My relationship (long sorry)

[Packupyourtroubles]

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

You don't need to ask LL permission to change the locks. Just do it and provide them a key.

OK Packup - can you afford a locksmith? Phone local locksmiths for quotes to come and change the locks today.

Could DN parents help you with any of this?

We are the same age which made this even harder reading. I'm sure you've realised from other posters that this is in no way a a normal relationship and he's a abusive twat.

I don't have much practical advice other than to echo the others who said to leave and make sure you are safe. You have had some good advice on here.

Anyway, I just wanted to speak up and voice my support. Stay strong.

I will have a look at locksmiths and talk to my landlord.
I feel weak I just want to pretend it's not happening.he keeps texting me.
My nephews parents are in a situation that I can't go into as it is sensitive etc, they don't have much money though and that's why I'm looking after my nephew, for the stability for him.

I have made a list of practical things I need to do, can someone please look over it for me and tell me if I've missed anything.

Call landlord
Call locksmith
Bring my stuff back from his
Talk to social services re assessment for his mum
Take his stuff back to his house
Call womens aid
Go to gum clinic

I can't think properly does this sound ok

OK, my last post now, I have to work.

OK, if you change the locks you are going to have to tell him why he is not getting a new key, which will lead to the conversation that you don't want to see him. So you may as well save the money and ask for the keys back. Can you tell him you've locked yourself out and need to borrow his keys to get another set cut?

However, this approach is going to make you anxious. You may as well go that extra step and tell him to give you your keys as you don't want him letting himself in and out. If he refuses you call the police, as it then becomes theft, as he intents to permanently deprive you of the keys after you have asked for them.

Am I missing something here?

Are you the paid carer for his mother? You said your salary gets paid into a joint account. You can stop this today. Call in to the bank and do it, or make a new account and get your salary and any other money put in there. This is essential. You need to be able to live.

Do yu intend to remain caring for his mother? I advise not. If you are employed to be her carer and can't do without the money, can you make alternative arrangements?

get your head out of the sand, this isn't going to go away. I know you're scared. Make a plan of action sweetie.

1. I am going to call Women's Aid as they will be able to help.

1. I am going to get rid of the shitbag rapist.

1. I am going to make my money secure. TODAY

1. I am going to make my home secure. AS SOON AS YOU CAN because when you do step 2 he will want to see you and I don't like the idea of being able to be in your home alone with him. But if you change the locks he may get to the account first.

he knows something is up -so act now.

be brave. You have come so far. I will be thinking of you.

xxxxx

Thank you tuhlulah
I am not his mums paid carer I just care for her in the mornings and at weekends, I work somewhere else full time

Sorry we cross posted.

What is a gum clinic? Did you mean to say gun clinic because I know he is a complete and utter c* but shooting him may be a bit extreme?

You are thinking very well. Next, put a time and day on each action. prioritise. Well done. See, you are doing the right things without being told -you are capable. You are thinking clearly. Head up love, you can do it. You're making a start already.

Oh, you're not even paid?

OK, if you are kind enough to call social services, then do it but it's not a priority. But signpost them to the shitbag. He is their first point of contact now, not you. Make clear that it's urgent, because his mum needs to be looked after. BUT THAT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keys/locks and bank, and women's aid. Your stuff -if it's important. Is it at his mum's?

Well done. XXXXXXX

Oh sorry it's the sexual health clinic.
Yeah a gun clinic is a bit much!
Ok I need to think straight and try to get started. Thank you

OK, yes, that's important too. Remember, you've been raped for the last time. No more sexual contact with him, don't allow him to put you in that situation again.

You are thinking straight. It's all new to you, and you're doing fine. I'll check back later today. Hopefully other posters will be along soon.

Go girl!

My stuff is at his, a few bits at his mums.
He checked my laptop in for repair when he broke it so they are going to give it back to him but I think I might just have to let that go.
I don't know if I'm going to ever be strong enough to do that final step. But I'm going to try and start today I don't know, feeling less confident now tbh.

I'm sorry I've realised how much I've been posting and I'm not sure how much sense I'm making sorry

GUM is genito-urinary medicine.

Packup, he may not have made you take out loans but it's like the sex - you've got to the point where you just go along with it for a quiet life. He is taking everything from you - your body, your freedom, your money, your confidence, everything.

There is a better life waiting for you.

I understand you aren't feeling up to this - but that is probably what he wants. He has got you exactly where we wants by intimidation and manipulation.

Pack, please make sure that you are fully supported and are prepared to follow through your plans. This is all quite a new realisation for you and I worry that you will capitulate to pressure from him, which will actually make your situation worse as he will escalate the control to bring you back into line.

Ring Women's Aid and get some concrete, RL advice (am not taking anything away from the advice above, btw) before you make any moves that will inflame him. I am actually worried for your safety. Abusive and controlling men do not take it well when their cowed pet starts to bite back. You are isolated and very prone to manipulation. Get some Big Guns on your side.

He's just called me 4 times he never calls me when I'm at work. I'm a little bit worried but I'm just not picking up

He senses something is up. These people have a good antenna for when the worm starts to turn.

You have to get out, but first and foremost you have to plan it carefully and get RL support.

You seem like a really nice girl who people - sorry to say this - seem to dump on. I'm not sure what led to you having your nephew full time but as he has a mum and dad, it's an unusual situation. So they don't have much money? Who does when your children are young?

And you've been landed with caring for your boyfriend's mum, which really isn't your job.

You work full time and end up paying off loans on behalf of your boyfriend.

I think it's time you roared and said ENOUGH.

you can call the police and tell them that you are ending a relationship with someone that is abusive. this will put them on alert. Also let them know that he has keys. In some cases I have heard of them being there, or nearby, so that if he kicks off they can accompany him from the premesis and get your keys back for you. Also helps to put an injunction/non molestation in place to keep him away from you.
You are allowed to end this. you dont need his permission.
but be prepared for the cycle he will go through (none of which will be true or lasting BTW, just trying everything in his repetoire to try to get you to let him back - so he will be going for any weak point in your armour)
the promises to change
the promises to get some councilling
the admition that he has been a shitbag but he knows that now
his proclaimations of love
offering gifts/money/a baby whatever he thinks it is you have been moaning about
promising not to see his friends
being nice/helpful
then the self pitying stuff
name calling
saying you are letting down his mum
crying
saying he will kill himself
saying he cant live without you
turning up looking dishevelled as if he has been crying
actually crying
pleading
saying he was abused as a child/something happened which 'made him' like this (possibly something which has happened to you, so as to try to make that connection)
saying he is going to lose his house/cant eat, etc trying to make you feel sorry for him
then the nasty stuff
agression
anger
threats
violence
lots of harrassment by phone/text/email/through the door.

and then cycle back to the

I call this break up Bingo - you could make a tick list to distract you from what he is saying, to prevent you being drawn into his game. Dont reply to texts beyond the 'its over, dont contact me' but keep them all as they will be evidence of harrassment and help you with the legal side of keeping him away. It wont be easy, but if you are strong enough to have got this far without being destroyed, you are strong enough to get free, and strong enough to fly once he has gone.

Once your eyes have been opened you just cant go back - its as if a veil has been lifted - you cannot unknow what you know. You most probably do NOT have any MH problems, you are having a natural reaction to the stress of an abusive relationship, which has crept up on you without your knowledge, because thats how they work, gradually breaking down all your boundaries. But your natural instincts are spot on.

I'm sorry I've realised how much I've been posting and I'm not sure how much sense I'm making sorry

You are making perfect sense. It is very clear from your posts that he has you in such a position that you don't trust your own judgement. You have nothing to be sorry for, it was just bad luck that you met this arsehole at such a young age and he was able to manipulate you the way he has.

I know you are scared of leaving him and perhaps don't feel strong enough to do it. I just wanted to say that the one thing that sings out to me from your posts is that you are an incredibly strong person. At your young age you have taken on the care of your DNephew in what I can only guess are difficult circumstances, you care for DN, care for the arsehole's mother AND work full-time. You have a tenacity and inner strength I certainly didn't have at your age. If I was your mother (and I am old enough to be) I would be very proud of you for being there for so many people! Turn some of that kindness and strength towards helping yourself now.

Please do call Women's Aid, it doesn't matter if you don't know what to say, they will ask the right questions to help you talk. If you are feeling low and need support fighting the urge to self-harm don't forget the Samaritans are always there. God knows, I've called them at times when I've been at a total loss for words to describe how I am feeling and they have been a lifeline.

I will be thinking of you today and sending you positive vibes through the ether.

Post as much as you need to, if you are finding it useful. It seems like you have already got lots of useful advice that you are now acting on and you will continue to get lots more advice and support here.

Please if you can, confide in someone in real life and get some help there. You say your sister doesn't like your partner and she may have an inkling of what he is like and be waiting to help you out when the time comes i.e. now. If people know what's going on they can help and protect you.

Good luck and stay strong.

Thank you all for your posts I am taking heart from the kind words and feel so supported
I am going to ring the police I think as I just received two quite aggressive texts and would like for them to be on standby I guess when I go home. I have arranged for my nephew to be with his dad again tonight so I can sort this out.
I'm trying to remind myself that I don't want to wake up wanting to die tomorrow again or feel terrified of my own shadow all the time and so I have to do this scary bit first.
It feels a little bit surreal that all this has happened.

Call the police on 101 and explain you are breaking up from a violent man, ask for advice and referral to a a DV unit.

Call WA too. You are doing much in your own. They can listen, advice and help if you let them.

Whatever happens, put your safety first. You do not have to go to his to return his stuff. You can leave it bag duo somewhere, front porch, his mum, etc. to avoid contact as he has violent outburts.

Put yourself first, call WA before SS for his mum's assessment or returning his things. They can wait, you cannot.

For his calls, texts, what would you normally do? Send a breezy "what's up"? Of course he must sense you are changing. Well done. Keep strong.

Keep the texts and explain everything.

Thinking of you.