Mid 30's women and the desert that is dating at that age.

[leopardprintsock]

It seems to be a difficult age,

1. not many single men about, the decent ones are married, the ones that are left tend to be single for a reason
2. recently seperated/ divorced men seem to want to play the field and tend to be very bitter and/ or just want to shag around
3. when they are ready for something serious they look a lot younger ( as experienced at work this week, when a portly 43 year old man asked out a hot 24 year old woman who has just started working there, im the next youngest, single person to him, but i was totally over looked)

Bit of an observation, just wondering if anyone had thought the same, or experienced the same.

You've just got to keep searching for the proverbial needle in the haystack of love

They are out there. Things that helped me was I actively avoided anyone who was a good time lad. You know always out in the lash, profile covered in mates pics etc. not because there is anything wrong with that, I just knew my lifestyle wouldn't gel as I am a quiet type who like a small life.

I also gave a wide berth to the bragging profiles where they bang on about their big job and their flash car. Errrm lovely but no thank you.

The bitter man profiles, the angry pedant speller profiles, anyone that called themselves 'a nice guy' and then went on a victim rant about how all girls go for bad boys etc. Anyone that was a premium member as to my mind they'd been on there too long and for that there would be a reason, anyone with a budgie on their head (long story).

I would also recommend both meeting straight away and taking it very very slow. I always found anything between that went nowhere, I have no idea why!!

PJ day - but do you think its the age thing that makes it fine, someone upthread said they were 49.... and found somone easily.
The whole point of this thread was that i was wondering if mid 30's was a funny age for dating. Lots of people are settled down, have young children. Less socalising happens, because of said young children. The newly divorced ones mostly just want to shag about because they can, and they arent ready to settle down again.
The ones that have never been in any kind of relationship, it tends to be for a reason ( in MY experience, having given lots of them chances with dating)
Ones with older children dont want to date those with younger ones, or if they do want children, they are looking at women of a younger age.

Of course there will be those that buck this, but it seems to me, that thats the general trend.

I was just wondering if others had thought the same and if there might be a new wave of divorced, but have calmed down, men, at about my early 40's or if i should just give up and buy lots of cats :)

I also avoided people that had a hobby that seemed to dominate their lives ( I knew it would encroach on every bloody weekend and I'd end up having to go with then or something) and also those who seemed to be extreme sports fanatics. You know, ooooh I spent the weekend sky diving off Mount Everest before I flew to Monaco and watched the Formula One race.

I was both suspicious and underwhelmed. The reason my partners dating profile stood out was it was understated and minimal, he'd only been on there about a week and his photos were really tragic in a cute way.

1. not many single men about, the decent ones are married, the ones that are left tend to be single for a reason

So all men fall into these two very distinct social groups? Of course not.

2. recently seperated/ divorced men seem to want to play the field and tend to be very bitter and/ or just want to shag around

Possible, but that's dating isn't it? 'Blokes shagging around' is just them (some of them anyway) trying to find someone that they are compatible with who they may want to embark on a 'proper' relationship with.

3. when they are ready for something serious they look a lot younger ( as experienced at work this week, when a portly 43 year old man asked out a hot 24 year old woman who has just started working there, im the next youngest, single person to him, but i was totally over looked)

I guess that some do- but I am guessing said portly 43 year old may struggle to find someone younger. In my experience, I found that I didn't have a lot in girls a lot younger than me and age wasn't a factor in my dating. Me and my partner have a 7 year age gap.

Im not on any dating sites at the moment, as i cant find any motivation, im of the ' ill see what RL throws at me' which is entirely nothing :)

Ive also dated a high percentage of men on there. It the same old faces. In the summer i had one contact me and ask me out, who had actually already had a first date with me, two years previously. I reminded him of that fact, which he eventually remembered. He begged for about 3 weeks daily for me to meet him again, eventually i lost patience and said no, what would be the point if he hadnt wanted to see me again the first time round. His response, well, i quite like the look of your chebs and want to see if they are as good as i remember.

He was 39, good job, nice clothes from joules, liked culture, had been boring as hell on the date but i would have seen him again to see if it was just nerves. And thats what he came out with.

amendment to above...lot in COMMON WITH girls a lot younger than me and age wasn't a factor in my dating.

Well get back on them again and do a search on guys that have just signed up in the last month or so. Seriously you have to be in it to win it and if your RL social circle isn't providing you with enough opportunity you have to widen it.

It really does depend in whether you do want to meet someone really. Sometimes when our heart isn't really in it we just come up with excuses as to why we can't find someone when actually our actions are making it very unlikely to do so.

You're right, I made the assumption that a 24 year old woman earned less than a 43 year old man. Silly me. Generally, statistically speaking, though, that is usually the case. I wasn't making stuff up, I was making assumptions based on limited information in your post.

I have seen a lot of couples where the woman is more attractive than the man, often there is a significant age difference, and the man is often wealthier, or charming and witty, or both. Presumably they approached the younger woman and asked her out in the first place as that's generally the way. I've also seen older blokes approach younger attractive women and try to chat them up, and fail. I don't laugh at the bloke, that's just part of dating - finding someone attractive and seeing if they find you attractive in return. Sometimes you will go for someone who others may think is out of your league, and on those rare occasions where they do fancy you back, and you get on well with them and a relationship develops, you end up thanking your lucky stars that you're lucky enough to be with them and you had the balls to ask them out in the first place.

Maybe the portly guy overlooked you because you're just not his type? Looks-wise, or something.

There are decent single men in their 30s and early 40s who do online dating, I've been doing it for a while and it's rare that I meet a woman who I really want a second date with, because of various issues I listed above (plus in my case a significant language/culture barrier) but I keep occasionally going back and seeing if there is someone who I find attractive, interesting, pleasant and amusing, and not mad as a box of frogs.

didnt realise i had to post total, full information, in case someone wanted to mirco analyise it in order to pull it apart to prove their point. sorry.

I wouldnt touch the portly guy with a barge pole as hes a bit of a train wreck right now, break of up marriage, kids not seeing him, telling everyone about it and generally making a show of himself.

I would want to date someone who has their life together and is coming from a sorted place. If this makes me a bitter harridan, then so be it.

Hi Leopard

I totally get where you are coming from. I recently turned 40 and was single for six years in my mid - late thirties. By single I mean total wilderness, celebate, not a sniff of any action for six full years....

I left my partner just before DS was two as I was so unhappy having found myself with effectively two children - a baby and a teenage boy (ExP was 33 going on 18).

The six years flew by as I concentrated on providing a stable and loving home for DS and my career and postgraduate study. When I finished my PG course I was 39 and DS was seven and I realised that if I did not "get out there" I was going to remain single and it was only 10 years or so until DS would leave. Choice was either to get self a cat (and a vibrator) or give online dating a whirl. (all my friends and colleagues are single and my workplace is so not an option for meeting potential partners).

I joined match this time last year. I found it soul destroying. There are a lot of men single men who have never married or had kids age 30 - 45 which I was surprised by. The vast majority are looking for younger women - men of 40 looking for 25 year olds etc. I have been on quite a few dates and had a relationship with one such guy which ended oddly so am back to square one and now am over 40 so feel will be hard to find someone. I totally agree with what you are saying and feel the same myself.

I think that it is fair to say that there are a lot of men in their late thirties who are single for a reason - there are "toxic bachelors" who use online dating to meet (and sleep with lots of women - my friend has encountered many of these online...), there are emotionally immature men who simply are not capable of sustaining and adult relationship (know this from bitter experience!), I would love to meet someone and I am fairly flexible - my bottom line is "not physically repulsive and can make me laugh" but am not having much luck....

Do I renew my match membership or get myself to the cat sanctuary and ann summers?

gilmore :)

Same situation here, I dont have a big check list, Nice, Normal ( thats a newer entry) as is not a dick.

You wouldnt think it would be hard, but it is.

other than the toxic bachelors, there are also the totally socially inept, of which i have given lots a chance, and then totally regretted it. When i think back i do feel a bit sick. Ive had dates with men who admit to living with rodents, not pets, actual mice but say they are too lazy to deal with it, those that still live at home at the age of nearly 40. Those who are rude, admit to strange fetishes, tell me about past sexually odd encouters on the first date, Men who dont talk then leave 10 mins later, Mad stalkers, Men who end up crying and so it goes on.

Ive got a 50% off match thing, i had a quick look yesterday, thinking i might have a go in the new year ( again) however, most of the faces are the same that they were 9 or so months ago. So i cant bring myself to pay for the pleasure of that.

I'm just wondering what else one could go besides internet dating to meet more people and hopefully a partner? I was advised to take up salsa. And even bought some shoes for the purpose before I suddenly met my DP and never got around to it.

If you could start a local based hobby that had a great social scene I think that would be a good start gilmoregirl

the thing is, when you are a lone parent, finding the time, money and babysitters to take up an extra hobby is really, very very difficult.

I got free tickets to something this week, do you think i could find a sitter? could i hell, must have called about 15 people. People have their own lifes and committments,and thats fine and i understand that. So, i just sat in, on my own. Again.

Bless you. Yep, I can see how that can become the norm.

Hmmm. I wonder whether you really need a partner who also has children and so they totally get the situation? Have you tried searching based on that criteria?

yes, i have realised that would be ideal. And yes i have, but again, seems to be the same situation.

Either they have young children themselves and have as little free time as me, or, are deadbeat dads ( and i dont want to get involved) or, have older children and dont want to to know someone with a younger child etc etc..

This thread reminds me of a Scouting For Girls lyric -

^She's flirty turned thirty
About the age a girl gets really dirty.^

^A stunner, I want her
Was she this fit when she was 10 years younger?^

Ooh, what happened to my italics?!

Again I can see that. Hmmmm cats and a vibrator then lol

I have dated my fair share of younger men :)

Thing is, there is something about hearing their mum call them for dinner, or ask if they have any washing, while they are on the phone to you, that kills my libido.

All fine for casual things, but i cant have a serious relationship with a man whos mum still washes his pants.

hence the thread. I have an acquaintance, she is the same age as me, she has done online dating and has had lots of ' boyfriends' who she has introduced to her children, family and friends, noone have lasted longer than 3 weeks. The one shes currently dating chased me on and off for 2 years, and i wouldnt even reply to him, hes that bad. She would come on here and say how it was easy to find men at this age......

dating itself isnt hard, finding someone decent is.

Well, it's the same from my perspective. If I log into one of those sites, I see the same women's profiles that were on there a year ago. I've never spoken to most of them, haven't met them - but for some reason the fact they're still online after a year puts me off.

Partly I think 'well if they haven't been taken off the market by now, there must be something wrong with them' - and given my experiences with meeting rude or dull women on dates, I just presume they're the same.

So I prefer meeting people in real life, you can tell if there is chemistry or a connection fairly quickly, find out if they're single from mutual friends, and the fact that they are friends of friends means that you're more likely to have something in common.

Have you tried dating sites that are for parents? You might have more luck there. It rules out the 'never married/had kids' group and hopefully the 'living with mum' group and might have more people who are on the same page re. finding time to date with kids/dating in child friendly places.

I would give the long-term daters a try. I think people join and then don't cancel their membership so can be on there for a long time without actually actively dating for a year+. Or maybe they're holding out for the right man/woman...which could be you

There was quite a prolific poster on here a few months ago OP who had very similar experiences to you - might be worth searching in the archives (although I think she got banned so I'm not sure if her posts will have disappeared).

You sound quite cynical and jaded about men and dating and it might be time for a proper break to concentrate on other things.

OD can be great, by the way - I am only a couple of years older than you but have met the most wonderful man on Match. When I was dating, I found a lot of men who were suitable dates - everyone I met up with (with one exception) was actually a nice guy, there just wasn't a "spark" or whatever you want to call it. I certainly wasn't having to wade through a big pool of men who were bitter or "single for a reason" or looking for someone twenty years younger.

leopard - I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on this thread. Yes, OD can be fun, but I think many of the people on this thread are coming from the perspective that they had a LTR/marriage which began in their 20s & ended in their 30s, and now they're dating. In my experience, having been single all through my 20s and wanting a LTR/marriage in my 30s, it's pretty different.

Yes, dating is fun; but if you're looking for an LTR and have been dating for ages and just want the thing that all your friends have had for 10+ years, it can be depressing too!

I did OD from the age of 24-34 - yep, ten whole years. It was fun at first, but after a while you get jaded!