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Original poster

Is it unsustainable to be the perfect wife?

158 replies

flummoxedbanana · 10/12/2013 23:02

A friend commented today that I need to stop the 'perfect wife act' at some point. I'd never thoughtof it being an act, though perhaps it's quite old-fashioned.

I do literally everything for the children. Dh has never been woken or dealt with them at night, I organise and do absolutely everything for them. I do all the cooking and housework, including jobs like putting the bins out, cleaning pets out, going to the tip etc. I do all food shopping, buy all presents, send relevant cards to his family members. I buy his favourite things and stock the fridge with beer for his days off. I make the effort sexually to send flirty messages and pictures, dress up, take charge etc. I take an interest and support him in his career. I encourage him to go out with friends, I don't lecture him or anything.

I don't feel obliged to do these things. I love him, enjoy my life and am the sort of person that gets most enjoyment from making others happy. Is it unsustainable to remain this way do you think?

OP posts:
MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 11/12/2013 01:07

John Moore's. That's a shit hole.

duchesse · 11/12/2013 01:07

London Metropolitan.

tinmug · 11/12/2013 01:07

a good university

I hear this often. Would you care to name a bad one?

How do you mean, you hear it often?

tinmug · 11/12/2013 01:09

You still didn't actually name a 'bad university'. Have you a problem with answering that?

You didn't ask her, you asked me.

tinmug · 11/12/2013 01:10

Wow! All hail the man who makes his own breakfast and can wash up the dishes!

Shock
duchesse · 11/12/2013 01:12

I know, right! What a catch!!

tinmug · 11/12/2013 01:15
duchesse · 11/12/2013 01:17

A few too many exclamations marks there, aren't there? I'm just so totally in awe of this grown man who can make his own breakfast *and^ wash the dishes. Hmm

duchesse · 11/12/2013 01:18

Thank goodness my DH is not a tosser and also believes in equality. He wouldn't be my DH if he didn't.

frenchsixth · 11/12/2013 02:29

Not everyone thinks badly of London Met - this student, for example:

^hi! I'm a former London Met student and like sjvie said despite the disorganization of the uni, I had a really good time there. the courses were really good and the teachers (most of my teachers anyway) were excellent, real down to earth, and I was able to to go to them for anything.
I know all the Masters students were able to get good jobs in their field right after graduating, one of them who was a Communications Major just came back from working for a news company in the Middle East for a year.^
Be careful of stating your opinion as if it were a fact.

frenchsixth · 11/12/2013 02:31

A duchesse would never marry a tosser. Not unless he had money and land maybe?

LuisCarol · 11/12/2013 02:43

I'd think most men feel like that surely?

No

Grokette · 11/12/2013 04:11

Who needs 20kg of birdseed?

nooka · 11/12/2013 05:22

In my mind no one is perfect in any case, but also taking on all the childcare functions prevents the other parent from having a full relationship with their children. So I'd see that as not 'perfect' at all. Plus the issues about setting a very poor example for your children with such an unequal household set up, where the father is more of a guest than a fully participating member.

I don't understand why any woman would want to behave like this, or why any self-respecting man would put up with it. I doesn't seem like a healthy dynamic at all.

flummoxed the things you say your dh gives you are of course great, but they are not an alternative to getting off his butt and contributing to running his household or parenting his children. Being generally nice to your wife and children should be a pretty normal expectation in a relationship after all.

Longtalljosie · 11/12/2013 05:39

OK. Well it's lovely that you're happy but you're not modelling a great role for your children - either of you. Are both your DCs girls? In some ways that's not so bad - it's boys who are destined for a tense marriage if they are raised to think housework is nothing to do with them and it's all done by pixies. But your girls may want careers - even demanding ones - and they're likely to put themselves under immense pressure if they think of the housework as being totally their preserve.

Joysmum · 11/12/2013 06:23

I think it's great to want to be the best you can be in a marriage. As a SAHM i do a lot at home too, but then he does a lot too, just not in the home and is paid to do it. In times gone by I was the main earner whilst he was only only £55pw as an apprentice.

I like to dress up and have a good sex life, he makes sure I'm satisfied every time and u feel sorry for people for whom sex isn't as exciting as it always was.

I like to make him happy and simplify his life as much as possible, he likes to do the same for me.

Could I remain as a SAHM for ever and only get pleasure from making others happy? No! And that's why hubby pushed for me to get something for me and I have my horse. It's also why I take on buy to lets and (to the horror of that previous male poster no doubt) do as much if the renovating as possible myself. I devote myself to making my marriage happy but I'm not perfect. My hubby also devote himself to making our marriage happy. We both do do in our own ways. Just because I do the majority of the home stuff, doesn't mean he does fuck all and doesn't mean I do everything or am the only one working hard to have the best marriage we can. I don't see the need to bleat on about equality or look for inequality because we've got ours right, well most if the time at least.

Mimishimi · 11/12/2013 06:55

I'd hate to be working full time and doing all the housework. Sadly I've seen lots of women in this situation and it has never been sustainable over the long term - something always gives, sometimes the marriage, often her health or that of the children (eg turning to fast food because no time to cook). If both partners are working full time, housework should ideally be split in half or outsourced.

LineRunner · 11/12/2013 06:57

I'm with Grokette. That's a lot of fucking bird seed to keep in a garage.

Thants · 11/12/2013 07:10

That's sad that your husband doesn't parent your children op.
Do you work?

Ilovekittyelise · 11/12/2013 07:14

sorry if my previous post sounded disrespectful to any sahms, even in those circumstances i would still expectmy husband to participate, just obviously the balance will be different.

is there something we are missing here? like, for example, are you quite controlling about how things are done and your husband just stays out the say so as not to annoy you? or is he just lazy and happy to sit back whilst you do everything?

either way i dont think its very healthy for you, and also as an example to be setting to children that after a long day at work mummy serves daddy. i know sahms whos partners come home and roll their sleeps up and get on, these families have a balance where the woman does more at home, but the children do not see their mother serving a man and runninh herself into the ground while a man sits on his arse watchinh tv.

personally, whilst im someone that works hard in and outside of the home and probably do a bit more in both arenas than most, my career is the pivotal factor in ensuring a healthy balance is shared by everyone in the family. if you work from home do you actually do all the work you set out to do each day or is this compromised by having to get that load of washing done etc? would you consider working outside the home where you would also benefit from adult conversation and perhaps seeing other women who enjoy hobbies and nights out with their friends?

RelaxingWithUncertainty · 11/12/2013 07:15

OP - some key questions:

What is the split of work if you are on holiday - camping/self catering?

What do you think will happen when you both retire?

How much time away from the DC do you get? Do you ever leave them for the weekend and if so can your DH function in the house without you?

Does he ever put DC to bed, bath them, read to them?

Talk us through a typical weekend. What is he doing when you are cooking/clearing up/researching activities etc?

Lazyjaney · 11/12/2013 07:22

Your friend is probably dissatisfied with her own life and jealous of you OP.

Some people love getting all domestic, some don't, as kids grow up things change so what works at 6 months doesn't at 6 and 16

Diagonally · 11/12/2013 07:24

Mimishimi wtf do you think all us working single parents do!

Of course it's not unsustainable to be working ft and doing everything around the house.

Whether it's right when there are two adults living in the home is another thing entirely.

If I had a partner then of course I would expect them to pitch in 50/50.

Anything else would feel like servitude and I would not want my DC to witness an unequal balance in terms of the division of labour in a partnership.

ShriekingGnawer · 11/12/2013 07:28

I bought a 20 kg bag of birdseed last week! Much cheaper than small bags. I managed to carry it to the car all by myself. and then my tits fell off and I grew a penis

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 11/12/2013 07:37

Is it sustainable? Depends how long you can take the strain.

I wonder why you do this, though. What's your self esteem like? How much time and freedom to pursue your own needs and interests do you think you deserve? What kind of a relationship role model did you grow up with? What kind of a relationship role model do you want to give your kids?

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