My relationship (long sorry)

[Packupyourtroubles]

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

I mean to the police, not to him of course.

[something2say]

Also look up DV services in your borough - you are in London, there are services in every borough, you could be on the phone to them this afternoon.

If you were my client, what I'd do is first of all encourage you to ring 101 and say you are having problem with your boyfriend and report the texts and tell about the physical abuse. Let them deal with that.

Then I'd advise you to tell your manager at work and get the rest of the day off. Manages often don't know what to say about this stuff mind, so I would not be surprised if they didn't know what to do - can you book a half day? The rest of the week off sick? GP apt to get signed off?

Then I'd help you work out where you could go tonight after work - do you have to go home? Is there anywhere else you could go and stay?

If you do have to go home, do you feel safe at home? The Police can change your locks now. If you tell them he has a key.

But the main thing is, have you thought about how you will tell him that it is over and what will happen after that? This is why a DV professional will be the best person to help - we do this all day and will help you work out exactly what to do and how to do it.

XXXX

The main thing is, don't reply to him, but expect that to mean he does whatever he feels he has to to get to you - coming round, kicking the door, threatening to hurt you - ring 999 and tell them where you are if this happens.

How are you getting home from work tonight? x You don't have to suffer anymore at all - you could ring the Police, tell them all about it and maybe one of the officers could accompany you home, help you get your stuff and then help you get somewhere safe?

[Packupyourtroubles]

He is being aggressive because I'm not picking up the phone but I'm often in meetings or generally just busy and so this is weird for him, he knows that I am often not with my phone. I am keeping all the texts.
I'm meant to be visiting another place today, I am a manager but I can speak to the director of the company, he should be able to shuffle some things so I can be off he is usually quite good.
I am going to try and go home in the next hour or so.
I drive home so that should be ok, I may just book into a hotel after I tell him although I'm not sure when I'm going to tell him yet.
I will call 101 when I'm on my way to my next visit, I can be late for that if I need to talk things through in detail.
Thank you you have given me some amazing advice and thigs I wouldn't have thought of.
Do you know how long a referral to the dv unit will take? Will I have to go an meet them? Is it better to talk to womens aid or 101 first?

[something2say]

Hiya - I would say you don't have to pick up the phone to him ever again at all actually. It can really be like that.

But keep the messages and voicemails so that the Police can get a good feel of what he says. This may allow them to move straight to a caution of charge.

Yes do tell work and try and go home and pack a bag - I like the idea of an hotel. When you get there, don't be alone - ring people and tell them what's happening. And tell the people at home so they know to expect him banging on the door.

101 will likely be quite a quick call - the longer talk will be when the officers come to see you.

It may be that you can speak to a DV professional this afternoon...

How about you turn your phone onto silent now tho? You don't need to hear the calls from him...until you have called 101 and then the Police may call you. If he starts calling on with held numbers etc, you can answer if you think it is someone else but if its silent or you know it is him, just hang up straight away.

Well done, you are doing amazingly x you are so brave and have done so well to get to this stage xxxx

[something2say]

When you tell him, how would you like to do that?

You could text, saying its over, I never want to see or hear from you ever again. Don't ring me, don't email me and don't come round - I wont be getting back to you and never want to see or hear from you again. It you harass me, I will report you to the Police.

Or you could ring him and do it on the phone - I don't recommend this tho as it gives him an opportunity to go mad with the shouting or go quiet with the sinister or cry with the manipulative crap.

Or you could email him and then block him straight after that so you don't have to read what he says. An email allows you to say a bit more stuff that you may nee to get off your chest, maybe your own sadness about it and your reasons.

But the thing is, you don't have to do any of this if you don't want to. In time you will see that he actually doesn't deserve any of it, for he has been highly abusive and degrading of you, and therefore barely deserves a scraping off the bottom of your shoe.

But you are on relationship with him and saying goodbye might be the best thing for YOU rather than something that he deserves.

So have a think and let us know which one feels best for you right now.

But the message is - the end - leave me totally alone and if you do not, I will report you to the Police.


I just want to say too that actually doing the reporting is really important. Don't let things slide for a quiet life - he needs to learn that if he eats poison, he sicks it back up every time. EVERY time. x

[something2say]

101 first, then google local dv services and ring them up x or 101 and your local police community safety unit may be able to put you in touch - often dv professionals work in the police stations x

[Tuhlulah]

Call Women's Aid now. they will tell you what to do, and what to expect. You have had cyber advice and support -now you must get some support in real life.

You are a capable and intelligent young woman that any mother would be proud of. At work you are clearly highly regarded and respected. You can do this.

You have had some great advice from other posters and I totally agree with IrishBlood, that you are really strong and resilient. People rely on you.

Says it all that the shitbag has no male friends.

Make your calls, love.

[Tuhlulah]

Sorry, I am not contradicting what Something said, we cross posted. Either way, it won't make much difference. It might be good to call the police to make sure you are safe.
Good luck. Thinking of you. x

[Packupyourtroubles]

I am having a panic attack thinking about what I am actually about to do
I don't know if I can
I have called 101 and they are going to call back but I don't know if I can do it

[something2say]

Its alright sweetheart, yes you can do it. Breathe slowly, listen to your heart beat, count it as it slows. Where are you?

[something2say]

Can you message me the borough you are in and I'll find you dv services to ring now?

[Tuhlulah]

You can do it. This is the worst bit. You can do it. This is fear. It will pass. Let the police help you.

And WELL DONE, you did it, you made that call. Well done!!!!!

[Tiptops]

You are doing so well packup . You're being incredibly brave and doing so well. Try to breathe in for three seconds, hold for three seconds and breathe out for three.

You can do this, you already are doing it.

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

Well done. Or step at a time. One call at a time.

Can you stop and have some sweet tea. Have you had lunch? Maybe something liquid like a soup or smoothie. Take care of yourself.

[Packupyourtroubles]

I am finding it really hard to calm down but I am trying.
101 person said they will get a dv officer to call back.
I am at work but I am alone in the office. I have had tea and made myself eat a couple of biscuits because I feel light headed.
I have cancelled my visit.
I'm not sure what's next and I'm scared

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

Would be great if you could eat something. Well done on finding some biscuits. Your adrenaline cannot carry you though very far. Enjoy your tea. Give yourself some time and decide in your next call. You can also email WA if this helps.

[Tuhlulah]

You are safe in your office.

You are waiting for a phone call that will help you.

You are scared. You have had tea and eaten something, that might help a bit, but I think you should have more if you can face it. Your body is probably using up loads of nervous energy.

What's next? Well, when the DV officer call you back I think they will explain. You have done nothing wrong here. Think about your list of things to do. You've made an important start on that. Think about the bank and getting your money safe.

I bet this time yesterday you had no idea you could do this -and now look at you, taking CONTROL back. It will get easier. Stay calm. X

[Packupyourtroubles]

I don't think I can do it

[Tuhlulah]

Yes you can. You have started. You will get a call and you explain. No one will force you to do anything.

You are being very brave. You made the first call -that was the part where you could say 'I don't think I can do it' because now you have SHOWN you CAN do it because you are doing it.

You are taking a brave step of saving yourself from a rapist and an abuser. Yes you can do it.

[LoisPuddingLane]

You can do it. xxx

[Tuhlulah]

While you are waiting e-mail Women's Aid if you need to keep the line clear. If you have a clear line out then call them. It will keep the momentum going and stop you thinking about things. They will know how it is for you.

Go one my brave girl, do that next. Don't give yourself time to be afraid.
XX

[Callani]

Pack you can do it - it seems scary because it is but you will have lots of support from the police and DV officer. What is scarier is staying in this awful relationship.

You are strong to have got this far, you are strong enough to do this.

[Packupyourtroubles]

I have got their email address I am going to email them now so I can stop thinking like this

[Callani]

And if you're worried about what to say then read out what you've written here - tell them what you've told us and they will help you.

[IrishBloodEnglishHeart]

You have taken the first and hardest step pack by calling 101. I am sure that the DV officer will put you at ease and then you will have some tangible RL support to help you through this difficult time plus more help from WA when you make contact with them.

Do you have a friend or a family member you could call and ask to be with you?

The adrenalin will be causing the physical symptoms you are experiencing so just acknowledge that they are your body's natural response to the situation you are in and not a sign that you are not coping or need to worry. Just breath through it and repeat to yourself that you are strong woman and you deserve better.