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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH walked out on me yesterday. Still no word. WWYD?

119 replies

LapisBlue · 20/12/2013 15:05

Hello, Mumsnetters

I'm in such turmoil and emotional pain I don't know what to do. My OH (fiance, actually, or he was supposed to be) has really unpleasant emotionally abusive tendencies. He is totally unable to cope with conflict and insults me appallingly. He never says sorry and shows no remorse. Oh, and he gave me Herpes.

He regularly threatens to leave me (he knows how much it hurts me as I've told him) and has now left me. Again. He did it two weeks ago but came back the following morning.

There has been no word from him for over 24 hours. What shall I do? I don't want to call his Mum and ask him if he's there (his Dad died recently and she has enough on her plate). He's been ignoring my texts, calls and emails. He has no money, or very little.

I'm just not sure what to do for the best. I feel sick. I reckon I need a big hug and a strong word.

OP posts:
Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 20/12/2013 15:54

Sorry to hear this. About the herpes I mean. The game playing and attention seeking is not what you deserve. I feel sorry for anyone bereaved but he may have exhibited emotionally abusive tendencies long before his father passed.

Arrange stuff to do this evening and over the weekend. Be proactive, pack all his stuff up. Pile it up by the front door. If he has a key he will either sneak back when he thinks you are out or he'll wander in looking sad and hard done by. Engagement broken off you leave your ring where he's going to find it and treat the rest of this year as the start of a new phase.

Original poster
LapisBlue · 20/12/2013 15:56

Gleekster: yes, I know. You're right.

OP posts:
HaroldTheGoat · 20/12/2013 15:56

I would hope to stop all contact and not let him back in when he realises that your not playing ball and comes weaselling back.

Thanks
Original poster
LapisBlue · 20/12/2013 16:00

Just on a practical note, he won't be able to get in. He left his key.

I reckon he has a history of running away from things so is more than used to "dramatic endings" if you see what I mean.

Funny how EA men don't think they do anything wrong, isn't it? I know I don't sound it but I'm actually quite a strong person so your replies are very welcome.

OP posts:
whitsernam · 20/12/2013 16:03

I think he's just given you a very lucky break You are so fortunate to get out of the relationship before any children are born and tie you to him forever!!! Enjoy your peace and quiet, which is so hard to find most weeks.

Jan45 · 20/12/2013 16:05

He's clearly emotionally stunted and incapable of having a normal relationship, you sound like you are more than capable, find someone else who won't treat you this way, use this as the last time he makes you feel this way, you now know just how cruel he can be.

Otherwise, he will come back if you let him and it will be more of the same.

Leviticus · 20/12/2013 16:18

Agree with everyone telling you to count yourself lucky. Imagine a lifetime of this ridiculous shit from him. Imagine him regularly walking out on the DC you could have had together.

Fuck him off OP.

Blatherskite · 20/12/2013 16:19

Sounds like you got an early christmas present op!

Now's your chance to start 2014 on a high.

Leviticus · 20/12/2013 16:19

Sorry that was so sweary - he just sounds awful!

Original poster
LapisBlue · 20/12/2013 16:22

Apparently, I'm "fucking mental" and he wouldn't marry me as he would have a "lifetime of misery" - apparently.

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 20/12/2013 16:22

What everyone else said.

Don't allow yourself to be treated like you are worthless any more.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 20/12/2013 16:23

Shock When did he say that?

TheVermiciousGrinch · 20/12/2013 16:25

Rejoice that you are rid of the fucker! It would only get worse.

Original poster
LapisBlue · 20/12/2013 16:26

two minutes before he left.

OP posts:
ItsBiggerOnTheInside · 20/12/2013 16:27

Definitely try to stop worrying about where he is and treat this as the final break up that it absolutely should be!

Do you have any RL friend should can ring up and talk to? You need as much friendly support as possible..

Zucker · 20/12/2013 16:28

New year, new life LapisBlue. Tell him when he comes crawing back to fuck off. Get on with your life and meet someone that doesn't treat you like shit on his shoe.

defineme · 20/12/2013 16:28

You poor thing. You deserve better. I hope you can extract yourself from your joint business or take it on your own. There are many many men who wouldn't dream of saying one bad word to their partners-my dh hasn't in 14 years-we argue but no name calling/threats etc-you do not have to accept that. Herpes fgs, how awful. Do you feel you have to fix or save men? Not meaning to patronize, but if you are so emotionally aware then you need to work out what made you stay with such a cock so you don't do it again.

bestsonever · 20/12/2013 16:34

Sorry but the way you describe him and the way you have been putting up with it and having him back dispite the abuse leads me to disagree that you do have a high emotional intelligence.
Was he sorry about giving you Herpes? If not, and you still had him back, where is the intelligence there.
Somehow you have really dropped your standards for this man to ridiculously low levels. Have some self respect, demand more for yourself - though not from him, it's clear he is beyond ever giving you the respect you deserve, he's done you a massive favour by going.

Original poster
LapisBlue · 20/12/2013 16:38

Yes, he was very sorry about the Herpes.

I guess what I mean by emotional intelligence is knowing what he's doing and calling him on it EVERY TIME. My self esteem is robust and I know I've not caused his behaviour and that I can't stop it.

But you're probably right - those of you who've said that I've had him back and carried on with the relationship when I deserved a lot better.

OP posts:
tribpot · 20/12/2013 16:42

Focus your emotional intelligence on yourself and what steps you need to take to avoid being suckered by a man like this again in the future. For starters, stop obsessing about whether fear of conflict is at the root of his behaviour. Being a tosser is at the root of his behaviour, end of.

specialsubject · 20/12/2013 16:42

excellent news, glad this person is now out of your life. He may have problems but that isn't your problem.

please waste no more time on him. There are billions of decent men on this planet.

change the locks, block him on your phone and move on.

BettyBotter · 20/12/2013 16:47

Lapis. You seem so aware of his appalling behaviour, you sound emotionally strong and astute - yet it was he that predicted your marriage would end in a lifetime of misery. Perhaps about this one thing he is right. Sad

What are you doing with him, Lapis? Just why ?

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 20/12/2013 16:53

OK. I have only read your OP and none of the responses due to Bullace Vodka (can recommend by the way)
If you are serious in your question of what to do....you should put out the bunting (red preferably) change the locks first and your phone numbers second and then PAAAAAARTAY!!

He is not worthy of someone capable of stringing together an OP as good as yours is. Get rid. He is a total waste of O2. We need to think of the planet in 2014, O2 is a valuable resource. :)

LaQueenAnd3KingsOfOrientAre · 20/12/2013 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyFlumpalot · 20/12/2013 17:02

Personally I'd send him one final text:

Your stuff is at your mums. Don't bother contacting me again. My solicitor will be in touch re the business.

Then delete his number and thank your lucky stars he buggered off.

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