Mid 30's women and the desert that is dating at that age.

[leopardprintsock]

It seems to be a difficult age,

1. not many single men about, the decent ones are married, the ones that are left tend to be single for a reason
2. recently seperated/ divorced men seem to want to play the field and tend to be very bitter and/ or just want to shag around
3. when they are ready for something serious they look a lot younger ( as experienced at work this week, when a portly 43 year old man asked out a hot 24 year old woman who has just started working there, im the next youngest, single person to him, but i was totally over looked)

Bit of an observation, just wondering if anyone had thought the same, or experienced the same.

Coffee I was single from about 18 through to 28. Then about 30 through to 35. So I definitely understand.

I had health issues that prevented me from getting out there and hugely affected my confidence. I didn't have children though, so I wasn't having to try and juggle childcare.

I am a great believer of fate and I think if OPs guy is out there, he will find her. But she has to be proactive herself and even though OD has a lot of issues and drawbacks, at least it's accessible from your front room whilst your child is in bed.

But Bant, you haven't been taken off the market by now!

The people on might have had several months in a relationship in the meantime.

I can understand where the OP is coming from, seems there is a bit of a thread derail by some posters, but generally it makes interesting reading.

I have had very similar experiences myself, My last date brought along a pet lizzard in a box! so fear not OP, its not just you.

I think those that meet someone tend to have just struck lucky really, or if they are being honest, probably have horror stories of their own to tell.

Anyways, it makes me feel better to know im not the only one whos finding it a bit less than easy.

Quite, TheDoctrineOfSanta.

"Taken off the market" isn't really a very pleasant phrase anyway, is it? Makes it sound as if the the women on dating sites are commodities, passively waiting there to be picked by a man.

Presumably lots of them ARE meeting people, being in relationships, & possibly also being quite choosy & deciding that they don't want to pursue things with particular men?

I'm 43, been single nearly ten years, trying online dating, but I'm a single parent and it's difficult to find someone to look aftery son. I've gone and got myself a cat :)

Quite

And how judgemental, when they havent spoken or even met them, to make that assumption.

still, i supose these woman possibly wouldnt want to date people so narrow minded, so it all works out ok :)

feelinlucky - how lovely :) Hows cat owernership going.

Westerwindy - Just reading back i think the OP says shes not dating at the moment and hasnt for a while, so im confused regarding your adivce that she should stop dating when she already has.

Bant I've been on one site over two years on and off. Part of the reason I've been on so long is that I'm a fussy begger, and I don't do this multiple dating thing lots do. So I have very few dates.

I would love to believe in fate but having been single for six years I gave up hoping to meet the man of my dreams by natural causes! If only could rely on fate......

In terms of "taken off the market" I was on match exactly a year ago - went on a couple of dates, met someone who I thought was great, went out with him for seven months, found out he was a total nutter (which he kept well hidden so suppose better to find out then!) and am now back a year later. I see a lot of familiar faces from a year ago but other than the ones I went out with (two dates and the seven month guy who was straight back on days after ending what I thought was an actual relationship) that would not put me off.

Men definitely have a different take to me. I went out on a date last week with a guy who had been separated from his wife of c15 years for less than two years and had already had a relationship. Whereas I was with the father of my son for five years and it took me six years to get back in the saddle (metaphorically and literally)

Starting new hobbies in a great idea but as OP noted if you are a single parent with limited childcare you really have to focus on the free time. I regularly run and swim (and sadly have not met any likely men in either of those activities) and go out with friends but I rely on family to babysit or to fit things in around DS's activities so can be difficult.

I think it is easy for people who are in a happy relationship to say "oh but I met my lovely DP on match" and "of course there are loads of great men out there" but when you are single and keen to meet someone it is a bit bleak.

Is hard not to just give up and accept a life of spinsterhood... Most of the time I am fine as am busy and have plenty of stuff to do but evenings can be lonely as can holidays when everyone has their family.

OP maybe we can set up our own dating agency.

My kitty cat is beautiful. I'm obsessed and officially a mad cat lady after only 3 weeks of ownership. I'm afraid I have officially given up trying to date. It's a shame really because I'm really rather gorgeous :)

Girls you are making me feel like I need to go hunt down some men for you. I hate the thought that people are just giving up when I'm sure there are so lively guys who just haven't found you yet.

There are SO many dating sites out there. Over the years i used quite a few but found my significant relationships on the free ones.

The thing is, from my own experience, if say, you have given it a good go, in my case 7 years.
And if you havent met anyone,
you either have to sort of accept it, and be happy with what you have, but open to things in rl happening
or
You just keep going, getting more and more jaded, fed up and dejected.

Im sure there are lovely guys out there, and i think thats what the original post was about, that maybe its just a difficult age thats making it that little bit harder.

There are some (perhaps unintentionally) patronising and smug posts on this thread. It is possible to meet a man in his 30's-40's looking for a relationship online (just like it's possible to win the lottery, albeit unlikely), however more often than not those men are, for various reasons, unappealing. Not just in a physical attraction way, but in terms of intelligence, life goals, attitudes etc. If you have reasonably high standards and are not willing to put up with bullshit, you are searching for a needle in a very large haystack.

I spent a LONG time od'ing. I found it a hugely negative and unpleasant experience, which fucked up my self esteem. I did meet someone eventually, who I am probably more compatible with than anyone I've dated (even before OD). Despite that, part of me wishes I'd never bothered with OD, because of all the crap that came with it!

FunnyFestive, I think that you make a good point in saying your DP admired you because you didn't need him. My DH has said exactly the same thing to me before - I had (have) a great career, great social life etc and would have been find without him and he found that very attractive.

I really struggle to meet anybody, I wouldn't say I've given up but I do wonder how I'm going to meet a future husband!

Really glad to hear some other people having similar experiences to mine
I have given up too. Shall we form some kind of cat-worshipping all-female commune?

Ha - I have 2 cats! Is this how it starts?

bant - "...but I keep occasionally going back and seeing if there is someone who I find attractive, interesting, pleasant and amusing, and not mad as a box of frogs."

I'm starting to find now as I'm getting older and in my late thirties that mad as a box of frogs might be a bit more of an interesting trait in a woman, rather than, "I like a glass of red, and travelling in Tibet".

mademan - I find interestingly quirky attractive, someone with a wry eye for life, but I've met (or at least corresponded with) some people who are angry, narcissistic, and some who seem to have only a tenuous grasp on reality. And the ones of the stalkerish persuasion, they're always somewhat unnerving.

Those ones I'll pass on :)

Its interesting how men feel they are allowed to say negative things about women on dating sites, yet when a woman says something along a similar vein, she gets a ton of shit thrown at her.

Quite. Well said.

I think the thread started with generalisations about men being single for a reason, bitter, serial shaggers or overlooking the OP for someone younger.

I find it interesting that when generalisations about men are thrown around, some people nod and agree, and yet when someone points out that men face the same problems, those people take offence.

I'm just pointing out that meeting anyone decent on a dating site is difficult, there are men who act horribly, and shag and run, and there are women who are rude, who lie about their appearance and/or age, and who are embittered and angry. Finding a decent woman isn't easy either.

well in that case bant, why didnt you say that instead of trying to belittle the op and rip her apart.

cheese - I haven't belittled the OP, or ripped her apart. I haven't insulted her - the only possibly things I've said which could possibly be seen negatively are that she didn't give enough information in her OP about not working in an office, or the 24 year old earning more than the 43 year old, that she worked in a place with people who seemed judgemental, and that maybe she was overlooked because she wasn't the 43 year-old's type, lookswise. None of those things are insults or belittling.

Of course because I dare to disagree with the tone of the OP's post, the 'oh woe, all men are stupid because they don't go for women in their mid-30s' and I point out that I do, but some of them have issues so I don't ask them out again. From my perspective that's sensible. I have a good red-flag radar, some of them are narcissistic and unpleasant and lie about their age, some of them see me as a potential sperm donor and are mostly interested in that aspect.

From their perspective I'm a moron who isn't interested in someone wonderful and fantastic and great, and obviously I must be a serial shagger or chasing 20 year olds when in fact I'm neither.

So. No insults to the OP. I learned my lesson when I once said something oblique about WatchForThatSnail being unable to accept criticism in another thread and was summarily banned because she took offence. Oh but then Mumsnet banned her, if I remember correctly, especially after she namechanged and came back again and again and carried on doing the same old thing. So obviously the OP isn't her. Obviously.

did it maybe cross you mind that you dont fall into any of those categorys, so the OP didnt mean you. Unless of course the OP has dated you.

Im also sure it was written that it wasnt ALL men, but a bit of a general trend, which a fair amount of posters have agreed they have found to be the case.

wouldnt it also be that maybe you are unable to take criticism, seeing as you have taken personal offence and deemed a post on an anonymous internet forum to specifically mean you.

I dont know the beef and cant make much sense of your last bit, but you sound a bit odd. So lets just leave it at that. Good luck finding a more interesting, non mad woman.