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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My relationship (long sorry)

637 replies

Packupyourtroubles · 10/12/2013 19:15

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 10/12/2013 19:19

He has hit you and shaken you, and has had sex with you against your will. For these reasons alone I would suggest you end the relationship. If someone gets violently angry with you, you are not to blame.

something2say · 10/12/2013 19:22

This is quite serious sweetheart. Can you find a local DV service in your local borough? Google it.

Also google the wheel of control. It will show you a diagram of what Dom violence is. Range of behaviors designed to control you.

I think if you want to, you may need to think about leaving him. Do you think you could do that?

Also could you separate your monies? X

SoleSorceress · 10/12/2013 19:28

Please leave him, PLEASE.....

This guy is an abusive good for nothing.

LoisPuddingLane · 10/12/2013 19:28

If a friend of yours told you what you have written above, what would your instinct be? Because that instinct is probably right. This is not a man who has your welfare or best interests at heart. You deserve so much better.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2013 19:36

You got with an abusive man at 17 when you were perhaps in a bad place yourself and had no life experience behind you. You were targeted by him purely for his own ends. He has abused you and continues to do so.

He has also caused you to think so lowly of yourself. You now need to rebuild your life without him in it.

You are now 23, please do not be with this person when you are 24. Such men do not change, you cannot love them better.

Please call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and allow them to help you get this person out of your life for good - before he ends your life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2013 19:40

You also could be codependent on him which is an unhealthy state to be in when relationships are concerned. You always put his needs and wants before yours. I would also suggest you read Codependent No More written by Melodie Beattie.

I would also suggest longer term that you enrol on Womens Aid's Freedom Programme as this is specifically for women who have been in abusive relationships. Such people like the person you describe can take a long time, years even, to recover from.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 10/12/2013 19:41

Sorry I am a bit overwhelmed by the responses. And writing this crying.
The thing is I don't feel like it is domestic violence, I have seen people in far far worse situations than this, and I know that I have caused a lot of this. He doesn't 'beat me up' iyswim, he is just violent to other things and has lost it only a couple of times with me,
I am not trying to excuse his behaviour I just want to understand what of it I have caused and what to do from here.
Ultimately I would advise anyone that if they are not happy, they should change their situation, but this seems absolutely impossible to me, and I can't work out why.

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 10/12/2013 19:44

It IS domestic violence, and you haven't caused it. The person shaking you, or slapping you, or punching inanimate objects is totally responsible for his actions. The person who forces you to have sex against your will (which, as you must know, is rape) is totally responsible for his actions. The person who has cheated on you is totally responsible for his actions.

Do you think this is a normal relationship? It is not. He controls you and hurts you, and rapes you.

Please do not think for one second that this is not that bad because he doesn't regularly black your eyes.

something2say · 10/12/2013 19:49

The thing is, we all do the wrong thing at times.

But it's what people them do that is the problem here. Your boyfriend choose to be aggressive.

I also wonder how many actual mistakes you are making, he seems to be twisting it round and blaming it on you. That's a classic abusers tool.

Domestic violence is about a range of tactics to show you who is boss. Xx

AnUnearthlyChild · 10/12/2013 19:50

I just want to understand what of it I have caused and what to do from here.

a) absolutely none of it. He is choosing to do this. Because its fun.

b) LTB ASAP

something2say · 10/12/2013 19:51

What to do from here.

What do you want to do? It would be easiest if you felt this is the end of the line and want out. I have to warn you that he probably won't ever change. This may be who he is. If you think you could stay if only he'll change, I wonder if actually won't xxxxx

cantdoalgebra · 10/12/2013 19:54

You say that you don't live together, but that you have a joint bank account and loans together, is that right? This sounds quite strange. Do you both earn/get approximately the same amount of money?

LoisPuddingLane · 10/12/2013 19:56

It seems you even suspect he might still be cheating on you (and to be honest, if my partner was having "sleepovers" with his female friends, I would be slightly on edge about it). What exactly is good about the relationship?

You are - what - 23? You deserve to be with a man who thinks you are wonderful, and who does not make you feel like you are walking through a minefield just waiting for one to go off in your face.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 10/12/2013 19:58

Sorry if I don't answer everyone I am struggling a little bit
I'm not sure if it is rape because I don't say no, I just don't say anything any more.
I do want to be by myself but I don't know how I can be. He won't be happy if I say I don't want to be with him.
Yes I support him the joint account is where I put a third of my wages into, he is unemployed at the moment. We have 2 loans together they are his but I am named on them and help with repayments.
I am feeling very overwhelmed sorry

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 10/12/2013 19:58

You haven't caused any of it. Please, please contact your local DV organisation and ask for some counselling. You need help to disentangle from this man. I'm sorry about the abortion and I don't mean to sound harsh but never, ever have children with him.

HazleNutt · 10/12/2013 19:58

you've been with him since you were 17, so that's all your adult life. It's totally normal that you don't see a way out and can't imagine life without him. But there is one. You don't live together, no kids - leave him before that happens.
It's not your fault. I could do anything and my DH would never hit walls, never shake or slap me.
It's not your fault that you're being raped because you know that saying "no" does nothing.
You do not make him do anything, he chooses to.

This is domestic violence and he will not change. Get out. Everybody deserves to be in a loving, secure, happy relationship.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 10/12/2013 19:59

I don't think it is normal, but I don't know how abnormal it is, iyswim.

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 10/12/2013 19:59

If he is making you do anything sexually against your will, even if it's by bullying you or being sulky until you 'agree' it's still sexual abuse or rape.

LoisPuddingLane · 10/12/2013 20:01

It is rape if he is having sex with you knowing that you don't want to. You've given up saying no - presumably because it made no difference. So you still don't want it, and you see no point in saying no. This is not consent. He knows you don't want it. I'm not sure if you think that is ok, but it really is not.

And you are supporting him too. He's a real prize, isn't he?

I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed, but hang in there and keep talking to us.

LoisPuddingLane · 10/12/2013 20:03

I suggest you think about not paying a third of your wages into the joint account. Why on earth should this violent, agressive, nasty thug have access to money you have earned?

cjel · 10/12/2013 20:07

He isn't happy about much you do is he? so if you leave you will at least be happy, I'd advise get in touch with WA or DV unit if you are not sure how to leave, they will help you do it in the safest way possible.
You don;t deserve this treatment there is nothing you have done to warrant this treatment, whatever you call it.Flowers for you at this tough timexx

something2say · 10/12/2013 20:09

If you want to leave him,you can.
Start by slowly and quietly siphoning your stuff back to your place.
Don't tell him you are leaving him at all.
When you ready, tell him by phone or text that its over and then change your numbers. Block him from social media. I he comes round dont let him in. If he won't go or starts anything, ring 999 immediately and tell where you are.
Expect him not to be happy, that he loves you, that he hates you, the begging, the threats, the lot.
Don't say anything back. This sort of man won't listen to you.
Mostly tho, gather your friends and famly around you, tell them the truth, and never ever get back to him, don't respond at all. Tennis cannot be played if one person lays down their racket x

LoisPuddingLane · 10/12/2013 20:11

And if there is no-one nearby you can gather round you (I suspect he wouldn't be too keen on you having friends), we will gather round you.

something2say · 10/12/2013 20:11

Pack up your troubles you have done amazingly x well done for telling us x you can do it x

LoisPuddingLane · 10/12/2013 20:12

Yes I agree. Just telling us is a brave step.

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