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Original poster

Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

655 replies

Laurel1979 · 09/12/2013 19:11

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurel1979 · 14/12/2013 16:11

I didn't mention Thursday, just said I'm too busy this weekend with friends, before he had the chance to mention it. It was only a short phone call

OP posts:
MyBachisworsethanmybite · 14/12/2013 16:11

Um, so he kinda dumped you by not replying, so you kinda dumped him by ringing and saying you weren't that interested anyway.

And you're going to maybe do it again some time. [Confused]

Glad you feel better about it though.

MillyChristmas · 14/12/2013 16:11

are.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 14/12/2013 16:14

Well, I can see what you mean. But I just feel better for doing it, I'd hate for someone to think I was at home pining for them and they have the upper hand, if you know what I mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurel1979 · 14/12/2013 16:15

I don't know if I would do it again. I wouldn't sleep with him again that's for sure.

OP posts:
MillyChristmas · 14/12/2013 16:18

Do you mean you would actually go out with him still.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 14/12/2013 16:20

I don't know. It would depend on when he contacts me and what he says. I think I'll hear from him soon. If its just crappy vague messages then no, I wouldn't. If he appeared interested and made some effort then I might, but I'm not making myself readily available either to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurel1979 · 14/12/2013 16:22

I didn't think I had anything to lose by ringing. The way things stood, he thought I wanted a serious relationship and I didn't know what was happening. Now at least he knows I wasn't actually that bothered

OP posts:
HerdyHerdwick · 14/12/2013 16:24

Laurel I didn't expect you to ask him why he never got back to you about the date. The onus was on him to give you the excuse reason.
Him not getting back to you, when he knew you were waiting for his response, was rude. And it was even more rude of him to not mention it as soon as the conversation started.

At this point, he simply isn't interested and that phone conversation smacks of him trying to 'let you down gently'. Happens a lot. It's cowardly behaviour to not be straight.
He may find that he's interested at some point in the future, but right now he isn't interested.

His words and actions should match. Someone who is telling you they want to see you again but isn't planning anything and isn't even initating communication? Words don't match the action.
And this applies in all relationships, not just romantic ones.

HerdyHerdwick · 14/12/2013 16:25

Why did he think you wanted a serious relationship? Is that what's on your profile? If so, is it not true? I'm getting confused Xmas Grin

Writerwannabe83 · 14/12/2013 16:27

If he wasn't interested he wouldn't have answered the phone.
If he didn't want to talk or see her again then he would have ignored her call.

But he didn't.

Unless you used 1471 Op Grin - but I'm guessing hoping you didn't Grin

MillyChristmas · 14/12/2013 16:28

Well if that's what you want and he pulls his finger out and "man ups' then fair enough.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 14/12/2013 16:28

Well he did text me today. But that may have been as I had put updates on my FB page which included that I was out with a group of male and female friends. Or maybe not, it's hard to know. I don't know why he'd keep in touch if he completely wasn't interested.

I'll update if there is any more contact- that is, if you aren't all bored to tears by the saga....

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurel1979 · 14/12/2013 16:29

I didn't use 1471 lol, my number would have come up on his mobile!

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 14/12/2013 16:29

I can understand what you mean.

Perhaps that you've broken the deadlock of should I/shouldn't I call - will we/won't we meet. And it's a relief that you're clear now where you stand. Sometimes the brain can take a while to catch up with the heart.

As long you feel better, that's all that matters, not what anyone else thinks.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 14/12/2013 16:30

I think on my profile I had put looking for a relationship, and so had he

OP posts:
lemonmuffin · 14/12/2013 16:32

I'm glad you feel better Laurel, maybe learn from this for next time tho.

HerdyHerdwick · 14/12/2013 16:36

Writer, I really don't think his answering the call is firm evidence at all of his interest. If he's trying to let her down gently he probably believes he can just feed her more BS and she'll eventually ''get the message" about how busy he is.

Laurel, I agree that if you really do feel better then that's all that counts now.
And if what you want is for him to do a massive turnaround, then I hope he does.
Best of luck!

Plumbingtrouble · 14/12/2013 16:37

Hey Laurel, I have been watching this with interest as I got involved with someone 5 months ago and have posted on another thread.
The difference is I was married but the marriage had been dead for a long time and sexless for 4 and we have now separated. The OM was the catalyst if I am totally honest.

Anyway, I feel your pain. This guy approached me in a bloody shop FGS whilst I was minding my own business. I got sucked in. We met a couple of times, had sex after about 6 weeks (although had only actually seen him 4 times in those 6 weeks). To cut a long story short, we have been texting like mad, he has showered me with compliments, we get along brilliantly and the sex was amazing.

We met last Tuesday, he wanted to see me again Thursday, then Friday but I couldn't and then we met again last Sat night for dinner. Had a great time and chatted in the car after until 12.30. He even asked if I could get away for a few days between xmas and new year to go to bloody Switzerland!

Anyway, texts still flowing but felt he had cooled off. Had a conversation Wednesday night and he has pulled the plug. Says he is not sure where he wants to live and that stuff is complicated blah blah. He can't see me as he is falling me blah blah and if he moves way it would be sad for both of us.

He is 47 and never been married with his longest relationship being 3 years. I personally think he cannot commit to anything. he has been talking about moving in to a flat for months and that has not happened.

The point I am trying to make is that it is so easy to get swept up in it all and lose yourself and I can totally empathise. I feel sick with sadness at what has happened and foolish for allowing myself to get wrapped up in this, but it is human nature. I am leaving my mobile in my bedroom cos the waiting for texts and their content was killing me. We are still in touch with texts (not sure how good an idea that is though)

We all want to be wanted at the end of the day and I truly feel there is someone out there for everyone.

Sorry rambling on here, but I just feel that we both feel the same and those feelings are not good; insecure, irrational and certainly not like me and I am sure not like you. I have lost 5 pounds due to stress and a total lack of appetite.

So, look after yourself and your dd and we will find someone who flaming well deserves us.

xx

HerdyHerdwick · 14/12/2013 16:38

X posted.
If you're not looking for a relationship then don't put that on your profile! It's not fair to the guys who are looking for a relationship and it's confusing. And apparently it's the reason this one has been put off.

Wuxiapian · 14/12/2013 16:42

But, he does have the upper hand and knows it as you're the one doing all the chasing!

He's obviously not that interested. Forget him and move on.

MillyChristmas · 14/12/2013 16:42

Keep is informed....please . It will be interesting to see how he responds now. Smile

MillyChristmas · 14/12/2013 16:42

"us"

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 14/12/2013 16:47

I will do :-)

OP posts:
MonkeysInTheFog · 14/12/2013 16:49

So what did his text say?