will escalate and he will find new ways to hurt you.
Please don't do this to yourself.
Your excuse that you don't want to pack his stuff up cos that would be doing something for him is pitiful. It almost made me cry. You will be doing something for you love. Pack it up and drop it wordlessly at his mothers.
Don't engage is any kind of justifying conversation with her. leave it outside her door if necessary. I don't care if it is in the middle of a hailstorm, get that fuckers shit out of your house.
Then you can start the slow process of getting him out of your head.
Still here hand holding.

ItsBiggerOnTheInside · 21/12/2013 10:03

Yes, bag his stuff up. Otherwise he is spending way too much time in your space. Bag it up and dump it in the garage for a quick, painless collection.

tribpot · 21/12/2013 10:04

He'll say anything you want to hear in order to continue to have a place to live and access to his emotional punching bag.

Pack his stuff and get it the fuck out of your house. Your excuse about not doing it for him is purely to keep the door open for him to return. You already know what you'll 'demand' when he asks you to let him stay. You're writing the script and he hasn't even shown up yet.

Look at why you are unable to put yourself first. You are doing yourself no favours.

RandomMess · 21/12/2013 10:16

The whole time you are filling your home and head and heart with stuff about him you are stopping yourself from having a relationship with someone who is decent.

LifeMovesOn · 21/12/2013 10:21

Lapis so sorry to catch up with this thread and your pain is understandable.

After all, you're being treated appallingly by this worthless excuse of a man.

You KNOW you're worth more than this.

If this were someone else's post, what would be your honest advice to them, knowing all that you do?

Ditch, ditch, ditch of course.

But I know it's not easy. I took back my cheating ex-H because I thought I loved him so much. Now that was a waste of 8 weeks of my life that I'll never get back, but YOU now have the power to make your life better.

Treat away at the shops, you deserve it Thanks

QuintessentialShadows · 21/12/2013 10:50

the only way we could have a future is if he acknowledges that he is abusive, needs to change and must work on himself. That aint gonna happen, right? Abusive men who change are as rare as hen's teeth, aren't they?

You are right about that.

By the sounds of things, he is not happy either.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 21/12/2013 11:00

Your posts about abusive men can sometimes change rang bells with me.

I was with someone. He hit me. I apologised and begged him to forgive me. My only defence was I was very young, I did eventually leave him. I was then with someone else for a couple of years, engaged and living together. He hit me. He kicked the cat. He hit me. I left him. Took him back as lonely. Lasted a week or two as no feelings there any more. He didn't change. He escalated to kicking the cat. Abusers rarely change. Your ex is much worse than mine were. Please pack all his stuff today and put it and him out. Then enjoy Christmas as a free, not being abused woman.

EachAndEveryHighway · 21/12/2013 11:56

Only read page 1 and 4 as in a rush - you definitely need to get rid of him, but noticed that you 'run business networking meetings together'. You'll have to seek legal advice about that if you run a business with him. If it was an amicable non-abusive split then fine you could continue to work together. But in this situation you MUSTN'T carry on working with him once the dust has settled.

If you run a business together I guess you could buy him out or he could buy you out? Or you just set up doing the same thing yourself as a sole trader under your name? You'll have to look at the different options.

If this has already been said, many apologies. Good luck and enjoy Christmas without him.

Tapiocapearl · 21/12/2013 13:42

I think you need to live separately whilst having couples counselling if you want to continue together.

Original poster
LapisBlue · 21/12/2013 13:55

When one partner is abusive, that never works, unfortunately. Home now, only 4 more things to get pant pant.

Spoke to his Mum. She can't take sides (obviously) but has acknowledged that he has problems with anger. He told her that I told him to leave. Clearly, I didn't.

Still no word from him. Started packing his stuff but broke down.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 21/12/2013 14:21

Do you recognize that his actions now are abusive and manipulative?

Original poster
LapisBlue · 21/12/2013 14:33

I recognised what he was doing right from the start. I just thought (fool that I was) that I could make him "see".

But yet, the silence is quite appalling. And he knows it.

OP posts:
TheSparklyPussycat · 21/12/2013 15:15

You are used to parrying his FWittery all the time. Silence from him breaks that pattern, and leaves a gap in your mind - which you fill with all sorts of possibilities. It's a little addictive, FW-wrestling, - or was in my case.

Now you know you can't make him "see". Other posters are looking for verification from you that you "see" - if you do, he is of absolutely no consequence. So the gap in your mind can be filled with something else - like food planning for Christmas, perhaps?

Original poster
LapisBlue · 21/12/2013 15:25

It's the silence here that's so appalling. I was single for a loooong time before I met him. Funny how the silence didn't bother me before.

Yes, I do "see". But I "saw" the first time he called me a f c* back in March.

OP posts:
TheSparklyPussycat · 21/12/2013 15:55

My point is that the silence would not be appalling if you truly "saw". Detachment can be a slow process - or can happen in a moment, like a switch. Clearly you are not yet detached properly.

CocktailQueen · 21/12/2013 15:58

Sounds like you should breathe a sigh of relief, change the locks and enjoy Christmas! He sounds horrible.

Original poster
LapisBlue · 21/12/2013 16:08

No, I'm not detached properly. It's only been two days.

OP posts:
Trigglesx · 21/12/2013 16:09

Yep, change the locks, dump his stuff at his mums and do the "I dodged a bullet dance."

This. So much. Exactly. (and thank you for whoever posted it, as it made me Grin, having been in a bad relationship previously.

funnymummyspeaks · 21/12/2013 16:28

You have all my sympathy OP!! Try to see this as a good thing in the long run however painful it is now!!! I am coming to terms with realising that my OH of 13 years is an EA and recognise everything you have described... I think I would be relieved if he walked out on me but, unfortunately he is more the type to threaten it regularly but never act on it and make it clear that if I end things, he will use it against me with the DC's and not see them etc... I hope this doesn't sound insensitive but, if you are really free of this man for good now then, I am happy for you!!! Try to have a good Christmas and start 2014 with a clean slate!!!