Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

655 replies

Laurel1979 · 09/12/2013 19:11

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

OP posts:
beaglesaresweet · 11/12/2013 12:06

now he IS getting seriously annoying - I hate the fact that he wants to 'confirm that you are annoyed with me' (three times already that question, as someone said), he's checking whether you care about his absences, looking to see if you run after him .

He still sounds extremely insecure to me, and trying to see if you could reassure him, by playing obvious games. If he was a real manipulator, he wouldn't check like a puppy every time, what's your reaction (and actually ask you). I don't know, I think he's not ready for relationship at all, you don't want to deal with insecurity on this sccale and he may turn out irrationally jealous if you get together.

beaglesaresweet · 11/12/2013 12:12

and OP, definitely don't reassure him that you 'not annoyed' or 'don't hate' him for sleeping on first date, by sleeping with him next time - get to KNOW him as a person as he is definetely not a straight-forward guy.

Maybe this is his strategy - do what he wants that madly apologises, and appears to agonise, so that you run after him. it may that he's ridiculously immature for his age, but maybe a player still, you need to get to know the real him. In fact ask him straight why is he so insecure, and imply that it's off-putting!

beaglesaresweet · 11/12/2013 12:13

then, not that

wannabedomesticgoddess · 11/12/2013 12:37

I have been you. The guy drove me insane with the mind games and then started telling me I was the needy one.

Steer well clear.

SoleSorceress · 11/12/2013 12:59

My rule is that if a guy says 'nothing too heavy', I dump,.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 11/12/2013 13:03

Even though he has texted it seems too much angst at such an early state.

When I met DH it was easy from day one. No rules about contact. We talked every day and saw each other twice a week due to distance and DH studying. If we wanted to talk, we rang. If we wanted to see the other we called to see if they were free.

If any men are reading can they please tell me why a man would have sex with a woman and then not call again? Aren't they more likely to call as they are guaranteed a shag or are there a lot of men who lime to shag a woman once only?

KatnipEvergreen · 11/12/2013 13:08

Just ring him, bugger the texts and all the pussy-footing around one another, and ask him if he wants to see you again. As you know, you need a bit of notice to plan meeting up with childcare to consider, and you have other things in your life.

Ifancyashandy · 11/12/2013 13:11

You lot have inspired me to delete the texts and number of the guy I met.

You rock!

beaglesaresweet · 11/12/2013 13:53

Toffee, I'm not a man, but I assume that sometimes the sexual compatibility isn't there (even though they thought they were attracted), same as many women stop seeing a man after first-time sex (I've done it). That's wgy the modern wisdom it to sleep ewith a potential BF quickly as the bedroom can ruin everything else if left till much later.
This is not the case with the OP bloke at all, I'm sure, he's not disappeared but he is ridiculously insecure or someone who can't live without game-playing.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 11/12/2013 13:59

I honestly think its that he's immature rather than being cruel or deliberately playing games - that said its still driving me mad.... We are both 35 but he has never had a relationship longer than a year and has been single for a year.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 11/12/2013 14:00

All this analysis and game-playing does sound very complicated. It shouldn't be this difficult, surely? Shouldn't this stage just be about fun and enjoying each other's company?

noseymcposey · 11/12/2013 14:03

I think some of the replies are a bit OTT - just try to relax and chill a bit! You've only been out once and that was only a few days ago.

I agree he does sound quite insecure but not necessarily a reason to write him off.

beaglesaresweet · 11/12/2013 14:05

OP, yes I agree - immature and VERY insecure as he couldn't so far hold on to any relationship. He obv has a lot of issue with emotional attachment (either scared of it, OR gets attached really fast himself and then has to play games to test the partner). When I say game-playing, I mentoned before that it's too obvious to be malicious/designed to get some sex, it's a clumsy game playing to get you to reassure him, imo.

beaglesaresweet · 11/12/2013 14:07

yes, agree not necessary the reason to write him off if insecure, but it depends how deep or difficult aer his issue, it can be a nightmare to deal with - so again, get to know him better before you sleep with him once more.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 11/12/2013 15:10

It could get seriously annoying, tbh I had initially liked the thought of not having other previous serious relationships, I thought he would be less complicated and easier to be in a relationship with compared to my previous exes, but it would drive me mad if he was always this evasive/insecure. Am leaving it that I presume he'll text tomorrow to say if he can/can't go out on Sunday, if he doesn't get picked for the sports thing. If I don't hear from him I'll be too annoyed to want further contact. If he contacts by text that he can't go, I'll ring him and just tell him I don't want messing around. If he texts that he can go, well great I'll meet him on Sunday but will be doing things on my terms (in a nice way) and taking it slow before sleeping together again. Either way, tomorrow is my cut off point and I will not be messed around after that.

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 11/12/2013 16:43

He's 35??! He sounds like a teenager. I think you're in the middle of finding out why he's never had a relationship longer than a year.

It sounds deliberate to me, with his 'are you annoyed other me' passive aggressive shit.

Dump and move on. You met him online - was it on POF? Get yourself back on there and arrange a date with someone more mature and less teen angsty.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 11/12/2013 16:44

'are you annoyed with me' not 'other me'

noseymcposey · 11/12/2013 16:52

Hopefully you will go out on Sunday and that will give you a clearer idea of where you are :)

But I wouldn't judge him too much just yet - sounds like he's a bit anxious about the whole thing and might calm down a bit after another date! I don't think it's fair to judge him on his relationship history either! I had been single for most of my 20's when I met DP and he was divorced - a good thing neither of us drew conclusions from that or we wouldn't be where we are, very happily, today!

LEMisafucker · 11/12/2013 16:59

Anyone who starts talking about "not wanting to get too heavy" after the first time you have sex has probably got frost bite

QuintessentialShadows · 11/12/2013 17:28

Do you really want to be with an immature 35 year old? There is probably a good reason he has no serious relationship experience. He is an immature knob.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 11/12/2013 17:28

I think he is quite anxious, I got that impression during the meal from his body language and also he mentioned medication that he was prescribed last year when he went to see his GP for lightheadedness, which is only really used nowadays to treat anxiety. He also seemed insecure about his appearance, i had already seen photos but he said the night before we met that i might be disappointed when i saw him. There was no need as I really fancied him! Just hope he calms down a bit and stops panicking. Or if he's not interested that he just says so as I'd rather just know!

OP posts:
MillyChristmas · 11/12/2013 18:25

Laurel Im glad you waiting till he texted you.....feels better that way doesn't it?? From what you have said I think I agree with your last post and it does seem that he is interested in you. I think you will hear from him tomorrow. Its early days but you fancy him so go ahead and see where this leads.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 11/12/2013 19:44

beaglesaresweet - That mind-set was just never on my radar. Having sex was a big deal and I was more likely to wait as long as I did for other reasons and never worried about whether things would work in bed. Interesting how everyone views things differently. I was quite fussy about who I had sex with and saw it as a big deal. And dumping someone after one rubbish shag seems rather immature tbh. You can't be amazing from day one, sex like a lot of things can sometimes take practice and effort.

OP, it really doesn't come across as he is insecure to me. It sounds like he is controlling.

SweetSeraphim · 11/12/2013 19:47

I agree with Toffee. I think he's controlling and manipulative. And I'm not really one of those MNers that say that about lots of men.

He likes the game - if you like it too, crack on. But I bet you don't, it'll get very wearing very quickly.

Joysmum · 11/12/2013 19:53

Such a shame if you are both resorting to games. Doesn't say much for the future of this if you both game playing. Cut your losses unless you are both willing to talk to each other. People who are relationship material don't need to be played so if you don't play and instead go straight to the point and see what he says you're both going to be keeping each other in game playing mode and won't find out as soon as you could do.