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Original poster

Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

655 replies

Laurel1979 · 09/12/2013 19:11

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

OP posts:
anapitt · 13/12/2013 01:57

phone him

beaglesaresweet · 13/12/2013 02:15

Op did say that she doesn't want to phone, because if he doesn't answer at all she'll feel low. It's her choice, and I can see her point, why risk more humiliation?
If she phoned purely to find out why - I'm amazed some posters think that he'll just be honest and explain. What can he say that's satisfactory? That it's all ruined by sex on 1st date, and that she must 'hate him' as he has put it? pathetic and wet. If he met someone else online or wants to keep options open - does she want to know that in so many words? He's too wet to be so direct anyway. There really is no point asking the reason. He may also have some weird reason (issues of his own, scared of getting emotional, still hung up on an ex) that he's not going to share. It sounds to me know that all his latest attempts at contact are almost to make OP to dump him (after she gets annoyed after all). Maybe he thinks he doesn't deserve her (probably true, as things are going).

niceupthedance · 13/12/2013 05:58

Sorry he turned out to be a bit of a dickhead. There's a lot of it about.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 13/12/2013 07:04

I can't believe the op isn't being advised to 'get answers' or closure from him. They had one date!

To constantly contact someone who has told you they don't want a relationship and who is ignoring you is not strong and independent it's weird.

Re the rules- the writer Melissa banks did a pastiche (?) of them in her short story collection the girls guide to hunting and fishing. It's great.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 13/12/2013 07:05

I meant is being advised- doh!

LivingWellNow · 13/12/2013 07:17

I get it.

Whatever he thinks, feels, wants blah blah blah; the most important thing to you is that he doesn't think badly of you. No-one here thinks you did the wrong thing in shagging him (if I remember all 378 previous OP's correctly). The only way he can let you know that is to tell you himself by being the bloke you thought he might be prior to the shag. He hasn't done that. So you're left wondering what he thinks of you, what he thought of you before the shag. Was it all for real, did he get cold feet, is he just full of angst.

It's a shame that it doesn't seem to have worked out Laurel. You might not hear what you want to hear from him either way. So you have to make your own mind up and then let it go. No-one likes to think they've fallen for a line, been gullible, invested a lot too soon, been rejected, made mistakes. But that's just how it is sometimes. You have given this man far too much power when in reality he's just an ordinary bloke who isn't on the same page as you - you're not compatible.

peasandlove · 13/12/2013 07:42

seriously.. wow.
if you're into him, call him, suggest a meetup. If he's keen, he'll be there, if he's not, he'll make his excuses.
you've got some seriously weird advice in this thread.

leopardprintsock · 13/12/2013 07:48

the OP has already asked to call him, has sent him a message, both of which he has ignored, she doesnt need to call him too.

I do think its nutss however, that people think she can just phone him up and expect him to honestly say why he doesnt want to see her again, that is never going to happen. He will lie, or bluff, and the OP wont have any kind of closure at all, because she wont know if thats the actual reason or just bull.

The only closure shes going to get in this case, is by drawing a line under it herself and moving on.

It happens, its not the end of the world, and she will be less quick to believe shit people/men say sometimes.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 13/12/2013 07:49

Well he has replied to my Facebook message, along the lines of "sorry I've just got in from work, saw your message" but I haven't replied as I don't really know what to say in response to that. Will see if there's any contact today

OP posts:
Wishihadabs · 13/12/2013 07:53

Ok I've been married (to my Steven Hawking) for 15 years but I would send a one liner text message.....call me. That's it no more. If he wants to see you again he will...simples (well to me, but as I say feel free to ignore out of date dating advice)

MoleyMick · 13/12/2013 07:57

Just leave it now, write it off as a good night that is probably going nowhere... Even if he contacts you now, are you really still interested? All this second-guessing and game playing and who calls who first just says to me it's not meant to be." And sounds exhausting. Surely it shouldn't be so hard and angst-filled??

JeanSeberg · 13/12/2013 07:57

Well he has replied to my Facebook message, along the lines of "sorry I've just got in from work, saw your message"

He's making sure you're still hanging on the end of that thread, isn't he.

Time to get your scissors out.

Wishihadabs · 13/12/2013 08:07

That's the idea of a curt call me text he needs to jump dosent he ? It's making it clear you won't be messed about. Or am I wrong ?

JeanSeberg · 13/12/2013 08:16

No way would I be going on a date with someone I've had to practically drag it out of, assuming he even responded to my text...

peasandlove · 13/12/2013 08:22

what more do you expect from him? does he need to beg?
guys are not chicks, they are not very expressive with their feelings. He's doing his best from what I can see. You're overthinking it and going to ruin any chance with him

JeanSeberg · 13/12/2013 08:26

what more do you expect from him?

Confirming arrangements on the day he said he would, would be a start... Not difficult is it?

peasandlove · 13/12/2013 08:30

do you actually think he's been logged into his facebook account on the offchance the OP may have sent him some vague message on there? please.
let the OP remain single forevermore on the advice of every mumsnetter who ever got burned by a man

JeanSeberg · 13/12/2013 08:44

Oh give it a rest with labelling us all jaded/burned/bitter/whatever...

HerdyHerdwick · 13/12/2013 09:01

Laurel him replying 24 hours later to your FB message is just crumbs.
He knows damn well you're waiting for him to give you an answer about whether he's going to come out on the Sunda date YOU asked him on and didn't give you a straight reply about.
If he was truly interested, his FB reply would have said something like "I'll call you at xx time for a chat" or he'd have said about arranging another date. He'd have definitely mentioned excuses regret at not contacting you like he promised.
If he was truly interested he'd still be communicating with you as often as he was before you met, and he would have already got a firm date fixed with you, even if it has to be next weekend due to your mutual schedules etc. At the very least he would have called you when he said he was going to about plans for this weekend.

If you want to call him, do it. (Although after all this I wouldn't). He may not answer. He may be evasive - AGAIN - about arranging another date. He may arrange another date.
If you really are prepared to handle any of those outcomes, without feeling worse than you do now, and it feels like the right thing to you to call him, then do it.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 13/12/2013 09:05

God forbid she should ruin her chance with this wishy washy guy who really can't be arsed with her.

If you do want to see a guy who won't arrange dates and doesn't want anything 'heavy' then yes, pursue him. He's telling you what he is and what you can expect, it you like that, go for it.

LivingWellNow · 13/12/2013 09:18

Well I think you win the 'Most Tenacious OP of the Week' Laurel.

I have to bail but I wish you luck.

ALittleStranger · 13/12/2013 09:21

Peas you are just trolling. No one wants the OP to be unhappy. What people are saying is that if he was interested he'd had done something by now. You shouldn't have to wrench a date out of someone like a rotten tooth even if that is your style.

They have been on a date. They have slept together. She has asked him for a second date. She has repeatedly contacted him and made clear he's waiting for an answer. How on earth could you be wondering if she's interested Why in that scenario would he be too scared to confirm the bloody plan? He either wants to keep some back-up crumbs around or finds it too awkward to tell someone he's just slept with he doesn't want to see her again.

And that, IMHO, is the only risk involved in first date sex. Even if there's an attraction you don't really know what you think of them and either party is perfectly entitled to go home and decide they don't want to see anyone again. If you have sex that just makes any mis-matched first impressions that bit more awkward.

Maybe that's why I call first date sex a one night stand.

MatryoshkaDoll · 13/12/2013 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 13/12/2013 09:39

Wishidabs- you are spot on. I no longer do the whole texting/ angsting over if he likes me, anylising throwaway comments. If he likes me, he will call me.
If he doesn't like me enough, he will try and play these kinds of games. Simple. It really is! I wish I had figured it out sooner. And sometimes, when you are so hung up (dangling on that string) on whether he likes you, you forget to ask yourself how much you really like him!

These days I am serene and calm, and I know that , if he's the right guy, he will show he likes me. After all, I want an open, kind man, so why would I even go for a guy who acts shifty!? Both the good relationships I have had in the past,neither party has " chased". Its been more of a running towards each other!
I wish women would value themselves more, and not spend valuable time thinking about men who arnt thinking about them!

bestsonever · 13/12/2013 09:43

The best reason not to have sex on a first OD is because it's too early to tell whether they will behave in this manner. Morality does not come into it, it's just better to protect yourself from these players who will move on if you do or don't sleep with them. Far better to suss them out beforehand. I've had some lucky escapes I'd say by holding back then realising hpw shallow they can be. Sort out wheat from chaff before leaping in .