Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it unsustainable to be the perfect wife?

158 replies

flummoxedbanana · 10/12/2013 23:02

A friend commented today that I need to stop the 'perfect wife act' at some point. I'd never thoughtof it being an act, though perhaps it's quite old-fashioned.

I do literally everything for the children. Dh has never been woken or dealt with them at night, I organise and do absolutely everything for them. I do all the cooking and housework, including jobs like putting the bins out, cleaning pets out, going to the tip etc. I do all food shopping, buy all presents, send relevant cards to his family members. I buy his favourite things and stock the fridge with beer for his days off. I make the effort sexually to send flirty messages and pictures, dress up, take charge etc. I take an interest and support him in his career. I encourage him to go out with friends, I don't lecture him or anything.

I don't feel obliged to do these things. I love him, enjoy my life and am the sort of person that gets most enjoyment from making others happy. Is it unsustainable to remain this way do you think?

OP posts:
duchesse · 11/12/2013 00:43

Or maybe scrubbing the kitchen floor, loos, changing the nth pooy nappy of the day.

Why limit yourself to just a few of the womanly chores?

duchesse · 11/12/2013 00:43

That was in answer to frenchsixth's quest for a womanly chore instead of all that backbreaking lightbulb work.

bunchoffives · 11/12/2013 00:46

Oh shit. I'm single. No wonder it's so dark in my house Confused

I could change a fuse when I was an 8 yr old girl

duchesse · 11/12/2013 00:46

To answer the OP's question- I can't really. I'm a little confused about what a "perfect wife" is. From your list it looks rather then same as "domestic service" to me. With sexual favours thrown in. Wouldn't be my bag but if you're happy with the arrangement why does it matter what anyone else thinks?

woodlandwanderwoman · 11/12/2013 00:46

I don't think French is saying women can't do those things, it sounds like he is saying that he wants to make a contribution to the home and that's the type of jobs he takes care of.

Doesn't matter what the actual job itself is, could be entirely the other way round (wife does diy and husband cooks) but his point is that cooking, cleaning, nappies blah blah are not the ONLY things that keep the world turning and just because he may not contribute 50/50 to this work it doesn't mean he contributes nothing.

In my situation my DH does all the things French said because I can't be arsed to after going everything else! He is also here for 70% less waking hours than me so that makes up for the infrequency of occurrences.

duchesse · 11/12/2013 00:47

Reminds me of that lightbulb joke.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

It is funny and not at all -ist, I promise!

tinmug · 11/12/2013 00:47

Tinmug - if you actually wanted to do all the heavy jobs, well, that's fine! I wouldn't keep you back from enjoying yourself. You could get on with some heavy digging later too.
I'd happily get on with reading a book or working with Adobe photoshop at the computer

Confused Um... ok?

I am a labourer and if the weather is nice I'll be working outside tomorrow, including doing some digging.

Are you trying to make a point? I'm not stupid, honest - I have a degree in PPE from a good university but I genuinely don't get your point. PS I can sort of work a computer too.

frenchsixth · 11/12/2013 00:49

Scrubbing floors and cleaning loos would be nothing to me. I worked as a cleaner in offices and did menial work in a hospital for a while. There's nothing to scrubbing floors for God's sake!

duchesse · 11/12/2013 00:49

Answer: "Don't you worry about me, I'll just sit here in the dark!"

duchesse · 11/12/2013 00:50

It's not bloody hard no! Neither is any of the other tasks you mentioned. It's all housework. It's boring and repetitive and dull and it's never, ever finished.

Unless your other half is 3 ft tall or disabled I can't see why you feel you're sparing her by doing those infrequent chores.

frenchsixth · 11/12/2013 00:51

You just get down on your knees with some soap and water and a brush and cloth and get going. Same goes for cleaning toilets. Easy! But not, if you're a lazy bugger.

duchesse · 11/12/2013 00:52

When you could in fact be sharing them 50-50 or according to ability/ preference I mean. (DH does the building of sheds and things in this house- if I had to do them they would stay up about 3 minutes before being blown down) Everything else (I literally can't think of anything else we don't both do) is shared.

Twinklestein · 11/12/2013 00:53

How many feminists does it take to tell a joke?

One to tell it and another to say 'I don't find that very amusing'.

woodlandwanderwoman · 11/12/2013 00:53

Confused oh dear French, you lost my support with that floor comment too.

Scrubbing floors can't possibly be as demanding as changing a light bulb.

duchesse · 11/12/2013 00:53

french, you said it.

Twinklestein · 11/12/2013 00:53

(I'll get me coat)

woodlandwanderwoman · 11/12/2013 00:55

Anyway, IMO every wife is perfect in her own way Smile

Night all.

frenchsixth · 11/12/2013 00:56

a good university

I hear this often. Would you care to name a bad one?

bunchoffives · 11/12/2013 00:56

Frenchsixth, you've got some really predictable stereotypical views that must be very tedious to live with.

And OP, I don't really get why you started this thread. If you're happy fine.... but it all sounds 'unsustainably' boring to me. Particularly making the 'effort' Biscuit

woodlandwanderwoman · 11/12/2013 00:57

Can we get back on topic?

duchesse · 11/12/2013 00:57

Well, French, I was at Cambridge. In a mixed college. Where were you?

frenchsixth · 11/12/2013 01:01

I never said I wouldn't do daily tasks as well, did I? Of course I would. As it happens I do practically all the shopping, for example. And always make my own breakfast and wash the dishes afterwards. No big deal, so don't bother being sarcastic.

tinmug · 11/12/2013 01:03

How many feminists does it take to tell a joke?

One to tell it and another to say 'I don't find that very amusing'.

Oh gosh that is just brilliant! Gosh how clever and funny you are! I mean really - whether you're a woman or a man, you are very very insightful and funny! Ha ha ha! I mean now you say it, I can see it: feminists are, quite simply, women without a sense of humour! I mean, women wanting the vote, and feminist campaigners achieving it! (waste of fucking time if you're a bird OP, let's face it! Wink ) Women not wanting to be raped by their husbands, and feminist campaigners achieving that - what a load of fucking nonsense! Why weren't they spending their time perfecting their fellatio techniques?

Humourless? Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like... you know... anyone who's being treated like an arsehole for no good reason. Suicide is always an option - never forget that :) xxx

duchesse · 11/12/2013 01:03

Wow! All hail the man who makes his own breakfast and can wash up the dishes!

frenchsixth · 11/12/2013 01:05

Well, French, I was at Cambridge. In a mixed college. Where were you?
Probably working in a hospital, cleaning blood off surgeons' boots and various other menial tasks at that time.

You still didn't actually name a 'bad university'. Have you a problem with answering that?