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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My relationship (long sorry)

637 replies

Packupyourtroubles · 10/12/2013 19:15

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

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Packupyourtroubles · 10/12/2013 22:07

No I'm not doing anything but I'm trying to get rid of the thoughts x

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Ilovekittyelise · 10/12/2013 22:12

im so sorry you are in the midst of this unpleasant relationship.

this man has done things to you which have become normality for you, probably gradually building up to a point where you are basically having non consensual sex with him.

please dont blame yourself on any level, i hope this doesnt sound condescending, but when you inexperienced in relationships and possibly not very confident, like many women in teens and early twenties, as a person in a relationship you are quite vulnerable as you arent used to setting boundaries and deciding what is acceptable. some people are lucky and hook up with someone wonderful at this early age and as a result are naturally self confident and happy and never need worry about boundaries. but more of us have been through unhealthy damaging relationships to varying extents and come out the other side.

it will probably take you some time to build up the strength to leave this situation, but once you do, it will build a momentum of its own. you will feel yourself growing and being stronger, you will do things for yourself, you will become happy. you will enjoy your life, you wont be frightened or sad, and you will put yourself first and have a better sense of whether a relationship is good for before you get involved too deeply.

good luck.

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Tuhlulah · 10/12/2013 22:18

The hurting yourself will only bring a very temporary release. You need more permanent release. Please don't hurt yourself with a child in the house.

Is there anything else you can do to distract yourself?

Packup, you are not powerless. You are in a position of strength because you are not married or tied to this man. You have a loving child in your home who needs you.

Do you have friends or family members you can call or text?

Is it possible to make some tea/hot milk and try to read something you like? Or watch TV. Or a hot bath?

Try to calm down. This can all be remedied because you are free, you are not tied, and you can take the necessary steps to remove this tosser from your life. You deserve so much more.

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Packupyourtroubles · 10/12/2013 22:27

I'm trying everything I can to not do this
My nephew is on a visit with his dad
I don't have anyone I can call but I might go and do the food shopping as stupid as that sounds I need to distract myself properly because I don't want to give in to this again
Thank you for being here x

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Tuhlulah · 10/12/2013 22:37

Yes, do that (the shopping) just don't go where he is. That should tire you out and you will be able to sleep. Just keep yourself safe.

There are lots of people on this thread now who are concerned about you and who are supporting you through this. You are not alone.

Good night. X

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Packupyourtroubles · 10/12/2013 22:39

Thank you, so much x

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LoisPuddingLane · 10/12/2013 22:48

Final word before I go to bed. I wonder if it's worth writing down any incidents that happen with you and your bloke. Not for "evidence" but so that you can get a clearer look at things. When you see it written down it might be harder to brush it away as being "not really abuse" and it might also spur you on to make plans.

I'm not sure how comfortable you would feel about the next thing but if the bloke hits you or shakes you or behaves in a threatening manner towards you, I would advise you to call the police. Nobody should have the fear of violence from their partner hanging over their head.

Only you will know if you can do this - you may at this stage feel that the backlash from him would be too great.

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Packupyourtroubles · 10/12/2013 22:54

Hi Lois
I have kept a diary since I was 12 and have written in it near enough every day, lots more recently. I will have a read through those, that is a good idea. Thank you

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LoisPuddingLane · 10/12/2013 22:57

You're welcome. Sleep well tonight. You're not alone now. (Sorry, that sounded a bit sinister!).

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Jux · 10/12/2013 23:23

Sleep well. Tomorrow is a new day; it is the day where you begin to plan a future which does not contain him. Phone Women's Aid and have a chat with them about what he does and how he behaves, what your relationship is like. They will help you to make a plan to extricate yourself.

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Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 07:20

I am going to try to find the strength to call women's aid today. I am not sure what to say though.

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Kandypane · 11/12/2013 07:42

Hi packup

I don't have a great wealth of knowledge or advice to offer you but I have read this thread and it has made me so sad. Your twenties should be a time of fun and happiness, you should not be going through this. Take baby steps but do not waver on your plan to leave this absolute horrible piece of shit of a "man". Keep posting as often as you need. You have reserves of strength you don't even know about, you can, and you will, succeed in this xxx

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Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 08:01

Thank you kandy that made me cry, you are all so lovely, I haven't had anyone to care for years (not a sob story, just true). I have to go to work but I am trying to think of my next step.

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something2say · 11/12/2013 08:15

It can be easy. If you are ready to, just stop communicating with him. He doesn't even deserve to know why. Just stop seeing him, letting him in and responding to his calls, you could call your mobile company and tell them and ask for the number to be changed there and then, or buy a new sim.

Who do you live with? Can you tell them you are breaking up and they are not to answer the door to him?

Or do you need time to think?

The most importent thing to think about is about how this sort of man is dangerous and won't change. Things will only get worse. Why not look up domestic violence on the Internet and have a good read about it? See if it fits with what you are going through, which it will, but you see it for yourself? Avoid him as far as poss for a while while you think...

Or just simply stop getting back to him.

The thing is, even if the only thing you do is leave the abuser, the abuse will then stop and you will automatically feel better as time goes on.

I am worried about the self harm. Where can you get support for that? Can you make a dr appt and tell them what's been happening so you can be referred for support? Survivors deserve a hand to hold at times of leaving.

Another thing I advise is walking around repeating in your own head that you are a good person, because it is true. Verbal and emotional abuse are what I call bad energy. It noes replacing with good energy. Calling yourself good names repeatedly does replace that bad energy with good energy. And it is true. Remember, abusive people call you names. Normal people don't, no matter what you have done.

If this is taking time to sink in, just see if you can avoid his calls while you think it all through. And when the time does come to leave, there doesn't have to be any great drama.....if you don't get back to him or answer the door. X

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Tuhlulah · 11/12/2013 08:28

Your DN cares for you.

I know it's daunting, to make that first step. And it's easy to put it off. But it won't be any easier tomorrow. You are so lucky, you don't have this shitbag living in your home, so you haven't got to sort out that hell. You are in this so far, but you don't have to get in any further.

I'm sorry I had to go to bed last night, but I hope you managed not to hurt yourself -I presume you cut? I forgot to tell you that when you feel desperate like this, and have no one to call, you can call the Samaritans. They are run by people like us on MN (i know one woman who does it, a mother from DS primary school). All you do is talk to them, just let it all out, and that might help you in the immediate term. They will listen and they cannot give advice. Next step is Women's Aid who can give you advice.

You are afraid of the shitbag, and that's what he relies on and feeds on. He is controlling you already -but you know that.

You don't need me to go on about what he does to you, but I SO want you to understand that you are not imagining this -it's really, he's really doing that to you, and then trying to fuck your head up so you don't know what's real any more.

Please call Women's Aid. Please don't imagine they would think you are wasting their time, or your situation isn't bad enough for them to take it seriously.

If you can please call them today and let us know what they say to you (I don't mean all the private things, but just the gist). Take the first baby step, don't be afraid, it's only a phone call.

If he threatens you CALL THE POLICE because the shitbag needs to know that you are taking it seriously and that you mean business.

I know you are young, but you can do this. Write down a list of reasons why you can't do this.

He got you when you were young and impressionable and vulnerable. Instead of loving you and making you stronger he has worn you down but he hasn't won because you came on here for help. So maybe see that as being your first step -so, you have already taken that first step, by asking for help here. Now take the next - Women's Aid.

Good luck today, take care. When the shitbag comes calling tell him DO NOT LET HIM IN. DO NOT AGREE TO SEE HIM.

I send you a big hug. I am old enough to be your mum (yes, and only yesterday I was 23 like you). xx

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LoisPuddingLane · 11/12/2013 08:32

Just a thought - does he have his own keys to where you live? If so, think about getting the locks changed. Much easier not to let someone in if they don't have keys.

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absentmindeddooooodles · 11/12/2013 08:34

I dont have any great advice for you....its all been covered on here, and 5heres been some amazing posts. Just wanted to offer you a hand to hold.

Where abouts are you?

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JRmumma · 11/12/2013 08:57

I haven't read the whole thread yet but i just had to write that the fact that you have given up saying no and just go along with it is so horrible and sickening. NO ONE should have that kind if control over another human being. The fact that you don't want to have sex with him is your body telling you what your head hasn't realised just yet, that you do not want this man anywhere near you. You need him out of your life. Be strong and have a good think about it, this is not right.

You say you know your relationship is not normal but don't know how abnormal - what you describe is very abnormal and unhealthy. Walk away and don't concern yourself with how it will affect him.

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antimatter · 11/12/2013 09:12

I wanted to comment to say that you are already looking for a way out writing here.
Many comments you've made show me that you are emotionaly dependent on him.

You are doing hard job of looking after your DN.
You also mentioned that you are a cared to DP's mum - how's that came about?
Do you have loans he took and you are paying them? Are you scared that if you leave you will be left with big debts?

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Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 09:16

Hi everyone
He turned up at mine just about 15 minutes ago, I am trying to act like nothing is up but he definitely knew something was.
He has keys I want to get the locks changed but I rent and I'd have to check with the landlord and I need to time it properly because I don't want him to know what's going on.
Sorry I can't remember al the questions I was asked and who asked them.
I live by myself but look after my nephew full time but he goes on visits to his mum and dads houses quite a lot.
I live in London. Sorry I can't remember anything at the moment I'm all over the place
Thank you all

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LoisPuddingLane · 11/12/2013 09:20

You don't have to apologise. I imagine that when he's there you just go into survival mode. If you tell your landlord why you need to change the locks, I hope they would agree.

You don't owe this man anything. When you are ready to make a move, we'll be here.

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Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 09:44

I started looking after his mum when she got ill 2 years ago. I don't do much, I do her shopping, I bathe her and give her bed washes as well. She can still manage the toilet. I batch cook for them.
The loans are in his name. I think I might be the guarantor, but I'm not sure. I make the repayments, he is meant to give me some towards it each month but generally doesn't.

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MerryFuckingChristmas · 11/12/2013 09:54

When you ring WA, tell them about the financial abuse too.

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Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 09:56

He didn't make me though iyswim I always volunteered it to make my life easier I hope that makes sense

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Tuhlulah · 11/12/2013 09:58

OH!!!!!

You don't do much????!!!!

You do the shopping.

You bathe her -this is the job of a CARER.

You wash her -this is the job of a CARER.

You will be soon helping her onto the toilet - this is the job of a CARER.

You batch cook for them -this is the job of a WIFE/PARTNER/HUSBAND. Even carers don't do this.

You guarantee his fucking loans. You pay his fucking debts. Who the fuck would do this for him?

He should be kneeling down at your feet to kiss them every day. he should treat you like the caring and kind person you are and that he is not. He should treat you like a goddess, like a princess. He is DEPENDENT on you, not the other way round. No wonder he controls you -he cannot survive without you. He is weak. he can't even look after his own mother. My mother used to say: A man who is no good to his own mother will be no good to anyone.

Extricate yourself from this. Get away from this. He is so damaged. He will break you up into little pieces if you let him.

He will have to get in touch with social services to get proper care for his mum. He will have to feed himself and her.

Accept that you are left with this debt because he won't pay you back, whether he is raping you every day of your life, or whether you kick the shitbag into touch today.

Tell him to give you your keys. The landlord will charge you for changing the locks. Tell him the landlord has asked for them, so he can do a property check. Make up a lie if you can't face him. Get the keys back. YOU MUST HAVE A SECURE PLACE TO BE.

I am sorry if I sound over the top here. But it is VITAL you get the keys. Or new locks.

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