Let dh go out or not?

[Edenviolet]

Dh wants to go to a stag party. I don't want him to go because

1. We have four dcs and I will struggle to look after them all myself all evening/ night. They have health issues and youngest still bf.

1. I get really jealous and hate the thought of dh drunk which he will be, out all night etc

1. It's same day as ds party so will be a hectic day anyway.

How do i approach this and not cause an argument?

IMO "let" is absolutely the right word.

he has 50% responsibility for his DC and can only go out leaving them if the OP will agree to pick up his 50% as well and look after the DC by herself.

if she says she can't or won't do that then he cannot go. so yes she does get to "let" him or not "let" him, in that sense.

sounds fair enough for her to insist he does his 50%, given all the circumstances - with four young DC with health issues I'm not surprised she couldn't manage them alone.

My how much does she get, wasn't LITERAL. I wasn't expecting her to say/ quote the exact figure, £ and pence !!
£212 fo dd1 £298 for dd2 etc. !!!!!
I was asking, in a roundabout way, did she GET dla? was she getting the right amount. Had they awarded her lower when she should have been getting higher?

I was trying to help. I do understand. and my posts have been NOTHING but helpful, supportive and understanding.

However, Numpty does have a point. We don't have enough information about Op, to understand. If there are financial difficulties, ok. I get that.
BUT they too need to be examined. why do they and what exactly are those difficulties.

Because numpty is right . DLA is supposed to be for the care. And in lots of families it gets eaten up. But there must be a whole host of reasons, from Op, as to why such a large amount of DLA is not actually helping the children. Or helping the mum, when this situation is EXACTLY the type of thing that DLA is supposed to care for.

i'm glad you've got it in your name now - that's a good step!

i think you're going to need to take more though.

"you're assuming a lot and projecting wider political views/issues onto me that bear no relation to my own"

unpleasant ain't it, to be prejudged and dictated to by a stranger over the internet...?

You have shown no concern for the op numpty apart from to question her finances and choices of having children. Not helpful in the slightest.

Hedgehog, I don't really have any practical suggestions here, but just wanted to post again to offer sympathy. Really hope your dh can somehow manage to become more supportive generally, & that you can find a compromise about this night in particular. Totally agree that loads of the responses here are just nasty, & presumably made by people with little capacity for empathy - or who simply haven't read the thread.

For anyone saying "it's just one night" - the OP explains upthread that her dh had a 10 DAY holiday without her & the children earlier this year. She & her dh obviously BOTH need time to recharge their batteries given the very, very tough situation they're in, but it only seems to be working one way in their marriage at the moment. The OP has also agreed several times now that her use of the word "let" - as in let him go out - wasn't very well judged & that she was typing in a hurry. Sounds like her dh isn't likely to take a lot of notice anyway, which seems incredibly sad to me. I can't imagine how I'd feel if my dh insisted on going out KNOWING that I couldn't cope for whatever reason.

And yes, I hold my hand up to being in debt and receiving dla for one of mine. It veers between sending him on residential trips (sen friendly), special stuff, and topping up as I can't work full time because of his needs. So I'm not in the 'keep all receipts' camp.

i'm not in the keep all receipts camp either and when i was on dla it got swallowed into life costs however 4 lots of dla is a significant amount of money, as in huge, and should certainly, absolutely be buying some care and respite.

Cross post - that's a shame hedgehog. Are there any charities local - home start? Local childrens centre? Shortbreaks through the council?

I understand about the dla question. Ds1 and dd2 absolutely get the right level. Dd1 not and iam angry about it they tried to stop it completely and then reluctantly agreed to reinstate but only lower for oth which then meant our ctc also went down.

Dd1 needs are huge, she's 12 and can't even bath unsupervised as the warmth triggers faints, each time she eats a meal she gets faint and if she stands up too quick she passes out. Takes at least an hour to get her up each day, she has to rest during the day in bed at school in medical room and she gets in and collapses on the floor, cries then sleeps for up to an hour. It hell for her. If she phones on way home as feels ill I have to throw dcs in the double buggy which has a buggy board on for ds1 and run to find her and try to help her home too. It's horrendous.

Didn't mean you numpty! Was generally adding caveats as I have no desire to say the wrong thing and get flamed!

I understand the reasoning of dla being mentioned and am aware of payment levels, it's just that has already been mentioned previously money is extremely tight and I can't imagine if it was available it wouldn't be being spent on respite/care. OP seems desperately in need.

Carers allowance is only paid for one person and to a full time carer.

The DH was giving chunks of the family's cash to his mother and sister, never repaid. There was never any real justification for why they needed his cash more than his family did, but gifting the money seemed to bolster his self-esteem. The DH works for his mother and brother (which is why you'd think they might be more understanding about time off to take the DCs to medical appointments); they pay his a pittance and treat him shoddily, while also expecting him to behave as if the children were all well.

realistically OP if your husband is making it so that you can't spend the dla on you (as carer) and your children's needs then he is financially abusing all of you.

you could be buying hours of care every day with that money and keeping yourself sane and your children as well cared for as possible. you all need that.

Home start shut earlier in the year.

The caf lady has been looking into things but isn't sure yet what else they can do.

Hedgehog, none of this makes sense. You need someone to sit down and go through it with you. Dd needs a specific school so you are paying, but maintained/ academies have obligations to support children with medical needs. She's not at a special school: do you need to pay? And transport? Can you not her council funded transport? For her school run?

Just seen there is a CAF.

Money situation is a lot better now, dh no longer lends ( he can't as has no card etc). He doesnt want to give up work as wants dcs to see you can work despite being unwell.

I did suggest once that as he can drive we should swap roles in a year or so and I would work but he said absolutely not as he needs that time away and working keeps him sane which I can understand I suppose.

No idea what your day to day life is like or what childcare you have in place but maybe there are some links on here:

www.daycaretrust.org.uk/pages/i-am-looking-for-childcare-for-disabled-childrenchildren-with-special-needs.html

Not sure if it's linking from phone but copy into a browser.

Her mobility is so limited and problems so great we chose a tiny school that has a nurse on site at all times.

Dd was lucky as got it partly funded by scholarship then a big chunk of bursary and we make up the difference. There's no council transport, they have offered from next sep for her to have the school coach service for free which was very kind of them but for now dh takes her on his way to work and she gets the bus home but its a few mins walk to bus stop and it makes her ill every day.

I did suggest once that as he can drive we should swap roles in a year or so and I would work but he said absolutely not as he needs that time away and working keeps him sane which I can understand I suppose.

But you don't get time away to keep you sane.

Is there any reason why you couldn't both work part time?

Dd did have a taxi card previously which was great she had 108 trips a year and was brilliant for school run and cheap per journey.

Local cuts have meant though that they cut it back to 24 trips per year which got used up and now none left.

And you don't get even one day of holiday, let alone ten.

Where is his give? At the moment, he's all take.

I do get a little break, every sat morn 10-11 am, ds1 has a club and dh takes the baby out with him to get a breakfast. I get that hour with just dd1 who is usually having a lie in and fast asleep and at that time of day dd2 blood sugar is normall quite stable so I can get things done round the house and have a cup of tea and read the paper, that always makes me feel slightly better.

Your idea of a break is an hour once a week when you're only responsible for two out of your four children and can get on with your chores while minding your diabetic 4 year old?

I want to cry for you.