Is it unsustainable to be the perfect wife?

[flummoxedbanana]

A friend commented today that I need to stop the 'perfect wife act' at some point. I'd never thoughtof it being an act, though perhaps it's quite old-fashioned.

I do literally everything for the children. Dh has never been woken or dealt with them at night, I organise and do absolutely everything for them. I do all the cooking and housework, including jobs like putting the bins out, cleaning pets out, going to the tip etc. I do all food shopping, buy all presents, send relevant cards to his family members. I buy his favourite things and stock the fridge with beer for his days off. I make the effort sexually to send flirty messages and pictures, dress up, take charge etc. I take an interest and support him in his career. I encourage him to go out with friends, I don't lecture him or anything.

I don't feel obliged to do these things. I love him, enjoy my life and am the sort of person that gets most enjoyment from making others happy. Is it unsustainable to remain this way do you think?

I think your 'perfect wife' stance is actually very selfish. You are not sharing.

Does your husband get to feel any satisfaction in being a parent, or do you want all the sense of achievement and the credit?

And what about your children? It gives a bad message to both sons and daughters. They may struggle with grown-up, equal relationships.

Maybe she knows something you don't and is afraid to tell you.

And will you be one of those MILs who just needs to be involved and "help" their children?

I do wonder if you are doing it from a position of selflessness or actually selfishness.

I don't see why the OP has taken such stick. My DH does the garden and the bins and loves us. I do pretty much everything the OP does although the DC are older teenagers now. I have about 5 hours of paid help a week and work full-time. I am out of the house for about 10 hours a day; DH is out of the house for about 12-14 hours a day. I go to work because I want to and I think it is important for women to have a life outside the home. I was a sAhm until our youngest was 5.

Our individual contributions to the family unit are in my opinion equal. Add in the fact that I earn one tenth of what my husband earns (possible even less than that now) and do I have any regrets for supporting him to the hilt - especially when the DC were small years and years ago when he was building his reputation. No, I don't. He has loved us, been faithful, is kind, is moral and I still love him as much as I did on the day I married him.

Interestingly our son who is on a gap year and nearly 19 and who has matured hugely in the last six months turned round to me yesterday and said "mum I really realise now how much you and dad have really really cared for me and xxxx". Worth it; yes of course it is.

op - if you are happy, fuck everyone else

Yes, how dare you enjoy your life OP, your DH is clearly failing you by not making you miserable and resentful. That's abuse, you know. Time to Leave The Bastard.

(Agendas out in force here I see...)

near let's hope though that he doesn't expect looking after in his future adult relationships.
Genuine question btw as I've 3 adult sons who's partners are very grateful they can look after themselves.
With the op I'd be very worried about the children's future relationships as a subservient woman is hard to find these days so conflicts could occur.

As an aside I don't think I could have sex with someone I waited on hand and foot, it would seem weird.

Sorry OP I posted on your other thread and recognised your name. There is no way that the behaviour of your DH can be classed as kind, patient and prioritising to your children especially the younger one. Ditto for the loving towards the baby happy to take her when she is seeking comfort from you.

I'd listen to your friend.

If you do all that and he still behaves as described previously then I would seriously consider ltb as he really has no incentive to be any different and the children will resent him

Op, aren't you the one with the DH who will come up to where your baby daughter is crying and reaching for you, and he will pick her up and take her into another room and shut the door? She hates having her nappy changed so he bears down on her going 'time for your nappy change' until she is crying and clinging to you? This is the same DH who has previously plonked your youngest DD on you when you were having reading time with your eldest, because your eldest isn't his, and he didn't like the closeness?

That thread was still going on the weekend but two days later you start a thread basically saying you're living the dream and he's great with the kids? I'm glad your situation has turned around but how did you get it to change so much so fast?

Ah, I know that thread.

Had a feeling there was something else going on here.

Hmmm, the plot thickens

I remember that thread.

Just searched your other threads.

Unsurprisingly, you have a history of abusive relationships. Your OP on this thread is the OP of a self-abnegating, enabling, people-pleaser.

I hope your light bulb moment comes that gets you working on your self esteem. Yes, it's nice to do things for others. But you deserve to be your own champion, too.

"With the op I'd be very worried about the children's future relationships as a subservient woman is hard to find these days so conflicts could occur."

This is quite a powerful argument (albeit one where some emotional blackmail comes into play). If someone suggests that you, as mother, should be running around after your sons, you can retort "I don't want them left on the scrapheap of the marriage market." IME the point gets through quite fast

See! This type if relationship could never be healthy.
How could it be?
How sad. Op is minimising both the nastiness of her dh and her own feelings by trying to be "the perfect wife"

bonsoir as a grandma it's also very moving to watch my ds with his ds and see what a hands on and terrific father he is.
Makes me very proud

To back up a little bit.

Was the implication that 20k is a heavy weight?

Really?

No wonder so many women have poor bone density!

What?! I didn't read the other thread, but from what's been written above the husband sounds awful.

OP - please explain, are you in denial about his behaviour?

Surely being in a relationship and having a family with someone is about sharing and working together as a team. If you're doing it all it doesn't leave room for your partner to enjoy spending time with his children, building a nice home environment etc.. Also, as previously said, it does set a bad example for your children.

Earlier this week, you said that you love the idea of being a family but that the reality just isn't working. So why say you are happy?

And where are you?!

I've seen a few threads over the years with OPs like this and I can't recall it ever turning out any different. It always emerges that the women concerned are in abusive relationships, have lost hope of change and have turned into surrendered wives in a vain attempt to ward off further abuse. Obviously that never works either and in fact the situation becomes worse, because the woman keels over from exhaustion, can never shake the guilt that her children are being damaged by the man she won't leave and that the version of a 'relationship' her and her misogynist partner are modelling fucks the kids up for the rest of their lives.

Usually at some point the surrendered wife gets dumped for an OW anyway and this is a shock because these women believed all the bollocks about perfect wifedom having magical anti-infidelity powers...

OP your friend is a shrewd cookie.

She knows that you're fooling no-one.

She also knows that no man worth having wants a partner like this, or wants to opt out of parenting to the extent your husband does.

Oh op, you are clearly contradicting yourself thread by thread.

Which is it then? You're the perfect wife leading a very happy life or not?

Fwiw- being the perfect wife has never been an aspiration of mine.

In my experience, starting with a 7lb baby and doing daily toddler-hefting for years makes most of us very capable of heavy lifting.

Birdseed? Pah!

Just read your other thread. This is all bollocks isn't it?