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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Thoughts needed on this comment, please, sensitive issue.

246 replies

shipherlady · 03/12/2013 09:50

Please do not read on if you're sensitive to comments regarding rape, I do not wish to upset anybody, just need impartial advice.

Anyway, dh and I having discussion about women's roles, basically, he held the view that if a 'woman does not pull her weight' financially, men have the right to rape them and do what they want in the bedroom. We were having a massive argument at the time, and he is at pains to say that this is what happened in the past ( I question this) and he has no desire to do this at all, but that is 'how it was' in the past when men earned all the money.
OK, now logically, I should be OK with his 'impartial' assessment of the past -even though I disagree with it-however, it's made me feel uncomfortable.
What do you think?

OP posts:

tinmug · 05/12/2013 09:26

Look, most of you are missing the point, but in doing so, you're sort of making it

Nope. We're not.

tinmug · 05/12/2013 09:30

The reason I mentioned the debate was not necessarily to get into the rights and wrongs of marital rape

I honestly think that the reason you raised the issue - the reason you habitually raise the issue - is that you find the idea of marital rape very, very sexy.

CailinDana · 05/12/2013 09:32

I notice you sidestepped a lot of my questions contrarian.

Lazyjaney · 05/12/2013 09:37

I think Contrarian has a point in that the OPs last 2 posts make it clear that the rape comment is just a drop in a far larger ocean, yet the last page or so has been devoted to nit-picking that one comment apart rather than looking at the OPs real issues.

fairisleknitter · 05/12/2013 09:47

I feel quite rational about this as I don't have men in my life who would say this. It's a very creepy comment , it came out in an argument and doesn't come across as a neutral historical observation.

Surely it's obvious that there have always been decent men about who wouldn't have raped their wives. The massive change in society that has happened in my lifetime is that those of us in mutually kind relationships no longer feel that for social reasons we have to turn a blind eye to those in abusive situations. My Mum said to an abused woman in the 70s "You don't have to put up with it in this day and age." My Mum had seen that women's refuges had opened. Prior to this women with children WERE usually in a financial bind and had no way out.

tinmug · 05/12/2013 09:47

the last page or so has been devoted to nit-picking that one comment apart

Addressing points raised isn't "nit-picking."

HTH.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 05/12/2013 09:51

"the OPs last 2 posts make it clear that the rape comment is just a drop in a far larger ocean"

The first post made it clear that the rape threat was just a drop in a far larger ocean.

Just because you couldn't (or didn't want to) see that doesn't mean it wasn't completely obvious.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 05/12/2013 10:00

Disengaging from shit stirers/mysogynistic prats is the correct thing to do.

But fuck it's hard.

So many idiots, so little time to tell them to fuck off and one in particular to stop pretending to be a woman when posting, it's duplicitous.

Contrarian78 · 05/12/2013 10:04

tinmug No. Rape, marital or otherwise, is abhorrent.

CailinDana Which questions? I've tried to be as clear as possible. I'm pretty sure this is no longer providing anything useful for the op - but happy to indulge you anyway.

waltermittymissus · 05/12/2013 10:15

It is hard to disengage.

It becomes decidedly easier, however, when you begin to suspect that the shit stirrer's motives are a lot more sinister and depraved than you first suspected...

JoinYourPlayfellows · 05/12/2013 10:21

How are you doing, shipher?

I'm sorry your thread has got completely derailed by the rape "discussion".

I'm sure you can see that this is part of the pattern that your husband displays when he threatens to rape you under cover of a "rational" mid-row, contemptuous "discussion".

If you want to talk about your fear that he is building up to something and what to do about it, you could start another thread and PM anyone you've found helpful on this thread.

There are people here who could really help you talk through this and figure out a way forward.

I really hope you are OK :)

tinmug · 05/12/2013 10:24

Rape, marital or otherwise, is abhorrent

But not so abhorrent that you can't help feeling sorry for the poor guy who raped his wife because he thought he was on solid legal ground, amirite? Only in a strictly abstract sense of course!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not in a rubbed-my-cock-til-it-was-red-raw sense!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

waltermittymissus · 05/12/2013 10:25

shipher I'm sure everyone will disengage now.

How are you today?

tinmug · 05/12/2013 10:27

Join you're right- I'm really sorry for contributing to the derailment, OP, and I'll stop.

I agree with everyone who's said that it was a very strange thing to say to you. It was definitely inappropriate in my opinion and I would have found it distressing. I hope you can find your way out.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 05/12/2013 10:31

shipher

See, I'm worried because my gut tells me that he is working up to something and justifying it in his head because I've only got a part-time job and he earns much more than me. You know, like, Well I raped you but, hey, if you earned more, it wouldn't have happened

^ This is how you felt before you posted. He made you feel like this (despite what some posters are trying to tell you, that we made you feel like that). Honestly, that is not a feeling to ignore. His previous behaviour has been leading up to this and it is scary to contemplate where it's leading to. It is not the sort of thing you 'just say' if you don't believe it - if it were me, I'd be out of there, pronto. I know it's not easy, but neither is the relationship you are in and one of those difficult actions will lead to a happier life and it's not 'staying'.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 05/12/2013 10:44

Don't let anyone convince you to ignore what your gut is telling you here.

Your sense of fear is something to be heeded, not something to be explained away.

waltermittymissus · 05/12/2013 10:54

Your sense of fear is something to be heeded, not something to be explained away

Exactly!

And remember, in normal circumstances you wouldn't even have to explain it away because NO man with decency and respect would shout something like this at his dw during the course of an argument.

Be very clear here: he may be back peddling now and saying that he was just making a point, but that is most definitely not what was happening.

You were arguing and he said it in anger and maliciousness. That is not to be taken lightly.

CailinDana · 05/12/2013 13:35

I'm not retyping every question for you contrarian. I'm sure you're capable of looking back through the thread.

I hope you're ok op.

Jengnr · 06/12/2013 07:11

Oh what a surprise. He's still acting the cunt.

myroomisatip · 06/12/2013 08:42

I hope the derailment has not discouraged the OP from coming back but I fear it has.

Intention achieved?

LoonvanBoon · 06/12/2013 11:12

Shipherlady, I've just read through (most of) this thread. Are you still around & okay?

Your dh is abusive if he throws things at you & calls you unpleasant names. Given that context, not to mention your gut feeling that he's "working up to something" - & you know him, we don't - I think you need to be making plans to get away from him & out of this marriage.

I don't know if he was threatening to rape you, or trying to make some more general statement about his power over you - ie. this is something he COULD do if he wanted to, or at least COULD have done "in the past" - but it's a disturbing thing to say, to put it very mildly, & would be in any relationship. Coming from a man who has already been abusive, it's blood-chilling. Sorry if that sounds melodramatic, but that's how I felt reading your posts. I really hope you're alright & have RL support to help you deal with this.

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