My dad is having an affair

[Beepwizz]

My parents have been happily married for 36 years. This week I have discovered my dad is 'working away' every other week (he's retired but writing a book). I snooped on his computer and he is meeting a women for sex it seems ( it didn't take more than 2 minutes of history browsing to discover this).

Oh help what do I do? My brother has asked him in an email if he is having an affair... He avoided the question in his reply. Should I wade in with a passive aggressive text ( he is currently 'working away'). I am making myself ill with the stress of the knowledge I have. What's worse ... A bit explosion or turning a blind eye.

Good luck.

OP, I am sorry that you are in this situation. I know how it feels to know something about a parent that the other parent doesn't know.

I am a bit surprised at how many posters suggest that OP's mum might already know and be happy to ignore the situation. Why? Just because her OH is retired? Do posters think that once men are retired, it is OK for them to have affairs?

Actually, the mum isn't happy: My mum is clearly not a happy woman right now. I caught her crying and she said "dad is being a pain, he's in his own little world".

It sounds as though either she knows or she suspects. That is a horrible situation to be in for both you and your mum, OP.

Wanted, I said that she should leave well alone as they are happy because in her original post OP clearly said that her parents had been happily married for 36 years - what else could I have thought?

Now OP has dropped in that her mum is clearly not happy, has been crying and said its her dad causing it.
Slightly different.

I'd still be very wary of telling DM you know. She would have told you if she wanted you to know when you found her crying if you are as close as you say.

Finding out something that has upset you still doesn't mean that you have to act on it. I would go ahead and chat to your dad tonight but don't expect it to go as you want and don't expect it to make you feel better.

No matter what age you are Beep you're always someone's child, and I hope tonight brings you some kind of resolution .

I think, depending on how the conversation goes tonight, that you could tap on your mother's complaint and guide her through it. To discovery or to never mention it again.

It's funny how people automatically assume she must know and be accepting of it. Why?

If your dad is silent, it tells you a lot about him.

LWEJI - From OPs original post where she said they had been happy for 36 years and he worked away for long periods, Its our experience in our family that they had both come to terms with the way things were and were happy.
Now OP says her mum isn't happy and is in tears it contradicts that.

I guess that'll teach you to snoop on his computer. If this was your OH and you suspected something then snooping would be something you'd be entitled to do. I cannot believe you've snooped on your dad's computer. Would you snoop on a friend's?

Now you're between a rock and a hard place.

You know your mum better than anyone else - only you can judge what you should do now.

Ah, sorry, missed the Skype bit (though I don't think you should have looked further). So, you found out by accident and your mum is upset because he's acting in a hurtful manner but she doesn't actually know about the affair ...

That's a very difficult situation and I'm not sure I'd confront him on it. I would however let him know how your mum has been and see what happens.

"Finding out something that has upset you still doesn't mean that you have to act on it"

What with the drip feeding about Mums newly discovered unhappiness, I'm increasingly getting the impression this is about the OP trying to justify her own opinions and monochrome morality, rather than protect anyone as such.

There will be a can of worms behind this, that will blow apart the OPs model of ideal parents in a happy marriage, you just know it.

Can you deal with it all coming out OP?

I think that the OP's Mother either knows or suspects. I have been married for 36 years and would suspect the worst if my husband suddenly became very distant especially if he was "working away".

When you have been together that length of time, and there is a sharp alteration in seemingly "normal" behaviour you know that something is amiss.

I do not envy the OP she is damned if she does etc etc.
Whatever she does her family dynamics will be altered beyond recognition, but it is really down to her father and how he behaves in the future, her telling him she knows may make him think twice about carrying on with his affair, I hope so, but of course there is always the possibility it might have the opposite effect and have him "working away" permanently.

Only the Op can gauge how she thinks he will react.
Good luck OP

i disagree with those who say it's not your business, i would want to know.

how did your conversation go?

Well her dad has already blown away the image if the perfect family hasn't he? Whatever the OP does she will have to confront the idea that her dad isn't perfect and that he cheated on her mum.

Beep I'm kind if surprised at some of the comments you're getting, but I suppose everyone is used to their own family dynamics.

I would be devastated if I found this out about my dad. Because it would fundamentally change the way I interacted with him. I couldn't just act as if nothing had happened and I would try desperately to protect my mom, which in reality would mean I'd be snapping at my dad for every little thing. Or I would not be able to visit which in turn would hurt my mom.

I am amazed that people could see messages and not want to double check, because I'd look to try and prove that I was wrong and misunderstood.

Venise so, her dad has turned out not to be a perfect person, this is actually a realistic view of what people are like, including our parents. Of course it is nicer if we have loving kind parents who create a welcoming family home and stay faithful for nearly 40 years but the reality of this is very far from the case for probably most of the population.

I think there comes a time where you have to decide if you can have a relationship with your parents as they are, not as they would ideally like to be. My dad has had multiple affairs (no longer with my mum) but they are not my concern, they are his partner's concern and I just don't get involved in the love lives of my parents, both of them have made daft choices over the years, especially when they went back into dating/seeing new partners.

I think it is harder when they are in a long marriage and are still at the core of family life. I would think that the mum in this situation does know as his behaviour is so blatant that the son is questioning it, but for whatever reason she is not proceeding with asking more about it.

But- sadly the mum's tears are not going to dry if she finds out her husband is unfaithful, nor is she going to necessarily be happier starting again aged 70.

I would keep out of it, given there's enough signs there for the mum to ask her own questions, she must have considered what is going on but is too afraid to ask.

I don't agree that when you have adult children, having an affair is 'betraying the whole family'- parents are grown-ups and grown-ups sometimes have complicated lives.

How you react to someone cheating is vet variable from one person to the next and depends too on what sort of relationship you have with them.
Some people on this thread have said that it come telly change the respect and the relationship they have with their dad. Others have said that it's a very personnal issue and none of their business. That it had no influence on them or that relationship.

Seeing the OP's reaction I am guessing she is the first group of people who associate cheating with being untrustworthy. And that would change the way she looks at her dad.

OP IMO you have two issues here.
One is about how you will deal with the information and whether it will change your relationship with your dad. That will really depend on what is your outlook on cheating.
The second is about your mum. I would say the one thing you can do is to support her. Maybe don't just tell her but see if you can learn more about what is the issue with your dad atm. Get a feel of whether she suspect something like this or us completely oblivious. And take it from there. I hope your talk with your dad has gone as well as it could and you have some answers.

Yes, I agree, it is personal and does change over time. I was initially very angry with my dad and had limited contact with him for about two years, however now I am older with my own family and husband, I am less interested in what he is up to, as I don't live at home and have taken a step back from both my parents' love lives.

I think you should tell your mother.

Of course it's your business if someone is doing something to hurt her.

Sorry only briefly posted last time, as was just getting daughter down for bed.

I would talk to your father about this.

For those who say it's none of your business obviously don't live in a close family. Surely if someone is cheating on a family member who has children, they are cheating on the whole family? If you don't want to be with someone anymore then fine get divorced or separated. You are shaming your children and humiliating them for your own selfish needs. Even if the Mum does know which I very much doubt knowing quite a few women from that generation, my grandparents being some of them - I can't imagine the Mum agreeing to this situation but if she miraculously did I would honestly say that she a) is fueling her own humiliation b) is also putting shame into the marriage and children.

I would speak to your father and explain that you know and you want to know what the deal is. It's up to you whether you think you should tell your Mum or not. If she's already upset she might suspect as much and your Dad is a rat for doing this to her, the poor woman. Not to say she is completely blameless - perhaps she has negative traits too, but it doesn't excuse cheating on your partner there are over ways to get with someone else such as divorce or separation.

I really hope that he sees the error of his ways and either a) breaks off this arrangement in which case it would probably be best not to mention it, unless of course he starts it up again or b) decides to tell your Mum and they can sort it out. If he is a half decent father he will choose to do one of these, because he wouldn't want to see you and your brother in an awkward position.

I know if this happened to me I would be torn too but at the end of the day, I would have loyalty to the person who is being deceived, whichever parent it was. I don't think I could ever look at that said parent in the same way again, either.

Best of luck :-)

do you know that your mother doesnt know?

It's a tough call. I'd speak to your dad about it in the first instance and then see what your next move, or not, is.

Thank you all so much for you insight and advice. I really appreciate all your perspectives. It's hard to put a problem out there and have it picked apart but ultimately I think it's helpful. I'm sorry where my scattered communication has led some to read between the lines! I need to really think through posts better. I also get worried that too many clear details will 'out' my family.

gimme thank you for your comment. I found it comforting and encouraging. Also thank you particularly to those who have shared from their own painful experiences.

I'm on my way to talk to him now. I hope and pray I'm doing the right thing. I believe that I am.

Thank you all once again. I will try to update but I expect a denial at this point. And then as I said before, my work is done.

more thank you for understanding me

In many other posts on MN in a similar situation to this (cheating partner) many MN'ers come on and say an STI check might be in order. I may have missed it but no-one appears to have mentioned it in this case and wonder why. I would want to protect my Mum and that protection would include the need for an STI check so for that reason alone, I think the OPs Mum should know so she can take care of her own health as well as all the emotional reasons alluded to here. It's recognised that STIs are massively on the increase in the older generation. She needs to know. I don't think you have much of a choice. You may well end up knowing if they still have sex, but then you already know far more about your parents sex life than most people would be comfortable with but you sound sensible enough to deal with that OP.

Gimme. I can assure you that it is the very fact that we have such a close family that we knew it was not the right thing to do to intefere with a life that The DW had decided to accept.

Her H had a 50yr old son with his OW. He saw them regularly and DM ws accepting of it all.
If we had got involved it would have broken her and she would have lost a man she had loved (Including his faults) for over 60 years, Please don't generalise that because we make decisions that don't match yours they mean we aren't close. We have 6 siblings and partners, They have 17 dcs now with partners and they now have 17 dcs themselves and the opinion among all of us was that we needed to keep mums secret so she didn't have to face the possible choices we could be forcing on her by disclosing.
|She went to her grave with all her family still in her life and her H cared for her for the last few years. We wouldn't have wanted to deny her that by putting ourselves in her marriage.

OP i DM ed you