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Original poster

Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

655 replies

Laurel1979 · 09/12/2013 19:11

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

OP posts:
MillyChristmas · 13/12/2013 09:52

H

MillyChristmas · 13/12/2013 09:52

He is not interested and she deserves better.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 13/12/2013 09:57

Right I think I've finally got the message from him...... Anyway thanks all of you for your support, and I hope this thread may be of use to others in the same position. I really appreciated all the support, it's been a shitty week.

OP posts:
Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 13/12/2013 10:12

Sorry you've had a tough time Laurel Thanks

Anyoneforacheckup · 13/12/2013 10:14

Laurel, it seems to me he's half looking for a relationship and half wanting to wait a while before getting together with someone.
He seems a more serious type , but not ready to commit and he jumped in too soon and isn't comfortable.
Shame, but nothing you've done wrong x

HerdyHerdwick · 13/12/2013 10:16

Sorry it's been a shitty week.
Have some Wine tonight, and put this one behind you.
Oh and dont be surprised if you don't get a random ambiguous/non committal message from him at some point.

HerdyHerdwick · 13/12/2013 10:17

"don't get" should have read "do get" of course Blush

Icklemariposa01 · 13/12/2013 10:23

How do they do it!

Before DH there were countless guys who at first I really wasn't that bothered about and they just kept on texting, messaging me with charming, witty, flirty ways. The chase. And then you're like - ok hang on. Yeah this could be good! And bang. They've got your attention, they've reeled you in and all of a sudden they've backed off, walking backwards, away, muttering ah shit didn't mean it. And then somehow you get turned in to this over analysing banshee!! And you didn't give a hoot in the first place!!!

It's understandable that you had all these different feelings. With being single. But don't give up. There are men put there that won't play games. The last bloke that did that to me. I actually made him to meet up with me and has a right go at him. Saying exactly what I said here. Why can't you just be straight with me. The bloke after that started to play games. We were all out one night and kept on blowing hot and cold. Here we YET again I thought. For three years I had been single and this was the like the 10th millionth guy. I got up and left. That was that! Next guy I met I got to know for 6 months and then went on a date with him. Now we are married.

I had the luxury of working with my DH. That's how I got to know him.

Online dating and the like its difficult to do that.

I don't think by sleeping with him on the 1st date effed things up. It's just he's that kind of guy.

BlueSkySunnyDay · 13/12/2013 10:30

Wow glad im not single any more, I was rubbish at this stuff.

I will say that I often used the "dont want anthing too heavy" phrase, not because I wasnt interested in someone but because I wanted to suss them out casually before getting heavily involved.

If a man was too intense and involved too quickly that always raised a red flag to me - I couldnt see it as a personal thing and felt that perhaps they were the rush in and rush out types.

I think if you are going to analyse things this much then perhaps having sex with someone so soon is not for you - unfortunately you have made this mistake with a man who its either not for either or is a player. Its not overly obvious to me from this thread which he is.

He said he already had something on Sunday, perhaps he did!

If you have said "I am still interested in seeing you...but we can keep it light for now" then the ball is in his court.

waltermittymissus · 13/12/2013 10:32

Laurel I'm sorry it's been a shitty week. Get yourself out there this weekend and enjoy it!

He's not worth any more time.

And to the Call Him posters:

She asked him about the Christmas market.

He was supposed to get back to her.

She messaged him.

He ignored her for 24 hours.

What else would you like her to do?

They had one date. It didn't work out. Onwards and upwards.

MatryoshkaDoll · 13/12/2013 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JeanSeberg · 13/12/2013 10:38

Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

To answer your original question, no you didn't blow it by having sex on the first date.

But for the future and to protect your feelings I think it would be better to hold off on sex until you're sure that you are actually going to end up dating.

If you'd just met him for a coffee on that first 'date', I don't think you would have had as much heartache this week.

I hope you have something nice planned for the weekend with friends or family.

worldgonecrazy · 13/12/2013 10:50

I always have sex on the first date - saves wasting time if they're rubbish in bed we're sexually incompatible.

But you don't blow a relationship by doing that - if he's an arse, he'll be an arse whether you have sex on the first or tenth date. Except by the tenth date you may have invested more emotions in him.

You've had a lucky escape!

HerdyHerdwick · 13/12/2013 10:53

I don't think that you blew it by having sex with him either.

I'd like to see what others think of what I'm going to suggest now, because my experience with OLD is limited.
But maybe it's best to not have too much contact before the first date ? You had two weeks of his good morning texts and you'd both already talked about sex on the first date etc.
I wonder if all that comms builds up expectations too much and gives a false sense of intimacy, ie you feel you already know each other well even before you've actually met.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 13/12/2013 10:54

Thanks you guys, it means a lot to have support like this :-)

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 13/12/2013 10:56

I agree. I had two months of contact with someone prior to the first date. This was mainly because at the time we were in different countries. I was about to move there so was putting out dating-feelers.

Two months of email, texting, skyping. And then after we slept together the silent dumping.

So yes, it is probably better to not work oneself up beforehand, and to be mindful of the fact that sex tends to bring emotion into it. For many of us, anyway.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 13/12/2013 10:57

Anyoneforacheckup I think you've summed him up well, it's exactly the impression I got, he jumped in too fast and is now seriously back pedalling. Who knows, I reckon he'll be in contact but I'm certainly not going to jump in quickly like that again.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 13/12/2013 11:01

Completely agree with you Herdy.

When I used to do OD, I'd chat to several people at once:

  • some would disappear after a few messages
  • some would shit themselves when I suggested meeting up
  • a few would get to the point where we could arrange a meet-up
  • of the few left maybe one or two would actually lead to a 'date'

Up to that point, my aim was to establish that we had enough things in common that it was worth meeting up in the 'real world' and then for that meeting to take place as soon as possible.

So perhaps we'd exchange a few messages on the dating site to get to know a little bit about each other, then suggest meeting to determine if they're serious or not, then swap mobile numbers and meet up asap. Depending on other commitments, no more than a maximum of a 2 weeks between first contact and a meeting (which should be short and sweet in order to see if both parties want to organise a 'proper' date after that).

I wouldn't sleep with them on the first date purely because I can't handle one-night stands, not for any moral reason or risk of ruining any future prospect.

CalamitouslyWrong · 13/12/2013 11:18

This is a definite case of 'if it's this hard now...'

You really don't need anything that involves the amount of effort or analysis this has. If analysis is your thing, do a PhD. Grin

Writerwannabe83 · 13/12/2013 11:58

I agree about Online Dating being potentially responsible for investing too much in somebody before you even meet them. If you talk online or text for weeks it can give you the sense of 'knowing them' and having a bond with them, when really it is just words on a screen. I understand you were calling each other but we can all be something we're not behind the anonymity of a handset.

I met my now husband online and we had our first date two days after he originally messaged me. I was wary of falling into the trap of constantly chatting and taking no action etc so we just bit the bullet and decided to go for it to see if we were compatible in the flesh.

ImBronnie · 13/12/2013 12:37

Worldgonecrazy you have said you always have sex on the first date, but have you gone on to actually be in a proper long term relationship after.?

worldgonecrazy · 13/12/2013 13:03

ImBronnie usually, yes, and those that haven't have been nothing to do with having sex on the first date and everything to do with me or the other party not wanting to take things more seriously. 3 x LTR of a year or two each, a marriage that lasted 10 years and I have been with my current DH for 11 years.

Having said that, I have never done online dating (it was seen as a shameful last resort when I was younger, and didn't exist at all when I started forming relationships), and it looks like it's a different world to just meeting someone you like and arranging to go for a meal/drink with them as a first date.

UrethraFranklin · 13/12/2013 13:12

Chances are by the time he realises he's fucked up, you'll be way over it and onto the next Xmas Wink

Lovevhate · 13/12/2013 13:21

Just let it go. You talk like you know him but you don't. He's a prat. End of.

MillyChristmas · 13/12/2013 13:27

Thanks World Grin