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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex won't move out

129 replies

snowshepherd · 03/12/2013 14:16

Hi, we split up a month ago. Been together for 8 years. Lived together for 6 years. Need some advice on how to get my ex to fuck off.
The house is mine and my ExP hasn't ever paid directly in to the house. Although she has paid bills on occasion (not mortgage or home improvements).
The relationship ended and I gave her 2 weeks to sort herself out. But it's now been a month, I'm pissed off.
I don't want to get her in trouble but is it worth contacting the police, changing locks, putting her belongings in a skip?(more of a threat but might be fun).

Anyone have experience of this or any advice to get her to fuck off?
Thanks

OP posts:
HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 04/12/2013 13:46

Even if the reason you were being chucked out was that you'd been caught shagging someone else? You'd expect that kind of consideration and helpfulness from the person you'd shat all over?

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 04/12/2013 13:47

I think I owe giggles an apology.

Pan · 04/12/2013 13:47

I'd think the LP is responsible for the welfare of the child (Jodie?). This is because he is an adult and she is a child with whom she has lived for years and this will be a trauma for her. Which the OP can alleviate to some degree. Contempt for ex- is understandable, but surely we should all be able to stand back, 'park' our feelings and ensure a resonably decent accounting for the child. She comes first in all of this.Two weeks is drastically short and not good for her in very difficult circs. Seeing her mum treated with anger (though again utterly understandable) will be troublesome and damaging in itself.

So for Jodie's sake, go easy.

Pan · 04/12/2013 13:49

LP? Long Playing Record? OP obv....

Pan · 04/12/2013 13:51

"Her child is non of your concern." - wrong, in my v strong opinion.

Lweji · 04/12/2013 14:05

How about the mother on this? She cheated and seems to have to be evicted to leave the house. Has she considered the consequences for her child?

Ginwitch · 04/12/2013 14:09

She has now been there for a month not just two weeks.
OP has been more than reasonable and the child wants to go to his/her father it seems. What exactly should OP do here?

goodgriefTM · 04/12/2013 14:16

This thread is the worst case of double standards I have ever seen on MN. Oh poor girly, only given a month to move out! Diddums! Leave her possessions alone! All she did was have a little cuddle with another man!

When a man cheats it's always "BAG UP HIS STUFF RIGHT NOW AND CHUCK IT IN THE GARDEN! HE CAN GO TO HIS MOTHER'S!" And quite right too.

Christ almighty.

waltermittymissus · 04/12/2013 14:35

Are some of you on a wind up here?

Jodie is with his dad.

OP's ex decided to fuck someone else.

She won't leave HIS house that HE'S paying for.

And somehow HE'S still at fault? What. The. Fuck?

MyPrettyToes · 04/12/2013 14:44

what goodgrief and waltermitty said.

However, I am not surprised, I have seen this double standard on mumsnet but not this obvious. I would never recommend this site to any of my male friends.

Original poster
snowshepherd · 04/12/2013 15:02

Passedgo
I'm surprised you can judge whether I am a 'catch' or not. I'll put it down to the fact you feel over confident when you are behind a keyboard.
It's not just about a 'house or land'. It's about my life, my future, my heart, my confidence. However, for these things to start to resolve I need my house back. I need my ex out of my life. I wanted to focus on that. You think I should let her live here and it's hard. Should I be charging her rent? All I owe her is her possessions.

Regarding the child, that is my ex's call if I can stay in contact. I have no rights. The father is a good guy and my ex is a good mother. Maybe when the child is old enough to make their own decisions, I will be involved. I'll keep in touch and always leave the door open. I'll have to see how it plays out

OP posts:
Pan · 04/12/2013 15:05

That's good to know snow re Jodie. Hope things work out as well as they can for all.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/12/2013 15:37

It's not unreasonable to want a partner to move out when a relationship ends. Sometimes it's necessary to use the law to make this happen. Why should anyone be forced to house a person they no longer love or like, when that person has somewhere else to go?

waltermittymissus · 04/12/2013 16:43

Why should anyone be forced to house a person they no longer love or like, when that person has somewhere else to go?

YY. This. With bells on!

gigglestar · 04/12/2013 17:45

Pan it's true though,no matter how harsh it sounds. OP has already made sure the child is sorted for somewhere safe to live and that's where it has to end. OP has no 'parental responsibility' in law and his ex is hardly likely to allow him continuing contact or the kind of involvement in her child's life that he has had so far. Op has fulfilled his moral obligation and any further involvement leaves him open to abuse from his ex. I don't doubt that OP must have developed a bond/friendship with the child and is probably already feeling guilty/bad about the impact of his decision. He needs to put his own emotional wellbeing first now and my comment is just a fairly blunt way of putting that in perspective.

gigglestar · 04/12/2013 17:47

HECthe herald apology accepted Grin

FluffyJumper · 04/12/2013 20:26

Are you really sure you should be dating right now? You sound angry and vulnerable.

passedgo · 06/12/2013 13:28

I don't doubt that OP must have developed a bond/friendship with the child and is probably already feeling guilty/bad about the impact of his decision.

Living with a child for 6 years is a huge chunk in that child's life. OP should be thinking about the child (regardless of whether it's his or not), not his own guilt complex. The relationship has ended, it's painful, but if children are present you have a duty to behave like an adult.

Sure this can't go on forever legally, but moving suddenly like this is a huge thing for a child and OP needs to put himself second (and his ex third).

Ginwitch · 06/12/2013 13:37

Hmmmmm child is at dad and happy to be there and mother shagged someone else. I think OP has a duty to be kind to himself here. I don't think that being unreasonable.

The mother massively cocked up and should be taking responsibility for that, herself and her DC. Not the OP. Anyway he has been more than fair and understanding here.

bobbywash · 06/12/2013 15:39

Passedgo

Have you read the thread concerning where the child is now. OP has every right to want the cheat out of his house, she's had a month. I would just give a warning for the weekend, and after that it would be posessions outside, and locks changed.

If this were the other way round, am I sure you would be saying that to have a cheating male partner still in the house causing upset to the children is bad for them and he should leave immediately.

Duel standards

passedgo · 07/12/2013 10:52

I don't think sending him to his Dad's when his usual place is with his Mum and in his home that he's spent the last 6 years living in with her, is fair on him. It's not his fault his Mum had an affair.

Although he probably is better off staying with his real Dad than staying in a house anywhere near someone as offensive and childish as OP.

All very sad really.

Ginwitch · 07/12/2013 11:10

Wants to go to dad and not OPs fault she had an affair either. She needs to go and her child is obviously going with her. Placing responsibility on the OP is unfair. If he was childish he wouldn't have given her the leeway he already has. He has already said he has given time because of child.

Do you suggest the cheating party remain in the house forever because if DC? She is the one refusing to go when she has lost all rights to be there.

passedgo · 07/12/2013 11:28

Snow I don't know the ins an outs of your story. Perhaps you were a lovely doting partner and she was planning to seduce another man as soon as she possibly could just to mess you up? Perhaps she is a narcissistic controlling sadist? Perhaps she was a bit thick and your beautiful home seduced her into thinking you were some kind of meal ticket? Perhaps you seduced her into your home hoping to take advantage of her and her wealth/beauty/inheritance?

The cause of her affair are something that need to be looked at here. If she is such a cow you wouldn't have spent 8 years with her, surely. Sometimes having an affair is simply a symptom that the relationship is at its end. That's just sad for everyone and doesn't warrant punishment.

I'm not saying she should live with you forever, yes she should be paying half the bills anyway, but make it easy on yourself by giving her time.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 07/12/2013 12:33

I think the OP has been more than reasonable.

And like other's have said, if this were a female we'd have no qualms about her chucking the bastard out that very minute.

But because the OP is male, and she's a woman he should have to house her? Confused

Speak to her today snow, tell her she has to leave. She made her bed and she can lie in it. She'll just have to go to her mums until she finds somewhere. She's lucky she has even that option.

nauticant · 07/12/2013 13:07

This thread is a real eye-opener.

It sounds like you've been fair snowshepherd. Good luck in getting this sorted out and moving on with life. Although do go slow on the dating.

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