Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

[Laurel1979]

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

Love the sweeping generalisations you've made there kevinsmum.

Can anyone imagine a man getting 250 replies from blokes to a thread like this?

No, I can't, but this is why I love mumsnet...

No dear, it won't look stalker-ish. The problem with texts and facebook messages is they are (if you're prone to doing it) open to interpretation. They don't have the nuances, flow and immediate give-and-take of speech. I'll say it again - keep it simple because he's a man. He gets confused by subtlety of emotion. Your texts have already done some damage by confusing him - 'are you annoyed with me?' means exactly that. He can't think at all why you would be, (he doesn't know what silly advice you've been given here) he just thinks he's been sending you the odd 'good morning xx' because he likes you but thought you said you didn't want it to be too heavy, and now you're suddenly acting strangely cool.

So. Pick up the phone. Call him now and ask if he's managed to get free for another date. Expect him to sound a little wary (he might even ask if you really want to - because he actually doesn't know), but be encouraging (just to undo the discouragement you've unwittingly given through text)even if he says he isn't free. Suggest another day, and by now you'll be able to hear in his voice whether he's lost interest or not.

Risk the loss of a little dignity - you want to talk to him, you want to see him again, you would quite like it to work. What's the problem with a couple of minutes real conversation to find out? Don't listen to the advice that you lose by making a little of the running. When a woman plays the game of moving away hoping the man will prove his interest by following, most men, particularly the insecure ("you might be disappointed when you see me" -remember) just see another woman who wasn't interested in them.

I think I'm liking your advice Kevinsmum..... I'm going out with some of my friends later but if I get home at a decent time I might give a casual ring or even better leave it till tomorrow. I do think he will be in touch soon, just a feeling

Really kevinsmum?? Really??

< keep it simple because he's a man.> FFS.

He said he'd let you know today. If he's interested in seeing you again, you'll know by the end of today.

But this is how I see it :
You don't have a next firm date with him.
He said he doesn't want anything 'heavy'.
His contact has dropped off considerably.
You asked if he was free to talk. He said no. If he was keen he'd have said 'not right now but what about later/tomorrow?'. Apparently he didn't.
You messaged him and he hasn't replied.
To me none of this is the behaviour of a man who is keen. Obviously, I don't know him, but in my dating days, when a man was keen I knew it. It wasn't complicated and there wasn't any angst.
I wouldn't call him.
And if he doesn't call today, I'd think very carefully about seeing him again if he contacts you next week or whenever, unless you're happy with a FWB situation.

OK SweetSeraphim - 'keep it simple because he's a human being, not a character in a Mills and Boon, or on Holby City' But as Impofdarkness says - you just wouldn't get 250 replies from men analysing the situation like this. Go into any pub, any evening and you'll see groups of women analysing emotional, domestic, school, whatever situations, trying to work out what everything 'means'. Do you see men doing that to such a degree? Have they felt the need for an equivalent forum to this? Yeah, of course it's a sweeping generalisation but they do seem to deal in simple facts and straightforward interpretations.

Anyway Laurel - you came here looking for advice. Mine still is, have a go at finding out from whether you two have a chance of anything, and don't put too much faith in the ladies here who tell you he's obviously a player when your initial reaction to him was so different.

OP, don't call him, please don't! Forget him, and move on. I was in a relationship with a man a couple of months before I met my now DH, who never called when he said he would, changed plans at the last minute etc. I'm pleased to say, I didn't put up with it for long, and ended it by text. But I still regret the few times I 'chased' him for an answer when he didn't call/ come over when he said he was going to. When I met DH a short time later, he was just so clearly into me. The whole thing was easy, easy, easy! He was so reliable, texted me every morning to say hi (he still does when he get to work! None of this 'two weeks and it's over, no more sweet morning texts' stuff that you're putting up with), emailed me, made plans and stuck to them. Once, very early on he organised a date and had to cancel - he was completely mortified and sent me a list of alternatives. It was such a contrast to my previous dating experience. But I'm actually so grateful to have had that frustrating, confusing experience - it really made me appreciate what a lovely man DH is.
There's no way he's really into you, I'm sorry. But not that sorry, because you're now free to find a great bloke who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him.

Oh, and kevinsmum, my initial response upon meeting the inconsistent, immature bloke I dated before DH was also very positive - he seemed sweet, highly intelligent and very interesting. I wouldn't have gone on a date with him otherwise. As things progressed, he revealed himself to be seriously tight with money, increasingly selfish in bed and quick to cancel plans if something better came along. Our first instincts can be incorrect, which is why not every first date turns into a LTR!

OP if you think kevinsmum gave good advice and you are going to follow then all I can say is you are a hopeless case and deserve to be taken for a complete fool.

He shagged you, he went off you afterwards. Not because of anything you did but because he's a shallow twat.

Now he doesn't want to be THAT guy who disappears after a shag because he doesn't like that picture if himself. However he is disappearing after a shag, he's just taking his time about doing it.

kevinsmum you have no business giving that kind of dangerously sexist advice out on MN, unless as I suspect hope fervently it's tongue in cheek and you are taking the piss out of the OP.

I am with kevinsmum. We can deny it all we like, but there are major differences with how men and women approach relationships.

Keep it simple, avoid game playing, avoid nonsense like 'treat him keen, keep him mean'.

Agree with nerdy hard wick. If you want fwb contact him. If not steer clear.

Ps he sounds like an angsty prat.

Herdy Not nerdy!

Angsty prat is a lovely expression.

Euphemism

Only just found this thread OP.

I don't think it looks good TBH. And I don't think it's got anything to do with you shagging him on the first date. I'm not a FB expert but when you message someone who's 'active' at the time, don't they see the message straight away? So basically he knew you were sitting there messaging him and he ignored you.

Nice treatment from somebody you've recently swapped bodily fluids with

Honestly - if you were my RL friend I would tell you to forget him and move on; he is playing games. Actually, even if I'm wrong and he's not, forget him anyway. If he likes you enough, he will move hell and high water to make you remember him again. If he can't be bothered to do that, does he really deserve you?

Kevinsmum with all due respect you are having a laugh 'dear'.

OP Don't ring him. Well, do if you like, and then if he does agree to another date you can feel really secure in the knowledge that you're meeting up with him shagging him again because you hassled him into it.

And btw Kevinsmum I am very happily married to somebody who could be bothered to phone me when he said he would and was 100% straight with me from the off. Despite the fact that we shagged on the first date (actually before the first date so beat that ).

Hmm - here they come. All the angry 'all men are bastards, because I had a bad experience with one' brigade. Wtf? I have 'no business' to give such advice - suggesting we treat a man as a human? How on earth is that sexist? Because I suggest Laurel should actually have a real-life conversation to enable her to work out for herself whether he's interested, instead of listening to the screeching sirens? How can someone Laurel herself describes in such glowing terms be condemned as an 'angsty prat'? Face it - the sexism lies with ladies who don't listen to what the OP actually said about him, but go to the default position of he's a man - he's bad.

Are we women really going to reject every shy man who needs a little encouragement, because he doesn't understand the games we play? And really Sparklysilversequins - listen to yourself. If she doesn't make the call doesn't she become the one who looks like she's 'disappearing after a shag'?

I don't think people are saying "all men are bastards". It's just if someone is keen, you don't have to ask a load of people on the internet if the man is keen. Because he will let you know. Equally he will let you know if he's not - huge drop in text messages, not committing fully to a next date, not being available to talk, etc.

I could be wrong, but his behaviour is not screaming "keen".

Also, I really don't like the expression "nothing heavy". Really hate it in fact. It's shorthand for "don't expect to become my girlfriend, but I wouldn't mind partaking of your wares from time to time".

Kevinsmum seriously - this man has said he will contact OP to let her know if he will see her at the weekend as previous talked about. What is wrong with her now waiting to see if he does what was agreed in the first place?

This man has already showed signs of being a little bit of a game player, possibly. He was really keen beforehand, then as soon as they had had sex he started talking about 'not wanting anything heavy'. He was texting her every day to say good morning and then as soon as they had DTD he stopped contacting her. When the OP sent him a message on FB he ignored it. How does that indicate he is a 'shy man who needs a little encouragement'?

I can only speak for myself but I don't think all men are bastards and have not personally had a bad experience with one. I just think the world is a big place, with millions of men in it, and that women shouldn't have to wait around in angst for days hoping one of those million of men will 'please please' choose them. That is what I would say to my RL friends and that is what I will say to my DD in the future.

A lot of posters have said 'you shouldn't contact him', because they new when their now husbands were 'keen'. They would have done anything to contact them. I don't see this as something that should be the total burden of the man. If you want to chase or have a conversation to demystify the whole situation, then why not?
If these posters 'keen' husbands had played the 'no chase' card, then imagine posters would be looking at very different children, maybe no children, different in laws, different lives, etc.

Do what you want OP, good luck!

It's just if someone is keen, you don't have to ask a load of people on the internet if the man is keen

How did we ever cope before the dawn of the internet forum?

I have to say, I love how people are telling the op that he is playing games, but also advising her to play games.

OP, you have to stop thrashing it out on the internet. If you want to ring him, ring him. If you don't, don't. It is your relationship & you should conduct it how you feel. You don't have to justify it. And don't ever say sorry to a bunch of strangers on the internet for calling him. At worst, you over invest, at best he knows exactly how you feel about him. I don't see what is wrong in that!

When I first met my dh I was 15 he was a few yrs older. We didn't have mobile phones, so relied on the good old land line to communicate. We didn't talk nor see each other every day, I didn't wake up to 'good morning' texts. I got on with my life & he got on with his & every few days we would phone one another & arrange to meet up. Or I sent a message with my sisters boyfriend that I would be at X if he wanted to drop in (they lived in the same street).

I didn't need to see him/talk to him everyday to know that he was thinking of me & me him! In fact it made them times we got together more special because we had stuff to catch up on. Then he went home for 6 weeks & we didn't talk ONCE! He sent postcards & I sent a letter or 2, and hey...we survived.

The instant fix, the instant gratification of today makes relationships seemed so hurried, so suffocating. It can't be good for the relationship.

this man has said he will contact OP to let her know if he will see her at the weekend as previous talked about

Yes, on Thursday, there is still lots of Thursday left!