Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

655 replies

Laurel1979 · 09/12/2013 19:11

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Cutitup · 10/12/2013 22:05

In my experience, if guy wants to be with you, he will do everything he can to make contact with you. That's just my experience though.

The worse thing is, there is nothing you can do to make him text you. He either will or he won't. If he doesn't, it really tells you everything you need to know. He knows you are anxious about sleeping together too soon - and what has he done about it? Exactly what you told him you were scared of. Tells you the story of where he is at.

I do have a friend who just started internet dating. After a disastrous marriage, she finally bit the bullet and went on her first date. They are now totally smitten kittens and have moved in together after 10 weeks of dating. It does happen!

Keep you pecker up.

SweetSeraphim · 10/12/2013 22:06

Listen. There are FUCKING LOADS of them out there. For every one that you like, there are thousands more like him. Honestly. Don't waste your time. Someone that hasn't been in touch since you had sex isn't interested, imo. Next!

Rosencrantz · 10/12/2013 22:07

DH and I had first date sex! Just felt right for us as a couple!

Best of luck!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/12/2013 22:12

Laurel, sorry, I feel as if I'm sticking the knife in but I really wish you could see how this looks in reality.

I won't repeat what I said earlier as there's no need but thinking about it:

Most women like to feel reassured about their boyfriend/partner's feelings about them. It's a feminine thing. Most men do not feel this way, they are wired differently. This man has - according to you - laid his heart on his sleeve, bared his feelings insofar as he was 'terrified that you'd cancel the date so was tempted to switch his phone off...'. If this were true, that he was an emotionally intelligent man, sensitive to your feelings, do you not think that he would be in tune with how you might be feeling? That you might like him to continue the texting?

Even if that didn't enter his mind... if he were truly the sensitive man you portray him to be, why isn't he clamouring to hear from you as you are for him? That's the killer question really... he isn't and you know it. That's why you feel bad.

Now, you have control of how this plays out from here. In your position, I'd get myself a night out with girlfriends, play good no-nonsense songs and get my shit together. Fake it till you make it is a very good philosophy here.

I'd then vow to have nothing more to do with him. Delete his number, don't reply no matter how tempted you are. He knows where you live, if he really is bereft at his shitty behaviour towards you, he knows where to find you.

Make no mistake, Laurel, this man - whatever else - is not being straight with you and if you let him, he'll toy with your feelings and affections revelling in his role as 'puppetmaster' to an out of control woman. That is horrible of him but that's what he's doing right now - he holds you in his thrall. Cut the contact and consider you've had great sex and a lucky escape.

Ask yourself this... would you want your daughter being treated as you are being? No, of course not. So, why do you consider that you deserve less? You deserve everything, a man who will cherish you and your daughter and leave you in no doubt of that. This is not the man.

For your sake - and your daughter's - please dump him. Dump him in your mind and pay no heed to anything more that he may do or say - it has no value whatsoever. You however DO have a value.

Wish you well and strength to stop deluding yourself that this is anything but what it is. It is no diminishment of you as a person, not at all, it's a diminishment of him that he treats a woman this way.

Back2Two · 10/12/2013 22:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

FlatAsSantasSacks · 10/12/2013 22:20

Me and my partner had sex on a first date, actually it wasn't a date it was a night out that turned into meeting turning into sex. We went on a date a week later! Were still here 10 years later and 3 children, but I'm thinking this is an exception.

From what you've read he's not interested, but telling you some of things like what you want to hear and now backing off. I'd hate to be in this dating game again it sounds awful.

aurynne · 10/12/2013 22:30

In my experience, what really puts off many men is not a woman who is keen, but one who over-analyses everything. In fact, this puts off many human beings, male or female.

Instead of making 5 different Hollywood movies in your head trying to explain why he has or hasn't texted, what he may or may not be thinking, what he may or may not mean... For goodness sake woman, think about yourself, do what you want to do, mean what you want to mean. You want to know about him? Ask him! You want to know whether or not there is anything up for Saturday? Well call him and tell him you have better things to do than waiting for him to confirm. Why the constant self-doubt and humiliation? You just met this guy. Whether or not this fizzles out or develops into a full-blown relationship., you have very little to lose. If you are yourself from the beginning, any relationship will start on a good foot. If you already start by devising 20 ways of hiding how you feel, or faking who you are, you will never be in a relationship in which you are true to yourself.

LivingWellNow · 10/12/2013 22:37

He isn't acting weirdly - there's nothing to fathom here. You'd do well to pay particular attention to Lyings last post.

beaglesaresweet · 11/12/2013 01:46

great post, aurynne! found myself re-reading it. so many women should print it out and pin it on their walls Wink - it really SHOULD be this easy and straight-forward.

beaglesaresweet · 11/12/2013 01:50

in his case, I think he is actually very insecure and is acting weird. Try to calm down, OP and see what else he does, if anything. Appear laid-back and just curious (and try to feel this way), not all emotional. Of course he can be a player after all - almost like double bluff! I'm sure all will be clear this week.

Lazyjaney · 11/12/2013 07:03

FGS just text the bugger, tell him you enjoyed yourself and want some more. Then you'll know. These constructs of all sorts of doublethink out of thin air are pointless.

JeanSeberg · 11/12/2013 07:17

For Christ's sake don't text him, he couldn't possibly make it any clearer that he's not interested!

Lazyjaney · 11/12/2013 07:37

Oh bullshit. If you don't know what's going on, just fucking ask. It's 2013, not 1913.

LivingWellNow · 11/12/2013 07:38

Do NOT text him. Really, if he was as into you as you hope he is nothing would stop him getting in touch with you before Thursday. He'd think 'bugger this I can't wait to speak to her again'. Everything you say about him in your OP tells me this is a man who, at best, is ambivalent.

everything you say about you tells me you're not. That's not a good recipe.

HairyGrotter · 11/12/2013 07:44

All this angst for one person...

I said earlier, up thread, I had sex with my fiancé on our first date, he continued to contact me as he had done prior to our first date, it was easy, no head games, no doubting, no stress. It really SHOULDN'T be this fucking stressful and angsty. I feel like I'm back to circa 1995 reading this.

Chalk it up to experience, remember his behaviour for next time, recognise certain behaviours and save yourself all this shite. If he was interested, another date would be made sharpish and communication would remain as it were prior to sex or whatever.

Go find something to do, and when you're ready, look for someone who will value you as you well deserve.

MyBachisworsethanmybite · 11/12/2013 07:52

Good lord, all this ranting from everyone. So many bloody agendas and reading everything from nightmare to marriage into very little.

OP step AWAY from Mumsnet. Talk to the bloke, like he's another human being. Mind-reading doesn't work, making up stories in your head is a waste of energy too. Check back into reality and see how it goes.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 11/12/2013 10:54

Thanks again for the honest replies, they are giving me the kick up the a**e that I probably need!

Well..... I did hear from him this morning - got a Good Morning text, and he asked if I was annoyed with him!! I replied (after an hour) back, and said
No, why did he think that... He thought I was annoyed because he didn't hear from me yesterday! Bloody men...

Exchanged a few lighthearted texts, none relating to when we are meeting again (if we do). So I guess I'll see if I hear from him tomorrow and if not, that's it as far as Im concerned.

OP posts:
MatryoshkaDoll · 11/12/2013 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoisPuddingLane · 11/12/2013 11:32

I slept with a guy - on the 3rd date, very well-behaved for me - and although he'd told me on the first date he was looking for a wife, after we'd had sex he told me it was just a casual thing.

I threw him out. At 3am.

bestsonever · 11/12/2013 11:43

If he's expecting that you would be annoyed, this shows he's aware what he is doing, knows it's wrong, but is doing it anyway - powergame or he's annoyed by what he sees as your lack of contact also, so was reflecting that? Basically, you are pussyfooting around things and finding out little of each others intent.
If he does not want anything heavy, he is effectively saying he doesn't intend to be exclusive with you. I'm guessing you would not be fine to continue in that situation.
Another bad sign no one seems to have picked up on yet, is being way too keen and pursuing at the start. Quick to invest and quick to leave this type can be, they burn brightly but fade fast. Smell a rat if they talk about a future with you when youve just met.

SweetSeraphim · 11/12/2013 11:56

He's playing games. He WANTS you to be annoyed that he wasn't in contact, he's doing it on purpose. Why didn't he contact you, after he has done so every day previously? He's a knob. IMO. Grin

JoinYourPlayfellows · 11/12/2013 11:59

"Exchanged a few lighthearted texts, none relating to when we are meeting again (if we do)."

Well that was pretty well-played if you can't yet bring yourself to stop giving a shite about what this game-player is up to.

If he's playing (and he is), you need to play too.

But soon you'll grow tired of this very silly game and leave him to it.

I KNOW it. Come on, you are way better than this guy.

I mean, you already had to tell him to back off BEFORE YOU EVEN MET HIM!

Ick!

beingacow · 11/12/2013 11:59

This thread has reminded me of something I used to ask myself a lot when I was single - why, in our society, is it considered so terrifying for a woman to express her sexual or romantic interest in a man? Why it is assumed that men will run away screaming if she dares do such a thing? Is misogyny really so deeply ingrained in our culture that, in the context of a new flirtation, if a man texts and and compliments and demonstrates his interest, that is considered normal; but if a woman dares, GASP, to send a text message to a man with whom she has shared a bed, suddenly she is this desperate creature from whom bunnies must be hidden.....

Why? Of course it is important for both parties to protect themselves from getting hurt. But something that I have had to teach myself is this: If I am in a situation where I'm second guessing my communication with someone, or if that person is making me feel uncertain or uncomfortable, I confront or move on. Life is too short, and what is the point in buying into the misogynistic bullshit that teaches us that a woman's passion is mad and bad, while a man's is healthy and fun.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 11/12/2013 12:01

"Is misogyny really so deeply ingrained in our culture that, in the context of a new flirtation, if a man texts and and compliments and demonstrates his interest, that is considered normal; but if a woman dares, GASP, to send a text message to a man with whom she has shared a bed, suddenly she is this desperate creature from whom bunnies must be hidden....."

YES.

"If I am in a situation where I'm second guessing my communication with someone, or if that person is making me feel uncertain or uncomfortable, I confront or move on."

YES.

:)

SoleSorceress · 11/12/2013 12:06

Don't answer calls or texts. Dump the emotional vampire. He is using you to make himself feel wanted and better about his past bitter experiences with other women. He will come back for sex, hold the upper hand and fuck off and you'll feel worse. Take control, forget about him. Date lots of men at the same time.