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Original poster

My dad is having an affair

153 replies

Beepwizz · 18/12/2013 19:45

My parents have been happily married for 36 years. This week I have discovered my dad is 'working away' every other week (he's retired but writing a book). I snooped on his computer and he is meeting a women for sex it seems ( it didn't take more than 2 minutes of history browsing to discover this).

Oh help what do I do? My brother has asked him in an email if he is having an affair... He avoided the question in his reply. Should I wade in with a passive aggressive text ( he is currently 'working away'). I am making myself ill with the stress of the knowledge I have. What's worse ... A bit explosion or turning a blind eye.

OP posts:
GimmeDaBoobehz · 19/12/2013 19:45

cjel That may be so but in most cases if you know that your mother would be devastated and wouldn't put up with it like I know my mother wouldn't, then I'd definitely tell.

My partners parents still argue due to his Dad having 3 other children by 2 different women (normally around Christmas, for some reason) I know sometimes it's best not to be mentioned but that's if the person knows and is accepting of it/wants to deal with it in their own way not if the person is completely clueless to the events. By informing them, they can make their own choice on what to do next.

Hope it's going well with your father, OP.

Original poster
Beepwizz · 19/12/2013 23:15

So I confronted him. I was kind. I said: 1. I know something is going on with this lady. 2. It's not ok but only you can change things. 3. I love you and care about you. (I numbered them in my head so I had a script to follow). He denied it. Life, I guess, goes on.

OP posts:
PowerPants · 19/12/2013 23:18

When you say he denied it did he offer any explanation for the messages you saw?

Lweji · 20/12/2013 02:16

And, does that mean you believe it? Are you going to forget the whole thing?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 20/12/2013 02:31

How certain are you? As in, could the messages have been read a different way?

JeanSeberg · 20/12/2013 05:09

As predicted.

Original poster
Beepwizz · 20/12/2013 05:51

He's lying but at least now he's been challenged. I'm certain, the messages were explicit.

OP posts:
rabbitlady · 20/12/2013 06:01

if your dad told you not to have sex with someone you were seeing, how would you take that?

JeanSeberg · 20/12/2013 06:03

You need to leave it now.

Lweji · 20/12/2013 07:33

He's been challenged? How?
If you were going to be this wishy washy about it, why even have the conversation with him?
If the messages were that explicit why didn't you tell him? Did you just accept his lying to you?

He could have said it was none of your business, but he lied.

What will you say next time your mum complains he's too absent and she's hurting?

Lweji · 20/12/2013 07:37

Rabbit, if your dad told you not to cheat on your OH, he'd have a point.

This man is not free. He's married and to someone the OP loves very much.

doasyouwouldbedoneby · 20/12/2013 07:40

I wouldn't say you challenged him really. I think you would have to have mentioned the messages and the impact on your mum before you could call it a challenge. Your brother asked him and he denied it, you have asked him and he has denied it. All that has been gained is that you know that your dad is a liar and can't be trusted and now he will be more careful to cover his track in future.
Not sure what more can be done now apart from looking after your poor mum.

Moreisnnogedag · 20/12/2013 07:59

See if my dad told me outright that he knew I was having an affair with X, then it would scare the bejesus out of me and I'd pack it in.

If talking to her dad made OP feel better what's the big deal? I kind of feel she couldn't do right for doing wrong. Once she'd seen the messages there never was going to be a perfect solution. This way her dad knows what she thinks (and I do think there is a difference between a son abroad asking something and the daughter who sees the parents everyday asking) and he can decide what he's going to do from there.

OP I really hope your dad realises what a shit he's being and knocks it on the head. I also look after yourself, it's a pretty crappy thing to find out about someone you love.

Lweji · 20/12/2013 08:01

There's still a lot that can be done. Conversations can continue.

But if you are not prepared to actually challenge your father, then you can still keep talking to your mother, determine her point of view on this and decide whether to tell her or not.

Lweji · 20/12/2013 08:02

Did it make you feel better, as moore said? After this I'd be feeling worse, because my dad had lied to me outright. It accomplished nothing, it would only have made me love my father less.

oldwomaninashoe · 20/12/2013 08:19

So Beepwiz, what happens if your Mother breaks down in front of you, because for sure she knows, are you going to confirm her worst fears?

JeanSeberg · 20/12/2013 12:43

Perhaps you could try water boarding to extract the confession that some posters think you have a right to.

Joysmum · 20/12/2013 18:20

I'm amazed that anyone thinks it's acceptable for a partner not to be told about infidelity.

When anyone has an affair, they take away the choice of their partner to decide for themself whether that is acceptable within the marriage.

Anyone not telling someone about a partner having an affair is also denying that person the right to decide for themselves what is acceptable.

The messenger certainly won't be popular (understatement of the year) but empowering a person to have choices is more important imo

JeanSeberg · 20/12/2013 18:47

I'm amazed that anyone thinks it's acceptable for children to meddle in their parents' marriages.

cjel · 20/12/2013 18:58

I'm amazed that anyone presumes that the other partner doesn't already know.

OneMoreChap · 20/12/2013 19:40

Tell who you want.
The person you tell will be either grateful or heartbroken.

Deal with the consequences (oh, and if it's your dad, wave bye-bye to both of your parents. Him because you told his wife, her because you either shattered her dream or interfered]

daytoday · 22/12/2013 13:53

Honesty is very simple.

If I were you, I would tell your mum what you know, including what your dad said and leave them to it. I would absolutely hate for one of my children to carry the weight of this sort of information on their shoulders. I'd much rather they told me.

Its not 'meddling', which is the most stupid word in itself. Meaningless.

JeanSeberg · 22/12/2013 15:41

I used the word meddling, it means to interfere in things which are none of your concern, entirely apt and hardly meaningless.

hookedonchoc · 22/12/2013 15:56

If it was my DH I would want to know, regardlesss of the source. I wouldn't consider it meddling so much as public health advice! Just as I would want someone to tell me if I had my skirt tucked in my knickers or was showing symptoms of an illness I might not be aware of. If there was something damaging going on in my life, and other people knew and didn't tell me, I would be very angry with them when I found out!

Joysmum · 22/12/2013 16:06

Me too hooked.

I wonder if anyone who has lived in 'blissful' ignorance would ever be grateful to be living a lie? I know I wouldn't be. I would deserve a husband who respected the boundaries of our marriage, and if he didn't, I would deserve to know so I at least had the change to decide for myself what I wanted to do about it.

Not being told takes the choice away. Being told when you know isn't as serious as not knowing. Really struggling to understand why others don't see it like that?