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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

655 replies

Laurel1979 · 09/12/2013 19:11

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

OP posts:
PPaka · 12/12/2013 21:28

Bloody hell, what a palaver!
I think going to a Christmas market is a bad idea for a 2nd date, especially with someone dithering about 'getting serious'
Too awkward

I don't think you've embarrassed yourself so far at all
But you're in a tricky situation
I say, just call him
Suggest a drink/coffee/lunch

fiftyandfab · 12/12/2013 21:45

I have a hoof in both fields on this one. Am of no use to you whatsoever, other than I feel your pain Hmm

HellonHeels · 12/12/2013 21:46

Oh god no do NOT call him again!

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 12/12/2013 21:52

I would bet my chocolate on this man only calling you again when he wants a shag. Sorry.

whyme32 · 12/12/2013 21:58

CALL HIM! What is the worse that can happen? You will KNOW if he is interested. No more second guesses by you or MN and no more obsessively checking your phone for texts for the next week. If by calling him, he ends up thinking you are some kind of bunny boiler then he's an idiot. You have nothing to lose by calling.

FlatAsSantasSacks · 12/12/2013 22:03

Laurel, stop making excuses for him. If you're doing it now before you've even set foot into date 2 then its kind of set the precedent.

Best mark a line under it all now, and move on before anymore feelings are in involved.

Have a good carefree christmas and you never know what's around the corner.

fiftyandfab · 12/12/2013 22:06

ok I'm kinda with whyme on this....nothing to lose by calling and finding out one way or the other, if he turns out to be an arse, it doesn't matter, you'll have moved on... though I think I wouldn't

MatryoshkaDoll · 12/12/2013 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeMaz · 12/12/2013 22:34

I'm going to suggest something that won't be so popular with the other ladies on here but I would call him one last time!
I'm quite stubborn when it comes to things like this but I would just want to know. If he answers the phone then great but if he doesn't then I would just switch off my phone and never contact him again.

MatryoshkaDoll · 12/12/2013 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 12/12/2013 22:44

He's ignored a message and not phoned to confirm plans on the day he said he would. Why on earth should she call him?! That's the very definition of desperate!

kaumana · 12/12/2013 22:45

OH MY GOD, DO NOT PHONE HIM!! Sorry for the caps, I rarely post on threads like this but I agree with those above who have stated that he is just not into you. Move on, enjoy what it was and try to enjoy dating without turning yourself into knots.

whyme32 · 12/12/2013 22:45

She knows she's not desperate! Who cares what he thinks? A quick telephone conversation just to clarify things sounds a whole lot more sensible than the telepathy going on from both sides.

Fairylea · 12/12/2013 22:46

Don't call.

Eat a tub of ice cream and watch "he's just not not that into you".

"If a man wants to be with you, he will make that happen". - from the film. Sad but so true. As I have learnt many times !

kaumana · 12/12/2013 22:51

It's coming up for 11pm, I can assure you that a call would not be welcome at the moment.

LoisPuddingLane · 12/12/2013 22:54

I am also in the "don't call" camp. His silence is your answer. NEXT!

ALittleStranger · 12/12/2013 22:55

Why bother calling him when he's already ignored a message from her? She already has her answer.

Exactly. I do not understand why people who say 'you need an answer' don't get that a failure to make contact or plans is your answer.

2rebecca · 12/12/2013 23:26

It sounds as though he has changed his mind which is a shame, but I'm not sure not sleeping with him would have made any difference. I've never seen the point of playing games with sex and "holding out" like a high school virgin. If a bloke is going to not contact me again because we had sex "too early" in the relationship then he's a game playing pillock and it wouldn't have worked anyway.

waltermittymissus · 13/12/2013 00:01

You don't need an answer, I agree.

You have it.

Don't give it any more headspace!

frenchmanicure · 13/12/2013 00:02

If you want to call, or text, or whatever, then do it. Ultimately, it won't make a difference to the outcome - if he's a prick now, he'll still be a prick when you contact him. If he's a nice, but lacking in confidence or slightly shy bloke, then contacting him won't do any harm, and may actually do some good.

If he doesn't respond, or is terse, then you have a form of closure. Which I know is something that I need in these situations. Doesn't make you weak for wanting that, or a worse person than others. I don't like the 'I'm better than ever contacting a man' attitude. It comes across as overly smug, as though by choosing to contact you are somehow weak, or not quite as good.

There's no magic formula to relationships. I've had 2 (that I know of, might be more) where if I hadn't pursued the bloke, nothing ever would have happened. They admitted as much to me.

Conversely, I've also dated blokes who went a bit hot and cold, I thought they were messing me around, and they either admitted it - and that they weren't looking for a relationship - or disappeared into the ether. But either way I'd tried and got an answer, or at least felt satisfied that I'd tried/ done my best.

The man I am currently dating - the whole background to our first date would (if I posted it) have everyone saying 'oh you'll never see him again'. Our first few dates were spent at his house, for ex. But it works. It's not perfect, cos real life isn't, it's not all easy and plain sailing. But I don't think it has to be in order to be good!

Ateotd, you have to be true to yourself. If you want to send a text to give him a last chance, or to draw a line, or whatever, you'll know if it will help to do so (I know it would me) and if you honestly feel it would, then go ahead.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 13/12/2013 00:15

I see where french is coming from. Closure is a good thing. I mean, it's pretty obvious he's backed off, but if you want to know why then go ahead and ask him. Might help you for future relationships.

YoungBritishPissArtist · 13/12/2013 00:16

I feel like this thread has been infiltrated by Rules girls. Scary!

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 13/12/2013 00:17

I know I've said don't contact previously, but you obviously want to know why he's cooled off.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 13/12/2013 00:20

haha, young the OP has contacted him several times and been ignored. Why keep chasing? My mum taught me:"Don't think about someone who's not thinking about you", or something like that. I think it's a good rule for love relationships or any other type of relationship really!

frenchmanicure · 13/12/2013 00:26

I'm completely anti-Rules. Not least because if you're a strong-minded, opinionated, independent woman, that just doesn't fit with the completely passive approach the Rules etc require - and if you try to follow it, looks rather obviously like gameplaying.