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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH walked out on me yesterday. Still no word. WWYD?

119 replies

LapisBlue · 20/12/2013 15:05

Hello, Mumsnetters

I'm in such turmoil and emotional pain I don't know what to do. My OH (fiance, actually, or he was supposed to be) has really unpleasant emotionally abusive tendencies. He is totally unable to cope with conflict and insults me appallingly. He never says sorry and shows no remorse. Oh, and he gave me Herpes.

He regularly threatens to leave me (he knows how much it hurts me as I've told him) and has now left me. Again. He did it two weeks ago but came back the following morning.

There has been no word from him for over 24 hours. What shall I do? I don't want to call his Mum and ask him if he's there (his Dad died recently and she has enough on her plate). He's been ignoring my texts, calls and emails. He has no money, or very little.

I'm just not sure what to do for the best. I feel sick. I reckon I need a big hug and a strong word.

OP posts:
Original poster
LapisBlue · 20/12/2013 17:05

yet it was he that predicted your marriage would end in a lifetime of misery. Perhaps about this one thing he is right.

He meant that I would make his life a misery, not the other way around. Yeah, calling someone on their bad behaviour is a horrible thing to do, I guess Confused

Why am I/was I with him? Not actually really sure now. He was never sorry or remorseful.

OP posts:
LaQueenAnd3KingsOfOrientAre · 20/12/2013 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsBiggerOnTheInside · 20/12/2013 17:10

Love ladyflumpalot's text!!!

BettyBotter · 20/12/2013 17:12

I know he just said it to blame and hurt you as he's a cruel arsewipe , Lapis, and from your honesty and awareness I really wouldn't lay the blame at your door.

But end result's the same - marriage with this person doesn't look destined to be happy. Sad

maparole · 20/12/2013 17:13

*He isn't some fantastically intricate, speshul, wonderous creature of myriad colours that only you can possibly understand and fathom, and tis your destiny to fully know him, and explore him and ultimately unlock the hidden secrets at his core, revealing a sweetly sparkling spirit of beauty.

He is a twunt, of the first order. He will always be a twunt, nothing you can do/say/feel will ever change that.*

Brilliant Grin

TheSparklyPussycat · 20/12/2013 17:18

Lapis every poster on here knows he meant you would make his life a misery.

BettyBotter was saying, I think, that the form his words took would be a true prediction - your marriage would end in a lifetime of misery! But because of him, not you, of course. Since he is a FW. Let him go.

cafesociety · 20/12/2013 17:20

OP, Like someone quoted on here 'When someone lets you know who there are, believe them'...Maya Angelou said it I think.

You have enough warning, he's giving you warning and letting you know who he is. Whatever he is telling you that you are...that is what he is.

Abusive people aren't like that all the time, no one would ever form a relationship with them in the first place if they were. It's there, buried until some stress brings it to the surface....the other person puts up with it, even if you address it at the time and 'think' you are dealing with it/are aware of what is happening, your continued presence in his life condones the behaviour...and then it escalates.

I'd say you were having a very lucky escape, so get away from this situation while you can. Just let him go, it's for the best.

MissBeehiving · 20/12/2013 17:25

Change the locks and break open the fizz.

You know it makes sense.

Zucker · 20/12/2013 17:31

He's a plaster on your life and you need to grab it and rip it off in one go. The thoughts of doing it is always worse than the doing. Imagine not having all of his shite in your headspace.

Cabrinha · 20/12/2013 17:42

Another one who is happy for you, reading this. Despite the pain you're feeling. He's an arsehole and this is the best thing that could happen. Here's to a much better year for you!!

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 20/12/2013 17:47

Emotional intelligence is not calling someone on their behaviour every time they are abusive. It is walking out the first or second time they are abusive.

whitsernam · 20/12/2013 18:03

Another one here saying what Dinnae andMissBee say: What Would We Do? Change the locks and party. Happy New Year!

Original poster
LapisBlue · 21/12/2013 06:56

He's still not back, so that's two nights now. Didn't sleep too well. I'm off to finish some Christmas shopping this morning, which will take my mind of things, hopefully.

OP posts:
Pollydingdonmerrilyonhigh · 21/12/2013 07:08

Chin up & carry on Flowers

Original poster
LapisBlue · 21/12/2013 07:10

Thank you. And thanks to all for all your supportive posts. I'll update later if I may.

OP posts:
happytalk13 · 21/12/2013 07:16

What should you do? Change the locks, break open a bottle of bubbly and wish yourself a Merry Chrismas and a Fabulous 2014.

You've already admitted he's EA, why on earth are you worrying about him? If you don't let him back into your life now you won't be sitting here on MN in 5 years time stuck at home, with kids, with a horribly abusive man and no where to run.

Enjoy your freedom!!!!!

CitizenOscar · 21/12/2013 07:31

May I ask what you'd do if/when he did come back?

summermovedon · 21/12/2013 07:33

Do NOT marry him. Do NOT have children with him. Start looking after YOU and find someone who cares about you. He is giving you a very strong message that he really truly doesn't.

QuintessentialShadows · 21/12/2013 07:44

You have had a lucky escape! Don't cling to this man. He is right about a life fine of misery - for you both. Good luck staying strong and level headed!

ClaraStahlbaum · 21/12/2013 07:51

I hope some of the Christmas presents are to treat yourself in mourning at the lost potential of the relationship and celebration of its end.

It is the end, right?

Hissy · 21/12/2013 08:06

I agree with everyone here, it is a good thing that he's gone. Keep it that way.

However, few if any here ahve seemingly acknowledged that you'll be feeling desperately sad about the end of the relationship (the one you hoped it would be).

Please know that everything you are feeling is valid, you do have a right to feel devastated, humiliated, sad and bewildered.

Allow yourself to feel, and tell yourself that it really has happened for the best, and soon you will start feeling a bit better.

Please don't take his calls if they come. Please tell him that it's over and you respect that, and just refuse to engage any further. Dump his stuff at his mum's, or better, get a friend to.

Keep posting, keep talking to us, we'll get you through this!

Original poster
LapisBlue · 21/12/2013 08:20

Your responses have made me cry. I do indeed feel humiliated and bewildered. There is a pain in my chest and I can't eat,

I think that IF he comes back (and he'll have to if he wants his stuff I won't pack it up for him) the only way we could have a future is if he acknowledges that he is abusive, needs to change and must work on himself. That aint gonna happen, right? Abusive men who change are as rare as hen's teeth, aren't they?

Just a small detail - children wouldn't be an issue. We're both child free (me by choice).

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 21/12/2013 08:22

You're wavering. Don't!

Original poster
LapisBlue · 21/12/2013 08:23

No I'm not wavering. Some abusive men can change (very few) but not this one. Off to shops, treating myself to something...not sure what yet.

OP posts:
Cerisier · 21/12/2013 08:25

He won't change OP. I think you are well out of it, he sounds horrendous. Do you want to live like this for the next twenty years?