Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

[Laurel1979]

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

And stay off Facebook. Green dots indeed. Stop it.

OP, i feel a bit sorry for you. Theres no doubt here that you have been played, and dont feel too bad for that, noone of us are infallible

Whatever it is, you havent ruined anything by shagging him, its about him and what his intentions were, which despite what he said, despie what his FB shows, despite liking disneyland, you have no idea of. This man was a stranger, with motives you didnt know and had no way of knowing.

If you havent dated for a while, its not your fault, dating has changed an awful lot, and kudos to you for getting out there. Before you go on another date though, it might be worth thinking about what you want, what you are looking for, and what behaviour you can and cant stand.
If you are happy to have casual sex, or jump into bed quickly, you have to be happy with the fact that you dont know if you will see or hear from them again.
So - as long as you are happy with your choices, then great. But dont but your happyness in others, that way madness lies.

Delete this bloke off fb, dont even tell him. Hes clearly not into you at all. Hold on to a bit of dignity, walk away, have a nice xmas with your family and a bit of a think and then get out there again in the new year.

Thanks Leopard. Yes I will delete him on FB as I know it would drive me to distraction otherwise! I'll certainly be more cautious next time round, and tbh there's no way I'd jump into bed so quickly again as I couldn't bear feeling like this again.

sorry - i meant i felt sorry for you, in the sense of, you are clearly a nice person, just terribly naieve when it comes to this kind of thing.
Lots of people are, dating had moved on so so so much, the rules have changed.
You expect people to be honest, like you are, but as much as it pains me to say, you need to be a bit more cynical and dont trust people until they have proven themselves trustworthy. dont give more of yourself than you can afford to lose.

steep learning curve, have been there myself, many times.

Laurel. Your posts have gone from wanting some advice about shagging some bloke on the first night to something quite different.

Whilst he may have some interest in shagging seeing you again he's not exactly falling over himself to do that, is he? So what you must decide is whether HE'S made a mistake through lazy, goady, noncommittal communication since you shagged him.

You must decide if he's treated you in a less than respectful, caring manner. You must decide if you'll be making a second mistake by 'dumping' a sweet, kind, insecure, mixed-up and misunderstood bloke. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks because you, and no-one else, will live with the consequences of your actions whatever they are.

If my DM were still here and she read your posts I know exactly what she'd say and she was no feminist by any stretch of the imagination. She'd say "Always carry a pair of scissors with you to cut the thread a man has you hanging by".

Good luck Laurel.

what? I mean seriously how did we get from "that sounds good but I'm trying to get out of something should be able to tell you on Thursday" to ltb?

No sleeping together on the first date isn't a big deal. you both freaked and said you didn't want a heavy duty relationship (in fact didn't you say it first) so don't judge things on that

Some men (and women) don't text all the time, they might every now and then send a flurry but that's it. It's not a sign he doesn't like you

He might genuinely know until Thursday what he's doing, there is any number of reasons why.

none of these are a big deal.

what would be a big deal if he didn't contact you today when he said. it wouldn't be a big deal if he said he couldn't come. it would be a big deal if he didn't arrange a new date.

You're in the early stages of the relationship. he had a life before you that isn't going to stop and nor should it. That doesn't mean hes not interested in you or is playing you

Always carry a pair of scissors with you to cut the thread a man has you hanging by

Wise words from you mum, Living.

i really like those words. ill be passing them on to my own dd.
:)

I will add I also leave Facebook on in the background. sometimes I might be doing other things or not even be on the computer at all. sometimes I'm talking to friends and want to focus on the one conversation.

personally I'd take don't want it heavy to let's not talk too much about future plans (marriage kids moving in etc) just want to go out and have fun (that may include sex).

if you want chatty texts have you texted him? Nothing heavy just "this funny thing happened to me today" or take a photo of something to do with your first date "saw this thought of you" kind of thing.

Begal.....Child ..are you both " Rules girls??

I suggest you find some body else to go to the Christmas market with. Too old for this type of gameplay when no longer a teen. Sorry. Just forget about him. This is how all your weeks will be like if you continue to try dating this bloke.

imagine the reverse AIBU:

"had this super date and the most amazing sex after. we texted back and forth a bit.

I freaked out a bit and texted that I didn't want anything to heavy she agreed. she suggested another date which I play football on. team lists are up Thursday and I should know whether someone else can take my place then.

Since then she has gone totally silent on me. AIBU to think if she's not prepared to wait a few days, she's not that interested in me and a bit of a drama lama?"

ok have taken a few liberties but think you may be over thinking this!

paper interesting analogy as I was thinking of another:

If you feel like you're playing in a ball game but you don't know what the rules are - it's because YOU'RE THE BALL. .

I think you're over thinking this. He texted you in the morning. It sounds like he was waiting on your text too and he may very well get in touch today to arrange something else. I think a lot of people are reading too much into very little information. It's early stages so both of you might be feeling the whole ' don't want to crowd the other' thing. Try to distract yourself and just see what happens.

fair enough. But I've never been overly interested in playing games.

fwiw the ex that treat me like shit was all over like a rash texts all tge time and big gestures, purposefully it prevented me having a life.

But so far the guy doesn't seem to have done anything wrong. he hasn't played games he just hasn't messaged alltge time.

ifhe doesn't message today when he says then it's the time for the scissors

Wow so much drama and angst! Why not just see how the next date works out and take it from there?

I like that analogy Livingwellnow!

I could really bloody kick myself now though - stupidly I was on FB during the night and saw he was active (I wasn't stalking his profile, just saw he was posting stuff that came up on my news feed). I sent a jokey v lighthearted message, looks like he's read it this morning, but no answer. Im aware I probably sound like a loon now, will see if he contacts today and if not then I'll know for sure.

Just a different viewpoint. I am very private person, friendly but don't give too much away unless I tryst someone.
If I had sex on first date, I would regret it anf feel over exposed and might withdraw afterwards.
Was alcohol involved?

Why did you send a message? Why? You said you were going to delete him and move on. Now you do the complete opposite. You clearly cannot handle these kind of scenarios so you have to get better at protecting your feelings.

I hope your mind is put at rest one way or another today OP.
Although i'd also second going with someone else on Sunday regardless of whether he's free or not. Live your life the way you would if he wasn't in it, and if he is and it's all great, then it's just a bonus. If he isn't you are carrying on as normal.

If he contacts you today and you accept a date for Sunday, the message that gives him is that you're happy to be messed around and last on his list of priorities. That he can contact you last minute when other things fall through and you'll always be available.

Therefore, you need to turn him down politely and leave it to him to re-organise if he can be bothered.

Yeesh dating is complicated, eh?

I don't have much to offer by way of advice; never done online dating or sex on the first date. I don't think either of those things are bad, though. Doesn't sound like either of those things are the problem here either.

But, having been confused by dates in the past, I can tell you for sure that it's only going to be more complicated waiting for answers to something you've questioned from the start.

Maybe take a break from it during the holidays and start fresh in the new year?

FFS you don't need to delete him from facebook or kick him to the curb he hasn't actually done anything wrong has he!

I'll say it again I think you just need to RELAX! Things can get a bit weird if you have sex early on but lets just see what he says about going out on Sunday. And no, you really shouldn't play the game of pretending you aren't available! If you can arrange Sunday you can just go and have a lovely time and hopefully get over the fact you both seem to have been a bit weirded out by getting too heavy too soon.

I think posters that are telling you to get rid of him are being a bit reckless in their advice. You say OP doesn't know him well the people 'advising' that she has nothing more to do with him know him even less. It's easy to sit there and say 'yeah he's a write off' but actually you really don't know that. So far his biggest crime has been not contacting OP enough. He might well turn out to be an arsehole but it's OTT to make that decision now.

Paperlantern's right - or nearly there. Try to do the impossible, imagine what it would be like in his position, finding himself being de-friended from someone he's interested in and getting a cold-shoulder for a date he was looking forward to, You can hear him saying 'wtf went wrong there?'

You are in danger of losing a chance of a relationship NOT because you slept with him on the first date, but because you're here on mumsnet discussing it to the nth degree. Look at these responses you're taking on board - many of the negative ones come from people who give themselves bitchy names. these are people who don't know you, don't know him, and are bringing their own bitter agenda to the table and wanting you to fail at the chance of happiness.

There is only one way to deal with this - speak to him on the phone. Doesn't have to be heavy, just a friendly chat asking whether the potential date is on. If he's keen you'll hear it in his voice. I'm guessing he is - but just as wary as you are (he almost certainly picked up on your concern about the first-date sex, and didn't want you to think he's that kind of man either - he was trying to give you the response he thought you wanted). With men, the mostly likely explanation is usually the simplest. They aren't complicated, they don't need this much analysing. If they are bastards, they are bastards, but if you felt he was sweet and sensitive, a bit insecure about himself, good enough in bed, he probably still is all of those things. And if that's his character, sweet morning texts, a promise to be less heavy until he knows you're ready for more - those are exactly the way he would want to START a relationship , not finish it like all of these Moaning Minnies are trying to persuade you. Listen to his voice, listen to your inner voice when you're with him , not these silly people who are not involved, will not lose what you could, and actually take a small pleasure in helping to make someone else's life a little more unhappy like their own.

Thanks Kevinsmum. I would really actually like to talk to him but I think if I ring it'll look stalker ish. On Monday when he sent the "heavy" text I replied "are you free to talk" and he said he wasn't (he works on a Monday night). No contact on Tues then weird "are you annoyed with me texts" on wed morning. I texted him last night on FB, he didn't reply. We are almost past the deadline when he was meant to let me know if he can make it on Sun and I haven't heard from him. So I think if I ring my dignity would seriously be out the window