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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My relationship (long sorry)

637 replies

Packupyourtroubles · 10/12/2013 19:15

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

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Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 14:08

I don't have anyone in rl
I only want my mum but she has dementia and so I can't even talk to her

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Tuhlulah · 11/12/2013 14:14

No, because you are the person that everyone goes to. When you are free of the shitbag you will be able to heal yourself and take your time about finding a decent human being who is fit to be your partner. You can also find time to do sociable things where you can meet real life friends, because you won't be looking after the shitbag's mother at the weekend. You can spend nice time with DN.

Your life is waiting for you just round the next corner. You have had an awful time for the past few years but now you have at last become strong enough to look after yourself. Like they say in airplanes, when the oxygen mask comes down put your own on first before you try to help anyone else.

It's time to put your mask on.

You are doing so well. You need real life help and you made that call.

As Irish said, your body is running on adrenalin. You are in Fight-or-Flight mode, your body is on red alert. It's OK. It's normal.

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WhatchaMaCalllit · 11/12/2013 14:23

Hi there Packup - you mentioned earlier in the thread that your sister doesn't like this man but you couldn't work out why and also that you haven't spoken to her about how he is with you. Do you think it might be because she had the measure of him for a while now and didn't want to say anything to you about it? Could she have picked up on how he was treating you and she wasn't going to mention it to you because she couldn't find a way to do that?

Could you phone her and explain that you're breaking up with him and you need her support?

If there are other underlying issues between you then perhaps the above isn't relevant but I'd pick up the phone and talk to her as she may be the very person who you need in your corner right now.

Wishing you the very best and all the strength in the world in getting through this.

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IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 11/12/2013 14:26

I am so sorry to hear about your mum. You have had a lot to get to grips with at such a young age. You really, really do deserve a better life than the one you currently have with this abusive arsehole.

As Tululah has said, if you can hang in there now and get through this you can be clear of him and free to find friends who will respect and cherish you for who you are. Life could be so much better. I wish I was in London, I would come and hold your hand like a shot.

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JRmumma · 11/12/2013 14:32

Yes you can do it, the hardest bit is halfway done already, you've made the decision to get out and started putting measures in place to protect yourself. Just keep in mind that by the end of the day you will have your support/safety network set up and you will have made the break from him and whilst it might not be all over in terms of any fallout, think of the rest of it as a clean up operation and start thinking about your future without him and hoe much better it will be.

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Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 14:33

I think that maybe my sister knew him before I did. But I don't know.
I could try to talk to my sisters or my brother but I have no idea where I'd start. I have 3 sisters and a brother and I am not close to anyone of them.
I don't know what to say I'm sorry I sound so pathetic

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JRmumma · 11/12/2013 14:36

I think if they are half decent people then they will want to help you in this situation. Even if they don't want to help you really have nothing to lose by asking. It may bring you closer.

Do you think you became distanced from your siblings because of your relationship with this man?

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Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 14:39

Yes I think so, i was close with them before, I have a twin sister who i just don't speak to any more .
I could try to but have no idea how I could say this I think they would blame me

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Tuhlulah · 11/12/2013 14:41

Oh my dear. You have been helping out one of them (parent of DN). Don't feel bad about asking for help.

You seem to think that everyone is entitled to ask for help from you -and get it- but you seem to believe that you are different because you are not allowed to ask for help, or deserve to be helped!

You tell them you need them to help you, that you are ending your long relationship with a man who has been abusing and scaring you for years, that you are very afraid. Once you start, it will all tumble out.

Do not think you are pathetic. You are clearly competent at work and respected. You are clearly kind hearted. You are clearly capable and mature enough to be entrusted with the care of DN. They may have their inklings that the shitbag is a complete c* but because you were not complaining they didn't interfere. There seems to be a presumption against interfering in people's relationships, so maybe they felt it was none of their business. Or maybe they have no idea.

Unless they hate you they will listen and try to help? Unless you try you won't know. I think you should give it a go.

XXXXX

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LoisPuddingLane · 11/12/2013 14:42

Maybe you could email your twin and explain what's been happening.

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LoisPuddingLane · 11/12/2013 14:43

Yes, I was going to say - you are a manager at a young age, which is to be applauded. Probably few people have told you what an achievement this is. But it really is.

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Tuhlulah · 11/12/2013 14:44

A twin sister and a brother! You've gone from having no one to having a sister and a brother! Fab. They will help you. How can they blame you -what have you done wrong? You were 17 when you got into this. I have got older socks than 17! You were a baby. You knew no better. Now you do.

Give them a chance. tell them you're sorry about not being in touch for a while, but that you desperately need them to help you.XXX

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LoisPuddingLane · 11/12/2013 14:50

I suspect the reason you've got no-one, or feel that you have no-one, is entirely down to your bloke separating you from all love and support you might once have got elsewhere. That's what blokes like him do.

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Tuhlulah · 11/12/2013 14:53

Packup, it's almost 3pm. I am concerned that time is passing and you haven't heard from the DV officer. Are you e-mailing or calling Women's Aid?

I am concerned that you are safe for this evening.

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cjel · 11/12/2013 14:58

Can you pick up the phone and text one of you sisters or brother and tell them you are having a panic attack waiting for DV unit to ring you because you are trying to leave P and just blurt it all out and see wht happens?

How do you feel now?

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cafesociety · 11/12/2013 14:58

pack It's time to reach out to your siblings. You have been so independent and responsible for a very long time but it's time to ask for help. I'm sure anyone humane will be there for you, and give you support during this time. It will probably bring you closer and be the start of a network to give you back up and assure you that you have done nothing to deserve what you have endured.

You have admirable qualities, have achieved a lot, done so much for other people and now it's your time - once you get away from the bully who has controlled your life so far. You sound kind and nurturing and deserve someone to appreciate you, and a life which makes you happy.

Please take all the help which is available to you from the agencies already mentioned and who can probably show you how to build new friends/contacts through support groups etc. This is your time now.

You can do this and please keep getting the support from MN. You need to get this lowlife out of your life....and get yourself back, have a peaceful life with your DN.

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NettleTea · 11/12/2013 15:00

you could always link this thread to any of them, or to WA, if you feel you dont wish to speak it out loud. Similarly when the 101 police come round, you could show them this thread.

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NettleTea · 11/12/2013 15:00

and I bet he had something to do with you not being as close to them as you were. another classic tactic - isolation

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MrMeaner · 11/12/2013 15:01

As a man I can't add to any of the great advice that you are getting here - in particular Talulah summed up his character very well.

What I can say is that this guy is an absolute disgrace, coward, awful excuse for a human being and is so abusive that it's difficult to explain how much. Normal people are not like that - you sound lovely and caring and deserve something good and wonderful.

You are doing the right thing, please don't be swayed by all his false promises to change, he never meant it bla bla.

Stay strong and good luck.

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IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 11/12/2013 15:27

Unless your siblings are totally toxic and there is a very good reason you haven't been in contact with them (ie they are destructive, grossly unreliable, cruel and not the kind of people you want/need in your life) then reach out to them for help.

If they blame you in any way for this situation or are reluctant to help then they clearly aren't made from the same solid stuff you are. If they are as caring as you then hopefully they will be a great support.

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Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 15:36

I have spoken to womens aid
They have suggested a plan of action
Involving having everything set up and done before I tell him it's over and to make sure I don't do it face to face
Have not spoken to dv officer yet but I missed some calls on private I might phone 101 to find out of it was them.
Thank you all for the kindness and amazing advice
I am very scared also feel a bit numb
Can't stop crying and can't calm down sorry for typos
I may try to speak to my sister but it's all just so complicated
Thank you all

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KatieScarlett2833 · 11/12/2013 15:41

You are so brave. Rooting for you from the sidelines.

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IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 11/12/2013 15:47

So glad to hear you have spoken to Womens Aid and they have given you guidance. Have they advised anything about where to stay tonight or changing the locks at your place?

You have done so well Pack.

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Tuhlulah · 11/12/2013 15:53

Well done Packup. You have done so well today. Now you need to make sure you are safe tonight.

You are probably a bit tired now, aren't you, and you need to eat something real.

Try your sister or brother. Complicated or not you need help. Give them a chance.

Are you feeling up to chasing the DV unit?

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Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 16:03

They have said the dv officer will be able to help with changing locks etc,
They said the same thing that a poster on here said- that the police will be able to put an alert on or something, I think maybe they did that when I first phoned, they were very helpful. A policeman called and said that they want someone to come out and take a statement from me.
The womens aid person said that I should go with my idea of staying in a hotel after I have told him. I might ask one of my colleagues if I can stay at her house as she has asked me similar in the past
I am still feeling really panicky and trying to calm down isn't helping atm but I am trying.
I'm not sure what to do next now.

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