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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My dad is having an affair

153 replies

Beepwizz · 18/12/2013 19:45

My parents have been happily married for 36 years. This week I have discovered my dad is 'working away' every other week (he's retired but writing a book). I snooped on his computer and he is meeting a women for sex it seems ( it didn't take more than 2 minutes of history browsing to discover this).

Oh help what do I do? My brother has asked him in an email if he is having an affair... He avoided the question in his reply. Should I wade in with a passive aggressive text ( he is currently 'working away'). I am making myself ill with the stress of the knowledge I have. What's worse ... A bit explosion or turning a blind eye.

OP posts:
MerryBuddha · 18/12/2013 23:42

I have been in this situation. I turned a blind eye. I believe my mum knew but chose not too. He finally left my mum for her (after 3 years), though it turned out there had been a string of other women throughout their 30 year marriage.
I think you have to judge whether you think your mum would want to know, and go from there. I know I would but my mum was a different!!

Horrible position to be in.

Original poster
Beepwizz · 19/12/2013 06:06

Thank you all so much for giving me things to think about. To try to answer some questions....

We are a very close family. My parents see us most says and do my child care when I'm at work. My parents are very conservative and traditional ... This has the effect that we tend to sweep things under the carpet.

I actually saw their (dad and ow) messages by accident initially. A relative Skyped him on his iPad and he wanted me to say hi. Her messages popped up on screen as I talked. But I did then go back and check them.(rightly or wrongly)

For those of you that say "Don't do anything"/ none of my business... I would love to do that. My problem is that I love my mum and dad and unfortunately I am so emotionally involved that it's very hard to say "not my business". I love my mum and want to protect her.

My mum is clearly not a happy woman right now. I caught her crying and she said "dad is being a pain, he's in his own little world". I would say she suspects but is trying to give him the benefit if the doubt.

I think in some people replies I get the sense that they believe it's about personal choice on my dad's side. For me this isn't about sex it feels like a betrayal of our whole family. It makes me question everything our family does and stands for. Maybe that's not fair but it feels like he is cheating on all of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beepwizz · 19/12/2013 06:19

Just re reading everyone's messages. Thank you so much for all the insight etc. I appreciate the wisdom and experience that you have all shared. I am sorry I disappeared after my initial post. I have slept very badly this week and crashed as soon as I got the baby to sleep. (Now -oh joy- I'm up with my early rising toddler).

OP posts:
Original poster
Beepwizz · 19/12/2013 06:35

Can I also clarify that I didn't go through his emails. I don't know any passwords. I didn't really word what I did well in my op. The messages popped up during a Skype chat on his iPad (from FB), and I scanned back over the conversation.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 19/12/2013 06:36

You sound completely over-invested in your parents' marriage and sex life which is downright odd.

However, you also seem confident that it's your role to police their relationship so I doubt there's going to be any other outcome here than you watching it all blow up in your face.

zippey · 19/12/2013 06:37

I would get the evidence and ask your dad. I wouldn't blackmail him into telling but just letting him know that you know may prove the trigger to tell your mum, stop the affair or even just hide it better.

Of course it's your business, it's your mum. If the situation was reversed and it was happening to your child, you would want to confront.

Original poster
Beepwizz · 19/12/2013 06:38

To answer another persons question; yes I discussed this with my brother who lives in America. Funny that that's makes me sound young. We are a very close family.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 19/12/2013 06:40

It was me that said you sound young because you seem to see the world in black and white.

Original poster
Beepwizz · 19/12/2013 06:42

Are other people not invested in their parents happiness jean? I stumble upon my fathers infidelity and get upset. I wish I didn't care.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 19/12/2013 06:44

I also said I can understand it's a very upsetting situation. It's still none of your business.

mammadiggingdeep · 19/12/2013 06:46

I don't think it sounds odd or that you're too emotionally involved in your parents lives/marriage. Messages popped up on the screen, how are you supposed up just forget about it?! You would agonise over whether to tell a friend, let alone your mum.

If sounds as if your mum is already feeling something is wrong. Maybe try talking to your dad again and tell him you know and ask him what he is intending?? I'd he going to leave your mum?? It sounds quite serious if he's spending alternate weeks away with her.

Original poster
Beepwizz · 19/12/2013 06:46

I do see this as more black and white than other things but I also agree with you jean that nothing is ever simple and one sided. It's just hard when it happens to you.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 19/12/2013 06:48

Beep whizz- I'm from a very close family too and if I'd seen the messages about my dad I'd have done everything as you have done.

3bunnies · 19/12/2013 07:02

I think the responses might be partly because people are projecting their own images of their parents onto the situation. Both my parents are octogenarians and been married for maybe 10 yrs longer and I just can't imagine it and how either one would cope without the other. I think the word retired makes us think about someone older a year or two from residential care. Particularly someone (not OP saying that maybe they have an agreement as she has gone off sex).

The parents in question could have taken early retirement and still be in their 50s or maybe early 60s. If a MN of this age posted about finding out that a friend's husband of this sort of age was having an affair then the consensus would probably be that although the messenger might be shot the husband should be persuaded to tell his wife otherwise the MNetter would. Age shouldn't come into it, the mother is suspicious already, as someone else said he could be embarking on a whole other family and changing nappies in his week writing his book. Not sure though whether kinder to sit on it over Christmas, you know your family best.

AngryBuddha · 19/12/2013 07:07

As your mum is already upset, knows something is wrong. I think you are allowed to try and change this. Speak to your dad.

Good luck.

Lazyjaney · 19/12/2013 07:13

I think OP you are confusing being "close" with being interfering.

Original poster
Beepwizz · 19/12/2013 07:16

Thank you mamma

My plan of action is to confront my dad tonight. I'm fetching him from the train. But I will endeavour to keep my temper and be kind. (I really do love my dad and I think that has to be unconditional). I will say that I know, that it's not on but that the rest is in his hands. It is his marriage. I can predict that he will deny it, but I'll try to update.

OP posts:
batteryhen · 19/12/2013 07:17

I don't understand how people say it's non of your business. Someone you love is being hurt. Of course you want to protect your mum. Maybe some people have a very different idea of love, but I would definitely speak to my dad if it were me.
I wouldn't speak directly to my mum, as she may already know and just want to ignore it.
But yes, it's your business, this is not a random person we are talking about it's your mum and I for one would want to protect her.

Original poster
Beepwizz · 19/12/2013 07:20

He's 69

OP posts:
FloWhite · 19/12/2013 07:32

Beep my DD found out her DF was having an affair. She didn't tell me, she begged her DF to do that (he refused). She was much younger than you, but after I found out for myself she told me she'd felt absolutely awful.

She wasn't overinvested in our marriage, wasn't snooping, she didn't want to see me hurt, her parents divorce (which we did). What a bloody awful position to be in - damned if she did etc……I've always told her that whatever she'd have done it would have been the right thing.

The end result is she doesn't have a relationship with her DF and she's ok with that on an intellectual level but her belief is that his betrayal was of his family, not only of me. I see you as stuck in the same position - thank goodness you CAN talk to your DB and support each other if you decide to leave your DF to do whatever.

Original poster
Beepwizz · 19/12/2013 07:42

Thank you flo. I heard my own mothers voice in your post! Your dd did a great job. I hope I can emulate her. It does feel like a family betrayal even though I am an adult with my own family.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 19/12/2013 07:56

My plan of action is to confront my dad tonight

Be prepared that you'll get exactly the same response as to the email. Silence. Then you have to let it go.

Original poster
Beepwizz · 19/12/2013 08:06

jean I think your right. I think anything more is overstepping the mark. I don't want to descend into treating him like a child.

My priority will then be looking after mum. Making sure she feels loved and cared for by me, my dh and my dc's.

OP posts:
Lazyjaney · 19/12/2013 08:11

"My plan of action is to confront my dad tonight"

Cue post in X weeks wailing about all sorts of unintended - though totally predictable - consequences.

DontstepontheBaubles · 19/12/2013 08:13

Good luck beepwizz

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