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Original poster

Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

655 replies

Laurel1979 · 09/12/2013 19:11

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurel1979 · 14/12/2013 16:55

Nothing v exciting Monkey, just I'd put on that a few of us were out for drinks, tagged some names , both male and female. He texted and said it sounded like fun, enjoy my day etc. I don't know why he'd keep in touch if he wasn't interested, unless he's trying to keep his options open etc.

OP posts:
nkf · 14/12/2013 17:04

Nobody has dumped anyone. You went on a date and had sex. There is no relationship. You are making something out of this that it doesn't merit.

I think that you did make a mistake in sleeping with him. Not because it spoiled a big league relationship but because it put you emotionally in a vulnerable position. It sounds as if you feel exposed. I think you should protect yourself and let it go. Learn from it but don't call him any more. He will be pleasant and you will get your hopes up and on and on it will roll.

Let it go.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 14/12/2013 17:11

I'm definitely not initiating contact with him again

OP posts:
HerdyHerdwick · 14/12/2013 17:16

"unless he's trying to keep his options open etc."

as I said earlier, at this point he isn't interested.
He'd be ok with letting you down gently, except that hasn't worked.
So at this point he's also ok with keeping his options open because you have initiated comms with him, but he's not interested enough to see you again or even have the courtesy to let you know about a date you'd discussed.

He'll do the minimum to keep you on the hook but he's not bothered what happens either way.

HerdyHerdwick · 14/12/2013 17:17

Laurel re not initating contact, I'm glad to hear that. But you also have to decide how much longer you'll put up with his meaningless texts. What's your boundary? When do you expect him to come back and make a firm date with you?

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 14/12/2013 17:24

I've decided a week maximum re meaningless texts, after that stage am deleting his number and "de-friending" on Facebook. I should probably be doing that now though, shouldn't I?

OP posts:
HerdyHerdwick · 14/12/2013 17:35

If you defriend him now, it's possible that you'll start to question yourself again and think that you've sent him a message that you're no longer interested and that may mess your head up even more.

So I think I'd keep him on there - remove him from your news feed though - until your deadline .
And next time, maybe don't even add someone on Facebook until you've been out with a couple of times at least? Again, I've limited experience with OLD, and on my Facebook I only have people who are actually friends, so perhaps my advice isn't the best on this Xmas Grin

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 14/12/2013 17:43

Thanks Herdy, I think you're right. And I should remove him from my news feed, as I feel sick every time I see his name coming up. Although I can see that his mates are going round to his place tonight to watch some sports thing, which at least means he isn't going on a hot date. But yes, it would be easier if I wasn't constantly being reminded of him.

OP posts:
lemonmuffin · 14/12/2013 18:31

do The Rules next time, please just try it Smile

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 14/12/2013 18:48

I will I promise!

OP posts:
Cutitup · 14/12/2013 19:17

Don't delete him. That's just childish and bitter. You never know... you could be friends for life. Or...it might happen at some other time. You just never know. I think you did the right thing by calling him. Well done, you!

SweetSeraphim · 14/12/2013 19:56

MyBach - you said

MyBachisworsethanmybite · 14/12/2013 20:08

"Strong women" does generally equal bossy, though. So I think you're agreeing with me.

SweetSeraphim · 14/12/2013 20:27

Doesn't it just mean women that are capable, happy in their own skin and don't take any shit?

MatryoshkaDoll · 14/12/2013 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HanselandGretel · 14/12/2013 21:46

Sounds like you have fallen for him and there's no shame in that, but it does seem like he is ambivalent, at the moment anyhow.
He is being polite but seriously non committal, I feel he didn't want to be rude by ignoring you but he has given no promising indications that he wants to meet for a second time.
Let him off and stop keeping tabs on him as you'll only end up becoming slightly obsessive about what he's up to on FB (I hate the thing and never use it!) Also I wouldn't go becoming 'friends' on there a guy I only went on one date with as they are still very much an unknown quantity and best left off personal social network sites until you know them better.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 14/12/2013 23:05

Yes I am starting to see things more clearly now, I was just really hoping to be honest he was just running scared and would change his mind. I don't know now. I guess I will have a better idea if I hear from him again. I'm beginning to feel a bit stupid now!

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 14/12/2013 23:08

Meant in the kindest terms, you have too much time on your hands to be churning this round and round.

It's nearly Christmas and you have a young daughter. This should be an exciting time packed full of trips to Santa, decorating the tree, making decorations, choosing presents etc etc.

LoisPuddingLane · 14/12/2013 23:12

'Now at least he knows I wasn't actually that bothered.'

Except you are, or have been. More than 500 messages on this thread on the back of one date. That sounds like a bit bothered.

BlodynTatws · 14/12/2013 23:13

Yep, rightly or wrongly you blew it by having sex with him on the first date. He played this very well. He knew exactly how to groom you and how to pull your strings. He constructed a lovely little makebelieve world of the two of you. He got what he wanted. He hasn't tried to see you since at all and ignored you. He knows you still want him. Your short phone call confirmed to him that your still wanting him despite you telling us that you only did it to make yourself feel better. No, you just tried to provoke a response from him. Even on the phone he didn't arrange to see you. Hes done this before so your probably not the first. He has blocked you from the dating site. What does he have to do for you to see that he is just not interested at all. You are watching his facebook and noting his movements and planning how your facebook will look to attract his attention. Your turning into a bit of a bunny boiler here. Your minimising everything you are doing. I understand that you would be very hurt by what this man has done but just stop now before you become the joke amongst his friends.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 14/12/2013 23:20

I know I know..... Yes I admit I am bothered - just didn't want him to think I was.....

I have been doing nice stuff with DD, we've been to a Santa's grotto and the pantomime today!

OP posts:
HanselandGretel · 14/12/2013 23:27

'You wanted him to think, you didn't want him to think' etc etc...STOP trying to manipulate the situation, there lies the way of madness!

Glad you've had a nice day with your DD.

JeanSeberg · 14/12/2013 23:33

I wasn't meaning to suggest you've neglected your daughter, just advising to keep busy. And your daughter must be picking up on how distracted you are at the moment.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 14/12/2013 23:37

I hope she isn't...... I'm so pissed off with myself at the minute, if he has been "playing" me and deliberately "groomed" the situation that I would sleep with him then I'm an idiot, I accept that. I've been with worse men in the past but this really seemed different. If he and his friends are laughing at me I probably deserve it then. Maybe it was revenge for me telling him he was too keen in August when he first contacted me, I don't know.....

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 14/12/2013 23:51

unless he's trying to keep his options open etc

I think this is the nail on the head.

You're investing in this way too much.

You've had one date.

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