Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

[Laurel1979]

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

If any men are reading can they please tell me why a man would have sex with a woman and then not call again? Aren't they more likely to call as they are guaranteed a shag or are there a lot of men who lime to shag a woman once only

Bearing in mind I'm now married this would have been over 7 years ago.

If sex appeared to be on the card soon, the the modus operandi was to go along with the dates, don't say anything stupid and soon enough we had sex.
Wouldn't normally call again because there was always another FWB, another date and tbh the thrill of the chase had gone.
The drama wasn't worth it and I guess you could say I was a coward for not ending it properly.
However I would normally call after a while try my luck if I was having 'issues' with FWB or others dates.
In hindsight, I wasn't looking/ready for a relationship, it was never about the women, it was all a game.

My regret and fear is I now have a daughter who will eventually be a young woman and I hope to God she never meets someone like I was.

Laurel asking if you're annoyed with him when he knows full well you are sounds a bit like game playing, someone who doesn't take you seriously.

arsenal what was it that made you take the woman you eventually married seriously? Because maybe she made you wait for sex? Or she was right for you and the others were not or time to settle down wasn't the right time for you when you were single and dating?

Why are you doing this to yourself? You don't know this man. You met him once. I think you have complicated matters by sleeping with him. Because now you have invested something in him. Plus all that jibber jabber about going away made you get your hopes up.

Ignore all those stories about "I shagged my DH two minutes after meeting him and here we are 20 years later..." It worked out for them. But, look at you. You're a nervous wreck - over a stranger. The fact you had sex with him doesn't make him less of a stranger.

If you like one night stands with strangers then fair enough. But if you are looking for something more serious and long term, then this is just ridiculous.

As for he's a games player - what does that mean? He met a girl, he talked a load of (probably) bollocks, she slept with him. If he went round telling women he was only into casual sex, he'd never get laid. It's not particularly nice, but most of us don't live in a world where women live at home until they accept a proposal of marriage. So, a little common sense about the motives of complete strangers wouldn't go amiss.

my definition of game playing is exactly your post nkf. telling lies to get what he wants thus creating a n expectation from the other person. Jeeeez

I agree it's not nice, not nice at all. But, why should she assume this man is nice? She doesn't know him. He's some guy off a dating site. It's not like her cousin has known his brother for years. He's a stranger. These sort of posts are painful to read.

Well he was nice to her, they shared a good time. I think multi dating is the answer for the online method and don't take it too seriously.

Laurel go out with someone else!

Seriously. Keep dating. This guy is a nobody!

nkf why should he pretend to be nice if he isn't?
Why can't people be honest about themselves? Life would be so much easier all round! Not every woman is at the stage of wanting to settle down and some just want casual sex, same as not every man is wanting casual sex...if people were honest from the start it would save so much time!

nkf why should he pretend to be nice if he isn't?

I know I'm not nkf, but people sometimes, in my experience, like the thrill of knowing that they've played someone. Sad but true.

Sole I treated her differently because I was looking for a relationship. I liked where my career was going, had just bought a house and wanted to be a young active dad.
What made her different is the usual BS, we get on very well, she can be a great friend plus we have a similar outlook of life.
Whatever time we had sex wouldn't have made a difference to how I felt/feel about her. We did have sex after quite a few dates, but I wouldn't say she made me wait ifkwim. More of we were happy to take it slow sounds so soapy.

Toffee, it's not the point that a first-time sex can be so-so or even 'rubbish', it's the chemistyr that you can't really be sure of until you sleep with someone, it's compatibility in bed (styles, even sizes for many some people, whether you aer on a par regarding amount of sex). You can even enjoy kissing someone, but not like being up close and personal bodily after all. I'm not saying by the way that I sleep with my dates straight away - I said it was moderm wisdom, and so many MNers subscribe to this too, I personally don't sleep on first dates, but I don't leave it very long either as going by my earlier experioences you can invest in someone emotionally and then realise they are not for you sexually. Look how many otherwise good marriages break up eventually due to lack of sex or big differences in libido, or fetishes etc, it's all on here!

He's definitely a player, OP. If I were you, if he texts tomorrow to say he can do Sunday, tell him that you are very sorry but something has cropped up and you can't make it. This should be nothing to do with childcare, and everything to do with you having loads of friends. Then sit back and see if he makes plans to see you again.

I can appreciate all the feminist posts of 'this is 2013, not 1913', but tbh men haven't moved on since those times. Men are hunters and like the chase. I'm in a senior position in a professional job and like getting things done. I like knowing what is happening and when. But in my experience when you act like the social director of the relationship you miss out on knowing just how into (if at all) you they are. I married someone I took the lead with all the time with, and I never quite felt secure of his feelings even though he told me he loved me till the cows came home. It's only now we're divorced and he's so active with the kids and so amazing at helping me out whenever I need him that I truly realise that he really did/does love me. I never let him do the pursuing and show me how he felt about me, so even though I 'got' him in the end (marriage) I never felt secure and that made our marriage doomed.

I'm back dating and knowing what I know now about letting men chase you is what is helping to keep me sane. It's sad but true. When a man's interest seems to be waning, keeping a bit of distance and acting a bit disinterested is what pulls them back in. If they go because you pull back, well, they're really not into you and it wouldn't have worked anyway.

I wish it wasn't like this. It does my fucking head in.

By the way, I'm a feminist. XDH did most of the cooking, 50% of the childcare and 50% of the housework. Still does (Ok, not the housework, but still does jobs around the house, and he knows I'm dating!)

MyChild, that's why The Rules is such a successful book.
As to your ex, sounds like you want him back - how about it?

Thanks you guys again! Yes I'm starting to be able to look at the situation objectively, it doesn't look good. To be honest I would rather just talk to him on the phone rather than wait on more cryptic texts, but I don't want to look like Im the one chasing him either. He was working away today and hasn't been active on Facebook all day, which is unusual for him, but then when I look at how he was last week, he would have texted several times during the day. I don't know why he texted me this morning though - surely if he was just after sex, now he's got it, he wouldn't bother contacting me and asking if Im annoyed with him. So now I don't know if he's "freaking out" or not. But if he is and I ring him, it'll freak him out more. If he does text tomorrow, would I be reasonable to say that I'd rather talk by phone rather than text?

beagles So many of my friends have asked me if I want to take him back. It would be so easy. He's the children's father and is perfect in the way that he treats us.

Unfortunately, he let me go and I have now met someone who I'm so physically attracted to and the sex is so amazing that I will always feel that I shouldn't go back. I know that this new person is only temporary, but it's opened my eyes up to the world of opportunities out there. The first two years after he left were horrendous. I did everything to get him back. From begging, to pretending that I was with someone else. It wasn't until I was truly over him and happy with my life as it was that he started expressing regret for leaving. Just more confirmation that men seem to be wired to want women who are NOT THAT INTO THEM. When I was pretending to have someone else, that didn't work, because men just seem to get vibes that you need them. I think wanting them is good but needing them is bad.

MyChild, so was it you who decided to divorce, or him? If he didn't try in two yrs, then yes, good idea to move on. If it's meant to be, it will be (i.e. if he'll now wait until you look at all your new options), but a good idea to enjoy a single life.

Op, not unreasonable - tell him you'd rather have a chat as you are tired of the texts. Just try to detach a bit until then! it really hasn't been long, and in the pre-texting days it was normal not to be in contact several times a day. As he's texted, you'll soon find out what else is he planning to do. If it's all about insecurity, the only thing that will freak him out is you being angry, otherwise he'll be making more moves.

What was it that you really liked about him before now btw? so far it's hard to see tbh.

I know, I probably haven't portrayed him in a good light.... But he was so sweet, really funny and witty, and kind, and we just seemed to get on so well, any time we talked on the phone we were talking for an hour. We like the same

I know, I probably haven't portrayed him in a good light.... But he was so sweet, really funny and witty, and kind, and we just seemed to get on so well, any time we talked on the phone we were talking for an hour. We like the same things, going to similar places on holiday, he has a dog, he likes Disneyland and spending time with his nieces and nephews, he seems kind with his parents, and on FB from looking at his posts, and those from his friends, he genuinely looks like the good guy who does all the driving/lifts home on nights out etc. He does voluntary work and is always raising money for charity etc. I know all these things don't sound much but when I met him I just had a feeling that he was a good guy....

well, just wait and see then, he could just be unusual and insecure but a good person deep down, but you really need to detach a bit and be more 'nice but neutral' until he deals with his issues.

God is this tale still rolling on, you're starting to sound unhinged... You're even noting how much he's on FB now... Really?

You know what Jean, I probably am..... I use FB chat to keep in touch with one of my friends and I can't help but see there's often a green dot beside his name. But your right, this bloody saga is rolling on and I couldn't feel any worse about myself than I do now. Either I've been used for sex or else I've ruined something by shagging on a first date. But either way I am not contacting him again as Im too bloody pissed off now, not helped by just coming to the end of what feels like the world's busiest ever night shift. Think I'll go home at 8 and sleep/turn phone off for a change.

Sorry "you're" not "your"

green dot can mean he is logged in to FB, not that he is actually using it at that very moment

I think you are way too invested in a stranger. You've built him up into something in your mind and you are relating to that something. I don't know whether he is nice or not but then neither do you. Not really. He shouldn't be that important to you. Don't sit back and wait. Go out and have a good weekend. Aren't there loads of men on dating sites?