Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it unsustainable to be the perfect wife?

158 replies

flummoxedbanana · 10/12/2013 23:02

A friend commented today that I need to stop the 'perfect wife act' at some point. I'd never thoughtof it being an act, though perhaps it's quite old-fashioned.

I do literally everything for the children. Dh has never been woken or dealt with them at night, I organise and do absolutely everything for them. I do all the cooking and housework, including jobs like putting the bins out, cleaning pets out, going to the tip etc. I do all food shopping, buy all presents, send relevant cards to his family members. I buy his favourite things and stock the fridge with beer for his days off. I make the effort sexually to send flirty messages and pictures, dress up, take charge etc. I take an interest and support him in his career. I encourage him to go out with friends, I don't lecture him or anything.

I don't feel obliged to do these things. I love him, enjoy my life and am the sort of person that gets most enjoyment from making others happy. Is it unsustainable to remain this way do you think?

OP posts:
Ilovekittyelise · 10/12/2013 23:28

not that this should dictate whether or not you do all the housework, but do you work? if so the distributiom of labour def unfair.

Diagonally · 10/12/2013 23:28

Is this a good friend, how long have you known each other?

Friends can sometimes pick up on things. Why do you think she mentioned it?

RhondaJean · 10/12/2013 23:30

Bloody hell. I suppose it's sustainable as long as you keep going but surely your life is worth more than just facilitating other people to swan through theirs with ease. Don't you want to achieve anything for yourself? How old are your kids? Are you reaching them how to look after themselves if old enough?

Men are one thing (and my preference is for an adult man who can shoulder his half of ALL types of responsibility) but it is surely an unkindness to do "everything" for children and IMO is more about you making yourself appear invaluable than supporting them to become fully functioning adults.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 10/12/2013 23:30

I would be confused as to why DH didn't want to step up sometimes. His DM would have bloody killed him sooner than watch him eat a meal and not clear/wash up. I [heart] my late MIL.

Heathcliff27 · 10/12/2013 23:30

tweasels Xmas Grin

basgetti · 10/12/2013 23:31

It is up to you how you live your life but I'm not sure that waiting on a man hand and foot sets a great example for your children.

Original poster
flummoxedbanana · 10/12/2013 23:31

I've known her for twelve years. Yes I do work but from home. There's been a few comments that it's all too good to be true and bound to go downhill one day Confused

OP posts:
wonderstuff · 10/12/2013 23:33

How long have you been living like this?

TheZeeTeam · 10/12/2013 23:33

I guess the only concern would be that if you derive so much of your happiness and self worth from making your family happy, what will you do when they grow up and don't need you quite as much any more? That can be a real bash to one's self esteem.

wonderstuff · 10/12/2013 23:34

I know one woman who lives like this, I wonder if one day she's going to wake up to how unequal it is. I worry about her self esteem.

Original poster
flummoxedbanana · 10/12/2013 23:35

I have a degree and a successful career. Kids are 6 yrs and 18 months but very confident and capable.

OP posts:
MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 10/12/2013 23:36

Does the 6 year old have chores because studies show that chores are good for children's development?

TheZeeTeam · 10/12/2013 23:36

There you go then, you're sorted! Well done! You know, there are literally thousands of people on MN that are happily married though. It's not that hard!

stickysausages · 10/12/2013 23:37

Hatie Kopkins... is that you??????

Original poster
flummoxedbanana · 10/12/2013 23:38

Yes, TheZeeTeam, I have considered that. I find myself now feeling like a spare part at times because my six year old is fairly self-sufficient and 18 month old has become more independent. I do derive fulfillment from my career too though. I guess my life and priorities just changed when I first fell pregnant.

OP posts:
Original poster
flummoxedbanana · 10/12/2013 23:40

Chores?? Um not as such. She is helpful and considerate - I.e. Setting the table, taking plates to the kitchen, putting washing in basket, picking up after herself etc.

OP posts:
ilovesmurfs · 10/12/2013 23:41

Well I don't a think much of a man who doesn't do anything for hsi children, it's not exacltys ettogn a good example is it I'd you do all the housework and childcare. I want my sons to grow up with a hands on father who see that men can do this stuff as well, I certainly dotn want thm growing up thinking its 'women's work' which is essentially what your kids are learning.

TheZeeTeam · 10/12/2013 23:41

LOL at the independent 18 month old. Do they take themselves off in your car to meet their mates at the mall?!! Grin

Original poster
flummoxedbanana · 10/12/2013 23:43

Considering she was unputdownable til she could walk she feels bloody independent now Smile

OP posts:
MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 10/12/2013 23:44

Does the 6 year old do more around the house than her DF then? Yikes.

waltermittymissus · 10/12/2013 23:51

If your sux your old was a boy, would you expect him to do chores?

RhondaJean · 10/12/2013 23:52

Ok, so, you work, you do everything - what exactly is the purpose of your dh?

You aren't being a perfect wife, you're being a doormat IMO.

Twinklestein · 10/12/2013 23:53

If you work OP, why do you do everything at home?

Surely that means you are working, in all, more hours per week than your husband? Do you feel comfortable with that?

I think there's a difference between being a SAHM and being a servant.

HerrenaHarridan · 10/12/2013 23:56

People suggesting op might not be genuine should search her posting history or report rather than troll hunt on the thread.

Bizarre as this thread may seem I recognise the nn as its always made me laugh.

Wrt to the op.

It's not so much that its unsustainable, its unhealthy! You may not feel the urge to strive for 50/50 but you should at least be conscious of the example you're setting your kids.

Personally I couldn't maintain a relationship with someone that thought nothing of me doing all the donkey work. Even if they made me feel appreciated Shock

frenchsixth · 11/12/2013 00:03

Do you change the light bulbs? Or find out what is wrong if there is a power failure or whatever, and change a fuse if required?
Would you put up a shelf if it was needed?
Would you buy a 20kg bag of bird seed and carry it to the car then get it out of the boot and put it in the garage when you got home?
Would you clear the drains with rods from the trap outside if they got blocked?
Would you climb up ladders and cut off branches from a tree that was getting out of control?
Would you carry heavy suitcases or bags?
Do you wash the windows outside even if it involves going up a ladder?

As a man I'd feel completely ashamed of myself if I let my wife do any of these jobs. Nor would I ever leave it to her to take out the bins.
What's wrong with your husband that he doesn't want to do that?

The one thing that is fantastic about you is that you make the effort sexually, dress up and so on, and presumable give him a good sex life. If my wife cared enough for me to do that I'd be in heaven!

Swipe left for the next trending thread