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Original poster

Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

655 replies

Laurel1979 · 09/12/2013 19:11

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

OP posts:
SpicedGingerTea · 12/12/2013 18:38

This thread is fascinating, am watching with interest.
I've been separated for 18 months and am tentatively dipping my toe into online dating. This has been essential reading for me - so many viewpoints, and I can understand most of them.
It's all so bloody complicated these days!

SweetSeraphim · 12/12/2013 19:40

here you go TrickyTree

BitOutOfPractice · 12/12/2013 19:44

Can I go against the grain here?

And bear in mind that I am a recent graduate of the online dating scene

And fuck me it makes you jaded I can tell you!

I think it sounds like he is panicking that he's freaked YOU out - not the other way round.

Call him. Ask him. Talk directly and honestly.

And good luck

Writerwannabe83 · 12/12/2013 19:50

I agree with you bitoutofpractice - I can imagine him sitting at home panicking that he has said or done the wrong thing and wondering whether she's till wants to see him on Sunday or not. Neither of you know what the other is thinking and so are waiting for the other to 'make the first move' and 'do the chasing' - which means stale mate!!

Just drop the games and 'rules' - ask him outright if he is able to make it on Sunday and just take it from there.

HerdyHerdwick · 12/12/2013 20:06

OP is the one who suggested their next date, at the Christmas Market, not him. Isn't that sending a clear message to him that she's interested ?
Let's say he really did have to get plans sorted out today. If that was the case, that is ok. But notice he didn't offer an alternative date at that time?
Surely OP suggesting the date, and messaging him on FB it should be clear to him that she's keen. But he didn't reply.
What more encouragement could he need?

I tend to think he'll be in touch again at some point but he seems a bit wishy washy to me and I'm not convinced that can be attributed to him not being sure if she's interested or not.
That said, who knows? Twenty years from now they could be together and laughing about how it nearly never happened because they each thought the other wasn't interested. Smile

ALittleStranger · 12/12/2013 20:18

The OP has made it clear she's interested. I'm not a Rules woman at all, but I do think it's true that if a man is interested he'll ask you out. Even the most shy, most socially indept men manage it. And they don't tend to over-analyse whether they've done the right thing.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/12/2013 20:35

Laurel... Of course you must do what you want to do, it's your life and only you are going to be affected by your decisions. However, you've posted here and all the information we have about this man and your relationship is from YOU. Obviously you're not very happy with the way things are going. Leaping on advice of posters that strikes a chord with you is only a short-term salve, you know that things aren't what you want them to be - you've said so yourself.

My motivation in posting here on your thread is that I would want a friend to tell me to stop it if I were in danger of making myself a laughing stock because they'd know that I'd find that very difficult to take. I'm a woman's woman if there is such a thing and I don't agree with patting you on the head and telling you what you want to hear because I don't believe it to be true or even likely.

I think you know deep down what the situation is. You have a young impressionable daughter who will be taking her lead from you. She'll meet nice people and gameplayers all her life long... she needs to be equipped with the tools to deal with those whose intentions are unclear to protect herself.

bumbleymummy · 12/12/2013 20:46

I'm with Kevin'smum and BitOutOfPractice.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 12/12/2013 20:49

Ifnotnowthenwhen I nearly choked when I read the second line of your post, love it!

I can see all the viewpoints, and to be honest I do think he's thinking he may have offended me and doesn't know what to do. However I think I've made it clear I am interested ie texting last night, suggesting Sunday market etc. unfortunately he never did get back to me about whether he could go, and he would definitely know by know if he'll be free. It would be so tempting to ring casually just in case he is worrying, however I would find it humiliating if he didn't answer or get back to me etc. I was toying with the idea of a casual phone call just to say thanks for dinner, have a nice Christmas etc, but the thought of him ignoring the call or thinking Im harassing him would stop me from doing this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurel1979 · 12/12/2013 20:50

I do have the feeling he will make contact, but that it will be in the form of a vague text.

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 12/12/2013 20:54

I don't think he's worrying whether he's offended you - why would he?

waltermittymissus · 12/12/2013 20:55

Is he really worth all this mind fuckery? Really?!

ALittleStranger · 12/12/2013 21:00

Why would he be worrying he's offended you? You keep getting in touch with him, hardly the actions of an offended woman.

TJH1 · 12/12/2013 21:01

IfNotNow-yes, a great post. Sorry but he has moved on.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 12/12/2013 21:04

Well it seems there is a big market for the kind of man who sits at home "panicking" after a date unable to agree to another, who tells a woman he doesn't want anything heavy, who regrets having sex and doesn't bother to answer her texts or messages.

I stand corrected. I had no idea some women like this.

HerdyHerdwick · 12/12/2013 21:07

Has he responded to your FB message?

TJH1 · 12/12/2013 21:07

Thesisa-I totally agree with you-OP please leave it now

BitOutOfPractice · 12/12/2013 21:07

I'm not saying that at all this. Just like there's not a market for women who panic after doing something they regret after a first date and then stop texting / communicating unless in the middle of the night on FB while waiting for the man to guess how they feel either.

Like all things, most problems can be solved by talking openly and honestly which neither the oP or the man has done here. They are both sitting at home trying to second guess the other, neither saying how they really feel

TJH1 · 12/12/2013 21:09

Really?

Coconutty · 12/12/2013 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaRegina · 12/12/2013 21:13

AAH! Laurel - can I pretend to be your mum for a minute? Now listen carefully dear Smile

Just imagine you meet a really lovely man; one who really seems to tick all the boxes. Then imagine that you start dating and it's just really easy and straightforward with no angst whatsoever. He calls you when he says he will, he doesn't blow hot or cold - he makes it really clear that he wants to be with you. You are really happy because you have found a real grown up man.

Doesn't that sound fantastic? And more importantly isn't that what you really want, for you and your DD?

Well it can happen and it probably will - there are plenty of grown up men out there. So do you really want to waste your time with this wishy-washy man-child? You can do so much better.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 12/12/2013 21:13

Herdy he hasn't responded, and I'm going to try and leave it now, it is tempting to ring him but I know I won't.

OP posts:
Back2Two · 12/12/2013 21:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 12/12/2013 21:15

Ok I promise I'll try to stop making excuses and move on!

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 12/12/2013 21:24

Havng said all that that I've said up there - yes I agree to leave it now. Poling the situatuon again won't help