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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My dad is having an affair

153 replies

Beepwizz · 18/12/2013 19:45

My parents have been happily married for 36 years. This week I have discovered my dad is 'working away' every other week (he's retired but writing a book). I snooped on his computer and he is meeting a women for sex it seems ( it didn't take more than 2 minutes of history browsing to discover this).

Oh help what do I do? My brother has asked him in an email if he is having an affair... He avoided the question in his reply. Should I wade in with a passive aggressive text ( he is currently 'working away'). I am making myself ill with the stress of the knowledge I have. What's worse ... A bit explosion or turning a blind eye.

OP posts:
elsabel · 18/12/2013 21:59

Give the OP a break, we dont know she was 'snooping' there are other reasons for checking internet history. And even if she was, her father is the guilty party here, not her. With little info on the family dynamics or the relationship between her parents its hard to know what the best course of action is. Good luck OP, ive been there and i feel for you.

cjel · 18/12/2013 22:00

Be very aware that as he 'works away' so often even though retired it is highly likely that your DM already knows and has chosen to live this way.
If you ask him he can deny and there isn't much you can do. Who knows you could even be the family of the affair

Twinklestein · 18/12/2013 22:06

The OP didn't mention her mum, her post implied she was considering confronting her dad.

But on the subject of her mum, I would tell her dad he has to stop or tell her mum himself. Give him a set amount of time.

If he does neither, in her situation, I would have to tell my mum. There's no way I'd let her risk her sexual health, and if she found out I knew and didn't tell her - that's almost as big a betrayal as cheating - I don't know if she'd ever forgive me.

Twinklestein · 18/12/2013 22:07

If she already knows then fine.

wannaBe · 18/12/2013 22:10

you went snooping through your dad's personal emails with no justification. You are not his partner, and being his daughter doesn't give you the right to go snooping or to start issuing ultimatums as some here are suggesting.

Your mother may already know, or suspect. Or she may not know and may choose to shoot the messenger i.e. you. Your dad may choose not to speak to you again. Are you prepared for all that? prepared to cause a family rift for ever? be responsible for the break-up of a 36 year marriage. And before anyone says that the dad is the one responsible since he is having the affair, if the op divulges this fact then she is the one responsible for it coming to light.

You were in the wrong from the start for snooping through his emails. Now you have to let it go and keep your nose out. As they say, don't go looking if you're not prepared to find something.

Beamur · 18/12/2013 22:14

I've been in this situation. My Dad was having an affair and I knew, my Mum didn't.
I decided not to tell her - she already knew he was capable of infidelity as he had form. I think now he wanted Mum to know but was too cowardly to tell her so hoped I would.

Some time later (the affair was over by now) my Mum decided to call time on her marriage. Once the dust had settled, then I told her.
I'm still close to my Mum, I have very little contact with my Dad - I lost a lot of respect for him at the time, although I have come to the conclusion that there is always more to the situation than you know and two sides to every story. I don't see it as black and white now as I did at the time, although I still don't condone his behaviour.

Lweji · 18/12/2013 22:15

There is also the possibility that the mum knows but doesn't want to rock the boat because she doesn't want to destroy her H's image with their children, even being adults.

strongagain1985 · 18/12/2013 22:18

WannaBe- how is the OP responsible for it coming to light, if he wasn't having the affair in the first place then there would be nothing to come to light in the first place. If the marriage breaks up then that's his fault for betraying his wife not hers. Advising the OP to stick her head in the sand and say nothing is a betrayal to her mother. She has every right to start giving ultimatums if her mother doesn't know about it.

strongagain1985 · 18/12/2013 22:20

Also if he decides not to speak to his daughter again then that just shows his immaturity.

cjel · 18/12/2013 22:23

It isn't a betrayal of her mother if she knows and has chosen to live this way. OP must not risk the hurt she could cause her mum by telling. They must work their marriage out on their own. OP says they are happily married so she should stay out of it.
She will be responsible for changing her family forever if she tells and finds out it wasn't a secret at all.
People who are married a long time make life choices we don't understand and its not up to us to judge. Her DD has made it clear to her brother he won't talk about it.

Lweji · 18/12/2013 22:28

But cjel, OP doesn't have to barge in telling her mum. She can talk to her dad first.

If the mum knows, it's perhaps best for it all to be out in the open, as the children already know anyway. Or it will just become a huge elephant in the room.

If the mum doesn't know, it would be her father's choice, or his reaction would determine OP's course of action.

wannaBe · 18/12/2013 22:33

and what if her mother decides to never speak to her again? Then what?

Or what if she decides to tell her mother, and when confronted her dad decides to leave the marriage and set up home with the ow, having previously had no intentions of doing so?

It is very easy to sit here and say that if it all comes to light then it's his responsibility for having the affair in the first place. But life isn't that simple or black and white.

This isn't a friendship you might be prepared to lose because of someone's choices, this is potentially a member of your family - your parent. Think very carefully whether you're prepared to lose your family over this. Affairs aren't nice, but it's not a vicious crime we're talking about here like a rape or murder. The op has no idea what goes on in her parents' marriage.

strongagain1985 · 18/12/2013 22:34

It's a betrayal to her mother if her mother doesn't know about it. As said previously OP should be talking to her farther first to establish the facts. If she discovers from her farther that her mother already knows then fine but if she doesn't know then that is different.

DontstepontheBaubles · 18/12/2013 22:35

I wouldn't text him. I can only imagine how you feel right now but try not to text him.

I would talk to him face to face at some point. I wouldn't raise it with your Mum at all yet. You may uncover far more yet. Brace yourself.

Can you live with yourself if you turned a blind eye? A big explosion wouldn't be helpful though either. Take your time here to decide on the next best course of action. You must be reeling right now but decisions made in the heat of the moment can be bad. Try and calm down and rationalise this before taking any further steps if you can.

My ExH had an affair but I was only married for 7 years in total and found out myself. So I couldn't really say how I'd feel in your Mums shoes, however my parents have been married for 45 years and so in that sense, I can certainly understand a little how I'd feel in your shoes tonight. Hope you can get some sleep and think about what you want to do tomorrow with a clearer and calmer head.

strongagain1985 · 18/12/2013 22:44

WannaBe- and what if her mother decides to never speak to her again for not saying anything. Or what if she decides to tell her mother and her mother decides she's sick of her marriage anyway and leaves having previously had no intentions of doing so but ends up happier.
It is very easy to sit here and say that if it all comes to light then it's her responsibility for snooping.
Every situation you suggested can be turned the opposite way as above. life isn't that simple or black and white.

cjel · 18/12/2013 22:57

LWEJI. Ops brother has already tried to raise it with her dad and he ignored it.
Strong, Its really unlikely that a happily married woman would suddenly decide after all that time together that she all of a sudden doesn't like her marriage. and going from having no intention to leaving to then be happier single - thats just odd

How will her dm not speak to her if she says nothing- she won't know what she hasn't been told?

strongagain1985 · 18/12/2013 23:01

Cjel-I was reply to WannaBe's post above. Also how does her daughter know they are happily married. This could be an illusion created by her parents.

strongagain1985 · 18/12/2013 23:01

*replying

Lweji · 18/12/2013 23:08

again: He was asked if he was having an affair, not confronted with the knowledge that he is having one.

Lweji · 18/12/2013 23:08

by email

strongagain1985 · 18/12/2013 23:13

Cjel- if her mother didn't know but then finds out later about the affair and that her daughter knew then that could be a reason for her to not talk to her daughter again....

Beamur · 18/12/2013 23:15

My Mum was fine with me knowing and not telling her, she (rightly) put the blame where it was deserved - with her errant husband - not her poor compromised daughter!

cjel · 18/12/2013 23:17

I am only speaking from my experience and a family of 14 people decided not to hurt and embarrass their mother by telling her and decide on balance that she probably knew already as it wasn't hidden very well as in this case, and that their dm was really happy with her life and it would be very cruel to upset her in this way. If she had found out later that dd had known they had the sort of relationship where she would have understood the reason for not wanting to hurt her. There is much more chance of her being devastated for life by this being brought out into the open.

It was rare for 14 adults to agree in this family in this way but we all did.

wannaBe · 18/12/2013 23:21

so if he hasn't been confronted with the knowledge that he is having an affair then nobody need be any the wiser. he's been asked, he hasn't answered, so leave it at that. As it is the op had no right to snoop through his personal emails/internet history. and what possible justification can there be for searching the internet history on someone else's computer? get real - the op was looking for something and she found it. something she had no right to go looking for, it's her parent's marriage not hers.

Although given the op hasn't been back I wonder if it's actually her writing the book instead of her father...

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 18/12/2013 23:23

OP come back!

Stay out of it.

My folks have been married for 45 years. I'm pretty sure they have BOTH had affairs, over the years, lots of shit goes down in a marriage. They have survived and lean on each other more than ever, are enjoying growing old together. I'm not sure that they would have survived if they had been subject to a microscope.